Category Archives: don’t do that

my buddies’n me are gettin real well known

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girl longboard date with chelsea was a success. we’ve been meaning to make it happen for what, three years now?

the befores. (humidity made my hair all cavegirl).

after. sweaty and made it back in the nick of time to watch the crazy sky turn dark and all the patio shit fly around on the balcony. scary fun.

she watched me stress out over hell’s kitchen (seriously my hand is a claw after playing a few rounds of it and my back is super tensed up, v bad for blood pressure and anxiety)(speaking of, yesterday before chelsea came over i had a panic attack and i gather it’s the heat that does it to me. i tried to walk with fil and his bike to pump up the tires but had to come back and wait it out. i just can’t live like this anymore, every hot day makes me pant and hyper-ventilate. it’s debilitating and embarrassing. what the fuck can i do about it seriously what is wrong with me? i said to fil i cannot live like this anymore i’m not going through another summer holed up because it’s balls hot out and hello i WANT to go out and get some sun. after awhile of downtime i’m fine, a brew and a chat and a chill pill but really, it wasn’t even hangover anxiety i barely drank friday nite. anyway i’ll complain more about it later) oh right so yeah hell’s kitchen wasn’t fun it was just scary so we played cooking mama instead while we waited out the rain.

fil made it to stefan’s bbq just in time.

chelsea wanted some ironic tattoos drawn on her for an activist thing she was going to? anyway this one is an homage to my friend pokey, she has a real (mad better) version of this on her arm.

i’m stacked you better believe it.

i had a roadie ready to bring to the bbq then fil called to say party’s over so i just drank it at home and it got on his (drunk) nerves a lot. WHAT the bottle was sticky get over it sorry you can’t handle hobo chic. then we played hell’s kitchen and it was actually fun cos the inebriation made me (everyone) less scared and on edge. despite the wimpy shit, i do recommend this game, i got it cheap from that new video game store near the tap. they sell used (and new) everything.

burn. fil thinks he’s more tanned than i am.

i purged a ton of clothes for chelsea, feels great. she reworks things too so that makes me feel extra good about it.

i’ve been pumped for today for over a week and the weather is so crap. not gonna let it get me down.

hiii hii hihiiihihi

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so the thing on my shoulder is a keyloid (sp?) cyst pretty much, i have to go back for a biopsy, then they will laser the fuck out of it on seperate occasions. what do i want gigantic embarrassing red thing or cool scar. i’m goin’ for cool scar. i’m writing on my old laptop from my dad’s it’s sooooooooo sloooooow i have a pile of emails to go through and it’s way irritating having to do it in slow motion. i thought ok i ‘ll just have myself a little break from the ole internet today but like some stupid metaphor i can’t even think of right now it pulled me in. i killed some time in the biodome mall reading my book on a plush couch while a blonde clone of several other blonde clones talked incessantly on a cellphone right beside my head. i bought a new hat with the remainder of my gift card, i look like one or all of the seven dwarves in it. there’s a ridiculous new shoe store the size of the old supermarket in this mall, like an outlet for every insane name brand fashion foot apparel you could ever think of um is there spell check on this thing or am i just on a roll cos i see no red underline squiggly things.

ok back to business, dooce is gaining on me, don’t let her!

love you guys.

thanks for all the voting and support and well wishes, such pals.

did i say we went to sketch comedy at the riv last nite? i put my name to be part of the game show but it wasn’t drawn, i won an uncie herb simspons doll for having a gap between my teeth though then i looked in the mirror and realised it’s practically closed now. my mom’s did that too.

ok bye for real now

coronary, anyone?

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the following is brought to you by starvation dementia.

gawd lawdy lawdy hi! DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!! fuck it’s a close race i can’t take it man and why do i care? i dunno, well i do, and will elaborate more on that after a jug of coffee.

over christmas fil’s mom saw the teeny brush i’d stubbornly been using on my wet hair and flipped (not really) so she bought me my own big girl comb. aw. life’s gonna change now boys.

no more ghetto rings thanks to nat’s extras.

you will not believe who i get to see tonite, strictly for irony’s sake of course, oh man i’m bursting, kinda sorta, but you will have to wait for that news however, speaking of won’t believe it, remember pitt? well he’s a sober sally now and totally a drama queen, i mean, he’s in a play (a racy one at that) called bedrooms and it opens this upcoming weekend (we’re going of course). he plays a dude who tries to get a threesome going haha.

here’s a little chat we just had

Patrick: On Jan 8, 9, and 10 the Poor Cousin Theater Co., will be doing a production of “Bedrooms” at the Oakville Centre For Performing Arts.

me: can i mention that you’re a sober sally now

Patrick: if you think that has a hook, i have no shame about it
“Bedrooms” is a set of five comedies that explore the uncertain journeys of love, marriage, fidelity and getting older
For me the real story of all this is the director Leslie Carelse

me: right but my readers know you

Patrick: I know, I’ll make the relation for you to post. When I was about 12, or 13 my mom threw me into the Parks And Recreation Program in Oakville to keep me out of trouble. There I met Leslie who was the fixture of young actors in Oakville.
He taught the “Art of Acting Program”. I used it as a place to meet girls, but I can sincerely say that a lot of my make up today was augmented by what I learned under his tutelage

me: big words pitt!

Patrick: I’m sober now, and have more time to read the dictionary. Through the magic of facebook, I organized a drink up in Oakville about a year ago of old actors from this program. Leslie and I came up with an idea of an alumnist show. Leslie got auditions going for a bunch of his students over the last 2 or more decades. And put together this Theater Company: “Poor Cousin”. Basically he (we) are trying to bring in a younger crowd to Oakville’s theater culture.

me: can i just quote you verbatim

Patrick: If you like, but feel free to edit or ask questions. There’s been a lot of ups and downs that went into this production, but I truly believe Leslie is onto something, I’m really happy to be a part of it. There’s too many shows that cater to the old blue hairs and remote control corpses of Oakville. While the Burbs will never have the hipster culture of Toronto, or even Mississauga for that matter, it’s a nice little niche of cool in an otherwise stuffy city.

me: well i look forward to seeing it


fil took this picture, it was my idea for the chick to show more skin she had the sheet over her shoulders like a nana, i said maybe you should tuck it under your arms like so. ME!

Patrick: That’s why I want you and Phil to come see it, be a part of it and so forth. This is a legacy and the fact that Leslie has rounded up his students (some pro actors, others clearly not) to do this is cool. And I play a guy trying to get a threesome on with his Mistress and Sex Therapist…so I don’t think that’s something Oakville has seen too much of.
Oh and you and Fil get to see me prance around on a stage in my underwear again, so it’ll be like Old times.

me: no i doubt it
yeah nothing new there
ok this is good, heartfelt, you’re really a believer

For tickets call 905.815.2021 (toll free: 1.888.489.7784) or visit
the Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts box office
http://www.oc4pa.ca/boxoffice.htm

who were you after you were mine

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didn’t wear this because it was too slutty and apparently we had both agreed on that it was GOOD slutty, then i walk back into the room and fil says you’re wearing that? i was actually glad cos it is so unsausageforgiving especially with tights, bad dinner dress, good dance slutty dress. thanks alicia.

stopped off at nancy’s cheese.

nice paper, what’s in the box?

CUCKOO! though i happily enabled gill‘s obsession further with a cellphone betty charm see:

i also overheard you’re getting a BB tattoo?

new sweater vest, he thinks he needs it in a bigger size and everyone is telling him NO he so doesn’t.

had/have this exact mouse ornament on our tree growing up.

this game has good potential, more than that gun game we could never figure out.

purse fetish, i had no idea gill.

mmmmm st. jorge cheese.

this looks familiar…

on to dinner at sidecar, prix fixe stretches to wednesdays, awesome. our waiter was v dramatic, i asked him if he was a poet.

goro pony i immediately took down after looking at this.

the salmon was great, my flash completely blocked it out so it has a nice shadow. don’t be pissed if you weren’t there this was totally last minute impromptu we were planning to eat alone then figured why not cos brad would be missing out on friday as well as gill.

sitting beside a radiator is not conducive to sweater vests.

they gave us a nice assortment of desserts.

blue cheese cheese cake sort of?

see how powerful the flash is anyway, this is the chocolate they make the mousse from, so rich in this form your face would explode.

yes how flattering, my shade of foundation was out of stock so for the next month or so i’m going to be orange oprah which is the perfect time of year for it too WINTER stand out much!? and oh yeah thanks (SARCASM) mom for convincing me to get the black cardigan in small instead of XS it’s fucking HUGE. i’m glad i didn’t listen to you for the grey one.

HAHAHA you can see RIGHT through my shirt holy tara reid moment.

don’t forget this is going on saturday nite, i have two unspoken for tickets and i am too lazy to make a contest so just email me and tell me why you should be allowed to party with fil and i saturday nite.

SMIRNOFF EXPERIENCE: RED NIGHT HOTEL
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
Windsor Arms Hotel, 18 St. Thomas St. [Bay & Bloor]
$20 advance tickets at www.smirnoff.com OR
$30 at the door

GROSS MAN

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now that the wine fridge is gone the crap on the floor is more obvious, hate it.

made new butt shorts, i changed outfit last minute slightly and i should have covered my arm last nite it bumped into so many people and is now scabbing all gross (normal) but i’m still paro, i better not have cooties.

i was going to do a shotgunning ketchup pose (of course) and the lid was barely screwed on so this is an almost holy shit reaction.

grossman’s wall is my favourite sketchy wall in all of toronto.

once i gave our waitress one of the camera cases from my swag bag she was very generous in her wine pouring, this was to the brim before i sipped it and took this.

ugh, and so it begins. this guy smelled like crazy, WAS crazy, crazy drunk, aggressive, and we humoured him for way too long as you are about to witness in the following pictures. enjoy. i am so glad i was sitting in the corner protected by the table.

poor erin, this guy talked all over her food, so gross.

he said we were all hot and then accused us of being against queers, said he had a wife but he’s gay, he was all over the place. he eventually called me a punk cos i told him he blew it by touching my friends way too much and i gave him three warnings and politely said if you don’t tone it down i will be forced to get violent. HE ALMOST PULLED HIS DICK OUT!

natalie was going to gas peddle him. she went back and forth between cheering him on and hating him, at all the wrong times too, someone would go to the bathroom and miss out on how much further he was taking things. he called fil pretty and would not shut up.

he lifted his shirt ten thousand times.

sigh. thanks but no thanks.

um we fuckin’ get it already.

then he drags an innocent chick from the other side of the room into his layer of crazy.

aaaaand this is how much other patrons were appreciating him (my favourite picture). the girl was trying to help him out, at first you pity these guys right then they get on your nerves cos they’re so cocked and don’t realise they’re pushing their luck. natalie said she was two hours too late in helping him relax.

red shirt hi there, he was pretty close to removing crazy’s face.

fiiiinally matt goes and complains when he tried to show us his dick, i almost wish i didn’t stop him cos then i’d have an awesome picture for you guys. he told me he had been going to grossman’s before i was born but it sounded like i wurse cominz here befur you wiz even BORN. (he referenced this important FACT multiple times) so i said AND? what is your point? they’ve been tolerating you that long? he didn’t hear any of it though. believe it or not i was the nicest to him of us, erin almost punched his lights out. my other favourite part of the nite was the guitarist’s hair and how the band kept playing throughout.

see his undid fly.

TIME TO GO DUDE!

i love grossman’s, always a guaranteed sloppy time. once he was gone the guy yelling in his face in that one picture nestled in his amazon gf’s lap, so funny.

don’t think i don’t have a conscience, i empathize for drunks and crazies while at the same time being totally entertained by them, it doesn’t stop my compassion for their plight and i can tell that this guy when/if sober is actually a kind soul. issues up the yin yang of course, but still decent. good luck to you sir.

it was funny to me that i was being the sympathizer advice giver and he thought i was his enemy and ruiner of good times because i was gently suggesting he NOT pull out his dick. oh and i was a punk for it too.

OMFtights

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*i just realised i have a plus one for this party someone be my date you have til 6.30 to let me know!*

a pair of winter tights i was planning my outfit around for tonite are too small i am psychotically pissed off a little bit miffed and now i have to come up with some other stupid outfit to feel insecure in. they don’t go up high enough in the crotch, note to self YOUR LEGS ARE TOO LONG FOR A SIZE MEDIUM NO MATTER HOW SKINNY THEY ARE YOU ARE NOT A MEDIUM STOP BUYING MEDIUMS. steph your christmas present from me this year is a pair of black subtly argyle printed tights with some cat hair from cid, ho ho ho.

i have oprah on right now it’s the repeat of the sex and the city cast episode how fucking fascinating. still haven’t seen this totally predictable piece of cinematic drivel but i plan to just so i have more material to complain about. maybe i will “live” “blog” it from sass‘ couch.

guess what there’s more laundry nemesis ONLY FRIEND breakthrough news! i asked if she went to the christmas party and she said no she doesn’t live here (finally got it out of her) and that she wasn’t invited to which i made a frowny-face and said oh we didn’t go either then she said she went to a BETTER party at casino niagara and won five-hundred dollars and everything was paid for it was her birthday (i think whoever she works for in this building paid for her to go) and i reacted very enthusiastically and wished her happy birthday a couple times and said good for you! before all this she said i looked very summery. guys i think i am this close to hugging her please stop me. i wonder if she thinks about me. hahhahahahaha. or looks forward to the one day a week i do laundry.

i have decided to part my bangs pre-sarah palin days and they are so driving me bananananas!

ok dr. phil is on, you are kind of a big heel if you watch this shit and i cannot like you, at all, big deal breaker sorry. there are way too many reasons to list why dr. phil should dr. fuck himself (ps. I personally coin-phrased that term when i was manic) but i will give you one for now – his marriage failed and he gives advice to married couples and they keep going on the show for more of this marriage advice. ok one more reason why he can lick my bag (before the marriage failed) is he yells and points at people when he is delivering this “advice” as if it is law. like yeah great you’re profiting from the exploitation of stupid people and stupid people require advice to be yelled at them but still, YOU’RE ANNOYING ME DR. PHIL! and why do you come on before AND after oprah? ONCE IS ENOUGH! and why do you sit in those high chairs do you know how uncomfortable that makes me, i am nervous for your life when i see you in that high chair and i hate you don’t make me feel feelings for you! those chairs belong in bars only, like the keg where douche yuppies drink stupid drinks until their spirits break GOD!

and now i will plan something stupid to wear thank you for wasting my time.

ok wait i am too annoyed and involved in the saga what is this couple’s marriage to go away yet. wife (female) dresses in drag for fun and goes out. square husband does not jive with this, he just said he does not like gay things, gay culture (ugh). here is my marriage advice that dr. phil is not saying but should: GET A DIVORCE. he says it “hurts” him and is disgusted by it (someone punch his face off) she won’t stop (and why should she?)(her outfits are totally tame too!) so why are you even together in the first place. i swear, stupid people, stupid show if you are watching it right now you are dead to me.

TGISunday not monday

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i have to go back and write some more bio cards up for each one, many had F words on them, family place right? i get the walls for two months, wicked. once the crazy of xmas is finished i’ll have a party, and add more paintings. i love you grapefruit moon!

fuck, i was hungry.

so there now you know where it is, 968 bathurst and this street. i wrote about GM before here their food will blow your brains out. (haven’t figured how to quick search old posts in wordpress yet that’s why i linked to blogspot, whatevs.)

then off to switch contemporary to drop off a painting for zeesy‘s fundraiser this wednesday dec 10 (you MUST go see she will be making a live appearance all the way from japan! and you can bid on some amazing art)

obama claus!

so cute.

yuula amazes me.

check ya later.

rush home to get ready for fil’s work party where i pretty much did the complete opposite of all my rules, I DANCED MY HEAD OFF!

this sweater swallowed me up too much in this dress, so i did not wear it after all. i wore my beige cardi for like one second, that place was balls hot.

dropped hat, yo nikes i know you want it if you could just look under there you’d see the hidden treasure beneath.

so frustrating.

banquet food is hit or miss, this was miss.

somewhere in there would be turkey.

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiianne! her sister works with fil omfg quelle surprise! liane is back from shanghai, she was my favourite buddy from my england exchange and now she’s all grown up. i’ve been trying to dig up nerdy pictures of us from back then but can’t remember any search terms i used in the original post. here’s one for now.

then it was snl couch time, i didn’t even drink when we got home cos i obvs got blasted enough on wine at the work party. SMART. don’t worry i wasn’t the only one.

what a day.

then i woke up at 5am in an upset stomach panic remembering every stupid thing i said and did at the work party, refrained from taking a chill pill, an ultra strength tums sufficed. the only thing fil is concerned about me sharing with his coworkers was how cid nuzzles his ear and paws at him like a baby everyday. phew. good thing he didn’t overhear all the other shit i said.

ps. do not fall asleep with a band-aid on you would barf if you saw what my finger looks like right now.


Raymi Getting Ready from Phil Ogynist on Vimeo.