lived in bars danced on tables

wanted to look like gwyneth’s new ‘do, i’ll take uma as a runner-up.

hangin’ around waiting for melodie to send her birthday thank yous out on the internet.

so pale. not no more though, went for a nice tan yesterday.

spilled hot sauce on this on the only white strip. COOL. pre-face fixing. wonder if i’ll wash my hair today or not. maybe i should push it one more day?

quite the spectacle yesterday walking around in this dress, with this hair and these boobs and that ass and those legs and and and.

messy face hair pics used to be my thing. why did i do that so much? so hot.

right at this very moment my hair looks so tarded. gayest wig ever.

i feel as though you’ve missed me.

been eating tons of this lately. been eating tons lately. where is the off button?

jeremy said we made parkdale look good.

mr. cafe taste his very self. patio party may 21 guys!

hot tanned yoko mary kate and some guy carrying her food. wicked.

francesco and his sandwich. is it cock blocking putting photos of random dudes on my blog, cock blocking myself? is everyone assuming i’m banging everybody anyway? does it even matter? hello is this thing on?

meanwhile melodie at the mascot. love that place.

walked my ass on up ossington.

held anna hostage and made her eat with me.

oh why not.

ran out of time to do my eyebrows. (tint).

molten cheese with whatever meat that is and wraps. 7 bucks. pretty good all around.

caught in the downpour. so annoying that rain. rain is expensive man. cabs cabs cabs. bars. cabs. fuck.

off to band critique.

what’s this?

you can see my mexican stain and fat stomach. i pissed EVERYBODY off yesterday mentioning how bloated i was infinity times. yes i know drawing attention to it only highlights the problem area but i just couldn’t stop whining. one day a month guys, deal with it. sorry again though. next time i will just stay inside where it’s cheap and hidden.

hair stylist cheating already.


ben needs just as much if not more attention than i do. disaster.

it’s not going to work out guys. hahaha.

he wishes he was a velvet black panther. this guy is funny actually i’m remembering a ton of things said yesterday now anyway his band is playing friday at the silver dollar. go see them, i’ll be working. say raymi sent you.

game show pose. meredith made that beautiful necklace and gave it to me for my birthday.

not true i can always have more.

ok do i wash my hair or not. hmmmmmmmmmmbyeeeeeeeeee.

dance rehearsal in an hour rain FUCK OFF!

if she is electric can i be electric too

hiding my face in my pint cos i couldn’t stop smirking from overhearing this cuckoo bananas reading going on at the table beside us. so much mumbo jumbo, loved the terminology. RIDE THE WAVE. CROSSING OVER. LIFE LINE. these chicks were so into it too. then they started talking about their blogs and then i diiied.

goan chicken curry. what does goan mean? oh i know here’s a quick joke. so this irish radio station (pretend i am typing in an irish accent here) is having a contest for who can come up with a word that’s a word yet not in the dictionary. some guy calls up and says the word GOAN. they’re like ok yes can you use it in a sentence? he says GO’AN FUCK YOURSELF! and hangs up hahaha. then the following week he calls back again, same contest, says his word is smee. they’re like good one now can you use it in a sentence? dude goes S’MEE AGAIN GO’AN FUCK YOURSELF!

AHHAHAHAHAHA ahhhhhhhhh.

mm i’d hammer this back pretty hard about now. it’s just ham though i don’t have any ham jokes sorry.

sorry artisan bread take a relax pill you’re making everybody look bad.

if this were a book cover, coffeehouse fags from the 90’s would beat off to it. oh my GOD have you read the velveteen couch yet? it is SO righteous!

sorry, can’t resist.

meet starstruck anna. she’s been reading my blog since she was 17 and came all the way from norway to gush all over me. she is now 22. crazy crazy. i love new friends.

i saw her from behind before she introduced herself to me and thought look at that chick in that shirt what a bitch hahahah oh man girls suck that’s exactly how it goes. i see great style and instantly think they are going to hate on me. ISSUES.

this picture is not cheesy, you are.

her friend’s band the name escapes me of They are called Julian Bachlow and The Good Times Running, so good and fun and great entertainers. goin’ places kids!

their dance moves are so key.

anna’s boss. rules. i was like sorry guy but you have THEE BEST hair i have seen all nite. he’s like i just got it cut. i’m all really? um, where? you look like a roadie. him: i used to be a roadie! me: so surprised! come back anytime you’re awesome.

another great band i forget the name of but should email me so i can get wasted at their bar. guitarist on the right ordered some fries and asked if they came with a dip i said yes, it’s called ketchup. the entire bar busts up laughing. i was super on last nite, until i cut my hand at least. i zinged him later on too he asked for some pabsts while i was not in the immediate vicinity more so thinking aloud so i serve them and he’s amazed by my pabst-appearing magic trick i just pointed to my ears and said you see these they can like, hear. cue laughter track. you can’t be a shithead to everybody but i knew i could be a shithead to him. then he started calling me ears hahaha.

teppei made some really good bacon tomato sauce. the pile of cheese he says is edmonton style. i thought it was just fat fuck style, which essentially is pretty universal.

party town crew made my nite and in turn i made theirs, they said the central is their new favourite bar. blue shirt (aka cowbell failure) paid my rent in tips what a gentlemanly scholar thanks magnus. trying so hard not to make a norwegian wood joke right now too late though i already said hard. i am going to wear bras every shift from here on in. cartoon character chest. i mean, i’m certain it was my personality what won him over. the girl and the guy are in that first band i can’t remember the name of i should have written it down. i never take notes, i always figure if it’s important enough it will come back to me in some shape or form. what an arrogant grandiose cosmic hippie approach eh, no wonder i am always behind.

anna’s bf in the old man hat. he was bemused by her lovin’ on me and kind of, confused?

no confusion here!

wish i could tell you what they are cheersing to hehehehahahahah. this wasn’t even near last call yet, two hours from it in fact. i kept them pacified right up to then. you’re on central time now.

killin’ me softly.

then look what we noticed! soul mates or, wait for it, SOLE MATES? my dad and i are telepathically high-fiving right now.

yesterday i decided i wanted the hairstyle of a jetson. i said oh no i raised my forehead, anna laughed at me, how can you raise your forehead? i meant eyebrows!

a little better.

having a visible tattoo is fun because people start lifting up their shirts. my favourite one anna’s boss had was of a teeny ferret with an angel halo and wings floating. he has a tattoo of all his pets. tuesday nite this dj kid alan showed me his massive chest tat of this thing it was pretty awesome.

see the ferret haha i love sense of humour tattoos despite this obviously not being at all intentionally funny. it is making me think of the cat came back song/cartoon (america you need to watch it, don’t hate me for when it gets jammed in your head forever though) when the cat finally dies and follows the guy up to heaven as an angel cat also roger rabbit when the bad guy weasels die they float up like angels holy crap i am five years old today one more baby reference and i am taking a nap with my binky. ps. how much did jessica rabbit’s body kind of make you a perverted deviant seeing that during your formative years? no, just me? shut up prudes!

how painful was that shit wow.

i’ve seen feet tats before and they’re so boggling and amazing. why not do the bottoms next hahah. re-reading this over i feel like typing teet fats. there TEET FATS.

ugh. i was wiping down a table by the stage and a glass shard stuck to some candle wax lodged in pretty deep and a huge flap of skin flip flapped i just stared at it in shock then it oozed blood. i pressed against it with my right thumb and raised my left in the air to slow the blood flow then one guy goes, carpal tunnel? i say not really then remove my thumb to reveal the gruesome RAIN OF BLOOD trickling down my wrist haha. it won’t require stitches so don’t worry dad.

hopefully not the only head you got last nite.

nice greasy teenager look right. i need way less harsh of a flash TOO MUCH INFORMATION IS GOING ON IN MY PICTURES. ooh nails are growing i might go for a manicure today. is it mean to go in with half sparkled polish on and make the girl take it off for me? it’s the hardest shit to get off ever. i should do it myself.

hello kitty band-aids can’t help me now.

DANCE TIME! had to do a write-up for this new website pool of all the businesses in the mirvish village. how the fuck do you convey this in a condensed about your establishment blurb?

how about I BET THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN AT THE VIC! (ps i heart the victory)

i chose the clarinet in elementary school (cos my brother did too, my parents didn’t want to buy another mouthpiece so i had to play that boring thing, fun eh? pfft) and used to serenade my brother and his girlfriend into the phone from upstairs or the kitchen phone (he on the basement extension) when he was hogging the thing all nite long. he’d lose it and chase me up the stairs. then ten minutes later i’d do it again. the best was when the reed wasn’t moist enough and it would do that high-pitch squeak that kills your brain.

HAHahaha what is this n’sync?

oh wait this is the cowbell song, what band are they spoofing, or what band are they? do i know anything? NO. more importantly, look how much i am getting stared at here.

sorry i blew this one xenia, next time next time!


day off time to clean my messy room.

for next halloween i am going as a wiener. my costume looks like this.


dave wanted to know

is it true if you play pink floyd’s the wall the same time you hit play on the wizard of OZ does it sync up exactly? can some stoner let me know about this one? also, uh, how did the wizard of OZ predict a band like pink floyd was gonna come ’round? kidding i know it would be the other way around. UPDATE: it’s dark side of the moon not the wall, thanks yuula. check dark side of the rainbow on wikipedia. man, i hope my brother was right when he said one day i will have the capacity to smoke weed again.

you know if you watch any thing ever on tv and listen to any song, doesn’t matter what, it will all sync up. only if you’re on weed though. well not true i used to try to watch tv while mom was vacuuming before i ever did drugs or drank and that synced up just fine.

there’s a special day camp in the park and they are screaming their heads off something crazy right now it cannot be ignored. way fascinating. honestly it sounds like chimpanzees in the jungle.

i’m waiting on my moms and niece to come over to take ‘em around the city HURRY UP I’M A VERY BUSY PERSON.

is anyone else into big brother right now? i so am, first time since i saw’re it in england, before america ripped off their format. remember the very first big brother format tanked, uk’s soared so they copied it and that was in 2000 – we’ve been watching garbage television for a loooong time now. who do you think will win? i’m gunnin’ for jeff or jordan so they can go on that hawaiian cruise and he can finally plow her then get their own reality show spin-off that i can cry to cos her family is poor and loving and she is so stupid and sweet, the best kind. also hello, look at that guy.

you know after i hit publish and tweet/facebook my posts i can see each and every one of you guys on here NOT commenting. i’m gonna add a widget counter on the sidebar so you can see how many of you are on here at the same time. COSMIC.

aunt flo what’s up?

sorry for being a baby i just hate you so much sometimes and your silences are predictable.

room with a view

since these were taken the walls have been rearranged. i said out with all the ikea frames sorry yes cid as kitten shots are very nice and all but yeah, they and the dali and whatever other cliché poster-sized 90s era prints must go as we have both taken down our respective arts from their venues/spaces and they should go up here. i shall make a what is still available for sale set for you to peruse, shortly. i didn’t bother having a party at grapefruit moon, i feel a bit sore about it but not too badly, i didn’t want to take the thunder away from fil’s photo exhibit plus with the pre/post holiday season and overall too much going-on i didn’t want to bombard our collective set of pals with something else to come out to. also, kind of a weird space for a party, and it closes too early for the party kids’ likings.

it’s a shame i can’t ever show what our balcony looks like, it’s quite beautiful. the drapes are closed cos i must have just finished wii fit and i don’t like people looking at me hoola/free-stepping in my underwear.

i was not even aware of this back booth.


Hi Raymi!

I was hoping you wouldn’t mind big upping the Bicycle Film Festival’s call for submissions. I know you have such great, artistic readers, that maybe a few of them would be interested in submitting to the festival. You should make one too or at least star in one! I saw that you got a sweet cruiser :) The Toronto Fest will be in August this year and should be a blast. Also, if anyone is taking too long to make their film, they could email me and work something out:

Thanks Raymi and no worries if you don’t think it is relevant.

BYE and did you know Sparks got discontinued??!

my turnzies

i’m kinda useless in this vid a bit, trust me, got way better later on, i even got the ringer of all ringers out i was so floored over that one. i can barely throw those stupid sponge balls. i can catch ‘em and dodge ‘em far better. ugh the soreness is kickin’ in now, i know i’m not gonna be as bad as fil cos i wii fit way more than he does.

dodgeballerz from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

i also just received the best news ever YESSSSSSS! can’t spill the beans yet though.

we’re having pesto chicken pasta for dinner, well deserved.

we came in second place, our team was awesome, that final playoff game was real close.

coronary, anyone?

the following is brought to you by starvation dementia.

gawd lawdy lawdy hi! DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!! fuck it’s a close race i can’t take it man and why do i care? i dunno, well i do, and will elaborate more on that after a jug of coffee.

over christmas fil’s mom saw the teeny brush i’d stubbornly been using on my wet hair and flipped (not really) so she bought me my own big girl comb. aw. life’s gonna change now boys.

no more ghetto rings thanks to nat’s extras.

you will not believe who i get to see tonite, strictly for irony’s sake of course, oh man i’m bursting, kinda sorta, but you will have to wait for that news however, speaking of won’t believe it, remember pitt? well he’s a sober sally now and totally a drama queen, i mean, he’s in a play (a racy one at that) called bedrooms and it opens this upcoming weekend (we’re going of course). he plays a dude who tries to get a threesome going haha.

here’s a little chat we just had

Patrick: On Jan 8, 9, and 10 the Poor Cousin Theater Co., will be doing a production of “Bedrooms” at the Oakville Centre For Performing Arts.

me: can i mention that you’re a sober sally now

Patrick: if you think that has a hook, i have no shame about it
“Bedrooms” is a set of five comedies that explore the uncertain journeys of love, marriage, fidelity and getting older
For me the real story of all this is the director Leslie Carelse

me: right but my readers know you

Patrick: I know, I’ll make the relation for you to post. When I was about 12, or 13 my mom threw me into the Parks And Recreation Program in Oakville to keep me out of trouble. There I met Leslie who was the fixture of young actors in Oakville.
He taught the “Art of Acting Program”. I used it as a place to meet girls, but I can sincerely say that a lot of my make up today was augmented by what I learned under his tutelage

me: big words pitt!

Patrick: I’m sober now, and have more time to read the dictionary. Through the magic of facebook, I organized a drink up in Oakville about a year ago of old actors from this program. Leslie and I came up with an idea of an alumnist show. Leslie got auditions going for a bunch of his students over the last 2 or more decades. And put together this Theater Company: “Poor Cousin”. Basically he (we) are trying to bring in a younger crowd to Oakville’s theater culture.

me: can i just quote you verbatim

Patrick: If you like, but feel free to edit or ask questions. There’s been a lot of ups and downs that went into this production, but I truly believe Leslie is onto something, I’m really happy to be a part of it. There’s too many shows that cater to the old blue hairs and remote control corpses of Oakville. While the Burbs will never have the hipster culture of Toronto, or even Mississauga for that matter, it’s a nice little niche of cool in an otherwise stuffy city.

me: well i look forward to seeing it

fil took this picture, it was my idea for the chick to show more skin she had the sheet over her shoulders like a nana, i said maybe you should tuck it under your arms like so. ME!

Patrick: That’s why I want you and Phil to come see it, be a part of it and so forth. This is a legacy and the fact that Leslie has rounded up his students (some pro actors, others clearly not) to do this is cool. And I play a guy trying to get a threesome on with his Mistress and Sex Therapist…so I don’t think that’s something Oakville has seen too much of.
Oh and you and Fil get to see me prance around on a stage in my underwear again, so it’ll be like Old times.

me: no i doubt it
yeah nothing new there
ok this is good, heartfelt, you’re really a believer

For tickets call 905.815.2021 (toll free: 1.888.489.7784) or visit
the Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts box office

PUMPED for pumps

can i show you my new shoes?

ahh brings me back to my “modelling” days.

orgasmic shoe high apparently.

your face is gratuitous and nothing i do is.

stunned, waiting around for that timer to go off is B-O-R-I click.

doods do you think tonite’s the nite or what!?

i wore these socks yesterday (yes they’re clean now did laundry today pay attention) with my new mental illness pants and topped it off with a different plaid shirt.

just makin’ sure they’re the same size you never know with winners.

somehow scarier in shadow.

the double point just felt desperate right.

supes cheese way to get the shoes in there.

ugh fil why is that vacuum attachment in my shot stop embarrassing me on the internet!

ok get the point now i think we do just one more butch for the road…

take it all in folks doubt i’ll be cruisin’ around in ‘em much.

oooooooooooh finally someone linked to my blythe tattoo in a blythe forum i was too lazy to join anyway check the my little pony arm sleeve in the post below the one where my tat post is linked to, it’s amazing.

new robe new purse STILL!! SICK!!! wtf

and for crying out loud can YOU losers update your blogs holy frig the internet is boring this time of year and what day is it saturday? jesus. JUST TELL ME A FUCKING STORY IN MY COMMENTS THAT’S ALL I WANT NOT A LOT TO ASK JUST GO, LEAVE, I HATE YOU. is it too early to start drinking on an empty stomach i am so stir crazy i’m in a dimension of whole ‘nother.

dsrg;iuhoiehphinfepnrendf;Fbndfbs:Few;m and so on.