went to lucky cheng’s last nite and sang karaoke with anita cocktail the transvestite. she grabbed my boobs a lot and danced when i sang VOGUE and FERNANDO.

she tole me she weighed 217 lbs and called me a superstar.

i am hungover.

2 nites ago i dreamed i was watching television and there were all these assholes standing in my way so i

screamed out in my sleep I CAN’T SEE!!! my boyfriend thought i sed I CAN’T SLEEP and was all, “You ARE Asleep. SHUT UP!”

i always feel very embarassed when i talk in my sleep and get caught. cuz you have to explain what you said and you always look like a tool.

Ariel from Disney’s, The Little Mermaid turned me on. I always wondered


she had a pussy under her green gills and if she would ever take the


from her tits off. I felt uncomfortable looking at beautiful women if


people were around. I was worried they could tell i was turned-on and

everyone was looking at me. It was different when i saw hot guys – i


and gaped like a dirty old man and told everyone i had a boner. Never


women – they made me feel shy and stupid.

when i was 16 i dated a 29 year old –

– we were together for 6 months

– for the first month and a half of our relationship i faked a british accent

- finally i told him it was fake

– he was ok by that but a lil weirded out

– and that led to trust issues

more on this later

it is so effin’ H O T my hair puffs out into this weird shape on my head. i’ve taken to wearing a doo-rag scarf thing so now i look like a cancer patient. how nice. sometimes i can’t help staring at retards. i’m sure everyone does it. i kinda feel guilty for doing it but you know, can’t be helped.

i am the white diana ross

planet of the apes is the bestest movie! i was so scared and screamed thru the whole thing. there’s this part when one ape pounds the fucking shit out of another ape and it is so raw-dog. imagine falling into the ape pit in the zoo and being pounded by an ape. holy fuck. 6 fat black people sat behind us and ate popcorn very loudly and slapped their knees the whole time. this made me very very mad. instead of muttering to myself and giving them dirty looks i talked really loud and screamed out at the scarey parts and made ape noises. why do theatres have the AC up so goddamn high? i had goose bumps so bad they made little bruises. my flip flop fell off at one point and my bare foot landed in sticky stuff. i wear flip flops practically everyday now. when i get home my feet are so black and gross it looks like i have cancer feet. i am not allowed to go to sleep until i wash them with soap and water.

i invited my weird friend over last nite for chess and beer and i whooped his ass inside out in only 7 moves. then we spied on the neighbors with a telescope on the roof. i don’t know how but later on at great lakes we all began telling stories about pissing ourselves in bed and sleepwalking. it resurfaced the memory of my first drinking experience when i was in grade 8. i slept-walked up and outta my bed about 4 in the morning, smashed everything off my dresser, pulled down my pants, jumped on my dresser ass-first and then pee’d all over it. my mum came in just as i was pulling my pants back on and asked what the fuck i thought i was doing. i was still asleep but i started telling her that i had gotten a glass of water and spilled it on the dresser. the next morning they made me clean it all up. i was grounded for a week.