Do you want to be my toyfriend?

Hi buddies. Happy hump day. Put my Flinstoner dress on yesterday then hit the road for some fun in the sun. The last and only time I ever wore this thing was Christmas. A girl goth eyed me up and down in it and I told bf this is like a prom dress to a goth for sure definitely, combined with my tattoos she could not stop staring a hole through me to think if I opened my mouth and said something in Canadian I bet she would have asploded into goth poetry. My heart has a bleed-on for summer time goths cos my inner emo kinda is one. If I could have given her this dress I would have kinda thing and I wasn’t even drunk, just thirsty. Sometimes I think I am like so nice like look out everyone NICE JUST ARRIVED floor it!

Amsterdam picture of the day. I’m going to do a dedicated Amsterdam post yet don’t worry (worry) instead of just farting them out hither and yon instagrammish. This street and there are many is a little Champs Elysees.

An upcoming set (within this post) of me trying to climb a sand dune hill. Wow, imposs. Lots more healing to do. :(

Those are Wisteria flowers. Gorgeous. This photo is being spread around tumblr yay original content for once.

Happy a kid’s swing set can support me no problem.

Before walking through the forest to the watering hole, an actual watering hole not a bar euphemism for once, had to take some field shots. This is in Holland. Needs to be said I feel cos we go to Germany so often. Kinda makes me think of Inglorious Basterds a little. Shosanna! Love her.

Minus the running for my life.

He wanted to line my head up with the windmills but it didn’t work out. I mooned the camera in one photo but it has been so long since I posted a nude I don’t think I could handle the backlash and nasty remarks from angry mean people anymore, I mean I can handle it but it’s super annoying like really? From all the nudity and saucy stuff on the web you have to hyper focus on me still? Thank you for ruining good times always.

One of our regular places to go for a stroll when we get stir cray. There’s a path all along the swamp whatever. Bit of a land locked country, where we are at least so not much water for the Dutch to enjoy which makes me chuckle cos in Canada we are spoiled by bodies of water.

Not only was the water brown it was cold not that I walked all the way down to it f that. Wish I knew we were going here I’d have brought a bikini.

It’s pretty steep. Not the wisest place for a stroll. I had numerous visions of rolling down the hill and falling in. Uneven sandy terrain and my ankle don’t mix but I’m not going to not try.

Glad it was pretty deserted otherwise lots of crack for one and all to see. Pretty sure a man and his dog peeped my butt when I was sitting down in the sand on bf’s shirt with my dress hiked up so as not to get it sandy. Free candy!

He was laughing at my plight then started capturing my slow mo ascent for you guys. Aw my crab, my monkey. Monkey is my nickname btw cos we climb each other like monkies.

Yesterday I learned that limping uphill is hard shit.

And that I haven’t a clue how to do it gracefully.

Shut up I hate you no fair.

At least my hair is getting cuter.

Omg this sucks look I have three fingers.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh guhh.

Lefty is the bad foot. Guess I’m takin’ a T-O here?

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Hi Booberdoobers, also, goobers. Yesterday we drove to Germany cos it was so nice out.

Today is even nicer so I’m going to tippity type this blog post as fast as I can so I can finish my homework then sit in the sun. We just cut the grass, which is a big deal cos we have that house with the cray english garden that all the neighbour’s hate. I bet someone was slow-clapping in their kitchen at the sight of us. Ha. Or thought they were seeing a mirage. As you can see I did not wash my hair before going out, I likes to keep it low maintenance.

I have a lot of photos of this castle but this is the first time the sky was bright sunny blue. Sorry for the windshield crap.

Patio doggy.

The Hoff’s bench? He is huge in Germany after all. I had a Berlin friend when I was 19 and her bf, also my friend said she had a David Hasselhoff poster on her wall which we found endlessly hilarious. Wonder if she’s still in Berlin. I also met a girl from Holland when I was a teenager in Sauble Beach and we were pen pals way back when I wonder how much her mind would be blown to hear from me now. I have no idea what her name is I’d have to look in my journal lol. My bro had the hots for her.

Floor score shirt, pretty nice. It was brand new in its shopping bag. No shame all fame. First time wearing it. I am becoming one with my Euro cheesiness.

Cute little nook of a patio. All the other places were closed, it was Monday after all but still I’d ring up my little lazy German rascal staff and scream them in to work cos it was patio weather which we’ve been waiting for forever.

Sheep’s cheese olives onions peppers. Trying to read German is more impossible than Dutch. I totally give the fuck up. As a foodie it is infuriating. I’m like just whatever make sure there is cheese and salt. This was really good.

The carpaccio was really good too. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, note to self do not order a main after appetizers in Germany cos the portions are gigantic. The mixed grill was a supreme disappointment after these, plus the fucking hair on one of the pieces of pork. It’s not a complaining about your food kind of nation either (womp womp complaining is my favourite lol) it’s more of a pull it off your meat shut up and like it. It was such a long black gross wiry hair too, lost appetite after that.

Everything is so cute. Hi are the Three little bears home? This is the side of the restaurant.


Mini turtle catching a lift! This is in the swamp beside the castle.

That one. After driving to this town several times we finally investigated it. Bf has seen it before of course but now it’s a full blown Raymi experience. You have not lived before you have experienced Raymbo. Also two months ago today was my foot accident in Aruba so yesterday was our two month Raymiversary.

Within 24 hours of meeting the dude I was in the hospital baha. #soulmate. He actually adores my clumsiness I’m like for real why? No seriously why?? He’s like I dunno I just do it’s cute and, you. I don’t care how much haters think I’m hateable I’m really not and you’re wasting your time on the dark side. His sister loves me too and said I’m really nice. omgaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

At least I dressed like a cyclist.

It wasn’t warm enough to wear shorts but just about.

Sexy mom times blaha. Now I don’t care what this castle’s name is or what year it was built or any of that crap, I had an ex who exhausted the shit out of this stuff and it made sightseeing uber boring basically all I know is everyone and anyone who ever had to do with this place is dead now, bye bye. Okay, what I mean is I have zero attention span plus I can’t read German we’re more concerned with photographing the grounds for the internet. You’re welcome.

Besides I think I blogged a line or two from wikipedia about this place in my Medieval fair posts.

I think some of you would enjoy seeing how I maneuver up cobblestones these days. Like a crab. Or a drunk. I am a walking ‘nother accident waiting to happen.

Why does my head look like a teeny little acorn when I cock it like this. Yes I said cock.

Bet some bad ass shit went down here back in the day though.

Purty. Wish I knew flower names, wish I knew lotsa things.

A blond couple (version of us) walked over to that wall to take pics and spark a doobie. The dude looked at me a lot. Probably because I exclaimed that I was bored in English cos my bf was hogging the camera and German pothead was like WTF is that American saying now? People get whiplash when they hear me open my mouth. When I don’t feel like the attention I just nod and smile at people silently, silent smiles go a long way.

We’ve hung out down there before.

People park there for the weekend, plug in to get electricity then parking lot hang.

Clean energy. :)

Something about the stairs.

gates on tower windows make me nervous.

Ha. I’d say next time I’ll dress better but nope, I won’t. I told my bf he dresses like a five year old and he forever quotes that but says 2 year old and I said no, five, or four. It’s not about what you wear to the places you go it’s about going to them at all.

Should we go over there?

I’m going on this swing and you can’t stop me.

“Whee” as they say.

Okay I’ll brb I’m being summoned to head out cos it’s gorgeous and I concur. Tomorrow it’s going to rain cats and dogs. Be back sooners.

Let’s get Raymical.

TGIFU time! Love it. See that can? My bf kicked it away when we were getting in the car to leave and it rolled down the street for like an hour, funny little details like that make the world go round. Cans too. He said it’s still rolling and I’m like what, really? Then we froze in silence and I could hear it from inside the car tootling away bahahha.

So after we finished up hanging around some vintage cars and canal boats we got back on the road making our way to Amsterdam. I felt like total carbage. We went to Germany the day before then stayed up late playing video games drank-a-lanking, got up early-ish and were out the door by noon before I could even finish my morning ritual of water coffee smoothie pooping and suffice it to say now bf knows not to force me out the door before I am ready because it ruins his day too gaddamnit. Anyway those be tulips, maybe next time there’ll be some tiptoeing through them.

Seriously can someone please explain the damage what was (RIP dude not speakin’ ill of the dead here) Tiny Tim thank you. He’s kind of a genius right, like Crispin Glover with a Tim Burton filter. Back to MY LIFE now though.

This is Urk. It was a holiday, Pinksteren, something religious and as luck would have it the inhabitants of this town are super ultra all about it and donned their traditional Dutch attire. They look like Amish Mafia to me. The guys have these clinky golden earrings it’s pretty badass and I couldn’t help but feel suspicious of all of them.

They don’t walk around like this all the time that’s why my bf said we were lucky.

Lotsa this. At least it didn’t rain.

Lotsa that.

Ooh sweet.

Look at the jealous stares at the pretty one. International jeals.

She’s super owning it though. Their bonnets have gold and/or silver balls that jam into their cheeks and look like cheek piercings.

Very narrow topsy turvy streets. Everything was closed because of the holiday maybe things were open til noon but we didn’t get there til 2 or 3? One place was open by the water and that’s where everyone was strolling by to people watch and take photos of the boats on the water. We were fungry it was a funger emergency thank god for that place. A German fisherman directed us toward it and when we drove off I asked if he was the R word cos he spoke so slowly and then my bf imitated how he methodically directed us for a half hour, it was cutelarious. I wish I could type how people speak here, I don’t even know how to describe it. I’ll make a video one day.

I went in here to wee and check it out maybe infer as to taking the table out front plus getting their attention (hate waiting for service) but then I’m like oh yeah there is no way they’re going to understand me. I just pretend I am invisible everywhere and force my way into bathrooms.

It was coldish. It’s always coldish. I’m always coldish. Yesterday it was 7. Last year on 23 May it was 30. THIRTY. By the time it gets hot I won’t be here. Great.

It’s all about the scenerey and fish though. Name that bit of Canadiana 90’s culture album. Try not to google it you tool.

Although they’re wearing clogs the dudes look pretty badass. If all my Dutch bros were wearing their funky outfits and I wasn’t I would run the hell home and put mine on too. Once a year guy, do it.

Those guys had the gold earrings on too. They look like gypsy earrings. Like a secret club. Their dialect is a bit different than regular Dutch not that I can discern the difference but bf can. He would laugh at certain things he overheard but then also not comprehend some things. Like Amish slang maybe?

Buh buh buh boats.

Ruh Ruh Ruh Raymi.

Perspective makes these look the same size but they’s ain’ts.

So I guess if we have a kid I’ll be allowed to dress it up like a Dutch doll. Yay.

Derno why the folks weren’t dressed up too though I think I’d feel like a self conscious moron after checking out the mom’s heels. Nice.

Super cute.

Super cute. No idea how he can just wear a t-shirt. Such a dude.

This is gonna be good.

Oh aww. It’s okay the dog dissed me too.

Haahaha. Hi friend. This is my desktop background. Can’t wait for Cray Tray’s commentary.

New flickr is making things take ten times longer btw thanks yahoo ps. thanks for tumblr take over too ya jerks.

Good thing I wore my gypsy hoops that day.

Just wait til that hair is longer. Whip it flip it good.

I’m gonna dye it this weekend. Darker or lighter? Or should I stay in the hair extensions colour family in case I need to rock ‘em?

Keep it nautical bro.

Bikes need hugs too.

This guy reminded me of my Uncle Rodgey. He had a slice of apple pie and a glass of red wine. He was ignored for ten minutes when he first arrived and was calm enough about it, when he showed up to the table beside me that had crap on it still from the previous patrons he stood in a am I allowed to sit here? daze and I gestured Yes you can sit there. He sat to my right instead, weirdo. Bf was like ew red wine and pie? I thought you don’t understand red wine you are not allowed to talk shit about red wine. Red wine all mine gimme gimme. Yesterday was sober day btw.

Finally. I ate half of this schnitzel. Holy schnit I felt like schnit afterward though, something was off, maybe the mayonnaise I dunno. BTW if I ever open a schnitzel place it’s gonna be called Holy Schnit!

And that cheese looks passed it’s prime too. This is what your sandwich looks like, make it yourself jerk off.

Boat porn.

I should photoshop the sky blue.

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Von Dutch

Hey guysbians. On Sunday we didn’t go to that freshtival I wanted to go to so instead we drove to Amsterdam and blabbity blah took a lot of photos, saw lots of stuff and things and things and more stuff, towns, cows, tulips, tourists yadda yadda here is the first installment.

I brought a couple costume changes. My surf maxi dress is versatile in that it is beachwear and a snuggie at the same time and people’s faces look like question marks here when they see me in it. YOLO EUROs.

It was supposed to be a sunny day. It wasn’t. There’s lots of windmills here. Both retro and modern. I have some trippy videos of them set to trance music or whatever it is the crap that we listen to.

I held my peepee for as long as I could then it got painful, we stopped off at a place where a nice lady let me use her cafe’s facility. She didn’t speak english. Obviously I’m not asking for a danish yo. Bathroom? Can I use your bathroom? Luckily no matter what nationality they are, the word toilet is understood. It’s gotten to the point where I just say TOILET even though I am perfectly capable of saying toiletten cos then they think I am American and know not to f around. I took the above picture after I wizzed, coulda just said that and moved on but nope sorry. Not sorry.

This town is like the Venice of this town. It’s the coldest May ever. Next time I am packing properly.

See how the flag of The Netherlands looks like France? France’s stripes are vertical.

Car pervs everywhere. I bet they all watched us through the windows of that restaurant with binoculars.

You can rent these boats and have a boat picnic and stare at everyone like you have staring problems.

South path.

Three girls, one guy, a ton of food.


Which one do you like most?

There’s a lot of Mr. Bean cars here too. Bf says they’re nice looking but break down a lot. Also they’re way too small, so unsafe. I prefer a tank thanks.

That one’s got a Batmobile-looking flare about it.

These are for my dad so just scroll if your eyes start to get heavy.

Think I like the blue one most.

Don’t worry lots of pics of me coming up. This is getting boring though I need to crack a beer to make the funny flow.

So sweet.

Then it was sunny for three minutes. Everything looks better bathed in sun. It looks awesome to begin with cos it’s Europe but the sun reeeeeeeally brings out the amaze.

I changed in the car after this. Walking in a bed sheet with my messed up ankle on grass is too dangerous and when people check me out I’m too shy for it I don’t want to walk into a sign like Kanye.

No idea.

Okay lets check out over here now.


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Meet Yopi

Birds kept dive bombing everyone on this patio. Back-up soon arrived. I love lap cats. Short lived love. Yopi the cat is the boss of this restaurant’s patio. Everyone tried to get her (his?) attention but guess who she liked most? The cat’s hovering was particularly novel because just over yonder were hundreds of drunk people all crowding/partying about and the cat was super chill about it. I like that kinda stuff.

Took a bajillion pics yesterday, went to Amsterdam. On the way there visited a couple lovely places, stay tuned for that. Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Psy and Obama have been to this town called Volendam, we saw their pictures in a photo studio tourist trap store. Going for a walk now. Happy May 2-4 everyone back home don’t blow up your face with fireworks thanks kay bye. Btw it has been the coldest spring on record ever here.

Nacnud, more vintage British car pictures for you coming soon.

Soiling the Royals

All Bunny ears up cos my Playboy Energy Drink Canada UK vs. Dutch Royals article is up. Woah that was a lot of countries listed in a row in one sentence. Whatever forever. Long live Prince Harry and spicy QILF Máxima of the Netherlands, plus the rest of ‘em. Except Camilla. HISS. Love Raymi Bunny Lebowski the First.

Queen’s Day was awesome. Why should I grow up when this art school geezer doesn’t have to? I’d rather be like him than any of you every day of the week. You guys need to check yourself and enjoy life a little more. Me, I’m good. Miss you Canuckleheads.