It’s Reading Raymbo

So much nicer up there than being down here gotta go back bro. When not being filmed I read exquisitely, I’ll do better. We’re enjoying libations and bbqing steak. Yay!

Currently obsessed with Toy story 3 for xbox. Getting owned on some little girl’s room, a tea party gone haywire except it’s coffee filling up the room and you float on books and toys, brutal. Are ten year olds geniuses now or something. Bye roofy times. You can so tell I have seen Midnight in the Garden of good and evil the way I know every line drawl and slur of Kevin Spacey’s (main character of book) and John Cusack’s voice is boring and plain.

Rayminx somewhat stinks.

I am never giving up these pants. NEVER. This is my contribution to punk. Look how long my leg is by the way. Raymi long legs. People fear me like spiders so it makes sense.

I had to go over to stupid’s house last night to watch tv because we don’t get mtv here and while we typically order or stream shows online after the fact to get my mtv fill that is not conducive to live tweeting a program therefore to stupid’s house I go.

See THIS is how you watch tv thank god for me showing you how it’s done.

Dear rich people corporations one day when you give me a bigger budget you can see pictures of us watching a tv maybe three times the size as this one boy how am I even able to work under these circumstances? Luckily the two other guys up against me seem like ignoramus’s with no twitter followings so hopefully it was a set up for me to win. No contest. The other other two tasks have me way more nervous though. I have never been nervous to watch tv before however, that was a bizarre feeling. Oh no what if I am stupid? I am so stupid! Who are these kids and why do the three girls all look exactly the same? That is what old people sounded like when mtv was first invented I am sure. Oh right, the show I’m talking about is punk’d and if you just lurk my twitter @raymitheminx you can read and follow it all from last night’s challenge. One of the official punk’d twitter accounts favorited a tweet of mine so that’s a win.

Ooh that’s a bad hunch. Bad bad girl. Very bad.

I took 20 pictures of this. You need more mirrors or a full length to capture more of the awesome.

I am digging this sweater more and more I am wearing it again right now. Cozy. You can get one from 3F, quite affordablah.

Look more eye makeup. I think if you make a heavier lid it makes them pop more and distracts from the sunken crevices what are my under eyes.

That’s me as Jenny McCarthy. Just kidding she is so cheeseballs. Whatever like I’m Isaac Newton. Did you know “Newton was also highly religious. He was an unorthodox Christian, and wrote more on Biblical hermeneutics and occult studies than on the subjects of science and mathematics.” No wikipedia, I did not know that. Occult you say? Interesting.

Come on. You call this a picture? You may as well be across the street.

Shut up I’m working!

Commercial break.

No regrets. Tons. Lol. Do you know how many times people ask me that in interviews? You are forcing me to screw with you more now. Yes I do have regrets. That I never learned to tie my shoes. Actually now that I mention it I was a late adopter to that particular technology. Special. You betcha.

I am the last person on the planet who uses a PC right. I just like the shit that I like lay off me! I want an iphone so I can instagram GO FUCK YOURSELF to everybody over there. No just kidding so I can talk to other hipsters. And play angry birds. But why can’t they make an iphone exactly like a blackberry, one with a keyboard. Jules gets glass in her fingers from the smashed screen. Cool safe. They aren’t durable. I put my last blackberry through the ringer, dropped it infinity times, used the battery to the max overheated it like cray like it was about to fucking explode and it still worked. It still works today I have no idea where it is it should be put in a goddamn museum that little sucker, copy and pasting the letter e and number 2, how I do not miss you at all and now I think I’d rather incinerate it because it brought me so much rage, much as PC’s are wont to do but they have ms paint and simpler functions. I am not a mind reader I wasn’t born knowing cntrl apple something c v whatever my learning curve can only go so far because that is all I will allow it. I still know people who refuse to go on twitter. I think I am doing pretty good here. I think this defensive requisite I’m PC rant shall suffice. But don’t you think it makes sense that I am team blackberry and PC? When you really think about it (if you have enough time to I mean you are probably busy sorry to bother you) anyway, I love Macs too but I’d rather date someone who has one and have my PC and have the best of both worlds.

Oh wait I have a present for you.

My favourite meme. I bet my dad has no idea what that means. Instagram I mean. I meme. Hi dad I miss you! I read a chapter of Roger’s book today because the power was out. Not bad.

What now.

Rebecca put these on and pretended to be our therapist. I tried to have a fight with her about saying she knows more about food than I do. I am going to compile a list of every single restaurant I’ve reviewed and dump them on her fucking head!

One of our view’s from living room Romeo and Juliet balcony hope I don’t fall out of that one day I am stupid enough for it to happen that’s for sure. ‘Sup naybes!

What is this Japan why are you on my potato vodka? And why is Kevin Smith being such a whiner right now by the way? Someone sounds like they want to be Bruce Willis. If someone is emo IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE SAD YOU FUCKING ASSCLOWN. I never thought K Smith was funny and I never will and now I am continuing my invented feud with him. Clerks? Most pretentious boring pile of over-hyped crap ever. I will give you Jay and Silent Bob Strike back but the silent thing died with Andy Kaufman so chill on that character bro.

Dance karate. Remind me to upload the videos of you demonstrating a choke hold and a kick on/with me.

I don’t remember seeing this thank god for these pictures I clearly missed out.

Rebecca texts me her zit healing progress. Seriously. She had a bullet hole one on her forehead I pointed out yesterday, today she said it fell off too. Thank you.

How did I miss these before? Where am I? We share her camera and I guess I didn’t transfer them. See how much I am the underdog now, I am faxing this blog post in.

Smile Time Station this is my stop!

I like this hoodie because I feel like it makes me look like I have my shit together, like a normal, ordinary, suburban lets go for a hike chick. Also it is still fresh and new looking. I wear it for very short periods of time never. Here is the first time I wore it.

I was going to do this again and I will and you will like it. O_O.

Soon those crappy dead trees will be tossed and I will have new tropical plants again. Probably the same ones. I still want them for free though so give me some tropical plants now thanks. Maybe a vine too, turn that wall in to a frigging jungle backdrop which will look fresh and dope for my spring break videos up there.

It’s a nice fitted hoodie, I got it as a gift from Style Exchange. VIPLEASE me! I want more from them gimme gimme. My tickle trunk is just a pile of clothes on the floor I keep meaning to sort it but I never want to. It’s just boring but I will do it and photograph all the crap I’m getting rid of and you can claim it for something to wear when you express your lonerisms alone at night during “you time” in the mirror drawing lipstick all over your face or something lol. I submitted lonerisms to urban dictionary years ago. REJECTED.

Cowabunga. The umbrella is dismantled because of the windy night (lots of those lately) blew it over. Teacher was like the wind blew over the umbrella can you believe that? Uh yes I can what’s so surprising about that? The guy has umbrella phobia probably because an umbrella hit him in the head and concussed him, but it wasn’t any old umbrella oh no, it was a Starbucks umbrella. They gave him a settlement, pretty stingy if you ask me. He should also get coffee for life too. But anyway have you seen what those things look like now? They’re three pointed modernly designed impalements waiting to happen and now I am umbrella paranoid too oh great if you see me jogging by you having a coffee in Liberty Village you know why.

It’s not NSFW if it’s fashion right.

In those other pics where Jules is covering my little friends Rebecca said I couldn’t even find your tits. Enigma out!

No wait one more thing this made the rounds yesterday so my american readers can better understand the country I am from. I kinda skimmed it but I can only imagine that it is pretty much probably exactly true and if you are offended GOOD.

The milky why? Because asshole.

Feeling crappy? Saganaki!

It was annoying that they snuck up behind me and lit it before I had a chance to start filming it. OCD people have specific and confusing items on their list to complete or they never get over it. NEVER. Spake like Skeletor. And one of those things is capturing a saganaki flambé so wait next time bro please. Especially when you have already seen me photographing the salt & pepper shakers what do you think this is fun and games? Just kidding I am a table angel.

So here’s a video I took in Collingwood of another Saganaki that the girl gave me a head start on instead. Thank yew.

It really steams me up when a restaurant uses tabasco sauce. I *promise this is my last complaint of the post (*promise not guaranteed) but honestly if you are banking on any sort of authenticity, smash some peppers in to olive oil, drown that shit and add more peppers, jalapeno I don’t care and put it in a tiny bowl with a tiny spoon. Don’t make me pour hot vinegar all over your cuisine. Please. It is already greasy enough. We had a wonderful time at this place and it felt like being on a cruise ship or some kind of hide out. Note to world: I have not been on a cruise ship before.

Dining out put me in such a great mood I did a little dancing.

Getting ready for it I blasted us some November rain for nine minutes of grateful air guitaring and axl swaying. Great pre-game jam.

Now where were we? Yes. Dinner. This place was full of fogeys. Good people but, I dunno, when I am the most urbane person in a restaurant I think that is telling. I love being a big fish but anyway, it seems to be all about old school charm and manners which I love and so definitely do the regular clientele. You can take the tourists here. You watch special moments here, I am just so in to people watching and I hate people who say that but it’s the most entertaining thing. But be sure to focus on your date too and make your own fun little world and take turns playing angry birds only if the other goes out for a smoke and read your server well, they reveal themselves a lot in their serving style and lack thereof. Ours got teacher tanked, she was a pro for sure. Ouzo? Okay bro on your own there lol. I had a sip and it was enough for me o_O.

Retsina is terrible so I did not allow it but ok’d a greek wine that would be more palatable. In the words of Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock I CAN’T EAT THIS I’M A FOODIE. Ha. I also hate grappa and I know that’s italian but it is eugh, don’t get it. Limoncella yes please. I was blown away to learn that none of the Jersey Shore cast knew about Limoncella for an after dinner digestif that gets you wickedly loaded! :) it is the shit. Anyway, back to my dining with the minx show.

I forgot my button was done up but in hindsight it was adorablah. I was high off the success of my attention-seeking outfit in the short distance from the other restaurant we were going to eat at (it was closed for renovations) and Penelope’s, this one. I was just digging the vibe here it was calm and quiet and felt like a get-away teacher had been there before, for dates that I did not press him on. I live my life like a sage geezer, staring profoundly in to space and complaining about everything so it suits me a place like this. I like new experiences too. I am eating this entire city before I am through with it. Someone said there should be Raymi Ate Here plaques in my regular spots yeah I can be a zagat’s one day in the year 3000 when there are flying dogs. Bonus: over the wall was a whole party of people at a long table. Those things make me feel awkward so I adore staring at them secretly. I am perverse and you suffer for it.

We also ordered chicken souvlaki. I am way more in to Shawarma to be honest. Do they have fancy restaurants for that instead of take out/delivery/drunk eat-ins post bar? I bet they would give me all the hot sauce I demanded. Sometimes I get are you sure you want hot sauce in this challenging way then I go to town and they are like WOW. Here is how I will die: hot sauce.

Requisite mirror checks.

Aside: Why don’t they sell teeth whitener at the supermarket? Annoying.

Jowl are you? Are those jowls? What are jowls? Or is it five o’clock shadow from my humongous nose?

Fixed it. Duck lips?

Dentist appt soon. Must make. I am scared. It has been two years and I know there is some fucked up shit going on in there. I am a classic avoider. Big giant baby. Esquire.

After dinner many hours later we ordered pizza. I am going to stop doing that it’s so detrimental to my diet plan and progress, for what I don’t know but always having to “get back” to a size or your content size after eating dinner 4 times in a night hahah. I stay up too late. I think my late 20’s antics can be attributed to the inability to accept that I “am older” and so I can dress young look young act young be young but I know my insides (organs) aren’t. Oh well, look good now, die later. I am black comedy because I want you to be healthier, you kids, that I assume can only make up or begin to make up the majority of my audience, my mtv hipster mickey mouse demo, no? So listen to Aunt Raymi and go to bread. Go to bed reasonably early instead of hours of tv. or internet. Or whatever it is you are doing!

Okay good back to real camera now.

I apologize for this boring ass post and no picture of souvlaki. Take it as a punishment for some other time you may have wronged me or made me mad, okay? hahahha. Bath time!

Pockets full of stones

Hey guys. I just dumped mystery camera on to my computer. Groov-ay. Shockingingly, it only contains pictures of your hero in her living room. Nah there were others but I wanted to keep it less you more me.

Aren’t all biker babes just a little morose? It’s a tough and rough life I imagine. Maybe I will write biker fiction. Or maybe I will take my bicycle and get it tuned for the season. Yes, we’ll start there.

Moi? Pourquois?

Sometimes “when I get made fun of” or “criticized” one thing people say is I don’t have any talent. Oh really. So my only talent is getting dressed up staying bot-like putting on makeup (yes these are talents believe it or not as a 29 year old woman IMO) and taking pictures for my blog (that people can’t stop staring at) really Hal? What do YOU look like nowadays bro? How are book sales? Ha ha this is a retort like only three years later to Shulgan’s piece on me in the G&M. I blushed when Surane brought it up during our interview because, well, nevermind, but the die-hards will definitely be wanting to see that interview.

I am leader of the opposition how is that not talent? I can do this pose with my hands on my hips how is that not talent? Just kidding I know that’s not talent. That dog loves me. Talent. We are getting a cable casing/hiding thinger for back there so, more talent.

This bib is by 3F. Always have one white thing in your wardrobe in case you have to go to the Hampton’s/make people think you are from there. I will settle for a teeny dilapidated cottage on Toronto Island. Or a raft floating in Lake Ontario tied to a dock at Sunnyside. See how we lower our standards as we get older kids don’t do that. Just kidding “I am living the dream” in the big city so I’ll go eat my cheese and whine elsewhere.

My ass was kind of extremely obscene on King street and these pants are so tight they rearrange my internal organs and I get cramps like what am I on my period again?? But anyway, BUTT anyway, my ass is not this flat it’s the pants and even if it were this flat it’s still pretty boss, bro. I am body proud for the parts of my body that are still perky. I might luck out with an ageless body. Might look cool on the outside but the inside is full of pizza and bad decisions. I am taking the dog for a run today and my bike to the bike store and then I’ll do some weights. If you were wondering my exercise routine for looking this blammin’ it’s every other day plus Raymi dance aerobics.

I only wore this shirt for the video and pics, once it gets a stain on it I. will. just. die.

Also on my stress plate is doing stand up again. I have a professional comedian guy helping me, actually a few but what I am holding back from telling them is I am not a pro, yet, at all. So I am going to base my act around that, make fun of blogging and just generally be an ANGRY WHITE WOMAN. Yeah?

Be-cause, that is essentially what I am right? Or should I play up the sad portion more? Lots of guy comics do that too and pretty much every single comic since forever suffers from massive depression that we hide in jokes and stories and zany antics.

SO I am going to go out on the town tonight to get inspired aka drunk aka that’s how you start writing comedy by standing around a bar with your friends and make fun of everyone and thing maybe get in a fight then go home and go through the coverage on your phone or camera, texts from people from the night before, stories, tweets oh god WHAT HAVE I FUCKING DONE??? relax bro you were “working”. Oh right. Totally.

Then tomorrow night I have another mission to accomplish that I probably should not mention but whatever this is my lot care I choose to accept it. Did I say that wrong? Good.

I got the bib waterfall shirts all in xs. See how you have to be cautious when you do the hidey billowy maternity A-line is it a shirt? Is is a dress? thing? They ARE teeny tiny and the thing I like about this brand is that the sizes are a bit bigger than say what AA would do with their stuff, the sizes are actually smaller, more petite so when you’re not small enough to rock ‘em you want to commit suicide because you’re an unfit blob. We’ve all been there.

I have major body dysmorphia. Lois texts me when she’s out shopping (such a sweetheart!) and sends photos and asks my size and I always say bigger than what I am because I still have that mentality and I seldom shop for bottoms because I don’t like being disappointed and I find in life you can limit disappointment by inaction. I am writing my own religion for depressives. Anyway, the moral of the story is even IF you think you’re bigger always get smaller because 1. it will give and 2. you will look smaller. When I was chubs a couple summers ago I would torture myself biking to the gym across town in a bikini to to punish myself for being fat. I got tanned and I got tinier this way. I made the city of Toronto look at me and I didn’t care because I was gunning so fast I was already gone by the time anything could sink in. But now it seems the opposite. When actually skinnier, but feeling fat, you pile on layers to hide from the world. Ugh girls are so fucked up thanks magazines and men!

FTS It’s Wednesday and sunny! :)