so i got my kidney thing ultrasound done today. the nurse was kind of a bitch to me, like, roll over this way, breathe in, don’t breathe, breathe now, i said don’t breathe, put your arm up..da da da…i could tell maybe that what she found wasn’t too good kuz she all of a sudden started making phoney small talk with me for no reason. i have to wait a week for the results. p’shhhh. and then i had a blood test. i’m telling the nurse i have very tiny veins and i’m very sensitive to pain and she’s feeling around my arms and shit and i’m all be careful please and then STAB STAB STAB into the vein she goes. so fucking painful. these nurses, i tell you…

oh and i sing in my dad’s beatles band now. how funny is that. and i’m taking vocal lessons too. my dad is all hyper-focused on this shit. he’s a total beatleNazi. i swear. i’ll let u know when we have a gig so u can come laugh at me.

she is the rain

all i ever do is think about how i feel, and all i ever feel is terrible

i lose everything

i am told that if you resist the natural urge to come to the surface for air, drowning is the least painful method of death that there is

in the meantime, i could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if i were dead

i don’t know if i’m running because i’m scared or if i’m scared because i’m running

be careful of your heart

by then, i was a perfect weirdo by any standard

ice cubes and icebergs and ice floes and ice statues, where a girl use to be

i wanted so very badly to write a book that felt as bad as it feels to feel this bad

Depression is a very narcissistic thing, it’s a self-involvement that is so deep and intense that it means the sufferer cannot get out of her own head long enough to see what real good, what genuine loveliness, there is in the world around her

a child who has gone blank

high on tequila and seeing visions of vineyards in my dreams

here is something i wrote many many moons ago –

Coke poem

Feeling pretty useless.

I have already typed too much.

I will come back to this in a bit.

K bye.

the other nite i must’ve had some crazy ass dreams or maybe was assaulted in my sleep, i dunno, kuz when i woke finally about 5 in the afternoon, all the fucking blankets and sheets and pillows were waaay messed up, all over the place, on the floor, everywhere, and i was just lying on the bare mattress. what the eff!? so whitetrash. so hot.

i’ve been eating a lot lately. but at my dad’s place there’s not much to eat except for random things that you can’t really make much out of, so you have to be creative. like mayonaise on scrambled eggs with fancy salad dressing with cheese and toast. ok that’s not too crazy, but fuck, there’s only so many eggs you can eat and so many ways to eat them before you start messing around with spices and such. whatever.

i think i’m going to buy the professional soon. fucking right.

went for jap food last nite. the chicken teriyaki sucked. it was like they went out and found the crappiest chicken they could find and served it to us.

survivor is on tonite. my reason for living.

i have to go take my crazy pills. i’ll let you know about my kidney-cyst fiasco soonish. and maybe i’ll write more later. if something exciting happens.

i haven’t been in any car accidents yet. fingers crossed. heh.

i’m too fat to make this picture smaller.

survivor was awesome last nite. what a fuckin diss when the host guy was all yah if you don’t hear from us at all that means you came in last place. hah!

i hope everyone has a good valentine’s day. or a shitty one. whatever.

i’ll probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, making it with a bottle of stoli.

i have a cyst-thing on my left kidney that i have to get checked out again. maybe my kidney is mutating into another kidney so then i’ll have like three kidneys. or maybe it’s cancer. i dunno.

so i think i’m going to try out for canadian idol. everyone i’ve told this to is like, are u serious? you sing so flat. don’t do it. don’t even bother. you’re going to look so stupid.

thanks guys. your positive support is just lovely.

i have a four-hundred and eleven dollar and ninety-five cent cell fone bill. this makes me so happy.

i want to nuzzle your muzzle.

i have lots of money and i lay around all day in other people’s swimming pools and i wear palm tree sunglasses and a hot pink bikini and drink mai tai’s on a blue floaty raft-thing and that’s what i do because that’s what rich boring people do, right? in la? or something./ anyway i am bored of typing already. so bye. LOSERS.