It’s better to fuck old men becuz

when you fart your younger boyfriend will fart right back on you but the older guy is all Oooooooooh that’s cute.

you don’t have to worry about how dumpy your ass is cause their ass is bound to drop way before yours will

you have to count your dollars along with a young fella but the older dude is like, “Sure, you can spend one hundred dollars on lip balm. i don’t care.”

with age, their sexual appetite turns to kink which can be fun if yer a spazz and want to jump all over the place and they just sit there and are all wow.

otherwise, with age they’re all lazy and pleased with any half-assed pass you make which is a good thing if they’re real old and gross looking and then you can spend the rest of the time lying there naked and drunk and talk about candy.

you can convince them that their clothes suck and get them to wear something an eighteen year old would and you get them saying chill, shut up bitch and wha’gwan.

it’s funny when they get super-possessive over you and try to map out your future and give you helpful tips that would only come in handy 25 years ago. you automatically have the upper-hand and the fact that all their friendz are super-jellus of his hot little number boosts the guy’s ego which you benefit from, yet again.

you can trod around the place wearing out-dated, ugly clothes because they don’t know the difference between what’s cool and what’s not.

they sometimes fuck you like yer a virgin and assume they’re your third lay. hahaaaahahahhahhaaaaa

they always come back for more………

i finished my exams early but i still had to sit around and wait. i wrote my name on the piece of skin between the two balls of my navel Barbell thing. i fashioned a hat from various pieces of those long, fullscap papers and pretended to be dead to make my friend beside me laugh. i accidentally flung my pen across the room three times and i tore apart a borrowed eraser.

my mum came into the shoppe and was filling me in on sum gossip about sum old frendz of the fam,

“Victoria has been dating a black guy for TWO years.”


“Yes, Black. and her mum sez, not only is he black, but he is B L A C K!!! and she’s like real ivory u know. Victoria gets really upset whenever someone sez something about it.”

“uh huh. no shit, i’d be.”

Then my mum gasps and turns beet-red cuz this black dude is in the plumbing aisle three feet behind us and obviously heard every word. ffuk. So, in the hopes of trying to remove the foot frum our mouths, i say,

“oh, THAT guy, they’ve probilly been frendz since kindergarden!”

but my mum goes,

“Uhhm like, i don’t think so RayMi!”

with an obvious this-black-boy-is-the-devil-no-matter-what tone of voice.

forgive her, there were no black people in her highskooL

Classic drunk/stoned-person talk

No RaaaaayMi i LuuuuuuuuuuuuuRve YOO

i just realised that i like the sound of the tap dripping like you know when you turn it off but not all the way and so like there is a constant drip drip drip dripity drip sound and i figger that it is kinda sorta comforting and when the noise stops it is abrupt and i wish that it wouldn’t stop and that it would be wicked if it could keep dripping all nite long without it making the water bill so high, you know what i mean?

Lets be best FreNdz forever, oKay!? promise me you will never ever forget me and even though you say this now You MUST promise me that you meeeeeAn it cuz we say this rite now but we never mean it, we always end up not talking for a long long time

i think i’m a hermit/anti-social because…..

i sit in front of the tv for hours on end. i sit in front of this computer for hours on end. my idea of a great evening includes beer and television with my neighbor’s dog, Chablis. i avoid going out so i can indulge in all of the above. i go tanning and/or work-out on my fourth lunch break so i never bump into people, the only social part of my day is third lunch break with a few people and lately we’ve made it so we don’t have to sit with others. i clam-up when someone approaches me when i’m out having a butt. i can only handle people when i’m feeling obnoxious, argumentative or i’m wasted. At work i’m fine, cuz each social interaction only lasts 3 minutes and i can easily pass the customer off to sumwun else. I’m fine when it’s one-on-one and i’m in a talking mood or the other party doesn’t mind a lapse in conversation. i make random shock appeal-like statements, causing the receiver to shuuuut up or be offended and i tell long horrible jokes with irrelevent punchlines.

perhaps i’ve too much on my mind these days, dunno.

i mixed ten hundred gallons of paint today for these two stupid fat ladies and their fat Kid. it is so exasperating to deal with bitter fat lady duos, they don’t know what they want, they ask you ten hundred questions, they think they are rite and every answer you give them is wrong or an out-rite lie and then they ask a guy passing by the same question, he in-turn gives the same answer you previously gave and they believe him over you, they spend 45 minutes to make a 3 minute decision and they allow their fat kid to tear up displays, knock shit down, slobber, scream and demand attention whilst yer trying to concentrate on measuring dye pigment. they also lean on an end aisle to support their fat body, their breathing is labored and they ask to use your lavatory.


fat people suck.

I was walking to the busStop from my house this morning, tired-as-ffuk (up until 5 am writing an essay) and this car full of catholic hi-skool kids drive past. One dude from the backseat calls out to me,

you look funny!

i look down at what i’m wearing – i appear to look normal, i suppose. I guess compared to how ordinary they look in their uniforms and personality-free, i mite look freakish with my short hair and fuzzy hooded vest.. I wanted to run after their car and scream obsenities after ‘em, but bothered-not.