lets have the time of your life


ok here is what i got up to today this precious of days what will one day likely culminate into some kind of national holiday. what the hell is one supposed to do on their birthday anyway? what if every day it’s like your birthday already? extra greedy makes me feel extra crazy you know. i felt guilty all day though that might have been the hangover of feeling like i fell out of a plane this morning. i slept in til it felt right, late ten thirtyish.


looked a bit of a ghoul. i will perfect a method of face statue sleeping some day. once in a blue moon i awake with my makeup pristine still from the night before, one time recently at the motion room i was hungover like you would not believe and james was like, you look great minx. i couldn’t believe it. what luck. i hope that happens to me again tomorrow cos i have my friday work out in the morning. can you die on april fools day doing jumping jacks the day after your jinxed birthday of all birthdays where you will drink the bar? yes definitely probably likely because the headlines would just be too good to not die tomorrow. fool dies on april fools day not april fools day joke. ok no more death jokes. today at least.


ok from the top now. ahhh, remember back when i was twenty seven? ahh those were the days. like, two days ago.


and then my second last night of not being a geezer was spent in a most awesome way with 3/5 of the park dale boys club. i can’t do math nor can i keep track of who is in my stupid imaginary neighbourhood club, i think a couple boys have disbanded because i wouldn’t sleep with them.


pre-hair pre-nails pre-dranks (mid-way actually).


note how my hair tone kept all month long. stellar shit guy.


the outfit that almost happened.


anyone who can look this good from below you know is a ten. blue eyed silver fox met me here last month and was evidently threatened by brennen which is silly cos brennen is a kitty cat. he asked about him and i was like haha that guy is so nexted. hope he comes out tonight. ughhhh i just got cramps. let the bitchy begin.


hair cheater was beside me during all this soaking it all in.



look at my little head heehehehehhee. oh melodie is here reading a thank you card i made her.









i walked to shaw and called courtney. she was right beside me on the other side on queen i waved frantically all around me like your stupid mother and she just watched secretly. then we went on a bender and you know the rest.




teacher had a hamburger at the beac i had the carpaccio again. courtney had wine. we had eaten at beaver before and the service was bad and so was the food sorry but you dropped the ball. also the gladstone did too very uneager to sit and serve us. wednesday night i think all restos have their shit staff on shift. makes sense and therefore do not go out to dine on wednesday nights. courtney already had a fight with the drake on the internet so we couldn’t go there on principle. what got me is, no offense, but courtney is NOBODY haha, and they made amends with her. drake has given me a bit of badness before and i have received no love. my friend(s) work there too so like, what the dilly? anyway we went to the beac and i had salad number two. i think i have to start eating at home.


i was amazed at the disappearance of my clothing from my bed so i took this shitty picture.



same age almost same birth date girls on a tear.



skinny ankle twins.





rippin through these cinderella is going to be late for the ball.








ahh reborn. great pilsner. thanks jeremy.


alone in a cave. birthday cave. cavelor.


sabred champagne corks in that goblet.


with this. so camelot barbarian.


i think i kiss like i kill. or like i’d kill. hot right? watch out.


for britt.


for melucas.

ok RLW I out buh bye txt me if you wanna know where the party’s at.

thanks everyone for the birthday love, truly truly i am touched.

blushing blogger extraordinaire.

tonight’s forecast: high chance of sentimental teary speech


and a skinny red dress ok i know what i’m wearing. maybe i’ll buy some new socks where in parkdale can i do that?


or tights. anyway off to my first hangover drink of the day, not bad, laterish start. i think birthdays are people’s personal st. patrick’s day, and christmases. i tidied up the tickle trunk yesterday somehow magically while hosting courtney in my room my clothing pile was so huge when i started then it disappeared so when i go there later in a bit maybe i’ll try to lie down in my bed for once for a disco nap. i’m so not a napper though. i kind of want to buy little thank you trinkets for everybody tonight just try and stop me.

hope to see whoever is coming tonight we have two cakes. did i say that already? my colleague is being a pill and not sending me photos of them to pre-brag it’s my birthday dammit.

over and out. i’ll finish the rest of my eyes (makeup) later before dinner so if you see a person without facial features walking around telling flowers and hydrants it’s their birthday today, that would be me. i’m going to visit every shop i love and see what free shit i can get today. already have a pint and shot (i’ll skip the shot) and a snack on the house waiting for me, guess where. no don’t i am too stupid to hold a conversation with anything outside of a houseplant right now. talk to me after i swim around a frosty golden lap pool a few gulps. should i write for breweries?


now you labour every day love life drifts away


good morning, well, afternoon to everybody else with hints of normalcy in their lives. here i am hung at 28. it’s sinking in, i haven’t had much (TONS) time to reflect but i think i’m good with it. established last night with courtney that it’s ok to be 28 because you’re stiiiiiill clinging on to youth but totally over the mature girl threshold. things start to matter. i am tired of how tiring i am to everyone about everything and i apologize for all of this, i mean it. why do i have to make a big production out of everything? why not for one but also, i see how it stresses everyone out around me and i feel like a disgusting human being for it however like in mean girls, it’s better to be involved and suffering than to be outside the sparkly pink raymi tornado of things, yes? i’m relieved to learn that a lot of people share a birthday just before and after mine so next year we can get a circus tent and no one gets to leave until they’ve reached black out. i am already planning next year’s fete and i was just apologizing for all my excessivities. learning is for students.


pink world is growing. i said to courtney and teacher that i actually felt, i forget the words, annoyed maybe, by myself and they were shocked in a facetious way. i think people feel all sorts of crazy around their brithdays so i’m just going with it, one second i am like BRING IT while another, oh noes and now if i die it won’t be significant enough cos it won’t make the 27th jinxed year curse but hello, how is dying at all significant anyway i’m not special enough to die yet.


or i’m too special to die either way i’m destined to be tortured on this blue earth for lots longer yet now i have to join arms with the yuppielite safety generation and start wearing elbow pads and eating muslix and vitamins buh-oring but live forever vital.


ok enough with the heavy shit. i went and got minxed yesterday after my hair appointment, i was late for both. no more being late now that i am 28. lots of rhyming things with twenty eight too. fate great mate plate chate date satiate (ooh fancy) and so on. yesterday was a skinny big mac day so i got to dress like a slob. the slobbier i dress the more arrogant i am in the head you can and should apply this to other girls for fun to see if i am right. i also went out with warlock party statue from the night before face, not at all hot shoulda seen me with the hair dye in out on the street like david bowie labyrinth rock of love disaster.


we got retarded in the tickle trunk last night so i could only bear to deal with a minimal amount of photos, i have a huge backlog too, and now i’m at the tower and my laptop is in my room therefore you get blasted with blackberry phone it in shots.


love these metallics, minx was especially keen on me going metallic even though i wanted the pink plaid. which i will get next time. the blue really brings out every single hand flaw (engorged veins) and whiteness overall so if you’re going to do anything blue/metallic your hands better be pretty.


gah what do i wear tonight? do i buy a new dress? too hung for that? and too hungretarded to build a new outfit and i don’t know where we’re going so please tell me precisely what to do. it’s your duty as a canadian citizen to assist your internet darling for her birthday journey, pretend it’s war time (isn’t it always anyway?). haha i just had a flashback of looking up at darius as the giant twin tower that he is the other night saying raymi, you are not only the biggest in canada i think more like all of north america. did that happen and isn’t that redundant too? picture two cavemen in my head taking turns banging rocks together to try and start a fire right now because that is what is happening with me and trying to make thoughts happen.


this is when brennen was like ok get the fuck out of here you’re late. he had to get to fashion week too. that guy is massive i am lucky he does my hair. he put collagen in it this new serum from loreal which in hair world is a big deal, my hair is softer than feathers right now i’ll post photos of the syringe and bottle it was very mad scientisty.


some loser on blogto left a hater comment beneath a feature on brennen saying if they blogged about it would he bleach their roots for free too? haha fuck off fuckhole, no. you are a nobody with zero influence and if you blogged, no one would read it because of the former thing we just talked about, you’re a tree falling in the woods and not only is no one around to hear you falling, they’re all busy furiously beating off to me over here. also, its more than bleaching, he tones my entire head and it lasts all the way to the next roots dying/growing.


ha ha woah brennen you look like harry and the hendersons today amazing look. brennen gave me some wicked advice about men and love life and all of my stupid bullshit, he is like a guide, guru. every big leaguer i have ever met always comes with a gauntlet of sage wisdom and all of it is correct, always. these are the people you listen to. anyway, one of bren’s other clients came in and immediately said she had cheated on him with another dresser because she couldn’t afford him. girls know all about that. i sat there smugly, well, more crazily reacting to my hair being rinsed, i have very sensitive scalp and when water goes over the back of my head it tickles. so i have no make up on, crazy tired face and no eyebrows, my hair is in a wrap, salon cheater has no idea what’s going to come out of that. earlier i said don’t look at me now because i promise later i will be a butterfly.


he gave her a great fringe, she was transformed. i was like are you sure you want to be the bangs of spring/summer time of your life? she was like yes, holding on to the cover with nicole richie’s new hair on it. the point of this story is no matter how amazing her hair was, when she saw mine blown out she was stunned and said i WANT to be blond too. this hair IS magical. really is. before i could tell she was a bit annoyed by me talking and spazzing out in the sink beside her, she was kind of type a, anyway i knew her kind and once she saw princess head she submitted. thank you for that brennen. i looked at her and was like this is going to be a lot longer someday maybe, in a year, long barbarella cascading curls and THEN, watch the fuck out. she was impressed, agreeable and nodded. she looked super hot too that was a mega necessary transformation, half feist half jennifer connolly.


before that, not my best work or look or angle or anything but, i looked like this androgynous male model. we have the same features, dark eye/brow penetrating present excellence (do not steal that) my brother too, matching mole.


im going to text it to my brother and say it’s both of us.


we wear our scarves the same way and i think the same scarf, eerily similar from what my grey scale vision skills tell me. by the way is there such a thing as selective seeing? like selective hearing? i think so.


you think you know me? which one did i read and the only one. i chose them all from the huge stack though so kind of riddle within a stupid riddle.


i need finger bling. i called courtney’s rings, first necklaces (i think i had a brain stroke) and then i called them bracelets. finger bracelets. bracelets for your fingers. guh my brain is exhausted right now you should have seen me try to type the word eerily up there, took several attempts. disaster. courtney says she is wrecked too. thanks PBC. her bday was sunday. we are the same age. i love her. she has hugging issues, she said i clang (clung? ha) to her in bed a couple months ago talking til 5 in the morning. i only did it to tenderize her a little she is too frigid but at least she doesn’t hug herself in photos anymore or cross her arms as much. rayminfluence is working.


rayminfluence could easily be a class. no wait i think you are already in that class. have you become more stupid or more enlightened since reading my blog?


oh nice someone rode their bike to work can’t wait to start doing that again.


oh yes next time i’m getting pinky metallics or something. kathy said minx needs to design a custom raymi decal and i agree and will keep repeating it until that happens. it’s that or noble peace prize. which one am i closer to?

aaand publish it’s motrin time.


Dear Lauren,

You inspire me! I read about your workouts, you following your dreams, I see photographs of the art you make– and all these things you do keep me motivated to do the same things!! You often mention the negative criticism you receive from your blog, but I am here to tell you that there are many positives that result from your blog as well, so please remember this.

I wish you a very happy birthday, and may you have many, many more happy, healthy, successful years ahead of you!!


28’s kinda hot

happy birthday to me.














im gonna suture up my future

penny lane on premises you ready for this? to a certain few in the neighbourhoods of giving a shit and caring, your hero killed last night. it’s no more, no longer (obviously because the night is now over) however just let me build the story ok? first of all, i looked like this.


i went out as softcore bunny groupie bait knowing NO ONE would be dressed like me. i pay homage to some secret groupie muses god may they rest in peace (no they’re not dead but their band wife lives are) and tis i now who carries the torch just a bit longer.


earlier in the day i went to muchmusic for an audition.


i don’t really know what protocol is for talking about parts before you’ve got them or just in general there seems to be a bit of a hush on pre-tv stuff but anyway, i had to dress like a bombshell superhero. barbarella-esque. i went literal with it.


i read well i think, i went cate blanchett in lord of the rings. concerned and urgent.


this room has housed many famous people over decades it felt funny being in there. i belong in there.


full outfit. i read sitting down into the camera and not from the ponytail showcase side of my head that i wanted so i don’t feel very confidant about how i did because i am disgustingly vain and precise. a waaaay older chick went before me so who knows.


pepsi throwback. i bet this will work. in me regurgitating it here too. shit. made dinner for teacher PBC and luc and off we went to get our pre-drank on in the tickletrunk.


it took AWHILE to figure out what to wear. laundry mountain has multiplied into appalachians. no that’s not right, what’s a cluster of mountains, alps? who cares my room was crazy trashed but we had hours to decide.


my attention span just wavered i have no time to get this done before it’s hair and nails did appointments, back to back.


this photo sucks. started in vip. it got better and better though up in the risers but erik said he gave last pass off to DFA guys. fuh-ine. then he came up with more and i’m like DARIUS NOW MOVE and i can’t believe it he actually points to his can of beer and goes get me another one please thanks! i’m like DUDE and punch him in the leg through the bleachers and erik goes it’s NOW or never. darius you retard. then he got what was going on i tell you in penny lane world shit happens fast apparently the adrenaline is absurd throw drugs and booze on top of that, testosterone atmosphere to the soundtrack of something rock and roll legendarily epic, yeah, move your fucking as NOW dude.


photos get better.


starstruckery. this man is huge like william wallace lore and the stage was kind of vaudevillian it was breathtaking.


the fans, fanatical. for the most part well behaved pushing shoving crowd surfing mosh pit. it was great to watch. from atop and afar.


great lighting as usual good job sound academy. ps. if anyone wants to go to thin lizzy tonight i can put you on guest list as well as method man tomorrow if you’re too gangster to hang with me on my birthday.


we got polluted.


then we turned into the movie the abyss for a little while? it would be funny if those were actually binoculars. it’s entirely possible as i’m fucking blind as shit now. pissed blind. i am formulating a new term.


so many man boners in the room quivering for him, man crushes. darius was actually jealous of me and said man if I was a girl.. haha you know, rockers have zero interest in dudes unless they’re like jay z or oil tycoons, but me, yeah, this is where penny lane shines. also, now we’re on the business exec mezzanine god i love using all those words together.


the crowd was great and so adore queens of the stone age. ha almost forgot to even mention the act. it’s so intuitive my insanity i just assume you can read my thoughts now and just like, know.


i saw kris down in the pit waving up to me and then i was grooving at one point and he texted if i was ok i looked like i was going to puke i said wtf i’m backstage i am fine guy haha. snarky. i think a pre-rejected attempt to get a way up to where i was. couple other friends were jeals of my vantage point too but all in good fun they’re like raymi you are always up there when, what was the last show that happened at gill said she was watching me and FUMING but then i coulda grabbed her and offered too and she was like no it’s cool so i don’t really get it then.


someone else, a dude, asked how i got this magical hook up i said be a famous blogger person thing you know? all that bullshit and torment i’ve put up with, people hating me and making fun of me, gossiping etc well the thing you’re making fun of me for is the thing that gets me backstage to super cool coveted shit.


i danced as hot and as slutty as possible. which female animals in the wild do that to attract their mates? anyway i was that. there was one amazing moment, not lying, the spotlight blasted me for a minute i was illuminated and josh and the bassist watched me dancing and bobbing in my platinum (rocker bait) playboy bunny glory. i did all my understated supermoves and the bassist kept watching, and i watched him back and i fought through the shy. holy fuck it was a powerful gay moment i shouldn’t even share it here why am i mortified? maybe because that person, this person, isn’t me really but i want to be this person.

i just like it big. but anyway, i do fine i just get way too cerebral. i am having a late mid twenties break down. it’s fine, i’m FINE! hahaa.


i danced and danced and screamed in pbc’s ear stupid comments and demands to take pictures and danced some more and when the camera guy went away he asked me to watch it i was like no problem more room to dance that’s when my solo spotlight medusa performance happened.


darius took it in. i said, stand right there exactly there. we took turns rotating from this spot to the one in the corner nook, even closer.


is my face turning into a little swedish acorn? a little weird nut that doesn’t exist except now it does because it was just discovered, in a soft pink cotton candy forest? actually it would be a scandinavian acorn if anything because my aunt says there is some of that in our lineage.



it really was beautiful to see. my brother didn’t want to come, well he did but you know, i’m the city one in the family. maybe if i invite him on a rocketship to the moon he’ll be interested in that or maybe he’ll be busy that day too? hahaha.


best part and then i kept saying to everyone as my conversation starter, gesturing to this madness, “this is the best part.” what? THIS IS THE BEST PART! i’m going to get some new conversation starters. or just stop talking to people. lindsay was trying to talk to me at one point and i just went silent cos josh came up to us at the bar and i was like this is it, the moment is here, lindsay i’m sorry but i can’t talk to you right now. by the way, she and claire, look amazing. emma was there too.


they read my blog and are up to date on everything. i was shocked. my friends read my blog but never talk to me. i am so isolated and exposed. i should just live in a cage in a queen west store front for a month and blog there, date there.


i pointed out these cats ad said now they are so totally living the dream well they purport it much like i do with this blog and my life, they are rock and roll 24/7 incarnate. see how that guy is so severely holding on to the gate? he needs to meet josh hommes. that girl is an actual penny lane entourage. i am not that committed to rock and roll, each band is its own country and citizens have rank, kind of like how i heard how burning man invented mayors and retarded titles for authority needy hippies, where was i? oh i was drunk that’s right anyway this girl cockblocked my josh hommes chances and i heard another dude specifically say right into my face and josh’s hey, another (baby) on the way eh like stay away platinum predator so i was like fuuuuck and threw in the towel finally at that point so darius and i could drunk eat.


possible that darius cockblocked me too.


he said did you get your pictures of the aftermath trash i like those ones. see? someone FINALLY understands the importance of my work here and moreover, appreciates it.


my phone was starting to get wonky from so much use i was worried it would crap out before the big moment. me in a tour bus bunky. kidding.


i didn’t even go to the bathroom once. what a party champ.


holly madison puck bunny. all bases covered ladies. keep it simple at rock shows, understate yet be a bit glitzy.


clinger beside him is the same gate squeezer he would not leave him alone. i have no idea how anyone is actually connected this is just the reality i invented from what i observed because we all know i “do” “this”. i was staring at josh like i had staring problems until he was forced to look at me oh yes, i went psycho. but then when he looked into my swedish acorn (go with it) beaming welsh eyes he liked it. i gave a very excruciatingly subtle nod and didn’t break eye contact. i knew it was a losing battle. later when i was trying to get a picture i actually poked at his arm ten times and he just let me do that. i did it like you would your older brother. that’s when i became unsexy and just annoying then we left.


i knew he would give me a shot, here we are doing it. i interpret it as a i can’t do you but i would do you so here you go. darius has all kinds of theories over this moment hopefully he’ll leave them in the comments without omitting any detail. he said he was intrigued by us, me especially obvs and this is the part when i think darius cock blocked me. oh well. i tried as sneakily as i could.


i got my phone ready and lindsay took this. he was smoking a marlboro red. i told wendy to check my twitter and she said that i looked better than him omg. i was totally in lust while watching him play. i was totally shitfaced but i went like there is no divide between celebrity rock world and myself i am going in for the kill here i actually tried and i got pretty far i think. makes me realize that if i applied all this effort to more worthwhile pursuits like being donald trump instead of donald tramp i might have my own house in the palisades sometime soon if that reality existed, the reality of effort, like if i went to university instead of being a shithead. did i say i kept my shot glass? it was grey goose too. the bartender was like are you in the band to the leader of the band and he was SO humble about it i go, uh, he IS the band. she was a gina. she knew not what she did.

darius’ photos.



tonight is my last night of being 27. who wants to wine dine 69 me?

emma is the best. the drunker she gets the more i cannot at all understand what the fuck she is saying, strong manchester accent (please say it’s manchester)(or welsh?) anyway her hair is amazing and perfect and i accused her of being a perfectionist. she sails boats i mean, come the fuck on right? check this pic of us from the week before i cut all my hair off.

that’s a recipe for a hilarious sitcom right there right?


last night was great! ok gotta run bye bye!

With lovers and friends I still can recall some are dead and some are living In my life I’ve loved them all


yesterday was monday right? wow cool. ok so we went to milagro, originally i wanted to go to squirrley’s (how DO you spell that place’s fucking name???) cos i have to do my healthy salad eating tour of toronto right now (i have a circuit) and they have this huge seven grain salad that’s wicked healthy and delicious on their menu but then i caught milagro whispers (i want to say milagra’n) in the air and they succeeded, it’s near, it’s nicer lets do it.


how die antwood am i right now. my hair is doing three different things.


my secret vision was the lime as prop. i am sinister, machiavellian. how many times a week do i say machiavellian? not as much as i say the word animal in reference to myself.


we had the tequila trio, the second highest not the cheapest not best. pics of everything are on my camera and i am at the tower right now without my own laptop or camera cord. i am also using a mac. your hero is severely gifted you know that? using a mac as a pc user is like blogging through quicksand, what’s right click? mac is very arrogant in (every) terms of assuming the consumer just knows how to copy and paste. i used a mac at the women’s magazine i interned at as well as at vice, it just takes a week to get back into it however when you’re supremely stubborn like me and busy with the patience of a gnat, the learning curve window opening is just but a crack. as well, no mouse and a mac oh please forget about it we aren’t going anywhere for at least four hours while i get through my obsessive compulsive daily computer routines thanks to you and your mac (though i am grateful for the generosity thanks i swear heeheeh).


these were good. i asked for insane asylum habanero sauce of course. i was drunk immediately off the tequila, when your drinks come before your food, as they always do, and your diet for the day consisted of multiple coffees and teas, water, you’re in a for a gassing. that’s what abigail called being wasted, gassed. love and miss her, just texted her. she is awesome cos her haircut is a silver grey version of mine and she’s 25. well maybe now she is 26 hopefully. these are beef tenderloin i think.


track star nerd. i kind of look like a catch eh. lucas is going to have to fight this jersey back off me good luck budday. birthday week rules don’t break the law.


track and field from hell coach girl. zombo eyes. eastern euro cavernous world weary livin peepers. i think they call it being seasoned, or maybe, being born as a 70 year old euro alcy. but no seriously here i am without makeup on i am kind of ok looking and scary at the same time which equals hot like a weirdo they’d hire at american apparel.


you have no idea how much these appeal to me they were like lobster claws after awhile i ate them with my hands, so anchovy and i didn’t have to share cos teacher has a thing about seafood. i was just going to allow a new foot fetishist freak (yes another) take me to epic (royal york hotel) to have their caesar salad (i told you i have to do my salad circuit because i am excessive and i crave variety and if i am going to be good and eat salads they had better be delicious) for dinner sometime soon, but now that i know milagro has one just as good and cheaper, closer, i will be making plenty of salad pit stops here. i’ll still go to epic though with that freak. teacher is fine (doesn’t have a choice) with me dating. he said i am the hottest girl he’s had.


what can i say, i am in my prime. this is my last gasp GASP mid-late-twenties breakdown. wendy told me it gets better at 30 though so we’ll see. maybe i will have to put babies on hold til i’m 32 then. i don’t know if my energy levels could handle four more years of living like a high end headbanger. maybe if i ended up with a musician i could be a professional wife groupie ok i better be on my a-game tonight. look i found a russell banks book in the office library that i haven’t read yet wasn’t i just talking about him the other day here see how that happens?


melodie bought me this tea for my liver kidney functions and to help things happen, good things i guess i have all kinds of psychosomatic issues, real and imagined, stomach bloating for one and excessive urge to consume any and everything in sight.


my torso yesterday kinda juice-ay. my nana would say bonnie. i’d say playboy.


princess laundry never ends. i will get blog slave to finish folding it sometime this week. you hear me?


loved lovin this hoodie and all the wicked stupid musings i was making.


did i miss my model calling? don’t you have to be 14-20? does it matter? my legs are really gangly right now if you recall the photos of me on the fitness trapeze, those legs, this face i’m thinking 1-900 number commercials joookingk hilnur yo relax.


we watched that jake gyllylylynhal and anne hathaway movie and we drew a billion parallels betwixt it and ourselves then were like OK lets turn it off. she smokes weed like a fiend, is a mentalcase artist in an ecclectic messy apartment he is addicted to, she has commitment issues, amazing sex demon bitch yah uh too real.


everyone’s waving at you hi! i have an audition later on today i am not stressed about for once and then queens of the stoneage tonight. taking one of the parkdale boys club. it is going to be amazing. what should we wear?

here’s teacher’s shots of me.


here i am called cutie pie dream girl. is that good? i just made it up now. wow it’s like i’m self obsessed or something or just using what i’ve got to make it in this city GOD.


nakes face. fuck i belong on a spicy mediterranean beach.


i am driving the teacher mad. guys will put up with anything for a hot chick. i learned and witnessed this the other night i won’t say when but it was amusing and made me reconsider, well, everything.


the girl mantle is growing.


stomach blob here comes premenstrual birthday collision. thanks for that.


hey lets go for a run. catch me if you can mawfuh–er(s). no makeup no eyes, i am mesmerized by my face i paint it into a goth mask everyday so i seldom see it. this is what i look like. brilliant. a plus.


i told the story of nikola when i was an online maven. to be continued…

walk the river like a hunted animal


oh hey there library time already? doot dee doo.


got this off lucas cos i whined and said BIRTHDAY WEEK! so wearing it to queens of the stoneage tomorrow. i still haven’t decided on who my date is yet. if my brother pusses out (so will) then it’s operation find someone worthy. try outs starting now. vip all access drank tickets. you need to have wheels.


this is my rasta garth algar gwen stefani look now with a bit of run dmc.



i don’t have “my eyes on” yet so i’m going specs here.


lucas dust the medicine cabinet please. i’m making him clean the office beside my room for birthday week. melodie is like GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. don’t let us down dude.



yikes too much scary lips like orange county housewife beast.


i look like i’m gonna do some serious jumping jacks or bully the shit out of you like you totally deserve.


my hair is very big right now my room, humid and started to make it air dry in a crispy curly way. my hair totally is candy floss. what munchkin pie dreams are made of. darling sweetheart hair.

what am i doing here. what am i NOT doing here is the question.

i said an empowering thing at the dinner table yesterday, the guys were going gross talking about women sexually and there was myself, a twenty year old and a twenty five year old. i said sternly, and, by the way, women love it when you talk like that. my table date was like wow you snapped at me. i gulped down my wine, brave and brazenly snapped at him again. yeah. DEAL with it. i could tell that these chicks maybe never went toe to toe with the older dudes about that piggish kind of talk and didn’t realize that maybe they should care and take a stand? it was kind of a feministing no one asked for.


what is this girl trying to prove? who is she trying to fool? i just got a flashback of a photo of me at 21 somewhat like this, with black hair, standing outside the three judges RIP and smoking a cigarette. i’ll find it. a younger boy took it, he was an idealist. i tried to crush his dreams cos he was so naive. i wanted him to be set straight. he was moony for me. he was one of my jealousy traps. the first of.



you can see my lip hole divot. cute imperfection.


i look like a scary annoying bitch here.

Ok i’m starved it’s yum yum time.

HERE IS THE FACEBOOK EVENT for adventurehouse party this friday.

old man look at my life i’m a lot like you were


oh monday you cruel mistress. here we go again. againemy. i just made that up because my brain is made of mush now and i make up words because they are my imaginary friends. i am basically dr. seuss. how much acid did he do? i’ve never done acid and i never will. no need! ps. don’t you love me in this photo? i do. look at it bigger. this is the face i make when you’ve said something tactless and hurtful and i’m allowing it to sink in how much of an asshole you are. worked on the blue eyed silver fox like a charm, over mussels he saw the mouth pout purse and felt like a twat. i don’t know why but i toy with people a little bit, make them think i feel bad when i don’t, transfer feelings around like a sociopath a little, i’m really upset about something secret that i am hiding, what you did was very minimally shitty to me but i will let you think it was apocalyptic maybe if i am bored. i have high standards and if you fail my little tests then everything changes. i am actually way worse than seinfeld costanza larry david woody allen martha stewart and other neurotics. remember the polak i was kind of dating? he said something about online modeling and then it was over so fucking over.


i ate a lot of things yesterday. this is not from yesterday though, it was dinner with the teacher at gladstone. the slaw and the pate, the pate was a bad call we sent it back for the black bean dip. there was nothing wrong with it at all it was just too rich for how hung and teenily appetited we were. please remind me to make my own slaw.


not one non-blurry photo taken in le tickletrunk, and then the clear ones i look like a psycho so here is pictorial evidence of a brief room party. i bought all these juices, carrot (barf) aloe (yum) pineapple coconut (YUM) and ruby red grapefruit (sharp!) and i bought a bottle of stoli, soda why am i listing this it’s so pedantic. i bailed on the juno party at wrong bar, how was it? i bailed all over the place this weekend. black out on responsibilities not compromising MY LAST WEEK OF 27 i promise this will all go away really soon hopefully. what should i wear on my birthday? i’m feeling something akin to strawberry shortcake. can all the girls dress up too? i promise i will not go as insane as my ten year blog anniversary party which essentially already was a birthday extravaganza bonanza.

lets pretend that i do and just go back in time to take that in again. AGAINEMY. i need more hair diamonds that harajuku clip died. buy me some. write a list of things i want thank you.

holy blond kardashian nightmare, redd did an amazing job on my hair.

oh my god what a total bridezilla party monster. i think when i get married one day if i’m still doing the living publicly on display thing, i will have to get married in a straight jacket just for safety. with champagne intravenous sewn into the lining. i’m surprised they don’t already exist. they’re already white and all brides go bonkers.

bro and i commiserating. lots of dysfunctional hilarious family shit went down this evening. no telling family secrets though too bad for you.

four costume changes.

and a wardrobe malfunction. someone slammed into me and that entire wine glass dumped all over the front of this jem and the hollagrams dress ugh it’s a $600 dress on loan lucky i got away with it. my rib cage is hugely wide. i didn’t get to wear this one for very long oh well.

so yeah i have to go less than this but, just as glitzy. suggestions recommendations, donations, by all means… ok back to the present.


that one shoe is talking to my doc.


looks like a commie coat station. i did want to nickname this place the outpost. that choice was veto’d.


and that would be the passbook. commie guidebook of rules, life lessons to live by and overall code of ethics of raymbo army.


this is my journal from 2000, a period before england and then my walking around journal in england, notes to later expand upon in full. my class was just about writing, writer’s craft. i got to just walk the fuck around zone one (way posh) and write about eating drinking fucking (at 17) and also kept a scrapbook. what a time. i’ll scan it one day, that’s noel’s dream to scan all my journals and print them in a huge coffeetable book.


couple great gems in here and cute tram link vouchers, receipts, pressed flowers and empty sucre packets from pretentious little cafes i went the full arty nose in a book dream girl. i read some of this aloud to teacher and was kind of shocked by how great my writing was. poems too! what a fag. i think it’ll be worth something one day. all my journals will, which is why i took careful precise care with them, everything written is intentional and deliberate so some rich collector one day will open it up to passage about sunshine penetrating my souuuuul. dark lurid creepy pained and pompous moments time capsuled, dated. passages by a muse.


i can have a chat and watch the tube from the john. very funny to a guy like me.


this morning i woke up not as depressed as how i woke up saturday morning. the secret to a bender is do it twice in a row i guess and get the fuck out of the house as fast as you can and by the way two things before i forget, this FRIDAY APRIL 1 is ADVENTUREHOUSE party at SALVADOR DARLING 1237 QUEEN ST W i will be there this time and i will be 28 years old. i will be severely hung getting severely sloshed or i will just be severely sloshed. we’ll see. hope to see you there. snp came to our first one, accidentally though (she didn’t know it was our night but i’m declaring it as counts), and she stayed. me and mel fan girled over her a bit in the back, mel was like did you get any pics of her? no unfortunately but anyway these parties are taking off now is the time to get swept up in the abyss.

the second thing was, the nickname of teacher’s townhouse is: the tower. so now you know.


getting ready for outside world.


whitening my teeth.


becoming it girl. i bought this shirt from salvation army in sauga (joyless shithole) and my mom was like hmm i dunno about that i said just watch and learn, trust me.


princess dirtbag extraordinaire. slap a collar on anything and you’re set.


sorry that all my tips are about being something you’re not. hey if you can be a dream cloud concept, do it. live the dream.




hair theme this weekend was disaster zone. roots appt wednesday. maybe i’ll get a purple stripe. brennen said pink will not work for some reason i forget why.


turning into a skinny lil thang i is. except then i ate everything in the universe yesterday but somehow magically was not a heffer today i was ready to be down right miserable but the diva gods are smiling down on me for fucking once just until i get up off my ass and assess the situation in the mirror, i fluctuate exponentially throughout the day and monitor everything. anyway my collar is popped. sometimes when you have to make fun of jocks you’ll (i’ll) accidentally say pollar is copped. anyway here i am owning the popped collar. it’s all about attitude, teacher gave me a tip unintentionally. an outfit can work if you work it but if you go sour times debbie downer then you have to take off that sparkly shit right now and go into dumpy wagon traveler woman outfit if you fail to bring it.


she matches me.


i only wish it were bigger.



my stomach is now washboardish and i am definitely flaunting it but it’s also wide and expansive with my layers and too tiny jacket so you’re forced to look at a weird big surface of skin because i am a dickhole and defiant. melodie was like, it looks like a shirt!


i go hard when i get my results because i have had to cover it up before or i dunno, hide my excessive lifestyle with drapey bullshit and high waisted shorts as spanx, you know all the doughy tricks.


i call it going beaver. like the place. i go there sloppy hot mess drunk with the family and i’m like guys I’M SHOWING MY BELLY YOU CAN’T STOP IT and they’re all shut the fuck up already lets go.


then i think about my stomach all night long.


great scarf timing.


i felt like i had too many colours going on. definite raymbo outfit.


my hair wasn’t all that bad though i know it’s time to clean it up when i can sculpt it into an edward scissorhands garden creation all on its own or when i take out the elastic it stays like michelle tanner (someone buy me the book those two made, what’s it called?)


eating destination one. yuuuuhm.


best hamburger painting ever, very meta too. i’d like to see it in a stuffy rich guy’s office instead and then stare at it psychotically while he talks numbers and i pretend like i know what i am doing and the next big thing. speaking of when is a venture capitalist going to get bored enough to take on a new hobby investment aka me? where are the dragon’s den people?


next time no burger, just choc rum shake. or burder and a stiegl. no onion rings either just too much food. i took the rest to go for melodie, but i scraped off all the flavour of my bison burger because i am a wild selfish greedy beast animal. so it was just here is a bison burger smooshed up to an onion ring that’s going soggy boy i love sharing.


i love all the art in there. hot knives painting that could easily fit in a children’s camping story book come on, give me that!


cutting it close to booze store closing time on a sunday on brock, this is the best place to be, they come in droves in all shapes and sizes i couldn’t take my eyes off the outside world.


pretty. spring is so beautiful. ahhhh.


hi dekel.


hi me.


mmm god yes. deciding factor in eating here. they have rum chocolate milkshakes and teacher’s like SOLD. then the music as we were leaving got fun (and the rum did its trick) we were instantly transported to the livingroom bender redux dance party of the night prior yet in stampede. i like how teacher dances, and that he dances.



what movie was this? so weird.





i liked the orange of his drink. is that the lemonade booze drink? maybe.


MUST see this before it’s over.


killed mine. efficient. that’s how i ate dinner too at the head of a table everyone was like woah do you want seconds? i already had seconds thanks.


we were going through my cute pictures and melodie got annoyed and said you should just change your facebook profile photo to a picture of onion rings. no way fuck that i said. hahaha. i get the concept behind it but the overall indie hipster bait i do not have the patience for at all. oh look she’s so hot but her fb photo is a pile of garbage on ossington SO OUT THERE i just know there is so much more to this woman, she is so deep and secure that she has onion rings for a face. nice try melodie.


probably the ugliest burger in the city.


you know what they say though, the uglier, the yummier.





it’s almost human, no ha i mean bison. i feel like it would communicate with me if it could and i think that i am going crazy. good night.

no wait, i found some blackberry pics.


last photo before eating.


expensive bag lady.


gorgeous dinner party room.


great food (more eating)(and a bit of seconds) lots of red wine, nice sunday feast.


huge bright vibrant aquarium to stare at and be mesmerized by.


rook brought this wine i loooved it was always put off by the label. not no more. buying a bottle tonight.


half the work is just in a name seriously if i was a sweet tooth could imbibe type just looking at MARSHMALLOW DREAM BAR would do me in. i’d be like well they have a point.


not bad considering the eating guilt. must be a skinny bitch this week. emphasis on the former or latter as you wish. i’m now in the strength phase of my works outs, so heavier weights, less reps. i like it.