bloviate, blog & breathe
Hi guys I’m back! What day is it, ohhhh it’s Monday. Cool cool ‘nother day in paradise coupled by heatwave which is supposedly breaking into a lightning thunderstorm later on to level out dat goddamn heat.
Oh my god ADD be strong let’s get through this, brain you can do it. Had to literally tell my bf don’t talk to me like I am here but I am not haha. Everyone in my family has ADD it has been a life-long possibility for me that I have largely ignored but I see it in all of us and it’s the British way not to scandalize or address but yeah, there it is.
I guess it’s obvious and present in every blog post that I write because you literally have no idea where this is gonna go nor do I and that’s fine I just take a deep breath and dive in. It’s a Kerouac thing not to humble-brag but I am related to that guy and you can kinda tell how mad I am and if you knew who he was I guess you can make a correlation. I have been in a love affair with writing since I was a kid and why did I stop, so many reasons.
You know what is also hard about blogging? Aside from the fact that I’m taking myself off of other channels to be here? (Oh the struggle) but again I digress.. the choosing of pictures is what throws me because I over-obsess and my style-choice of how I am showcasing things here, I know nothing else? It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, ew I said it. NO not ew, because I am proud of this I distinctly recall being 19 years old during the (first) height of my blog fame something I should actually speak about what that was like, I’ll put a pin in it for now but holla holla that’s a goodie.
I always have these negative mean things in my head when I am writing here it’s every mean thing I have heard people say about me and boy there are doozies, that is another roadblock BUT f that shit because haters gonna hate you, just don’t let them trip you up.
I tend to hold on to it for a bit before I erupt and let them know how wrong they are. How they have mistreated me but I know that people fight the battle when the war is already won so it be what it be and that is why they lash out. It typically has more to do with them, not you, but still they try to mess with your life and can succeed. I do not ever forgive it. I stand in my power and my worth and how dare you. I just have experienced a lot of meddling lately it has been exhausting and hurtful. I am still wicked pissed about it and the anger is nowhere close to cleared yet.
Every piece of negativity that you put out there 100% will come back to you. Cruelty too. If you feel low, then stop the grudge you are holding on to. The hate. Let it go because all you are doing is hurting people but mostly in the end it is you you’re hurting most and nobody needs that dysfunction anymore. Some people are trying to be happy and live harmonious lives without conflict there is enough going on in the world for plenty to eat and they’ve had enough. Demonizing people and painting a bad picture of them to suit your own needs is no one’s gain. Cruel intentions are quite unbecoming. Thank you for the flowers but where is the apology. See: worst birthday of my life.
However, speaking of ADD previously… I’m currently helping my man with a golf ball FB Marketplace post and flexing my skills and for some reason mobile wouldn’t work to upload the listing but now we’ve got it sorted from my desktop I am happy I can help and make use of my copywriting technical skills. I am grateful to be blogging here and now too booboos… anyway he’s setting up his dream stereo system right now too which deserves its own post.
When people embrace their passions, like me blogging for instance, then you help one another and bring each other up – that is how it is supposed to be. You can’t rise up if you’re squashing yourselves or being squashed. I have always been a read-between-the-lines sort of blogger and anger is distracting so this is my therapy doing this. I need to get it out to move on and when I have been disrespected so rudely why should I not get my turn to speak my mind.
Now, actually moving on but if the person who all that was meant for read it, good. I am willing and waiting to have an open dialogue with you at your leisure but if not, cool then. I just find alienating people only continues the abusive, toxic situation. I have heard everything you said about me. I’m not being afraid to write here anymore because of people’s judgments. Period.
Speaking of that too, do you know that the woman who has cyber-stalked, harassed, bullied, and terrorized me for 15 years is actually finally behind bars??? See. People been messing with me all over for a long time and now I can speak out about it.
It’s a massive story but again I had to just “ignore it” forever but I always kept my eye on her and BOOM she has priors. When you are a blogger on the web, influencer, you will attract crazy people. My friends who are also in my scene have all gone through it, being trolled and harassed in so many horrible ways!!! I never breathed attention into it here too much in order to minimize it although over the years I am sure you have seen me go off about it when it boiled over too much for me to handle and all you guys could do is watch, no one could properly help me. I have had a sick woman emulate me, torment, attack me on-and-on for 15 years, drag me through the coals and gaslight me. If you saw her channels you would be sickened.
I am so thankful that she is in jail now on $50,000 bail no one put the 10% ($5000) up to get her ass out of there she is that heinous and all it took was someone else for her to harass and threaten holy smokes. I am still triggered and sensitive about it so will discuss at a later date kk it is still on-going.
Day-to-day life is pretty chill, we is happy. I have rolled my ankle twice though playing sports with bf so now we don’t do that it really needs to heal, lesson learned. Walking, hiking, biking is what I can handle maybe the odd toss of lacrosse but football and frisbee is too dangerous because the competitive athlete comes out and results in my ankle literally folding and it’s traumatic plus sets us back. My ankle crumpled a second time because the first time thought it was better but not really healed yet and I was running backward to catch a spiral and hit a divot in the grass – boom. Dunzo. My right ankle ballooned up like a ball. I have teeny ankles and well I gotta pay more attention. I have pain flashbacks still it’s quite scary but I did it to myself so I am not looking for sympathy only just gabbin’ with you.
And so we went on this walk in this cute little part of a trail when I was still newly afflicted we went light and easy but we had a great time and were considerate and cute to each other blah blah wildflowers everywhere… I have been feeling guilty about being happy lately, feeling nervous about it I am protective of it very much so. How terrible is that? Like, it’s “not fair?” I am not talking BLM well maybe a bit but mostly from all that other shit I made mention of before like when you say you’re happy people take it away from you or try to they really do which is sickening and mentally ill of them if you ask me.
Pride comes before a fall but I am not prideful I am grateful and know the difference between a low and a high and always find a silver lining in times like many people should cultivate the fine skill of self-preservation, stop, smell your roses.
This made me laugh and reminded me of a time we had to park in a field in Holland like an over-flow lot and the grass was so thick and tall but all the cars there are tiny ridiculous Euro things and you drive in to like an everglades-effect and you slam your door shut on all these tall grasses.
Went for a me-time spin on my bike this day I have a lot of memories of this pier and the waterfront in Burlington in general and consider it a happy place. I’m a people watcher so it always brings the goods. I scratched a lottery ticket made a couple calls which resulted in ME being the watched one lol then rode home to bf’s dinner made for us. Happy day.
Airing out things that bother you with having a platform to do it on I gotta admit feels freeing in a way unlike any other, sometimes scary the “power” but if people have made you feel so small, insignificant, and inferior for a long time why be afraid to call them out why should they get away with it?
Chickens come home to roost.
Another milestone is getting into shape again and feeling more confidence in myself, my body, my spirit, my all and there isn’t anything wrong with that I am still very much annoyed at the nasty things I have heard. I do not trash other women. It’s gross to me when I hear others bash me, like, you should know better. If you want to feel validated in your shittiness then yes, you have done damage. To us both.
Onwards and upwards, have a great week y’all.
Never be afraid to be happy, that is the take-away.