I failed rehab

ps I wrote this for Matthew Perry who didn’t make it out alive. I am hurt and fascinated by cautionary tales of creatives in the limelight who struggle with addiction. Maybe this post can help someone today.

I failed rehab.

I did. I wasn’t ready yet. Plus those motherfuckers discharged me. They kicked my ass out! They failed me too (more on that in THE BOOK) and that’s alright I am a special case and after two weeks of the Raymbo they were all good on me.

I drank the day I got out. Beer. mmm delicious.

Again. I wasn’t ready to quit drinking yet. I needed to fall some more first and hit bottom and that, I did. I would have stayed, I wanted to, I became institutionalized. I liked the routine. It was the first period in years of sobriety for me BUT what happened was my (racing fast AF) mind woke up. I have been drinking to quiet my AUDHD or whatever the fuck you call it my whole life then ptsd 9/11 thoughts happened and I had to quiet those too. (I am good with that now don’t worry but if I am not careful shit can get sketchy)…

I started also drinking caffeine in rehab as well – when I was heavily-drinking, the smell of coffee, of anything, food especially(!) made me nauseated and I didn’t eat much really, barely, despite looking ten months pregnant from acute Pancreatitis.

When you look like that you drink more to forget you look like that.

There’s a lot more painful ones on my device for another time.. when I posted these originally people said oh I didn’t know um ya sorry but ya you fucking did and I told you but you didn’t care because it’s not about you. You learn a lot at the bottom of a bottle and I am not blaming anyone but myself. People need visuals to know that things are real nowadays. My picture of 9/11 shows that I was there if not for that then no one would believe me. As much. No one believed how bad it was until I showed them how bad it was.

Years prior one day my mom said to me why aren’t you doing pictures anymore or want to be photographed and I said not until I’m back at my fighting weight. Why do I want miserable gross pictures of letting myself go? Angie our adorably very-Italian family hairdresser after my last visit with my polished new hair lanky body selfie posing it up in the mirror clicked her teeth and said well, why did you let it all go then? It was confirmation that yeah girl you are pretty and here is the glow-up but WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK BRO. Right?

Anyway, rehab, right. I got a lot of material out of it buddy and tools for my toolkit, repressed rage, animosity, gratitude, and yeah, it needed to be done. Am I drinking the kool-aid tho? Am I ever? I do know that ADAPT helped me, outpatient shit is more my jam because living with people and hearing them snore when you are used to vodka to knock you tf out will eventually end very badly. at first I got VIP treatment and the big room with the en suite bathroom and a tiny chick who didn’t snore but there was another girl who was my bestie then turned into my enemy omg fuck her I tore up her paintings she gave me lol the thing about rehab is it’s very high school for adults and there’s gossip and bullying it turns into jail maybe well yeah because we can’t leave and have rules.

my gf said I would be popular in rehab and I was like no way (secretly pumped) but then it came true way too much. I was kicked out of the first detox i went to as well, it was ratchet and they put me by the observation window and it was so loud they didn’t like my tone when I requested more than earplugs then 4 hot paramedics came in to get a girl to take her to the hospital and they were like okay which one are we taking when they looked at me fuck you as if!! lol. but yeah it’s ass-backwards the system i should have just detoxed in the hospital but my mom wanted me to be in the support system for after that but turns out that was not for me and now we know okay so all the rest will be in my THE BOOK. If you know anyone or you yourself need some support it’s out there alright. We’re not all the same and not everything covers our bases, look at me, but I found something before it was too late and holy shit thank you thank you amen.

I’ll be doing a post on Matthew Perry another day. Today I am 356 days free from alcohol. Addicts talk about that shit because normies who drink, do not.

update: yeah comments are down working on it. appreesh and respect the old template format and og internet vibes. shrug