do you like cleaning out closets. i dont. i dont like doing anything. i was called a false idol. interesting. tv is boring as is everything to me these days. im a completely different person. i walk like a robot and barely talk. i know theres ten trillions out there like me and i no i dont have the answer for it. im suppose to set goals and read the paper and join aa but i went to this orientation thing and couldnt relate to one person. i never had a drinking problem so i see these classes as pointless and time wasting from the plenty of hours spent doing nothing. literally. i cant even focus on reading. all i do is lie down and stare at my brother playing n64 and sometimes i dust him at bond. im going to la soon. i have that to look forward to. i peed in a cup today. im suppose to be abstinent. you see the thing is i smoked so much weed it made me paranoid to full degree but now thats gone im still not smoking weed but i want to…my lack of creativity is bumming me out basically. im a dried-up old person who says nothing. that is all.

i’m not like everyfuckingoneelse. or maybe i am. either way i never said i was extra special, just special, like who isn’t. people who leave angry hate comments wtf? should i come ’round to yours and say a whole bunch of shit? i could care less actually. really. it’s always the same person anyhow. stop stalking me.

i ate a hotdog today. it had ketchup and onion on it. and then i smoked ten thousand cigarettes. and then i watched a movie. it was called die another day. it’s the james bond one. it was tacky. halle barry has big boobs, and she did this backflip and landed in the water and then got onto a boat that just happened to be there. and then other stuff happened. and then i ate some chips and onion dip, but i didn’t eat all the chips and onion dip, i also had a ginger ale.

my dad has a cat named rocky. i call the cat “meow meow”. as i refer to all inanimate objects these days. tomorrow anti goes home. i am sad about this. but i will go to california again. umm… we have to pack his truck tomorrow. i am thinking of changing my medication to zoloft instead of the modern lithium because i am unable to show emotions or feel them properly. the hot dog was actually an itallian sausage. no that’s not a cock joke or a referecnce. did you like that picture of me at the mod club with that union jack thing shirt on? i do. that’s why i am using it again. this is all i have to say for this evening. bye.

i have what you call writer’s block these days. i just can’t put words together. i don’t know what to tell you. and what to not say. i want to tell you about how i went mad but maybe that is meant for the book. i just can’t wait for things to be not said, hence the blog. hence blogs. tyranny i need to know where my printer is, or where it went. everyone needs a printer.


i miss blonty

I hate you and I love you raymi.

there is something out there for you. you are literally one of the most beautiful individuals I have seen for quite some time and I hate to see you as such. it seems like hell is having its case with many and there is no sign of hope for quite some while. it seems the only thing that can save all of us now is to move into the dreams that we used to have many years back. allow ourselves to lose ourselves but with some knowledge of paths we walked before to prevent further harm. society fucked us all over and this so called generation that we are both a part of has very little choice but to forget about the previous generations and define our own path. being worn thin though doesn’t give us enough energy to enter into battle to go up against the standards other generations have defined. corporations have failed, and the economy had to get rid of certain business structures to make room for some kind of evolution to allow us to exist within it. just like the 1930’s in america, but at least we weren’t as bullheaded as they were. I hate being apologetic but I know you don’t need to know any of this. I’m probably saying this more for myself than for you. why I’m even sending you this email is kind of a mystery but I guess we are drawn to things for reasons beyond us. I guess I want to say this. if the world isn’t behind you, know that in some kind of weird pathetic way, I am. Get up and do some damage sweetheart and make them beg for more.

Good Luck and Good Bye


people wanna know what i do now, huh. this is it. nothing. boredom, straight-up. i wander around in circles and think about how add i am now and how little of a machine i am now. i dont do rails. i dont do shots. i dont tick i dont tock. i just pace. im on thought police pills ones for bi-polar and sometimes clonazapam if i need to mellow out my nerves. yup. what happened to raymi you wanna know? well send someone over who really wants to know with a bag full of loot and ill tell you, world exclusive premier, how’s about that, huh?

what do people write about when they feel blank. when they are blank.

when there are blanks?

where do people go and how do they get there and can i go too?

self-loathing is merciless but thats what it is right now. sorry. shout outs are fucked, dunno why.

depression is a sickness. an illness of the mind, the soul. it can take you whole. if you let it. there’s a point after which, for a short while, they say, you can’t help but let it. you are powerless.