Like all people on the internet with opinions they like to unleash on the world, I too have some “tips” on life improvements. Just let me get settled on this pedestal here before moving on.
That sentence just gave me a headache see what happens when I try sounding smart.
What I mean is, I just said some kind of opinion on Facebook and felt like eye-rolling myself but then also why denigrate my own advice? I have weighed in heartily on advice columns before, people send me their unsolicited Help Me Rhonda emails all the time because I deliver cut throat honesty, peppered with realness that often borders on mean in only that the truth hurts. When you hurt, you are allowed to be an expert on hurt.
Fuck it. Lets listen to hurt.
I have major cramps at the moment so this song is super pertinent.
Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you can’t preach a little. You don’t have to pop one out to be enlightened. You can still take note of the egregious errors of others then go back to your own life. It sucks that there feels like a divide between parents and non-parents a wee bit. We watch each other’s lives on facebook and take note of the differences. Anyone who says they don’t judge is a liar. Now, not to judge but.. lol. Those who seem to chase the glam life and live like their world is fucking amazing every day, well I don’t know. If things bother me then I just limit how much I check it out so as to not lose my mind with jealousy but also, I’m fine with digging on my own life I suppose.
How about those ‘year in review’ videos passed around facebook. The way my year was stitched together I had to do a bunch of editing, removals and then jam some fun shit all at the end of the year to fill it in and it could only pool from a certain batch of pictures nearing the end of the year. I also limit what I blast on FB because I just do long story short, FB fail to which they even came forward admitting they screwed up.
I read a snarky comment or two saying how some people’s years looked like shit which made me rilly rilly angry. Some people have bad, less fortunate years. Are immersed in shit you don’t even know about so how dare you judge especially when every other self-important status update by you is more meaningless and attention-seeking than the last. How dare you shame others and then beg for sympathy over minor band-aid entitled non-problems. Yes FB fail indeed. Humanity fail indeed.
But, taken with a grain of salt because everyone feels a bit of misery at Christmas. Boredom. Loneliness. Bah humbuggery. That’s why they lash out at other’s lame years in review. Show photos of their swag that reek of emptiness. One-up.
OKAY bitch vibe over and out time to mall-rat it up.
Hiya fartosaurus rex! I’m on day 2 of no drinking again, which you’re not even really supposed to bother mentioning until day 4 because then wise asses with pictures of booze in their hands start popping up all over the place. Clem pretty much laughed in my face on day 6 when we played the central. So whatever. Are you supposed to only say something after a year of sobriety then casually point out hey its been a year? Who cares all I am saying is the power of this blog content is currently not fueled by breakfast in Russia. #vodka
It’s fueled by this now. Spiiicy.
And while I’m at it this is my favourite song right now. Must make concerted moves not to always and only talk about myself here. I want to do oldschool fluff blogging again. In theory. Like a top ten list of stupidity. Lists? People like them right? I also thought I might bring back the poll, so haters can show themselves. My first one will be: Do you like the band name Boylord? 1. yes 2. no 3. fuck you. I’m guessing 3 is going to be the reigning wiener of that one. See! Fun shit like that. #BLOGS!
Had a little reminder the other day why I don’t like drinking anymore. Yes because it is so fun feeling brain damaged all the time.
Speaking of Boylord, we are playing this epic little party on New Years Eve, I don’t know if you recall me mentioning it a million times before previously but in any case it’s a fact. Strombo hyped it. Buck 65 will be there. I am going to be dressed in something NEW & FANTASTIC. Here is the flyer! Dave Love is playing with us. #legendary
TEN YEARS. Guaranteed to see celebrities hipsters musicians cool people arty people too cool for school eccentrics the best of the best. I am also bartending. Come bring me presents and film my band we go on at 11 sharp and our setlist is adorable. I even tried on my wizard peacock caftan. Which I think I’m going to sell.
Gonna be good times.
Here we are rehearsing She’s not me with an effect.
Psyched to do this live. I’m going to do dance moves.
Gonna hit the mall today and get something to wear.
Holy cheekbones. That’s what two weeks of not drinking will do to ya I guess. I ate a bag of candy last night. I’m going to cut my candy intake in half this time around.
Hair game on point. I’d say en pointe but we aren’t talking about ballet here, people. Speaking of on/en, there is a truck that is parked in my lot that has a “baby ON route” magnet stuck to it that enrages me. The baby ON your route is gonna be a dumb baby like you. It’s good to know there is a baby ON your route, dipshit! uGHHH.
Yesterday was one for the pretty party books lemme tell ya! Anyway, cold packs work nice cos your eyeballs are like burning lightbulbs and eventually get too hot, helps get the swelling down plus good for headaches and feeling trapped alone in fear beneath the eye shades to think about your stupid fucking hangover like a wittle baby. hahaha. My friend is messaging me about his gigantic hangover right now and it is amusing as all fuck to me. Thank god for the friends we maintain correspondences with. Actually I’m going to do more website writing for him. Three cheers for friend-client relationships hahah did copywork for him before and it blew him away. Anyway.
Was so fungry yesterday. Fungover. Had a gyro afterward these eggs charlotte were not enough to satisfy my funger games. Had a salad for dinner.
Caught up with Sarah cos she was around the corner and FINALLY got what happened with he the night Jian Ghomeshi drove her home from that Travis concert we brought her to. Long story short he creeped her out. I told her she should sell her story somehow, so if you actually want to know you can contact me. #shameless.
Had a bit of a chill so had a hot bath.
A table of Tinder boys.
I think I might look hot with a trillion nose earrings maybe.
Having a nice holiday? Great. Live life like each day is a holiday and you’ll barely notice the actual ones.
Sooooo, big shocker, I had wine on xmas. And a cognac with a Polish man too. I will start the clock again, probably will be harder this time and I 1000% blame Christmas. A Little Raymi was like aw I liked reading your daily boozefree updates it was like an Advent calendar. I think 14 days dry was a valiant effort this time of year. Do I want to be obliterated on NYE? Part of me really wants to or at least be reasonably ineebs. Or professional. We will see which Raymboat wins.
It’s Christmas! I have so much to be ungrateful for! Good t-shirt slogan for next year.
My bf asked if I was going to break up with him after winter. Hmm good idea. HAhaheheh. He said I look like someone who would do that. His family adored me. Said I was VERY FINE and think I am SUPER INTELLIGENT. BF was like woah they REALLY liked you. Must have been all my racist jokes. Ha. Also I have an Italian face they said. I could feel it being stared at so I froze it in beauty smile queen mode. I think cos of my hair all swooped over intentionally effortlessly.. but yeah I’ll take Italian profile any day.
So yeah, Christmas was different this year. It always seems to be. Sad that Papa’s not around. Christmas is always a little saddening. LOTS of depressives on Christmas.
We didn’t exchange gifts this year which is totally fine but also illustrates how empty the holiday can make you feel. So I gave myself little pep talks to get through it like my family is gifted in beauty and in health, I’d rather have that. Beauty can get you gifts and one day I will look forward to that. It’s good to be rich in hope and blah blergh blahhhhhhhhhh fart. Lol.
I treasure each time I see my Nana. Glad to have made time to decorate her tree at the beginning of December or whenever that was. Bf had a moustache then so on Christmas she thought he was a different guy. I was like no worries Nan there ALWAYS IS another guy fahaha.
The skinnier I am, prettier, and better behaved I am, the less Nana digs I receive. This year she was just disappointed in the Holiday Inn food quality which my mom repeated that no one cared or noticed. My mom and Nana are like the odd couple. I made my mom compliment Nana before we left. She said Nana is her rock. Oh god now I am crying thanks a lot you guys.
Cousin Libby came out it was so good to reminisce. A friend of mine on FB was like is she your sister in law or something? I said no, cousin, and he goes she was remembered as the hottest girl from senior public _______. haha go Libby. She had an admirer in that room that night too, an old geezer who put his jacket on very close to our table and just legit stared at her, so funny. My mom has lots of pics of us I’ll post whenever she gets around to sending.
I have two holiday inn stories from two separate occasions staying at this hotel before when I lived in Oakvegas. Will save for SIX MONTHS IN MANSIONS. Which will probably be the ‘Big Sur’ to my literary eventual releases.
This was the only buffet plate I made for myself as it was second xmas dinner for me. Hey the ocean called!
Shawn regifted a bottle of whiskey from work to Nana and I passed along a scarf that was very Nana and she adored it. Nana has whiskey with a tea if she has a sore throat or some other old lady remedy thing. Love her. Doreen was there too. Such a pretty lady.
I published this a few weeks back before my blog party then I chickened out but now I’m blocking out the haters for YOU so happy holidays from all us here at Raymi the Minx enterprises, y’all make this blog thing pretty fantastic. In any event, this juicy ass is from my date weight phase. I fear it is shrinking by the day so it’s important to make butt time capsules. I hope Nicki Minaj makes one of these. Or one of you Little Raymis does. Come on lets make a Raymeme.
Hey guys, didja take yer joke pills today hopefully jesus -uck am I ever in a crabby mood. PMessy nahmean. And I super want a drink. I am at the point like why am I doing this. This sucks. Is boring. And so on. Plus Christmas is basically here which means Drinkmas.
It’s Day 13 of no drinking and I want a dark and stormy right fckn meow.
But then I looked in the mirror and was like hubba hubba. Just jay-kaying guys. How will I ever become friends with Gwyneth Paltrow if I drink. Bet she never lets her hair down or allows herself to be out of control like ever. Stringent chicks are so fascinating. Speaking of typecast people, Gwyn is one of those skinny broads in loose-fitting black lingerie proudly on gawky display in several of her flicks and you can only do that when you’re a beanbole and to be a beanpole you have to be majorly uptight. We have to make do with the bodies God gave us and if you’re flat then to pass as sexy you have to be coatrack thin. Or that’s what the sickness beauty perception states.
Smiling makes you look younger too. Fortunately more than half my bloggy life was devoted to neve smiling so I don’t have massive crow’s feet and laugh lines. All my lines are on my orehead from fucking around with my eyebrows and applying mascara EVERY DAY I am 100% going to get botox one day and have a forehead like a balloon.
I had a gap in my teeth as a kid and then one day it just closed, maybe when I was about twenty, but because of the gap when I smiled (when I was forced to) I never smiled with my teeth showing I hated my Madonna gap. Now I know the power of my teeth and flashing ‘em but you have to be careful and not overdo it because you can look like a game show host which I have on many occassions. Smiling smiling smiling, inside dying.
If I wrote a book like how I write these blog posts I’d have no recollection of what my book was about because I have absolutely no attention span and whatever I cared about last week is like ancient history in internet time.
Sorry if you’re grossed out. Or tempted.
Reminds me of Fubar 2.
Yep I still dress like Peter Pan.
This was yesterday. God I miss running. it’s just too cold and too much hassle.
Pumped about getting so much laundry done yesterday.
Still eating candy like crazy I think is turning us into monsters.
Keeping food as interesting as poss.
I have every intention to run again soon though, this headwrap is part of the plan. Today woulda been good too it’s kinda mild.
Booze free day 11 and bored but whatever bored is better than plastered. OR IS IT!???
Today is day off from bf. We hang out a lot. I have definitely transferred addictions over to him. Idle time is bad for drinkers. He said oh whatever baby you weren’t even a drinker. I said you don’t know how much I drank you just met me off tinder. He didn’t have a reply. I might even be too bored to write this blog post.
I am content with small mercies and always am. Like it was sunny this morning and I was up for it. When I put on my blogging clogs, as I was bending over I thought I would probably have a pounding headache while bending over and putting these on. I can enjoy moments and just go through motions period and not be like OMG I have to bend over and put on shoes now! Ugh LIFE.
And so what if I feel a bit smug about it. Everybody I know (more or less) is hungover right now, ’tis the season. The right people too. It would be funnier if I could tell you who and why but gone are the days of blogging everyone’s secrets here for your entertainment. If you happen to be hungover today reading this no I am not talking about you I haven’t lurked enough online to know who is or isn’t yet not that I do that but maybe I’ll start.
Had thai last night at a place we tried to go to last week but I got too embarrassed. First, his headlights lit up the entire restaurant from being parked out front. THEN I tried to sit/ride on the decorative elephants in the entryway realizing they were lightweight and not rideable, basically paper mache. He told me to not thinking I would but guess what, I would! Then I tried to speak to him through the window as he finished his dart and everyone in there heard me go, “What!?” at him so I stormed out fuming and humiliated, got in the car where his high beams flashed the restaurant ONCE more and everyone looked at us angrily. Died. So we went to Kelsey’s.
There is a bottle of raspberry vodka in the freezer still from the last time I got wasters which is why I am concerned for this boredom and plan to go out in a couple hours to get up to other constructive trouble distractions. Part of me is like I should pour it down the sink but that’s so hyper-dramatic and wasteful the other part of me likes to THINK about and visualize that bottle, stare at it sometimes… maybe I will drink it one day. It’s not like the defining thought parading around my head it’s just one thing on your shoulder, like always. I could, but I won’t. I should, but I can’t? These are probably AA encouraged journal style entries. Sorry for the cheeseballs.
I like to place positive encouragement things in my face to motivate me. I love Michelle Phan. Look into her if you don’t know who she is. Massive success.
I’m panicking that I’m going to get fat though cos I’m eating a lot of junk food and deep down know I won’t really stop but my metabolism is better no matter what. I just have to keep adding exercise into my routine and stay active this winter. This was a chewy ginger molasses cookie he said was like eating a leather belt.
I eat one teeny snack, then one GIANT ridiculous foodie-satisfying meal and then a pound of candy at night. Yesterday I bought paper thin cookies thinking it would be better than sour candies. After I blog I plan to get some candy. Baby steps.
It feels like my hair became super duper long overnight.
And then we met Spock. Spock belongs to Nancy. Nancy and I lived together when I was 19, she got out before it went crazytown and by coincidence she’s dating one of my bf’s besties. Far out right. Her cat Spock has a passport. He comes from France and is Ethiopian, also an Abyssinian Sphinx. Newsflash: this cat is more interesting than all of us. He’s a hyper-active diva and teeny like a spider.
I love him so much it is painful.
I took the train in to meet the gang, surrounded by all age ravers. Go train lighting at night is so awful don’t look at me please.
Polish cola. Actually German.
We made a chicken. Okay I did nothing. I put the veg in the microwave.
I guess my blog is about me and about cats. Maybe I should add that to my bio but no offense cat ladies people: please stop.
Bought a massive bag of these too.
Korean bbq before that. See. Foodie activities keeping me occupied.
I’d go back like today.
I took this selfie in front of like 8 people watching me it would have been low-key if the hostess didn’t yell out to us.
Wearing (antique) white to a bbq house wasn’t a good call. I live on the edge.
My room was bright this morning.
I’m gonna paint my nails and toes now then make a list of all the food I want to consume. Yes I am very much a one track mind wild animal.
HERE’S MY STAND-UP SET PT. II. WARNING. LIKELY VERY GRAPHIC VIOLENT OFFENSIVE AND DIRTY. READ AT OWN RISK IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT IF YOU GET PISSED. IF YOU MISSED PT I IT’S RIGHT HERE.
Do you guys wanna hear about my date with Jian Ghomeshi?
How do you like this joke I came up with? Babe? Are you Bill Cosbying my mouth right now?
Grounds for killing your friend. When you’re like am I seeing you later? And they’re like, what’s later?
One time I gave all these empties to our regular collector of them and so now he comes often cos of the treasure trove of bottles he got out of it like it’s his secret treasure pot of stoli bottles. Today i saw him and he got spooked before checking the dumpsters. I felt bad. Also cos I was drinking a screwdriver at the time we made eye contact, bringing it to my lips. I felt like a pompous asshole to the degree of bad karma will one day get to me and he will be staring me down from a fancy martini glass which is why I gave him all those empties that one time, for good karma points. There but for the grace of god go I. You can be out on your ass just like that, you could lose it all. I know a lot of superstitious people who give change to bums for this very reason. They have a life of petty theft behind them and being jerks in general so it’s like good fortune to give some quarters to that samurai wizard on college street. Or the glue sniffing hipster.
I don’t know why but every time a famous celebrity OD’s Im always in the middle of a bender and like AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Btw one of the other celebrities I booked for tonight was MYSELF. Yeah. MTV replays my shit all the time. weirdos
So the last time I had an anniversary party was 5 years ago for my 10 year milestoner.
Bill murray fans? U know in life aquatic when he tells the old man to just plagiarize the rest of his signatures on the zissou movie posters? Yeah im like that just copy my signature on a book you bought from me and say that i said you could do that. I gave you permission to sign my name so when i die you can say raymi the minx let you forge her signature and therefore the item is even more valuable. The other day on a blog post of mine a guy asked if i was selling prints, which was ludicrous to me cos you can just print that shit out on your own. Like, add yourself to my flickr friends list but get in my face about it so I know that u did cos i have blinders for that platform as in I have 1000000 unread messages from perverts and threesomes, shame really i just don’t have the time anymore for dick pics but anyway then u have access to the full size of my pics. Print it out yourself! I aint got time for that. How much money do I stand to even make? 2 dollars? For all that work. IF I am about to go and make a print for you I am pricing it at $1000 just because you made me angry and like, do something.
Its sad when ex boyfriends twitter accounts go private, how am i going to snicker at their dismal pathetic dating lives now? Or read in between the lines of subtweets and interpret silences as the sad pathetic benders that they are most definitely on. Lame.
All i did to write this comedy material today was barf this all into a word document instead of tweeting every single thought i normally have. It was simple. If i just did stand up everyday instead of touched the internet I would be so much for successful. The internet is the tool of the lazy, the housewife, kids on tumblr.
So this dope im seeing isn’t a misser, he doesn’t miss me when we are apart. He doesn’t blurt out “I miss you”. Now thats a problem. For someone like me. That is a spectacular problem. Im like bro, you know how many people miss me? LOTS. EVERYONE MISSES ME.
I also lost it on him the other day for telling one of my jokes and not sourcing me on it. Unbelievable. Social injustice!
So I would have prepared more material but i had a bite or two of this edible, this chocolate weed coin the other day and then I was like woaaaaaaaaaah mystical internet adventure time. Probably what james franco and seth rogan do every day. Yes unicorns were there. Someone probably said right meow.
Sometimes I get high because I think it will make me funnier or i justify it being to stimulate my mind and creativity but mostly its for shutting out the world and yeah for the most part id say it pays off and makes me funnier though id say im at my most funniest when im hungover riding on drunk-still fumes and I was only ever consistently like that likely during my glory blogging days and looking back I have not a fucking clue as to how I was able to function let alone write a blog. It’s a beeracle. AND I didn’t even smoke weed during that period too! Funny how the best blog writing I ever did was when I wasn’t smoking pot. Interesting. Now it’s probably like only because it’s the only way I know how to function anymore because everything in the world sucks and I can’t handle reality and everything bores me I have acute super fucking boredom syndrome have you heard of it? It is also applicable to people you fuck, which is probably why I always seek out fruit loops and made dating a sport. I watched my last stand-up set and was blown away by the stories I told last November and not a ONE of them was relevant or applicable to today. Im not dating a dutch guy or living in Holland or working for an advertising agency anymore. The only constant is my snoop bloggy blog. But thats cool. Someone here will give me a hundred bucks for a shoelace I bet im like john holmes on the come down haah.
Speaking of dating I went on the craziest date a couple months back and it’s gonna end up on tv. They’re gonna cast a lookalike Raymi. #fame #raymous
Want to hear a period joke. Hey I’m PMessy.
Wow, there’s rage like no other than trying to get a closet door back on its track. I was going to take a selfie and noticed my closet behind me was open a crack and was like, cant have that this is a room selfie and already pathetic enough as is so I had better tidy up this shit hole so then I go to slide close the door and the thing just comes off the track in my hands and I was like great now I’m going to have to call my dad to put this on but he’s kind of pissed at me right now so it will be this entirely awkward bitchy ordeal just to get this door back on I may as well force myself to learn how to do this right fucking now! Because jared is coming over and he wont know what to do about this door and so my closet became a metaphor for my life like am I going to make it in life if I cant get this door back on its track? Well, I did get it on but it wasn’t pretty and then the whole selfie moment was totally fucking over and I looked like shit in each picture because my hair wouldn’t fall naturally the way it was before I went to fix the goddamn door. That is the end of that story.
Hey do you want to hear a joke? (tell dry cleaning pants shitting joke).
So people are pretty mean to me. They are, truly. And its cool u know cos whatever you do youre gonna be you and do you but when people are always mean to you about you like you should change the awesome it kind of makes you feel like shit so you feel like shit all the time. But you don’t change and you wont because you know why they hate you in the arrogant way they hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Cos they jealous.
So I did this talk to OCAD the other day. See how smug and douchey each sentence begins in comedy, so I uh, did this thing eh. I did this thing. I went to this thing. So I uh. Yeah, did this ultra thingy-thing. So yeah. Anyway I spoke about blogging I cant even really remember what I said but I know I looked good cos I watched myself on webcam the entire time and was too wrapped up in looking like kim kardashian to make practical sense and what was I even talking about anyway, blogging? Im like talking about unicorns and fairy dust and giving tips without giving away the method to my magic.
(segue) Oh you server not found!
Make fun of the comedians at the central for Tuesday night comics. Finally I am making fun of u on this stage…
Do you guys wanna talk about the math about my alleged fifteen years in blogging? Its too late everybodys here, who cares. Lol
You guys are the special mystery surprise guests cos I didn’t think anyone would come haha surprise!
No kidding wow thats awesome you guys are here I didn’t think anybody would come thats wild thanks.
I was only suppose to say that joke in the event of no one being here.
So my whole look good now die later thing has caught up to me because later is now. For the last 3 months ive been in crazy pain that is decidedly something awful that I have done to myself so stay tuned and feel good about being here tonight because I will probably be dead soon.
I went for an ultrasound and as the nurse was dildoing me with that wand she asked me what I did and as I was telling her about all this stuff about myself and it was so casual. TOO casual. I had my arms back, I was lounging on a pillow, lubed up, being transvaginally probed and I thought this is so weird. But, so right? Like I am totally the one for this kind of scenario. I am like a transvaginal ultrasound technician’s wet dream cos I was like so chill. Pretty much exactly the egg from the humpty dumpty’s logo, that fucking chill. How lucky for her!!!!!! Then she told me some really private stuff about herself and her family and like, fully opened up to me too. God it was precious. She also said she didn’t see anything wrong with me inside there and i haven’t heard back anything from my doctor yet no alarm bells but you heard it here first I am dying. Give me all your love and money now before it is too late.