found her on myspace!

subject: magic pony

i saw you the other nite at my friend’s store
i was going to say something but was too incensed with rage i didn’t want to make a scene

dugan told me many moons ago you said that i was a walking std, scott would not grant me your phone number to call your parents and tell them their failure of a daughter is a rug-munching dyke troll

you talk shit about other girls cos you are insecure and hate yourself

enjoy your life, ugly.

love lauren white

ps. lose some weight
pps. metal sucks

july 2006 archive time.

yes i went to edgefest last summer.

nice hair loser.

shitty pointless post, and now i see what everyone is talking about, sorry guys.

look it’s jim!


newsflash, YOU’RE A PRICK!

fanmail telling me i am a tragic mess or something it is long.

i still get attitude from this.

your life sucks.

6 is the new 14.

here is the crap we don’t want real people with jobs to be subjected to.

fart sounding implements.

how to deal with your DEPRESSION.

3. ok i do sort of like you guys but you see what i did there? i made a JOKE, fucking try it sometime, guys le douche.

brianna just made me have a crush on her.

21 man im steudent and you.

woah deep.

i am a desperate pervert loser.

sorry fatty. wow.

the birth of stalkraymi

hamburger obsession.

we need friends.

zoo pictures.

hamburger time again.

wow. and i wasn’t even wasted.

is produce considered an aisle?

OOOH telling it like it is.

boner for kaylee still got one.

my blog is german.


fil is a girl.

this just in: these things still blow.

just some pics, you know.

bla blah did this drank that watched something.


congratulations you hang with dudes.

nicest most sincere fanmail.

who is this little retard?

aw thanks.

reminder not to do bangs again.

future-me RULES!



i swear i thought stomach had an e.

i want to take their fun away.

dear amanda peet

stef tanz forevers.

nsfw the hairy bush pictures that everyone exploded on i still hate you guys.

thanks guys!


i still have the rest of the kit does anyone want it?

this other super annoying thing happened last nite at lee’s, we watched this skinny jock loser trying to be a hipster dancing and bopping around and feeding drinks to his chick-friend, fine, later on i go up to the bathroom and she is sitting on the floor of a stall and her boots are sticking out from under and i was going to take a picture but i decide not to be a total inconsiderate opportunist and ask her if she is ok and i spy a bunch of spew in the toilet, it takes her awhile to respond she says yeah she is fine i ask if she is alone or came with friends she said she was alone i asked if she wanted some water she said that would be great thanks so i go get her some from the dance cave and bring it back and ask again if she has ANY friends with her (as mother theresa as i was being i was not into partying in the bathroom with a stranger all night) she says yeah she has a friend his name is mark i say what is he wearing knowing full-well it’s the skinny dancing douchebag and she says a hoodie, bingo, i go down to find him and tell fil what was taking me so long, so i find mark chatting up one of the dudes from the first band, the teeth, and i can tell he is hitting on him or trying to, he is passing a map drawn on a napkin to the guy, i say hey man your friend is puking in the bathroom she needs some help you need to go check on her and he cuts me off with a snotty whiny smile DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT? uh yeah as i was saying… DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT? yeah i got her some water but she is SITTING ON THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM IN A STALL AND SHE IS NOT OK then he goes oh you got her some water you’re such a hero in this condescending but somewhat sincere tone and asks again if he has to go deal with it and the teeth guy is amused by now by all this and at the audacity of the guy’s priorities so i say, i mean, she IS YOUR FRIEND to guilt the shit out of him, then walked away.

do i have to deal with it?

so many fucking things wrong with that question when your gf that YOU got plastered is alone barfing and you are whining to me a complete stranger who went out of their way to help her out while you are being a groupie-slut, it was walk away or shake him completely senseless.

and now i must fold laundry.

scroll to the bottom of pics for shitbagging post.

i need this bad. you can see my socks/shorts combo in the mirror reflection would go nicely with it.

i will write about this troll after i make espresso stay tuned it’s a goodie.

so the troll mentioned above’s name is wendy cheng, chen? chang? whatever. she went to my highschool, same grade, she’s like 4 feet tall, not a looker, proportions all wrong, sad really, anyway, she’s smart and i guess witty but her personality is so dry and obnoxious, she is mostly unlikable, given that, i STILL gave her the benefit of the doubt and acknowledged her and kept my mouth shut when she said cunty things about everything, other girls, bands, the universe, one of those arrogant debbie downer types, like cynical emo loner. i asked my friend ward why she was always hating on this one chick who i thought was her best friend, everytime lindsay would get out of ward’s car, wendy would insult her like crazy, ward said because lindsay is average height for a girl. oh, good thinking ward. granted lindsay was a dingbat but still she was super nice to wendy and tolerated all her snide musings.

and so how does this relate to me?

in highschool wendy sort of hung with the people i sort of hung with, i had two spare classes together and when i wasn’t spending it drinking at this cafe and tanning at the salon, i would go with my chums to eat and wendy would be there too, she told me once she would do it with a girl she’s just waiting for the right one. she was also dating my friend scott, or they had broken up, who cares, anyway, after highschool i go to nyc then partied in town for a bit to save money before going to maine, while in town i hit the local saloon a lot for karaoke and brews and wendy sorta hung with the regulars there whom i sort of hung with too, only cos they were there, i fucking hate them all now and had oodles of secret-contempt for them at the time but that’s how i roll, enemies close type biz and remember the chick who said she was jealous of me in the bathroom and won’t let her boyfriend be friends with me? she is one of these regulars.

OK so back when i was (this is all mostly lead-up) hanging at this bar with my dude-friend whom i am not allowed to be friends with anymore, one time i am not there and she says to him OH YEAH LAUREN WE USE TO CALL HER THE WALKING STD.

when she said we she meant SHE cos no one liked her and would have the balls to sling shit about me like that, i asked my friend scott once i heard about this to give me her email and phone number so i could call her assumedly strict chinese parents and tell them that their daughter was a fucking dyke rug-muncher, scott would not give me her number. i even tried to look her up in the phonebook, you know how many chengs are in the phonebook? (insert you have more chins than a chinese phonebook joke here) anyway i got over it sans closure by way of temporarily forgetting it, BUT LAST NITE SHE WAS AT MAGIC PONY.

i was going to accost her but i wasn’t even buzzed, i told everyone there about her, kristin said i should say something and offered to go up to her and tell her to get out of her store. i gave her a ton of cut-eye and passive-aggressive hostile atmosphere and while shitbagging her to kristin i was looking all around for her to point out and she was right beside us the whole time so i HOPE she heard everything i said. thing is, i was totally railing loads of guys in highschool, she didn’t know that though so this std-remark is totally unwarranted also i will kick you into outerspace you cow. she probably wanted to bang my friend and thought dissing me to him was a good way to go about it, plenty of chicks have done this to me before, it’s great.

so, was i right for not saying anything about it would you have blasted her through a wall? per se there is some sort of in-future highschool reunion, is it way cooler to harbor resentment and let it brew even longer then explode it then?

also, she was with this total ugs-looking chick and as far as i know, her life blows, still lives in the burbs, goes in to toronto to hang at the reverb and buy knick-knacks from silver snail, i guess i win.

i think she recognized me we made some eye-contact and i think she was too scared to deal cos she made herself pretty scarce after that. GOOD.



rilah interviewed me for this eating disorder website thing.

Q. If you could go on a strict vegan diet and drop weight faster than you could put it back on, would you?

A. Based on principal, no. Aside from that, I do not have the willpower, nor desire. I enjoy life too much. I mean, I like to enjoy my life while I’m living it, not suffer, eating twigs and leaves.

read it all.

look it’s me and christian rudder the guy who started the spark he has a band now called bishop allen we saw them last nite at lee’s after magic pony. all i kept thinking when they were playing was the spark the spark the spark i am a loser. we used to chat a long time ago back in the hotmail days, he didn’t remember that, still a loser.

i forgot to mention that yesterday was a free show at sneaky dee’s and beers were 2.75 oops, stop die played and others.

last nite’s dinner, when you DO have carbs make sure they are wheat. when you eat once a day the meal you have make it something unique and retarded to cancel out your frustration of deprivation, it’s a reward. i had a bit of fil’s macaroni too so easy there skeletons.

i got busted taking my picture in the bathroom mirror at sneaky dee’s last nite and the picture turned out shitty and it was my only chance i am a hurtbag.

i cut those jeans yesterday, they were my safe-pants despite looking like sirens barfed them up, which they did, or something from the dufferin mall did, anyway, you have to choose a pant to cut into summer shorts now that you are getting skinny cos the ones you cut last year never fit the same the following season.

on my left knee you can see a little divet scar from when i fell UP the escalator stairs at erin mills town centre and a chunk of flesh came out i was wearing shorts and my mom was like uh why is this my daughter, basically. i didn’t cry.

elizabeth gave me those shoes when she moved to the ‘couver. score. i just realised they are tommy hilfiger so they are now called the evil shoes. they kind of hurt but not really, well they mostly hurt your heart when you look at me wearing them with those socks.

and now it’s time for fun with organic bananas

i bought these assholes last friday afternoon, i took these pictures yesterday, wednesday, AND WHY ARE MY BANANAS STILL GREEN!? i figured fine we are going away for the weekend they’ll be ripe by monday at the latest. wrong.

why is my banana raining?

i didn’t know bananas spooged, this shit is sticky as hell, like sap and i cannot even peel this thing either isn’t that the whole idea behind bananas, their god-given purpose? useless.

so i had to crack it in half to open it, more spooge, and it’s dry and hard and not at all delicious looking. if you try to crack a “normal” banana it explodes goop everywhere.

even under normal circumstances bananas make me heave if i think about what i’m chewing on for too long but this is just insane.

took forever to get the sticky off my fingers.


this is tonite. go to it. i am.


ok here is what i did to lose 20lbs (plan to lose more).

i think the main factor was going off zoloft, it’s been a year since i have been off the drug, which is how long it takes to fully leave your system and your metabolism goes back to normal, so basically everything i was doing this time last year wasn’t going to work anyway.

i watch what i eat, i avoid carbs, i walk a lot (with fil), and i drink more whiskey than beer, or boring cocktails, sodas/vodka whatever. i know if i stopped drinking the weight would fly right off instantly but you know i’m a lakaholiq so fuck that.

now that it’s warm we walk everywhere, it’s insane to picture myself in a cab right now all that wasted money and laziness, walking cancels out all the boozing, partially at least. if we are running late we’ll take a cab to wherever we go but we always drunk-walk home, it’s fun, we do sidestreets and alleys.

protein is important, sashimi instead of sushi, remember no carbs. but you don’t have to rule them out completely cos you will totally lose your mind if you don’t have a little here and there. oh and your bowel movements will be close to non-existent which will piss you off.

i have a double espresso everyday and sometimes a tea also, the british way, yes with sugar and 1% milk, i put milk in my espresso also which would then make it not an espresso but whatever, i also put sugar in it, two cubes, my body can metabolize sugar alright enough so i don’t get all nazi about it.

i think your mentality is a huge determining factor in getting slim, if you obsess over every little thing it consumes you completely and you are always miserable and annoying, you know when you’re looking for love and desperate you don’t ever find it, apply that to losing weight. don’t set yourself a goal, that’s ridiculous, you will not meet it, just have an idea of when you don’t want to be a house anymore.

the french are so trim they say cos their mentality is better off than north americans, when they eat all that rich fatty buttery food they don’t think THIS IS GOING STRAIGHT TO MY THIGHS what they think is ARAH AH HO HO AHHO I AM A SNOTTY FRANCAISE LADY PERSON ON A BEEEYUTIFUL TERRACE EATING A DEELISHIOOSE FROMAGE BAGUETTE basically they enjoy their food they are not afraid of it, and they eat smaller servings. they walk everywhere too.

so caffeine is essential cos it gets your metabolism going, i use to do the energy drinks but they sketched me out, plus all that sugar, anyway, caffeine and bananas = dumpcity. that’s good. also, i mentiond this before, if you ever want to shit your pants, don’t eat all day, go to a bar, drink a glass of house red and eat a small caesar salad, get someone to tell you a long story that requires your full attention cos they whisper-talk (it will stress you out), fart a little bit and then, well, that’s that.

i eat once a day, this is possible cos during the day i work online and sit in the same position for hours and am an agoraphobe and suffer from depression (wah wah wah sooooo sad) anyway, i can coast on caffeine adrenaline until dinner. NO SNACKING. if you are a snacker i don’t know what to tell you i don’t snack. you are likely emotionally stuffing your face and/or stress-eating and there is some other issue you have to sort out.

no french fries, order salad, no creamy dressing, no dessert, no junk food, no garbage, no chips, NO FAST FOOD. EVER AGAIN. DEAL WITH IT.

when you eat once a day people will berate you, ignore them and focus on yourself, they are jealous cos they don’t have the willpower. they will also say OH once you start eating regularly again the weight will come back, you know what, you won’t, and it won’t. while you are coasting on caffeine adrenaline and empty stomache your body is using up all its stored calories for energy, do some housework to push yourself over the edge, it’s awesome and you get exercise out of it. people fast all the time anyway so shut up world.

i know i post pictures of fatty food lately but that’s cos i am down to my base level, once you lose the first ten it gets easier, then you hover around 15 for awhile, then get to twenty, i hover around 18-20 lbs off, hovering is normal.

you need a scale, those good-feeling hand-holding feminist mags will tell you you are beautiful the way you are, don’t obsess over numbers… FUCK THEM YOU ARE NOT BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE FAT AND YOU HATE YOURSELVES. a scale is essential in weighing yourself every morning (when you are your lightest) and every night when you are trashed and feeling bold, and for after every bowel movement. how can you measure progress without a scale? ludicrous.

when i say walk i don’t mean oh i walked once last week to the supermarket, i mean walk at LEAST 5 times a week for at LEAST 45 minutes. think in terms of walking THERE and back again, it will boost your good-feeling about yourself, progress yeah that’s what it’s called. simply sitting around complaining about being fat will not make you lose weight.

oh and yoga will not make you lose weight it will only make it possible for you to touch your face to your fat ass and be able to pose like a pagoda, not helpful, if you are already trim then fine, go nuts, lesbian.

while you are “dieting” you should do sit-ups to tone your middle so when the fat comes off there is a nice stomache there not a bunch of weird alien shit like courtney love in those bikini pictures what the fuck was that all about?

i do sit-ups in bed in sets of twelve i bring my knees up and sort of do some half-assed crunches and then i have my feet on the bed knees bent and arms crossed over my chest and do some like that, the tv is on too so it is less boring and if you are watching 70s show jackie’s body helps get you motivated.

you will need to buy new clothes and learn how to dress thin again right now i am kinda fucked cos nothing fits me right and the past winter and fall was spent covering up my body in tricky ways, when you start this process, start to wear tighter clothing as barfular as you may think you look, wearing less makes you look smaller, wearing a tent, guess what, MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A TENT. so all those smaller shirts and sweaters you have hung on to (everyone does) bust them out.

and finally, what got me on the road to doing something about my weight was an off-hand remark fil made, he said there was skinny and then there was stripper skinny, i was the former, basically, my body is too garbage for pole-dancing. as painful as it sounds, you need to get someone to say something mean and traumatic to push you in the right direction, all your friends probably humour the shit out of you and say you are SO NOT fat. they are fucking liars and want you to be fat forever, no they don’t, they just don’t want to hurt you, but you know what i am getting at. the more of a close loved-one to deliver the message, the better, no not your mom that will just make you eat a tub of ice cream and write some angry poetry (ew), your dad is a good one, boyfriend is tops though.

if you are in a long-term relationship it is even harder to get thin stay thin whatever cos your other half is all like whatever, comfort zone and all that. you need them to finally slip up. fil made that comment the nite we got back from nyc, mid-january? so that’s when my frame of mind “turned” – before then i was always like yeah yeah yeah i’ll get around to it this summer i will be trim bla bla.

ok good luck.

ps. and yes fil was in the doghouse for that comment for a week.

pps. if you MUST eat something, pickles are fine, no carbs, zero fat, and a couple swigs of milk to stave off hunger pangs, no biggie.