In honor of this story i will post a photo of me as a lil tot, age 7 maybe in a skimpy bikini.

One time when i was 12, my bro and i were the only kids advenced enuff to take lifesaving 3, swimming lessons (we were the only two in the class) and i had this total crush on our LifeGaurd. His name was Walker and he wore these John Lennon glasses, had a shaved head and had a fukkin’ Bod to die for. I dreamed about fukking him all the time. That summer i first saw him I went swimming everyday, from 1-4 and then 6 – 8.
(8 – 9 was adult swim) by the summer’s end i was so tanned that my doctor said i mite get skin cancer or something.
Anyhow, one day it was not busy (the pool) and so after our lessons, walker let me and my bro stay and swim, cuz no one else was there ‘cept for the other lifegaurd who had huge tits. i forget her name.
So, me and Walker and my bro played tag cuz we were bored and then i was it. My bro was in the deep end and Walker was in the shallow. so obviously i went after Walker and followed him. I remember he was wearing a lil red speedo and i could see the outline of his winky. so now me and him are in the shallow end and my bro is elsewhere and then i dove at Walker, he jumped back and stood up and the only thing i touched was the tip of his Wink cuz it stook out. like i more than nipped it.
I Goosed him pretty darnedGood
. It was purely accidental.
And you know what he sed? :
“Well then. I guess i’m it!”
Then he pushed my head underwater (i guess to help me not feel embarassed) but then i saw that he had the hugest erection.

nothing else came of it cuz i wuz 12 and he 20 or something. I went on to write him bad poetry and bring him candy and do stretches in front of him wearing my skimpy bathing suits.

Well — i went out with this psychoHose beast frum my dirty past, last nite. We went to Dick’s, me, her and her boyfriend, friend and sister. She is a viciously bad drunk and slutty as sin. for privacy’s sake i will refer to her as ‘the beast’ . The beast and us sat down at a booth and everyone ‘in the know’ orders cokes ‘cept for me cuz i am
not ‘in the know’ and then the beast pulls out a bottle of Bacardi for fucksake. So i am enjoying my glass of lemonwater. mmmhmm. the beast gets all tanked and starts to dance and dance and dance around the room like a flooze, all in front of her boyfriend. this black dude with dreadlocks comes up to me and asks if she’s ok cuz she’s standing on a stool and bending over for all to see and it’s disrespectful to her boyfriend. no no, she’s fine, i say, she gets like this when she drinks. then she sits up at the bar by herself and chats up this ugly old guy and he starts buying her drinks and she’s like, “Do you think i’m pretty?” and her boyfriend is being very very patient with her and not saying anything. The beast’s sister goes up to her and tells her to stop, and do u think the Beast appreciated that? HELL no. she goes into this violent rage of throwing shooters and screaming at her boyfriend,

“You jeLLus asshole! I hate you! you are SUCH an aSShole! don’t touch me! don’t touch me! DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!!!!!!!! BLarrrGhhhhhGGgggggghhhhhhh!!!!”

and so on…..

so then the bouncers kick her out and she scratches them in the face with her claws. rrrrrOWr. everyone was staring and watching and laffing at her, shaking their hedz and she goes, WHUT THE FURK ARE U STARING AT!? the muzik was turned down as well. ufff.

It was all very embarassing and there’s lots more but i don’t wanna get into it now agen cuz i am hungover and tired and annoyed and i am on my way Downtown for NewYear’s and shtuff. so happy day, or something.

I bought all these new sluttY cloze to wear frum Le chateau. everything was 50% off ! man. I had forgotten how much i lurved shopping. I ran frum rack-to-rack, tearing cloze down and piling them up. There was a limit of three at a time in the changeroom, but i sed to the guRL;

“Listen, i am going to impulsively spend lots and lots of money here and you will collect comission on it. So, please do not interrupt me and be around for if i need your assistance.”

and it werked, uv coursE. I am not going to say how much i spent cuz it was a ridiculous amount and i am going to regret it tomorrow. meh. I’ll just go by my motto in England when i had only 50 pounds a day, ‘I’d rather look cool with new threads and starve than look like a dweeb who has money for food.’ That and it will motivate me to charm men and get them to buy me drinks. Oh yeh, i bought these huge chunky shoes and i am going out to bust a move tonite for the first time in a LONG time so i just know i am going to fall on my ass and embarass myself. durr.

I am never this shallow and you all know that so do not judge. thaynx.

stay tuned for when i will rant next about all the stupid things stupid people write on bathroom stalls. Argh!! that REALLy annoys the shit outta me!

This is by Laura Petrie, my bitch.

haha, you got drunk at a work party. I always do that. Once I went to the Arnold Lumber Christmas party cuz my dad worked there and I worked there so I put on this really really short little black dress and sheer black stockings and stillettos and everybody got really drunk and danced and all the old dorky guys were like “hi”. This is the sort of thing I used to do all the time. People must have been like “what the fuck?”. My poor dad. So I got really drunk and went off with one of the fork lift guys, this cute punk rocker, and snuck him into my basement room in my Dad’s house later and we fooled around but it was like trying to cozy up to a rock and when I tried to kiss him his tongue was like a joust sticking out of his mouth which was not good, so then he climbed up to my face and tried to put his dick in my mouth and I was like “nah, too much effort to waste on YOOOOU”. The next day I somehow got him out of the house and into my car without anyone seeing and we went out for breakfast. I tried really hard to impress him by playing like a song from each tape in my car and it was pathetic and I dropped him off and he took my phone number and never called me. Then I kind of had a crush on him and got all scared that he was going to walk by when I was at work so when I finally did see him I was all like “hey” as if I was so totally bored with seeing him – because really it was the opposite. See, I didn’t know anything about boys then. I should have sucked his dick and then acted all excited to see him. What a shameful past I have. I always wanted a punk rocker boyfriend to fall in love with me because I really felt that I was the embodiment of punk rock and that any guy who was punk rock would be like…exactly like me and stuff. Instead I found weird drug addled freaks with zits and stuff. That reminds me..

LawRa, you should start a knitting yahOO club. really. Since i am retarded and cannot even fiNd a boy/gurlfrend, my advice would do u no good.

all i can say is, never ever ever date anyWun who makes you feel bad or insecure or is posessive and asks like nineHundred questions oh yeh and also is annoying and snores and takes all yer blankets and talks during movies or makes noises during movies…hmm, maybe this is why i have no boy/gurlfrend. nah, kuz, they usually don’t find out how much of a witch you are until like a month into it.

anyhow, Raymi discovered that Dristan and Alcohol are a bad Combo. I saw’re a film ‘crouching tiger:hidden dragon’ after having 2 dristan and 4 drinx and I thought someone was kicking the back of my chair the whole time when reaLLy it was only the poUnding of my head. felt like sumwun was tapping a tambourine against my SkuLL. also, i had to read the subtitles the whoLe Effing time. in the end it wuz woRth it. Raymi wants to be like a Jade Fox.

Got called-in to werk in the ‘ol hardWare store today, at 10. was very slow and all i did was take apart staples, one-by-one, until i had a handful of staples and then i lined them up all nice, and then i threw them in the garbage.

raymi is addicted to the home version uv Who wants to be a millionaire. Didja know that Rhode Island is the smallest state in area, or something like that ? FiNaL answer final answer final answeRRRrrrrrrrrr……….Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

here is a roast Pig. wuz served to us starving students in OxforD, though, 2 thirds of ‘em were jewish and/or vegetarians. meh. more pig For rayMi

Haven’t been here in awhile, now. meh. I apologize. Krismus wuz dysfunctionaL this year, as per usUal. I sit there, receiving gifts that are to ‘Add’ meaning to my life. I still am not certain what to do for new year’s and that troubles me. i feeL this tension and anxiety every new year’s and this oBligation to do sumthinG spectacular when every year it’s Krap and i get bored and wish i wuz at home. But wHen i stay home i wish i were out. Damn vicious CycLe. Maybe i’m juSt blue. mayBe i am just Lazy. Anyhow, here are my resolutions for the New year — Therapy (get to the bottom of all this anxiety) Weed (buying a quaRter 2Morrow, asap). No more meaningLess Se x .

Rite now my head hurts and that blast of Aspirin aNd childRen’s tylEnoL helped me to no End. it’s 4 36 am and i Kan’t sleep.

Q: If you kood be any animal, what animal would you be?

A: You already ARE an animaL.

Ffuk, Raymi has given in to the xmas shooping heLL scene.
here is whut she bought:

Barrel of monkEys — for ex.boyfrend

Austin PowerS, Carnaby Street outfiT, action figure wif pull string — mum and bro’ (they will share it).

John Lennon cartOOn action figure frum Sargent pepper’s cartoon — dad

plastic Bowling set — neice

walkie talkies for boss’s sons wif 9v batteries.

soaps and shit — boss

I’m dun. gud. I hate crowds. I hate shopping. I hate crowds of people whilst shopping. i hate krismus. I hate krismus and shopping for it at the same time. Maybe it’s only this year. last year i loved krismus. meh.

RetarD gurls like Raymi should not be allowed to paint their tOenaiLs becuz they are impatient and forgEt they haVe to wait for the paint to dRy and then it geTs all smudged and stuCk in the crevice where the nail meets skin and they end up chipping at the polish and picking at It withiN days and then iT cracks off, making them look like 12 year-old craCkwhores.

Painted and chipping fingernaILs GivE away yer aGe.