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This is by Laura Petrie, my bitch.

haha, you got drunk at a work party. I always do that. Once I went to the Arnold Lumber Christmas party cuz my dad worked there and I worked there so I put on this really really short little black dress and sheer black stockings and stillettos and everybody got really drunk and danced and all the old dorky guys were like “hi”. This is the sort of thing I used to do all the time. People must have been like “what the fuck?”. My poor dad. So I got really drunk and went off with one of the fork lift guys, this cute punk rocker, and snuck him into my basement room in my Dad’s house later and we fooled around but it was like trying to cozy up to a rock and when I tried to kiss him his tongue was like a joust sticking out of his mouth which was not good, so then he climbed up to my face and tried to put his dick in my mouth and I was like “nah, too much effort to waste on YOOOOU”. The next day I somehow got him out of the house and into my car without anyone seeing and we went out for breakfast. I tried really hard to impress him by playing like a song from each tape in my car and it was pathetic and I dropped him off and he took my phone number and never called me. Then I kind of had a crush on him and got all scared that he was going to walk by when I was at work so when I finally did see him I was all like “hey” as if I was so totally bored with seeing him – because really it was the opposite. See, I didn’t know anything about boys then. I should have sucked his dick and then acted all excited to see him. What a shameful past I have. I always wanted a punk rocker boyfriend to fall in love with me because I really felt that I was the embodiment of punk rock and that any guy who was punk rock would be like…exactly like me and stuff. Instead I found weird drug addled freaks with zits and stuff. That reminds me..

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