hi

Hey what’s good I feel lost right now maybe I will find myself writing on my blog — feel like I’ve reached the ceiling today posting fb memories and getting lost in the abyss of twitter (X, whatever) notifications holy hell being niche twitter famous is an investment in time management of which I have none but anyway it’s interesting trying to cover all bases with a variety of nature videos selfies memes garbage reality tv hashtag opinions (specifically Euphoria, Below Deck, and whatever else I am bingeing quickly and instantly forgetting all about) reply guys blue jays food pics dog videos cats walks and then talking to my weirdo friends from the internet and irl, what a privilege it is to be me.

I am “finding myself” here now as well because I am actively avoiding doing something that I have long since put off all month or so and now it’s D day week to get’er done so I am pro-crastibating with the blog post but it’s okay I got a loose system in place here there’s pieces in motion ahah okay stoner mystery speak just shut up. I will let you know when I am ready I am trying to minimize damage always it’s like, a must, with the big mouth that I got and the stupid crap that I do plus no filter. I am flooded with that feeling of dread like it’s the night before your essay is due that you did fuck all all month long for. I carry that feeling almost daily lol.

I’ve just gotta book some flights and hotels and co-ordinate all that together and like use my brain and focus two things that I do not at all enjoy doing in the slightest you know that song I just want to bang on my drum all day, that’s the quintessential definition of my belief systems + life practices essentially, if I don’t do the opposite of “locking-in” I will basically crash out. Which sucks but I don’t make the rules I can only follow them and so normally my buddy would be holding my hand throughout all of this and guiding me but he is dead now so it’s ironic that I have to adult-it solo-mish in order to make it to his celebration of life this weekend and I am taking my brother because I don’t want to go alone and we know my mom is gonna flip out so I didn’t want to say what it is that I am panicking over because I don’t want to deal with that hassle – I suffer enough from travel anxiety as is.

See how much OCD people/anxious people torture themselves? It’s very real. Talking about it helps alleviate it. I saw that Deena and Vinny on Jersey Shore (which I am bingeing right now I can’t believe I didn’t already mention it above they are dominating my parasocial circle at the moment) suffer from what I suffer too: anxiety & OCD and lately I’ve been thinking I am AUDHD so when I see my shrink later this month I will be hard-launching the rest of my neuro-spiciness onto her see how that goes. Trying to get as many diagnoses over here and break some records jkjk.

When I die (knock on wood) I think that my brain should definitely be studied for science and if only there was a way they could later on tell me about it like how Walt Disney is waiting around for them to cure dying. lol aw I get it. If I were Walt Disney I would totally want to stick around.

I spoke with a few friends yesterday and Mel was over (i’m in the country right now he’s a buddy from town friend of bf’s and mine) and I fielded a few calls from various people after a few on auto-pilot I hung up and said and now that is how I get thru my day lol I am like a prisoner trapped in this cog of wheels that do not stop turning in my head it’s kind of exhausting but I am used to it by now when I have a moment of pause to reflect a wave of fatigue tries to settle and it’s like I could either sleep for a hundred years OR I could get up and do infinity fucking arm curls right now LFG then I’ll try to see how long I have been sitting hunched over for and if I need to pee so I’ll get up. I remember as a kid not being able to sleep at night and now I know why. I mean, I would lay awake thinking about all kinds of shit knowing everyone was sleeping I didn’t recognize this as racing thoughts dressed up as insomnia. It’s brutal. I can’t even sleep with my boyfriend. People who can fall asleep while I am on edge alert from the quiet tick of a clock and the hum of a fridge. I can identify every little noise in your house but then other times I am kinda deaf. Next post we can discuss my declining memory. Oof.

Okay is any of this neurotic bullshit even interesting I dunno just please don’t tell my mom yet until I talk to my brother and book my flights okay this is your test if you rat me out you’re banished from the Raymi fan club, I’m revoking your special ring.

See ya later haters!

Jules and I over a decade ago. She just got married sorry.