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old man look at my life i’m a lot like you were

oh monday you cruel mistress. here we go again. againemy. i just made that up because my brain is made of mush now and i make up words because they are my imaginary friends. i am basically dr. seuss. how much acid did he do? i’ve never done acid and i never will. no need! ps. don’t you love me in this photo? i do. look at it bigger. this is the face i make when you’ve said something tactless and hurtful and i’m allowing it to sink in how much of an asshole you are. worked on the blue eyed silver fox like a charm, over mussels he saw the mouth pout purse and felt like a twat. i don’t know why but i toy with people a little bit, make them think i feel bad when i don’t, transfer feelings around like a sociopath a little, i’m really upset about something secret that i am hiding, what you did was very minimally shitty to me but i will let you think it was apocalyptic maybe if i am bored. i have high standards and if you fail my little tests then everything changes. i am actually way worse than seinfeld costanza larry david woody allen martha stewart and other neurotics. remember the polak i was kind of dating? he said something about online modeling and then it was over so fucking over.

i ate a lot of things yesterday. this is not from yesterday though, it was dinner with the teacher at gladstone. the slaw and the pate, the pate was a bad call we sent it back for the black bean dip. there was nothing wrong with it at all it was just too rich for how hung and teenily appetited we were. please remind me to make my own slaw.

not one non-blurry photo taken in le tickletrunk, and then the clear ones i look like a psycho so here is pictorial evidence of a brief room party. i bought all these juices, carrot (barf) aloe (yum) pineapple coconut (YUM) and ruby red grapefruit (sharp!) and i bought a bottle of stoli, soda why am i listing this it’s so pedantic. i bailed on the juno party at wrong bar, how was it? i bailed all over the place this weekend. black out on responsibilities not compromising MY LAST WEEK OF 27 i promise this will all go away really soon hopefully. what should i wear on my birthday? i’m feeling something akin to strawberry shortcake. can all the girls dress up too? i promise i will not go as insane as my ten year blog anniversary party which essentially already was a birthday extravaganza bonanza.

lets pretend that i do and just go back in time to take that in again. AGAINEMY. i need more hair diamonds that harajuku clip died. buy me some. write a list of things i want thank you.

holy blond kardashian nightmare, redd did an amazing job on my hair.

oh my god what a total bridezilla party monster. i think when i get married one day if i’m still doing the living publicly on display thing, i will have to get married in a straight jacket just for safety. with champagne intravenous sewn into the lining. i’m surprised they don’t already exist. they’re already white and all brides go bonkers.

bro and i commiserating. lots of dysfunctional hilarious family shit went down this evening. no telling family secrets though too bad for you.

four costume changes.

and a wardrobe malfunction. someone slammed into me and that entire wine glass dumped all over the front of this jem and the hollagrams dress ugh it’s a $600 dress on loan lucky i got away with it. my rib cage is hugely wide. i didn’t get to wear this one for very long oh well.

so yeah i have to go less than this but, just as glitzy. suggestions recommendations, donations, by all means… ok back to the present.

that one shoe is talking to my doc.

looks like a commie coat station. i did want to nickname this place the outpost. that choice was veto’d.

and that would be the passbook. commie guidebook of rules, life lessons to live by and overall code of ethics of raymbo army.

this is my journal from 2000, a period before england and then my walking around journal in england, notes to later expand upon in full. my class was just about writing, writer’s craft. i got to just walk the fuck around zone one (way posh) and write about eating drinking fucking (at 17) and also kept a scrapbook. what a time. i’ll scan it one day, that’s noel’s dream to scan all my journals and print them in a huge coffeetable book.

couple great gems in here and cute tram link vouchers, receipts, pressed flowers and empty sucre packets from pretentious little cafes i went the full arty nose in a book dream girl. i read some of this aloud to teacher and was kind of shocked by how great my writing was. poems too! what a fag. i think it’ll be worth something one day. all my journals will, which is why i took careful precise care with them, everything written is intentional and deliberate so some rich collector one day will open it up to passage about sunshine penetrating my souuuuul. dark lurid creepy pained and pompous moments time capsuled, dated. passages by a muse.

i can have a chat and watch the tube from the john. very funny to a guy like me.

this morning i woke up not as depressed as how i woke up saturday morning. the secret to a bender is do it twice in a row i guess and get the fuck out of the house as fast as you can and by the way two things before i forget, this FRIDAY APRIL 1 is ADVENTUREHOUSE party at SALVADOR DARLING 1237 QUEEN ST W i will be there this time and i will be 28 years old. i will be severely hung getting severely sloshed or i will just be severely sloshed. we’ll see. hope to see you there. snp came to our first one, accidentally though (she didn’t know it was our night but i’m declaring it as counts), and she stayed. me and mel fan girled over her a bit in the back, mel was like did you get any pics of her? no unfortunately but anyway these parties are taking off now is the time to get swept up in the abyss.

the second thing was, the nickname of teacher’s townhouse is: the tower. so now you know.

getting ready for outside world.

whitening my teeth.

becoming it girl. i bought this shirt from salvation army in sauga (joyless shithole) and my mom was like hmm i dunno about that i said just watch and learn, trust me.

princess dirtbag extraordinaire. slap a collar on anything and you’re set.

sorry that all my tips are about being something you’re not. hey if you can be a dream cloud concept, do it. live the dream.


hair theme this weekend was disaster zone. roots appt wednesday. maybe i’ll get a purple stripe. brennen said pink will not work for some reason i forget why.

turning into a skinny lil thang i is. except then i ate everything in the universe yesterday but somehow magically was not a heffer today i was ready to be down right miserable but the diva gods are smiling down on me for fucking once just until i get up off my ass and assess the situation in the mirror, i fluctuate exponentially throughout the day and monitor everything. anyway my collar is popped. sometimes when you have to make fun of jocks you’ll (i’ll) accidentally say pollar is copped. anyway here i am owning the popped collar. it’s all about attitude, teacher gave me a tip unintentionally. an outfit can work if you work it but if you go sour times debbie downer then you have to take off that sparkly shit right now and go into dumpy wagon traveler woman outfit if you fail to bring it.

she matches me.

i only wish it were bigger.

my stomach is now washboardish and i am definitely flaunting it but it’s also wide and expansive with my layers and too tiny jacket so you’re forced to look at a weird big surface of skin because i am a dickhole and defiant. melodie was like, it looks like a shirt!

i go hard when i get my results because i have had to cover it up before or i dunno, hide my excessive lifestyle with drapey bullshit and high waisted shorts as spanx, you know all the doughy tricks.

i call it going beaver. like the place. i go there sloppy hot mess drunk with the family and i’m like guys I’M SHOWING MY BELLY YOU CAN’T STOP IT and they’re all shut the fuck up already lets go.

then i think about my stomach all night long.

great scarf timing.

i felt like i had too many colours going on. definite raymbo outfit.

my hair wasn’t all that bad though i know it’s time to clean it up when i can sculpt it into an edward scissorhands garden creation all on its own or when i take out the elastic it stays like michelle tanner (someone buy me the book those two made, what’s it called?)

eating destination one. yuuuuhm.

best hamburger painting ever, very meta too. i’d like to see it in a stuffy rich guy’s office instead and then stare at it psychotically while he talks numbers and i pretend like i know what i am doing and the next big thing. speaking of when is a venture capitalist going to get bored enough to take on a new hobby investment aka me? where are the dragon’s den people?

next time no burger, just choc rum shake. or burder and a stiegl. no onion rings either just too much food. i took the rest to go for melodie, but i scraped off all the flavour of my bison burger because i am a wild selfish greedy beast animal. so it was just here is a bison burger smooshed up to an onion ring that’s going soggy boy i love sharing.

i love all the art in there. hot knives painting that could easily fit in a children’s camping story book come on, give me that!

cutting it close to booze store closing time on a sunday on brock, this is the best place to be, they come in droves in all shapes and sizes i couldn’t take my eyes off the outside world.

pretty. spring is so beautiful. ahhhh.

hi dekel.

hi me.

mmm god yes. deciding factor in eating here. they have rum chocolate milkshakes and teacher’s like SOLD. then the music as we were leaving got fun (and the rum did its trick) we were instantly transported to the livingroom bender redux dance party of the night prior yet in stampede. i like how teacher dances, and that he dances.

what movie was this? so weird.

i liked the orange of his drink. is that the lemonade booze drink? maybe.

MUST see this before it’s over.

killed mine. efficient. that’s how i ate dinner too at the head of a table everyone was like woah do you want seconds? i already had seconds thanks.

we were going through my cute pictures and melodie got annoyed and said you should just change your facebook profile photo to a picture of onion rings. no way fuck that i said. hahaha. i get the concept behind it but the overall indie hipster bait i do not have the patience for at all. oh look she’s so hot but her fb photo is a pile of garbage on ossington SO OUT THERE i just know there is so much more to this woman, she is so deep and secure that she has onion rings for a face. nice try melodie.

probably the ugliest burger in the city.

you know what they say though, the uglier, the yummier.


it’s almost human, no ha i mean bison. i feel like it would communicate with me if it could and i think that i am going crazy. good night.

no wait, i found some blackberry pics.

last photo before eating.

expensive bag lady.

gorgeous dinner party room.

great food (more eating)(and a bit of seconds) lots of red wine, nice sunday feast.

huge bright vibrant aquarium to stare at and be mesmerized by.

rook brought this wine i loooved it was always put off by the label. not no more. buying a bottle tonight.

half the work is just in a name seriously if i was a sweet tooth could imbibe type just looking at MARSHMALLOW DREAM BAR would do me in. i’d be like well they have a point.

not bad considering the eating guilt. must be a skinny bitch this week. emphasis on the former or latter as you wish. i’m now in the strength phase of my works outs, so heavier weights, less reps. i like it.

10 thoughts on “old man look at my life i’m a lot like you were

  1. i’m so glad you share your life with us.
    my life is so boring today.

    now i feel inspired to go on the treadmill.

  2. well, u should rethink the cid thing: do it a few times at least, good for the soul. but damn gee your outfits rock, just screaming for a party, I’m down wit u for sure, if I’m …

  3. love your raymbo outfit, love that pictures of the two pairs of shoes, love the look of the covers of your year 2000 journal, i would prob pay to own that scrapbook you mentioned

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