Napoleon Complex bloggers

Borderline duck face? Okay fine then do you prefer this face?

One of our family classic fuck faces. You do it behind someone’s back at them when they’re going on a rant. My family is hilarious

Hi Shawny!

So emo core.

Evidence of Europe my gizzards!

I look like Hell? Hell is hot. Just like me.

This is a fat day. Oh no wait skinny is fat days now, that’s going to suck. Did a lot of yard work today, trimmed the hedges like Edward Scissorhands dressed like this. The neighbours peep me hardcore cos they NEVER see me I’m like a mirage, then they hear me and bf chirping and are probs like holy meant for each other.

Sister is coming over to do all our laundry now fuck yeah. Just kidding. This is her in Volendam the weekend before we went. She pulled a Gaga. Omg do you beat your laundry with a stick? HAhah ILHer cos I can say all the shitty things I need to say and she laughs harder than I would laugh at them it’s like constant affirmation of the monstrously funny person that I am. I ran through new stand-up material last night in bed and was like zzz wake up write that down please for the love of god but no need I remember both stories cos I’m ripping them off from a friend who can’t be my friend anymore cos of his wife, long story, gotta come hear it IRL don’t ya now. I did a secret stand-up set I wouldn’t let anybody come to and I was pretty good. I can be raunchier doing stand-up.

Our motel owner was a baller once dog! He comped us a night cos we gave no guff til we signed out and I had to play a priss. With good reason we heard gunshots out of our window it wasn’t fucking Compton in the 90’s plus you gave us one roll of toilet paper at a time and towel wtf? Anyway it was a good time because we fell in love Rihana hopeless place style. We didn’t make breakfast once and you think we were saved it once? No. Who makes breakfast for one half hour only between 9:30-10am? I’ll tell you. Someone who doesn’t want to press down on a toaster because he knows we aren’t showing up. We were the only guests. This was some Rose McGowan in a diner and the highways are shut down level creepy bullshit we saw every key in the cubbies sitting like gravestones behind his head as he berated us for fibbing on how many nights we stayed cos he wasn’t around for some of them and the lackey miscalculated, we were the only people keeping the week afloat and it got expensive Jesus, I was supposed to be with Lois and Mom and he was supposed to go to Cuba and Panama.

I couldn’t resist. Killing time til Sis comes over again cos I’m helping her memorize this dance. I have videos of us doing it that while I’d like to share but I don’t want you to have an Aneurysm laughing at us.

Womanizer played in my head all night long subconsciously ughhhhhhh it happened to me when it first came out too seriously. Made me sick. My friend had my ding-a-ling stuck in his head til he was almost sick and dizzy when he was a kid so it can happen. Poor guy ahhaha. Long story short she owes me for Womanizer. Ps. speaking of Napoleon, he did some historical things in Holland too. It’s raining History bye, everybody dance now! Omg she came in through the window. So Beatles.

Let’s get Raymical.

TGIFU time! Love it. See that can? My bf kicked it away when we were getting in the car to leave and it rolled down the street for like an hour, funny little details like that make the world go round. Cans too. He said it’s still rolling and I’m like what, really? Then we froze in silence and I could hear it from inside the car tootling away bahahha.

So after we finished up hanging around some vintage cars and canal boats we got back on the road making our way to Amsterdam. I felt like total carbage. We went to Germany the day before then stayed up late playing video games drank-a-lanking, got up early-ish and were out the door by noon before I could even finish my morning ritual of water coffee smoothie pooping and suffice it to say now bf knows not to force me out the door before I am ready because it ruins his day too gaddamnit. Anyway those be tulips, maybe next time there’ll be some tiptoeing through them.

Seriously can someone please explain the damage what was (RIP dude not speakin’ ill of the dead here) Tiny Tim thank you. He’s kind of a genius right, like Crispin Glover with a Tim Burton filter. Back to MY LIFE now though.

This is Urk. It was a holiday, Pinksteren, something religious and as luck would have it the inhabitants of this town are super ultra all about it and donned their traditional Dutch attire. They look like Amish Mafia to me. The guys have these clinky golden earrings it’s pretty badass and I couldn’t help but feel suspicious of all of them.

They don’t walk around like this all the time that’s why my bf said we were lucky.

Lotsa this. At least it didn’t rain.

Lotsa that.

Ooh sweet.

Look at the jealous stares at the pretty one. International jeals.

She’s super owning it though. Their bonnets have gold and/or silver balls that jam into their cheeks and look like cheek piercings.

Very narrow topsy turvy streets. Everything was closed because of the holiday maybe things were open til noon but we didn’t get there til 2 or 3? One place was open by the water and that’s where everyone was strolling by to people watch and take photos of the boats on the water. We were fungry it was a funger emergency thank god for that place. A German fisherman directed us toward it and when we drove off I asked if he was the R word cos he spoke so slowly and then my bf imitated how he methodically directed us for a half hour, it was cutelarious. I wish I could type how people speak here, I don’t even know how to describe it. I’ll make a video one day.

I went in here to wee and check it out maybe infer as to taking the table out front plus getting their attention (hate waiting for service) but then I’m like oh yeah there is no way they’re going to understand me. I just pretend I am invisible everywhere and force my way into bathrooms.

It was coldish. It’s always coldish. I’m always coldish. Yesterday it was 7. Last year on 23 May it was 30. THIRTY. By the time it gets hot I won’t be here. Great.

It’s all about the scenerey and fish though. Name that bit of Canadiana 90’s culture album. Try not to google it you tool.

Although they’re wearing clogs the dudes look pretty badass. If all my Dutch bros were wearing their funky outfits and I wasn’t I would run the hell home and put mine on too. Once a year guy, do it.

Those guys had the gold earrings on too. They look like gypsy earrings. Like a secret club. Their dialect is a bit different than regular Dutch not that I can discern the difference but bf can. He would laugh at certain things he overheard but then also not comprehend some things. Like Amish slang maybe?

Buh buh buh boats.

Ruh Ruh Ruh Raymi.

Perspective makes these look the same size but they’s ain’ts.

So I guess if we have a kid I’ll be allowed to dress it up like a Dutch doll. Yay.

Derno why the folks weren’t dressed up too though I think I’d feel like a self conscious moron after checking out the mom’s heels. Nice.

Super cute.

Super cute. No idea how he can just wear a t-shirt. Such a dude.

This is gonna be good.

Oh aww. It’s okay the dog dissed me too.

Haahaha. Hi friend. This is my desktop background. Can’t wait for Cray Tray’s commentary.

New flickr is making things take ten times longer btw thanks yahoo ps. thanks for tumblr take over too ya jerks.

Good thing I wore my gypsy hoops that day.

Just wait til that hair is longer. Whip it flip it good.

I’m gonna dye it this weekend. Darker or lighter? Or should I stay in the hair extensions colour family in case I need to rock ‘em?

Keep it nautical bro.

Bikes need hugs too.

This guy reminded me of my Uncle Rodgey. He had a slice of apple pie and a glass of red wine. He was ignored for ten minutes when he first arrived and was calm enough about it, when he showed up to the table beside me that had crap on it still from the previous patrons he stood in a am I allowed to sit here? daze and I gestured Yes you can sit there. He sat to my right instead, weirdo. Bf was like ew red wine and pie? I thought you don’t understand red wine you are not allowed to talk shit about red wine. Red wine all mine gimme gimme. Yesterday was sober day btw.

Finally. I ate half of this schnitzel. Holy schnit I felt like schnit afterward though, something was off, maybe the mayonnaise I dunno. BTW if I ever open a schnitzel place it’s gonna be called Holy Schnit!

And that cheese looks passed it’s prime too. This is what your sandwich looks like, make it yourself jerk off.

Boat porn.

I should photoshop the sky blue.

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