how to not talk about yourself for a nite

so tomorrow is fil’s christmas work party that i said yes we should attend, one part due to curiosity (what do these people look like?)(and i should let these people see what i look like, it’s only fair) and one part novelty, ok mostly novelty, and yes i am nervous about it. they know his girlfriend of four years is an artist of some sort and a writer with a popular website, they have nagged him for the url and he has been adamant about denying them access. basically i’m going there with zero material, which is great for this situation (not really) when your personality is uh colourful it’s kind of hard to be comfortable in a work atmosphere setting. when they talk shop i am going to be grinning my brains out and nodding so hard i’ll set off the fire alarm. fyi work nerds it is rude to socially alienate your co-worker’s spouse, and i know you don’t do it intentionally, you just have fuck all to say to this stranger. it’s kind of insecure.

i went to a work xmas party of fil’s before a few years ago, different company, i was bigger then and my hair was selma blair short = NO GAME. plus i was wearing a really bad dress. sometimes you think eccentricity will carry you that last mile, and sometimes yes it will and does, but mostly, sorry, it so doesn’t. in this situation especially. no one “gets” your babysitter potato sack dress because their focus exists in the corporate world alone. all they “get” is that you look dumpy and unladylike.

i cannot say the word raymi once tomorrow nite, i get to stumble over my words and accomplishments and what i normally have ten answers for i must tone down to one, or two. luckily at our table there will be a talker, you know you say something about a sprinkler and turns out this person invented irrigation.

your partner’s work function is NOT your place to shine which i guess is the root of my fascination of attending, smile nod, smile wider, show teeth, agree agree agree – because it is the complete opposite of who and what i really am, i feel like i am acting for the nite. i dunno, i get off on uncomfortable situations perhaps?

i feel fraudulent all the time, i feel inadequate all the time, i feel everything all the time, so whatever.

this was supposed to be a goofy little guide now it’s just a note to self, really.

i do not plan to compromise my entire existence don’t worry, i will wear my frye boots with this dress, i don’t know what sweater/shrug to wear with it though, my friend said if i pair my new belted sweater with this i will get cut eye from the office women, don’t know why though, maybe cos it would be bordering on that eccentricity shit i was talking about.

safe topics of discussion are cute/funny non-offensive viral videos on the internet, when someone brings up that fucking lion hugging its long lost owner video, do not say you saw it ten million years ago, subtly fill in the story gaps like you just remembered them yourself. do not talk politics. only do sarah palin impression if fil says so. don’t drink too much. do not dance. period. don’t cry when you see other couples dancing and poke fil incessantly under the table and sternly whisper in his ear about why he NEVER EVER dances with you. when fil says it’s time to go, GO. (i have a problem with instantly liking certain people too much and bonding with them when i first meet them thus swatting away fil’s hand when he gestures it’s time to leave) get drunk on the couch (instead of at the work party) watching snl. good nite.

Meet Green Thing from Green Thing on Vimeo.

you look pretty in your fancy dress

but i detect unhappiness

great, great video. oh how i miss summer.

and did i hallucinate that chris cornell feat. timbaland video just now? cos i can’t find it anywhere online. it was, well i don’t know what it was but i know that it WAS. i was hypnotized and i think i liked it. i think. remember i’m hung so everything is amazing to me right now.

as you can tell i’ve been having a really productive day in bed watching television and now i want to super glue my eyelids shut. don’t get me started on what not to wear. FIL BRING ME BACK COFFEE RIGHT NOW I NEED MY BRAIN BACK.

see this m-f’er, did YOU do this? you are not a nice person whoever you are, you purposely set out to take money out of my pocket. awesome solid gold look at you what a shining star you are! now if someone wants to buy it with its tear-added street cred, let me know. or it can be patched. the drama behind this piece is redonkulous.

i exchanged this for another one cos the cup area was missing thread, should have just sewn it cos the one i have now the foam boob padding is lumpy and now i hate this dress but i’ll still wear it to fil’s work party and the whole time i’ll be self conscious about my lumpy padded tits (as well as ten million other insecurities that pop out of nowhere at these such events). lesson: always buy the dress you try on, no matter what.

good thing i have a reserve of thousands and thousands of pictures on my laptop that i’ve been too lazy to get to. i am going to wipe down that wall the second i get off my ass.

i didn’t even notice the 6 fingers (ok! five fingers 1 thumb you nerd prick) when i bought this.

art show closing party TONITE remember!

COME COME COME COME COME! i have some fresh zits on my chin for you to look at, snakebite zits.

painted it anyway, i’m sure someone will take pity on its fucked up leg, someone who smokes lots of weed and is missing eyeballs perhaps?

butterface is now complete.

i didn’t want to change my blog around today so i could work more on art which actually means yes i want this extra procrastination gift so i let the nerdery convince me of taking the leap today but i at least have come up with some new painting ideas. (in my head) (in the shower) (like half an hour ago) last minute creation has always been my style. give me weeks and weeks to obsess and stress and fear and be uptight over some thing i’m supposed to do and then the nite before/day of i’m sitting on the couch hunched over like a crazy spazz.

wow. disgusting. i’m disgusted. “you” “people” “are” “disgusting” “wild” “animals” “holy” “gross”.


not one, but two, TWO!

now here’s the first:


get it right! it’s A-isle. AISLE! a-i-s-l-e. unless you are talking about the Isle of Man, (which you are not) PUT A FUCKING A AT THE BEGINNING!

and now the second beef, sorry i gotta say this cos some of my mates (you know who you are) do this, and i can’t let it go anymore. i am going to type it in italics to lessen the crushing blow a bit when you read the following sentence:

2. whenst posing in pictures, making the BULLSHIT (or devil horns, rock on! whatever you call it) insignia with your hands (in the style of heavy metal, wrestling, and/or monster truck rallys as well as situations encouraging utterances of fuck and yeah!) ISN’T COOL!

please stop it. you are not hardcore, i am not afraid of you or intimidated by you and your “good time(s)” so kindly refrain from making me laugh because you are NOT a comedian. oh and ps. last i checked you weren’t metallica either.

you THINK you look like this:

this guy can pull it off.

but REALLY, this is what you look like:

this picture is actually titled rock_on_allison.

now don’t make me bring this up ever again.