Death by cool

I better learn how to dance with a wig on before my next show which will def see me with an even bigger wig on, piles and piles of hair I am pumped. Burlesque continues…

Ron Sparks is hilarious, I think I like his voice so much that it makes me think he is funnier than he is. He IS funny but his voice is boomy and very deep, leading, and when you hear it you are like oh, here comes a joke he’s saying something! Meanwhile he is just asking about set times.

Cutie cartoony Pastel.

Unreal body.


Me watching Red Zeppelin.

And losing my shit with appreciation. Look Bechnique. And a hipster. Part of Batman too. He’s gone viral eh, good work Alex and Sean Ward!


Maria Juana is amazing.

Cheeky gal.

Excellent, excellent.

At least 30 people have emailed me about this on youtube. Yes thanks I know I was there. Okay fine here it is lazypants. I’m at the end.

Jesus Christ! My parents are dead! Many good parts in this.

Nice splits!

Dayum I got a slammin’ bod.

Part of my first dance involves throwing a glove and I didn’t want to hit this fan up front in the face with it so I flung it to the side a bit more. I flirted a lot with that guy and his gf/companion had a great time.

All comedians hate each other.

And are one another’s biggest fans/cheerleaders and critics too. I like to cram it all together in to one giantly confusing clusterfuck. People say I have yes men and ass kissers, guy, that is so false it isn’t even possible to use me my time is very precious to me so I don’t know what the hell can be expunged except for infamy by association, free concerts and swag, good times, high fives and hugs. Trolls deserve to feel like jerks because they act as such and look at me, look at who I associate with. Characters, freaks, eccentrics and misfits. So am I too, that doesn’t make you a train wreck to live your life exactly as you want to. Collecting weirdos along the way. I choose that life over that of the un-special majority with the samesies lives watching the samesies programs (that I also watch so I’m not all that different) talking the same shit about the same everything. I wouldn’t even wear thin braided hipster headbands because everyone was doing it, or spectacles. I only wear the ones I found because hey, free specs and they help my old lady vision, are prescription and mask eyebags too. It’s dying out more now, watering down, so it’s okay to wear hipster specs ok BUT DON’T GET GREEDY WITH IT. I have all kinds of cool rules. Which btw is a key component that I apply to my life, one, being cool. Forever. It’s not about looks, it’s trailblazing originating, being of the moment, relevant and so forth. I can age yeah sure and get fat and uglier, but I will still maintain my cool, if it kills me. Death by cool. End caption. Lol.

Look at that guy, so enraptured. By the minx. Wonder when a story on my life will be made. Oh get over yourself blogs are just one big giant talking to yourself and sharing ideas you ping pong against a wall for entertainment. When you dissect things you ruin them. You are lame. In short. Stop psycho-analyzing life.

Seeing Pastel reminds me to always stretch. It’s really hard to talk to her when she’s winding her torso and gyrating the other half of her body in a rhythmic stretch, my throat goes dry and my voice gets high and I am like, are you, is that, stretching? So hot.

We did a lot of videos yesterday and I am getting a lot better with my cape. We fucked up downloaing them from his phone ugh so annoyed, actual best work yet you will never see. Which is a challenge to top it. Top yourself is one of my slogans.

Colleague says this dance was memorable.

Every time I upload a video to youtube some beast flags it. I have seen WAY raunchier things on youtube, the video in question is presently being appealed because I guess they were like uh why was this flagged? Sigh.

See my Hello Kitty lunchbox? :).

Ooh I want to hear that Taylor Swift song and photoshop myself into whimsical settings with butterflies and bubbles and other dumb shit. Just kidding I just want to hit update and take a pee.

And now bech’s photos.

Baha you’re welcome for the hugemongous shots.

Jules I am size 8 what are you? I bet you have more weird space shoes I will want to wear. These are like the strawberry swirl candies. But what do you expect from a kid still in braces lol.

I see Red’s teeny head.

Bun Bun!

Ron Ron! I’ve had to stop myself from typing Sexsmith so many times you know. I know that guy too.

Chow Mein, Bech, teach and Courtney’s skinny ankles and legs. Teach trying to figure out mystery camera.

I am like see ya dudes. I got a thing to do for a minute. brb.

I am singing the alphabet.

Duuuhoye hahaha.

That was intentional and the split second will last a lifetime now yay.

Not bad White. My arms could be stronger though.

I am looking forward to wearing those with a normal outfit, smouldering. Maybe they can be worn frontwards too.

The bow in my hair is a little bit Disney. Naughty princess. Which one, Belle?

Oh shit this is going to be good.

Perfection. The socks kill me. KILL ME THE BEST!

Phenom. Real Disney Princess Pastel for sure.

Are you convinced about these shows yet?

Come for the me, stay for the them!

I rest my case.

Ooh I just got an idea for a dance.

But on another note how would you feel about a dance to this?

It is my natural inclination to dance to grimy trash and, well I might add. I got in to night clubs underage at 16 with a fake id and this was what they played, at NRG (that place is scary) man dance offs with legit hood rat skanks, I saw a girl shove kick a guy after dancing like a whore around him it was the best she terrified me. You could dance behind silk screens once you climbed these ladders (dangerous and should be outlawed) and so of course we climbed them, drunk, on E, and danced like idiots. The hip hop room was even scarier by far, entrants beware, you will most def get a towel thrown around your neck and then you have to grind your way out of it. Fights like cray, it is a jungle. Anyway, so I know how to dance like a raunchy ghetto kind of I don’t know what. Maybe I will choreograph something to fool people in to thinking I am street and funky to this song. I’m sure they played it at the Falconer reunion. Other classics, Salt n peppa, Dre, Snoop, a little gangster’s paradise here and there and cherry bombs. We were hung as hell. Best party. Falconer what.

Ooh Red Zeppelin, hot mess. Love it. We were all concerned about her pouring honey on herself for fear of stage sticky and she neglected to be oh yeah before even that guys I’ll be dumping suds and water all over myself and the stage. Hahaha oh boy.

What a funny life, it’s fun.

Bunny and I are like, really? Look Teacher it’s me cleaning! Bahahaha.

And teaching Red Zeppelin the meaning of respect.

I can’t believe what is happening and I like it. Me and Red always do a “bit” together on stage as bonus performance art. I like that I have high-end rubbermaid dishwashing gloves on and my white billowy dress looks like a big poof sponge also for cleaning. If I smoke a bit more weed I am sure I can fantasize this entire post as a Beauty and the Beast recreation no problem.

Stressing over Bunny’s gloves. My head lost weight.

Such a temptress.

She’s got quite the groupie fan base.

I can see why.

Wuh-oh pasghettios.

Surf’s up guys!

Um this is taco night on Monday two days later nevermind that.

I know how to twirl it like a mermaid or train tracks. Ha whatever you will see and then get hypnotized.

I don’t think this one was even put on my blog I put it up everywhere else before so now it’s old news. Meh.


Dance von Valentine Vamps

Whattagwan bredren!

Haha this is like Ants or a fairytail pixar flick and I am just waking up from my miniature leaf in Tiny Town Marsh. Fuck do I ever wish that.


Love the whimsical cocoon effect.

Thanks Katrina for the sweet lingerie set. Love it. Burlesque vortex beginneth ding dang ding.

My girls were a big help, I adore them so. Consider a burlesque production to be like moving. You need movers to move, you cannot do it alone. No one likes moving but it has to be done. I am very grateful to my friends and the love is returned don’t you worry BECAUSE I AM THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD lol.

Don’t worry you get a shout out too Courtney! The mystery camera are close-ups because it gets zoomed in and no one knows because it’s a mystery camera DUH haha.

Ha cool. It’s like 2006 in here.

This looks like we are in a bomb shelter bunker at the end of the world THAT IS BECAUSE IT FELT EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

Drink up you will need the fuel energy I am going to have a lot of confusing demands and diva freak outs.

Bad girls go to hell ahhaha nice.

These lanterns were stupid and wouldn’t complete a full 360 degree lantern WTF!

Ron was funny and kept making brand or sponsored by slogans during his sets. “Coffeetime, it’s like Tim Hortons except someone probably died here.” Eeeeeh I howled hahaa.

Serious-lay Red Zep, dang girl.

And now thanks to Jules I have a weird shoes fetish now and am going to fire up some Spice Girls.

Swoon. Now I need sparkle socks too. Like yesterday.

Alyssa! Platinum Raymi Army OG conformist. Secret Salute/handshake coming soon.

Tiny acorn head face ahahhaa.

Ok I’ll shut up now lets watch. I didn’t mean to hit publish yet arg. So many goddamn interruptions today. No one lets me work in peace. MOM!


All eyes forward now.

Yummy Bunny Angora up next.

Maria Juana!

Batman now enemy competition.

Pastel xoxoxo so cute as always.

I saw a $600 version of that dress at holts during my shopping spree once.

Jamba Mamba Yeah thanks guys!

Girl meeting.

Obvs I am loving me some Choew mein.

HAHA Teacher busted.

Like the Cat cows head valentines?

It will be fun practicing in this at home. Good for videos. I don’t get to enjoy my outfits until after I perform in them and the cherry is broken.


Bunny stress face so cute still.

Love the bottoms.

Won’t you love spotting me over the summer dancing to this in the park?

The wizard is in.

So this one’s for Whitney girls I said downstairs pre-show, we learned she died just before we left the house. I told them about what happened they were all shocked. Yes it was shocking, and sad of course. The show must go on. It’s a wake up call. I know too many people who have died in the last month :(.

I am not giving up however. Fear keeps me going, motivated. Trust me a lot of people try and get me down and get in my way. It really sucks and is energy zapping. Rise above I say.

Put yourself first always and if you don’t make any effort in life you only have yourself to blame, not others, not me. You know who!

I want more sparkles and a headdress. My next costume is going to be phenom and the next show bananas and it will get international press you might want to be in town for the sixteenth JUST SAYING LOUD AND CLEAR plus the next day is st. patrick’s day so double party. OMFG THAT’S A FRIDAY AND A SATURDAY. Cray! Sorry cray I can’t quit you yet.

O_O. Picture sure do last longer.

Eye candy forever. Food is here brb. That’s part 1 for now. TV TIME!

Girls from the North Country

Bum Bum Lauren! I don’t think I have one cool family nickname, does anybody?

2 secs for me to jump in the shot. We’re pretty bush league.

I don’t see anything old here, sorry, nothing but hot taught in their prime fresh Chrismas chicks. I bet I am in better shape than whoever left that comment.

Heehehh you can see that I am not wearing pasties here.

Clem burst in to the back and said RAYMES GET ME MORE SPRINKLES. I created a monster, I threw sparkles on everyone, constantly, dumping them down sweaters, coats, scarves, shirts, while embracing, leaving behind piles of the shit it was hilarious and pissed off a lot of people. I had words with the cleaner at the end of the night, tipped him a twenty whilst basically saying now talk to the hand I’ve had enough tonight brah. I paid the girls out and took no cut, didn’t charge for their costumes either, a very Minxy Christmas to you Elfettes thanks for everythang! I am wearing Allison’s braclet in this picture she has a new (doing very well) jewelry business now awesome. Gave away a thong too and fishnets, thank you Ohhh Canada!

Behind the scenes panic room.

One day, I am fat, the next (today apparently) I am too old, naw son, I ain’t too old for shit, maybe you are. The sooner you are to slowing down the closer you are to dying. Hating on someone who is living their dream will not bring you any closer to yours.

Have you ever wanted to tap dance to punk rock with one of those old timey film darlings?

Pastel’s new fan. He came with 5 look-alikes all towering over me and asks Teacher how he puts up with or handles my burlesque. Lots of drinking.

Pastel raisin’ hell.

Quite the tickle trunk back there, Paddy had all her shit in my area and was never around for me to say hey move your crap so I kept having to do that which wasn’t fun. Your stuff HAS to be organized, number for number, otherwise it’s a frenzy of search and destroy until find.

Did that bow ever come off? I was in a bit of a vortex at points.

Bechnique, you should have put a costume on.

Sprinkle fairy! Clem referring to sparkles as sprinkles made me have a giggle fit for five minutes. I don’t know why but I just prefer retarded people in life. I am so glad he came in santa suit, gives you permish to be a jerk all night long and get away with it.

This guy’s friends threw his scarf on the ground and like a good little Elfette I picked it up and twirled it around for him and he was very happy, it washed away his going to scream at friends moment. We keep it Jersey Shore and dance where and whenever the hell we please. Oh my god I miss Jersey Shore in Italy I can’t believe I am saying that.

No elves left behind.

Good score off Red Zeppelin that red thing thanks girl! Very retro Miss Claus.

That’s Red unwrapping herself. I was very impressed by her performances. Yes her name has changed, she’s been getting weirdos ever since this burlesque thing started uh oh, how exciting!

Would you tell this girl she’s too old to dance? She’s a pro and smokin’ hot, we are the same age. A gaggle of my boys were like, Raymi, WHAT IS HER NAME!? It was a really good time Sunday night. Leaving me loser comments about your opinions and feeling sorry for me is hysterical for one and all in the real world who were there. You say so much about yourself when you hate on girls for taking their clothes off for a show in real life and then share it with you on their blog that has been number one since the year 2000 like I am supposed to feel like an idiot now? Oh no I have been exposed thanks to your detective skills and your opinion has REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT MY LIFE. I don’t care if you think I can’t dance. This isn’t the so I think I can dance show, it’s the I know I look smokin’ in teeny g-strings and love Christmas music lets make a cabaret and great material out of it show. Everything I do turns to gold and after everything I do someone feels like a grinch at the reflection of the art I made then blogged and like clockwork, chimes in. I’m sorry you couldn’t get 3 people to show up at your turn at the pole.

Rhonda and her blasted husband George we had them over at the end of this with Brosz7 and it was fun all that etc but should have been in bed. They’re all the way in from Ireland so that requires a good gong show. I’ve been pretty good this holiday season so far I think and deserved a little letting loose. There aren’t many breaks in RaymiLand.

Merry Christmas and go f*ck yourself would be this xmas card caption.

And this one too haha. Elfettes have sparkly claws, insert claus pun.

And now we get loose. Tonight I gotta cut loose, Foot loose.

Kick off your Sunday shoes. Please, Louise, pull me off a my knees.

Jack, get back, c’mon before we crack. Lose your blues everybody cut footloose!

And now we are talking shop about the incident while Amy is in my Raymi la la land kevin bacon vortex which was actually probably the spice girls or something hahaa. Meanwhile, Paul on the left there is totally stoked Kim Jong Il died and owns my painting of him (from 2006!) and he was with us the night we met the kid who threw the thing through the window, I think Clem was too it was a very special thing he did for us lol.

The canes were excellent.

Should I show up to Teacher’s family’s Christmas dinner like this? So, we’re all reading my blog now I guess, hi all meet the REAL ME. Your hot tub better be on lol. I will probably show up dressed like a Ski Bunny.

People just collapse right in to me I am so loveable I don’t know what you are all crying for, I’m more enjoyable than your own best friends!

Amy is awesome. We met and fell in love at the LCBO in LibVille, she was sampling and we were drunk, it was a Saturday bender, summer I think, I was dressed like Malibu Hello Kitty and who the fuck even knows what we talked about.

End of the night, me and Sarah are always yammering about girl stuff basically like, I like you, NO it is I who LIKES YOU! She posted this photo of us on FB and someone said… “holy crap i think my friend’s band wrote a song about her”.

Raymous the famous!

Um where were you two dopes during dance recruitment?

The after dance costume party is when I sneak out stuff from my tickle trunk and put it on drunk hot girls and then get pictures for my blog.

Hey we’re the Chippettes and again I’d like to point out how hot and young looking I am just in case the trolls missed it.

I found something.

Something way better than sprinkles.

How do these get here? Staff after hours ploughing? Hey babe can I keep those I want to hang them up here to reminisce and so I can remember that I had sex here last night.

Excuse me I have to interrupt your ever fascinating irish drunken tale in order to dangle this skanky thong on your face you don’t mind do you?

She didn’t know and it was too late to stop her, luckily crotch didn’t touch lips. Well not in this photo anyway.

TBH it looked brand new.


Hot mess Christmas choo choo train.

Kept busting in on their dance circle in loud coloured outfits and loud coloured mouthing off, it was a gas, then we split two cabs back to the gingerbread house and continued getting polluted and that’s why I slept all day yesterday. I don’t power drink like I used to. That’s basically how Winehouse bit the dust eh. I say you should always drink a little less the older you get.

Red had a date in attendance this night who turns out knew me from something to do with the Globe and Mail days I forget but I am sure this date’s activity solidified things for that dude and Red Zeppelin haha. “So like my burlesque troupe is having a show tonight (and they are totally fucking insane sexy shit shows) do you wanna come?”

Ok I am adding the rest of colleague’s and Tom’s and Little Raymi (erica’s) now. These were all Mystery camera for the most part, did you have a nice lunch?

Brb I have to damage control shit with Mrs. Claus. It was a May Pang kinda thing the Elfettes, you know, but now she’s a bit cranky. Google John Lennon/lost weekend if you don’t know what I am talking about.

Stalk to me baby

Ok fucksticks lets do this again. Help me decide PLEASE.

Poster 1.

Poster 2.

WHich poster do I choose?
Poster 1
Poster 2
Free polls from

Your reward is this this:

I am not even going to watch this. Yes we are blasticated at the Old Mill. Yes this is my mom and godmother and I. Not sorry. Double Birthday Scorpio whammy.

and now I have to figure out which shot I haven’t blogged yet. I shall do that now.

Rehearsal, remember (no judging), this is as much teaser as you’ll get, so lots of dumb talking and brainstorming. These vids ar teaching aides. You’re welcome for sharing and welcome to the creative process. I am PSYCHED for this. I am giggling in the beginning of this uncontrollably cos in the last take I tornado twirl ninja karate chopped the hell out of Bunny. We DIED laughing.

Brb with pixxx. xohoho.

Ps. meanwhile my new fav Valentine K shirt arrived by way of personal hot girl messenger Charise #ballin’ #flossin’. This chick and I got history, elite history, which trumps all gimme-gimme social media bratty jealous expectant competitiveness hand outs, fyi. Charise is my homeboy, and I know I got some hot shots of her on Mystery Cam.

This shirt is cashmere. get used to it cos you’ll be seein’ it lots lol.

The people vs. Jessica Rabbit

Teddy bear nappy time.

I wanted her to win!

Paddy’s friend went as an internet troll, that ugly dumb mask.

Look at me climb the thing at 1:30 I remember thinking at the time it was dangerous, when I fully extended my legs and stood up IN heels clinging to the tiny bar but it was Iggy Pop of me and I don’t half-ass a thing. This is how we opened, walking through the crowd and playing with them, it was fun to be in a mask and naked, a major kind of bizarre confidence and forcefield surrounding me, horny awe from the patrons Hehehh.

Red Velvet’s Jessica Rabbit number. F-O-X. I am SO jealous of Pastel Supernova in this video getting to motorboat her.

Oh Red Velvet, you’re a prize right down to your foot tattoo.

Jazmin says we are super on point here but also doing it on a flat surface is a luxury, far easier than a wrestling ring. Which, we also nailed. Except my underwear shows at the end of this because I am a loser, of course. I am Liz Lemon. I couldn’t feel my dress from the gloves and I needed double sided tape I suppose. You can hear people criticizing, comparing and judging us AHahaha.

Oh my eyes so lovely rolled back in my skull like that.

Look at how much she looks like her!

My body is covered by the cat ears. Nice!

Mom don’t you dance like that? That’s the Kerouac groove.

I wanted her to win!

James Photobombed all my shots with the girls. That’s our Pastel Supernova on the left there. I missed her performance boo :(.

I love this generation, look at the p0rnographers. I’m getting stink-eye in like every photo too.

Paddy did Glory Box and smashed out of this robot box YEA!

It was a tribute to my shaking Beth’s hand at Portishead a few weeks back. That’s the Black Swan beauty helping her.

So funny and then hot. I’ll post the Set List and then you can see how insane we truly are.

I fall down the stairs at the end of this, Haters, Elyse, you will love it. Teacher goes, welp, I know what video I’m showing the boys today. HAHAHHA.

Coincidentally we both had asian themed dances, I did Kill Bill’s Ninja. Will post another time this is overkill enough.

Also got Jazmin’s rumba ooh I’ll listen to that album today, soca zoomba music dance cleaning party with blog slave.

I’m a sexy nice dictator.

Pastel in my pink nightie thing looks way better on her. I think I look crazy in it. Maybe with a Valley of the Dolls wig.

Out of all my costumes you’ve seen, which one should I sport out tonight?

Pastel gave me last minute tassel swinging advice. Bounce and shake, bounce and shake. I want to get a small C cup I think it would be good for business, I could give a fuck about confidence (or your opinions on the matter) I got enough of that already. I have two more years til 30 I may as well stretch them out. Seven grand is a lot of money though, I need a sponsorship. Will blog for boobs.

What a legend!

There’s a mega poster behind bar of this. I can’t wait to see an xmas burlesque poster.

More stink-eye and I look like the Queen and that’s not my arm.

Can’t tell if that’s a hipster costume or a hipster or a costume.

I look like I am flipping someone off.


K blog slave is here updating periodically.

Look I was voted best dressed at the brickworks picnic I went to by Toronto Standard.

OK brb i’m going to post my pamela anderson baywatch bathing suit photos now.