Please put your chair in an upright position as we clear for take-off.

Ok I’ll head to the cabin and tell the Harth boys then.

This post is going to be a little of ridiculous, it’s many days since the event so lets see how good my memory isn’t “oh this is me talking to some guy about some-thing” times 300 pictures.

Like, who is this guy and why am I holding on to him? Ok I am going to start making shit up now.

Talkin’ strategy. Ok you walk around in a circle for a little bit and flirt with some nerds and then I will follow suit.

Clem always comes to my events, appears, then Houdinis, it’s funny.

I need a pasty sponsorship.

What’s up Curtis Santiago. We go way back. I’ll unearth a picture to illustrate.

I have always been cool, have you?

There’s another goodie ok as we were.

First glimpse of Andy and I lost my fucking mind. #rules.

Are you guys looking at klout scores? Oh right, they all dropped this night too which was icing on the cake for my personal enjoyment. Ahh “relevancy” and influence, you can’t measure that shit, get it yet? Told you all along it was bullshit.

Asking if I should switch my tights like one snag away from destruction.

This is the part where I brag about my teeth. My grandmother always mentioned my teeth which I never showed because I was embarrassed of my gap, which closed as I got older like my mom’s and thanks to never teeth smiling, I got no laugh lines or as many wrinkles as phoney whole life smilers. BURN!

Trolls always try to bring me down by saying I look haggard to take my powers away, ok well, lets see what your disgusting obscure faces look like then.

I have an oily T-zone like my mom, one vital reason why I am going to have nice skin forever because the grease lubes my face so like, I don’t plan to stop blogging any time soon which means more photos of myself as I age, I am just exhausted in advance by all the negative things that haven’t even been said yet because people get desperate in these times and attack a woman’s age when she is doing well, to take the specialness out of whatever achievements she has and it is pure bullshit cos I may have tired eyes sometimes but I am a lot prettier than some younger than me, doing nothing, for years. Nahmean? This is totally high school forever. Also, if I were a man, what I look like would be irrelevant, hey look at him putting that party on, way to go. But would you look at his crow’s feet OMFG! right?

That’s a good eyebrow arch.

Here we go.

False alarm.

The roller babes had a blast, I love that they came and I am a genius again and again for scheming this one.

She wanted to lift me, I envisioned a mighty cast on my leg for months, no thanks. I would like to learn how to rollerskate though, I can blade, but skates are scarier cos each foot is a car.

Name that girl, Bunny or Jas? No idea.

There was art too.

Me rollerskating with these chicks would make for a good video right?

I lost track of my airline manual so we didn’t get to pantomime with it, it is impossible to see out in to the audience with the spotlight in your face and all eyes on you and act like you’re not frantically searching the crowd for your idiot friend you passed it off to.

It was packed. The haters are trashing on this jam and FUCK THEM because it’s caught the attention of some very “street” people and this is how you party, real people party and everyone was on drugs, it was lovely and quite the varietal cocktail of them too the only thing that annoys me is I wasn’t invited in on that. This is so taboo Raymi oh whatever. I couldn’t even last to the after party at the Drake which I am bummed about but I had something major to do every day last week.

Family portrait!

Misfits. Speaking of which can’t wait to choreograph a dance to this song for christmas burlesque, 48 seconds in. Someone needs to make me a toy chest.

SO CUTE!

This is the best Sears portrait ever.

Our can-can made the music skip, we kept going.

Bunny makes the cutest show faces, when we lift her she looks like a little Punky Brewster I love it.

Happy we’ll beeeeee beyond the seeeeeeeeeea! Holy crapola look at my pipes.

Pointing is so hot right now.

I think Bunny wins for best freestyle solo, what’cha think?

Teacher was like WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUITCASE!? It won’t retract. Wasn’t me!

GLAM! Them’s ma girls so proud!

I have to tape my dress to my body cos I can’t feel through the gloves and at the Bovine my dress rode up because I am an idiot and shit always only ever happens to me! Watch Pure luck with Danny Glover and Martin Short and you will see what it is like. Though Teacher slipped on a banana peel the other day at school and was like really? Hahahahaha.

Bum bum bum. Bum bum Lauren is one of my family nicknames. Yeah thanks.

Andy Milonakis camp were like, when Andy told us there would be a wrestling ring, roller girls and stripping flight attendant chicks we didn’t believe him and their eyes were like this O_O while talking about it to us and I think Jasmine won for getting the biggest horny mob fan club for the night.

Ha ha that skinny thing is my foot/leg.

Oooh cool projection screens everywhere and our airplane! High tech. next time, smoke machine.

Yah party time excellent. I love how profane he was, perfect. Makes my blog look like Mickey Mouse.

My dad did research on Andy Milonakis from the almighty google and says, you know Lauren, he is REALLY famous. Yeah I know dad! Hi DUNCAN!

So we were the first to stay on stage, it was the best when the roller girls climbed in the ring I was really nervous for them but the grip of the ring material made them not slip or bust ankles. Everyone was waiting and hoping the stage would collapse I later learned holy sinister! It is a real wrestling ring whatever that means, the springs must be insano-good-quality. Can you imagine if it collapsed we’d be one of those famous wedding nightmare news stories that eventually get recycled on TOTALLY REAL shock jock tv shows, provided nobody died it would be HUGE for us.

I really wish I wasn’t standing like that.

I’m dancing like your aunt Myrtle in the Hamptons. Too much Sangria! LOL.

The juxtaposition of freestyle hip hop over beats and my slutty outfit when I am a tom girl wigger at heart, the irony wasn’t lost but I didn’t give a fuhk.

Can we get Kiefer Sutherland as our next party celebrity?

And then the shit show begins. I take that guy’s glasses and put them on and he dances with me. I was also pretty nervous, lots of eyes on you, judging and vibing out, jealous? Feigning boredom. Oh please.

Now that I am used to being more naked publicly I think Ill be goin’ places. Naked is armour, ultimate balls. Talk a good game all you want but if you can’t take it off, homey, move out the way. All anti-feminist remarks disallowed.

Nice shoes Sean.

PACKED.

I planted myself near Andy to get as many photos with him as possible.

Celina and I are ex old roommates, the original Adventurehouse with Lucas. Oh man, the stories and parties. Bahahhaa. We have the same sense of humour so dancing with her to Andy Milonakis was surreal and hilarious what a trip. All the gals had a blast.

What? I’m busy.

Wowch.

This little chicklette is the one who ripped my other thigh highs.

She is lucky I threw an extra pair in my carry-on.

Joey!

All the circus freaks came out of the woodwork.

I helped my roller girl friend here mooch a drink off Colleague. Heheh.

People complaining about no free drinks here have been spoiled rotten by the scene, do yourselves a favour and BUY yourself a highball of reality, not everything in life is VIP. Nor are you.

We were all born equal, you want a free drink? You fucking earn it.

Ok to be continued I am bored now.