westbound yesterday for a dermatology appointment (if you haven’t been following i have/had a keyloid cyst on my shoulder) and for the fourth (fifth?) time now had it lasered and injected with collagen? this time a different technician did it and she injected me four times, usually it’s one or two tiny injections cos the doctor is a shyster i presume, give ‘em the least bit of juice so they have to come back for more and more treatments and he makes more money. this time the area is actually bruised blue/purple, which is good. the cyst has morphed into two now, one section is flat the other puffy. sitting in the waiting room i felt super guilty and frivolous and selfish cos i was surrounded by people with terrible skin and here i am getting this minor insignificant thing zapped on my shoulder.

then in the doc room they have new monitors fitted showcasing all the treatments they offer: ear pinning, botox, lipo, lifts, tattoo removal, everything. totally mesmerizing watching that screen and i dunno, being that close to it you’re like well it just seems so easy and doable. of course prices don’t flash across the bottom but still, momentarily you fantasize about it putting the costs out of mind.

except for when you go to pay for your minor little procedure. so far i’ve paid 110 + 63 + 63 + 63 + 63 and while i see slight change, the thing is definitely still on my shoulder and it isn’t guaranteed to go away completely. my advice to you is to never ever pick your skin. alright enough gross.

crazytown weather yesterday.

saw district 9 on tuesday, loved it. there are actual funny parts, not at all what i expected and the way it’s presented is pretty unique, and clever. i also predict a sequel. these are the flowers in the indigo bathroom, whoever’s in charge of these is definitely a dreamer.

um likewise for whomever wrote this.

the gap’s bandwagon-jumping on the coat tails of woodstock’s anniversary. shocking, i’m shocked at you the gap. introducing 1969 what exactly?

nice try photoshop (check it bigger) in proportion legs much?

capicola pizza from martinos.

they didn’t have any chickens that day so i got pad thai. their menu is hilarious to me, thai and italian and indian and canadian, yeah sure ok. the bbq is amazing and for a 1/4 piece it’s just 5 bucks.

admittedly, fil is way better at this hiding the little gay friend man game than i am. (he’s gay because he’s a grow a gay best friend thing someone asked once)

he’s dirty because he was previously hidden in the espresso grounds tin. after that i stuck him in the kosher salt but the moisture from the cold grounds (freezer) made the salt clumpy so i abandoned it then found him in the ice tray.

he’s thawed out now no idea where to put him next. before i had him in fil’s battery charger for over a week and before that for WEEKS he was in the battery compartment of a wii remote courtesy fil. welcome to the funny farm.

speaking of, after watching truth be told: i’m obsessed with my pet we gave cid some catnip.

mental.

then we tramped over to BFF09‘s opening party/show at the Polish Combatants Hall (neat place)(thanks sean!) do make say think was headlining.

yes i took a roll. or 3. crumpler, your bags are nerdy but your advertising/promo is certainly fly.

fil had three of these monster beers at 6% each. someone‘s out to get laced. i had a couple white wines and they tasted like hangover, and were fizzy too why?

really dug on the poster design and merch overall.

did not dig on the snoozy hippiefest. i don’t know why seeing people sitting at shows makes me so uncomfortable, i mean i get it but i, don’t?

to be fair the musician was playing lullaby music.

hung out in the other area and watched the entire video reel thrice over. in this one the guy biked the holland tunnel then got arrested or fined at the end. took him 4 minutes and 51 seconds. other videos effectively illustrated exactly why motorists and pedestrians hate cyclists (couriers) and how people living in the suburbs think city bikers all ride. i liked the village bicyle project film the most, very touching.

tonsa arty hippie new age scenester bicycle outfit dreadlocked people out this nite.

it was also stupid hot and then i started feeling nauseous.

finally. one of the guys in this band is from broken social scene and if asked to describe this act i would say yeah, fully, BSS. great tunes though, kinda wasn’t in the right mood for it. each song was ten minutes long and we didn’t hear singing once though only lasted three songs i am a total killjoy. i really tried, really i did!

couldn’t make out shit.

so i focused on the pretentiously mysterious sort of shot.

damn girl!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

here’s some head shots fil and i took yesterday. don’t laugh!

ths pose is called the fiesta.

this one’s called thick neck.

this one’s serious yet casual and we had to show tattoo so they know what they’re gettin’ themselves into.

hi, yes it’s true i do wear turtlenecks often.

i also loooooove Balzac.

i will not smile.

ok maybe a little. i am late for drama class though.

oh shit it’s the fist. here’s lookin’ at you kid.

ok barf sorry.

what’s that? i got the part!?

i am SO way down to earth you guys.

but don’t forget i can be serious too.

and mysterious.

i am a nice girl.

you’re supposed to wear shirts without patterns or prints so you can be better visualized in whatever role it is you’re goin’ for. i wanted a variation of style poses, kinda staying true to the typical head shot but being myself at the same time, and different shirts for variety also. i did some of the more classic poses too, fist to chin, open mouth fake smile laughing, ugh biography poses haha. also put on this renaissance dress we have recently acquired (that’ll come later) but for now the rest can be seen in this set and the rest will have to wait.

if you need head shots too you know who to call. for rate inquiry email px@philogynist.ca

COOL FIGHT!

alright i wasn’t gonna say anything but then ryan made a post about it so it must be a slow news day or something (seriously the news stories on global the past week have been hilarious HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR TOXIC FRIEND and some other stupid non-pressing issues i can’t remember, maybe something about pipecleaners? kidding) cos this shit is making the rounds again. (lets follow it up with hipsters then twitter ok?) what shit? Toronto-bashing. YAY!

why do i fall asleep every time i touch this subject? is it cos of the side of the fence i’m playing from? or is it really that inane? yes, the latter, totally.

lets argue about lemons vs limes ok go! what why not? that’s because lemons think they are SO BETTER THAN LIMES!

did you hear about this?

Billboard ads in British Columbia for Coors Light beer are being taken down after complaints from Toronto residents offended by the message.

About 30 billboards throughout the province show a can of cold Coors Light and the words: “Colder Than Most People From Toronto.”

HAHAHA great. you know we don’t talk shit about any other city, province, until they cast the first stone, then it’s gloves off but really even then, we still DO NOT CARE and that bugs them even more.

here’s something i wrote back in 2007 about this:

last nite we caught the majority of a movie we had been intending to see for a little while now, let’s all hate toronto. it is very good and very informative. basically the entire country hates toronto because they are jealous and toronto is so arrogant it doesn’t even know it is hated and everyone who hates toronto says yes they would like to live there, and also no one has a concrete reason as to WHY they hate toronto, they just do. they think we think we are new york (yawn) and when asked every torontonian says fuck no we don’t think that, that’s just something teeny tiny tom in timmins thinks, and then it spreads. oh and another reaon toronto is hated is cos of leafs fans? who cares. toronto doesn’t talk about how much it hates other cities yet it is a national obsession to hate toronto. lame. there’s more to be said but you should just see it, it’s pretty funny.

sorry you have to hear about OUR news sometimes canada jesus could you be any more stereotypically canadian? shut the fuck up. where you live i’m sure it is very pretty, and i dig that too, i’m not TORONTO OR BUST (nor is anyone else here can you imagine that!) i love ALL of ontario and yeah i’ll admit there are places outside of this province that are just as if not more beautiful. YOU are the giant babies making this war between us, shoving your mountains and trees and bud on us that we already knew about. groan. yawn. repeat. are we just simply “not allowed” to like ourselves or something here? WHAT IS THE GIANT FUCKING DEAL!

here’s what it all boils down to that toronto is fucking untouchable by and reason supreme numero uno why you guys compare us to new york 24/7: COOLNESS. it’s cos we’re fuckin’ cool. to the bone and your city isn’t (you personally may be but you will never win the fight for your city). you mimic ours, try to, you mimic other cities even, and when it doesn’t pan out for you TORONTO THINKS IT’S NEW YORK is your go-to defense. lazy. how about toronto stands alone with its coolness, it has its own priorities FUCK it’s ITS OWN CITY doing it’s own thing everyday EVERYDAY who the fuck are you you’ve never even been here and even if you did you wouldn’t know where to go what to do to enjoy yourself. it takes work being cool, and effort. you can’t call a cool town meeting about becoming cool, you just is.

do i hate cool people? YES. (real cool people, not poseurs, whom i also hate but for different reasons one being well, they’re poseurs) why? because i recognize that they are likely too cool for me and i will be rejected. do i know this for fact? fuck no. am i cool myself? obviously. but do i still feel inferior to other cool people? yup. and so does everyone else. it is ingrained in all of us that we must be liked, we must be popular and we must maintain that. do other cities fall short of this skill? of course. is that really a big deal? no not at all, you can totally fall in love with an un-hip place and have a perfectly rad time yet populations of those un-hip places still feel the need to slag on the cool out of unnecessary insecurities. stupid really. why can’t you just “be” and shut up about it?

ryan mentioned The smartest response to this would probably be to mention that there’s a town in Alberta that’s literally building itself to look like New York so that it can get more movies there, so if there’s anywhere in Canada that’s guilty of thinking it’s New York, it’s that, Alberta, town.

WELL ISN’T THAT INTERESTING! i seem to receive a gauntlet of troll hate regarding toronto from many a person residing in this particular town too ha ha.

sorry about your inferiority complexes, guys, it sucks being the nerd at the party i know. well, actually i don’t know so whatever maybe get over it and leave us alone. true i do know a ton of irritating toronto people, and actually you know, these people aren’t even toronto natives so i guess it’s all your problem. likely the most annoying of toronto cold shoulders you’ll receive here will be from someone NOT from toronto, or ontario. seriously. i know i am pretty accommodating and nice to newbies here and when my friends complain about toronto yet live here, guess who the first person to tell them to shut the fuck up is? yes, me.

basically, neither of us will ever win. don’t blame everything on toronto ok. you suck because you suck, that has nothing to do with us.

oh and maybe you should actually stay for a week before opening your stupid fucking mouths and no, scarborough doesn’t count. or mississauga.

as a nation we collectively get enough grief from our retarded southern cousins so why add to it?

one more thing, i’ve met SO MANY out-of-towner snobs here like they come here just to hate on toronto and have their defensive backs up the entire time, total dark clouds surrounding them too and totally boring and abrasive. fuck off, leave, and keep dissing toronto from afar you whiners. so glad i wasted my time being nice to you.

another funny point about people comparing toronto to new york is such people have been to NEITHER city as well, people from new york come here and KNOW firsthand that it is nothing like their city.

in summation: you are fucking stupid.

hello friends.

good thing i decided to curl my hair eh. curls plus heat is a no go.

couldn’t wear the gypsy throw out in the heat wave.

bumped into tim totally baked mowing down on a quesadilla from a new mexican joint in our hood, score!

say no to drugs, indeed!

stupid move ten thousand. this was a discounted boston cream cake. i threw out all the strawberries the next day cos they just smelled foul. this thing is still kickin’ it in the fridge and fil won’t let me throw it out cos he is making his way through it even though it’s totally making the fridge smell. boston cream craving has so not been satiated as this thing was garbage. basically i just need a can of custard and a tub of chocolate frosting. they also wouldn’t let us into the lab for 3 dollar jacks cos of it and now fil doesn’t ever plan to go back again. seriously we can’t come in cos i’m holding a cake? losers.

you are not people.

there’s a second flash in this vid where you can see my naked reflection in the tv.

threw some parm in there. unnecessary.

the selection of dips at G’s was pretty dismal.

the great idea about nuking pesto is burning the roof of your mouth with hot oil and having huge blisters to pop and stingy roof mouth for a few days. also eating this and watching the second half of The Haunting in Connecticut almost made me barf, it really did. that movie just made me straight nauseous, the ectoplasm and other dirty shit ugh sick. i was going for a piece of cucumber then something went passed the screen (startled me) and it flew it up in the air and rotated like a pizza pie and landed back in my hands. after that i was like fuck this i’m taking a shower i hate this movie tell me how it ends.

dinner with cid looks like this. i totally love cat hairs floating around my plate. way appetizing.

so lazy.

i drew this last nite so if a bruise should appear on my right arm i know how i got it. raymond (everybody loves raymond)(i have gotten fil into this show finally we’ve been watching it a lot) started a bruise journal too. so far there isn’t a bruise there, but it might come, i am very delicate.

kilgour’s last nite. fil went there saturday when i was out with the girls for angie’s stagette (those pics to come) so i needed to have wings last nite. i like medium not too saucy, i don’t like the heat to overpower the flavour of the delicious grilled essence. so i got 6 mediums.

while fil ordered 12 suicides and i had one and of course we fought over it. he says if he wanted eleven wings he would have ordered eleven wings or if he knew i would eat one he’d have ordered 18. dear guys: YOU ARE FUCKED IN THE HEAD. also, selfish and you have food issues too. i share everything and it phases me in the least.

example:

when we go for a slice of pizza, fil gets an apple juice. me i don’t order a drink cos 1. im cheap and 2. i don’t drink drinks, i just need a sip and i see buying a bottle of water as a disgusting waste. does fil save me a sip of apple juice by the time im finished my pizza? no. am i in the wrong here? apparently. this is fil: IF I WANTED AN APPLE JUICE WITH A SIP MISSING I WOULD BUY ONE. why do guys need the entire fucking bottle? are they allergic to sharing and manners and generosity?

i wore jogging pants turned shorts and felt like a giant slob and fil pantsed me five times. we saw KZ and cory go to the bathroom but pretended we didn’t cos they didn’t see us (plus we were mowing down on wings and had sauce mustaches) but i did wave at kz and thought she saw but didn’t oh well there did my part lets go haha. i was like she is going to see my blog tomorrow and be all HEY WE WERE THERE TOO and i’d be all yeah i know we saw you IGNORING US.

sunday and we’ve got a date with the pool.

my glasses fit over his glasses, the sun was blinding him. yeah right you just wanted to look fabulous.

been into the extreme close-ups lately eh.

i’m sure these passengers were lovin’ the show. when you pass a bus on the highway do you sit all rigid and stiff, like put on a bus act cos you’re hyperly-aware of the possibility one person is looking at your legs and arms oh no how do i sit like a normal person is this how i’m supposed to look to them? jeez relax much apparently not.

i will angle my legs like so to let that stranger know i am casual, care-free and have a loose attitude omg why do i even care!

blythe is gettin’ fuzzy. she’s chalky from the anti-fade tattoo sunblock balm.

ugh me and my stupid wave ha ha so cool.

gator likes to be floated around, he drops the ball then you float to it so he can be a tough guy and attack/retrieve it. repeat 400 times.

sunday was the hottest.

rusty is not a water fan.

i sprinkled the guys with a little bit of water from the noodle gun and in their stupid minds that somehow equals dunking me underwater. dear guys: IT ISN’T A WAR PS WE ARE GIRLS GET A CLUE. i threatened bryce with my mystery threat that works on fil every time “i’ll do something you don’t like.” he said he didn’t care. telling him my hair would turn green convinced him to leave me alone. why do guys have to dumb and dumber it all the time though seriously? when lauren holly throws a teeny bit of snow at jeff daniels he packs a fucking ice ball and whips it in her face then snowjobs her and drags her down the fucking hill wtf.

turbo likes the pool but for some reason preferred being emo in the corner instead.

nice tan.

my baby toe is f’d from dance.

shade seekers.

before i got out they brought out this huge awesome floater raft you can sit up and cross-legged in it or lean on one arm, so comfortable. this one i’m sitting on was impossible to get into that position.

time to get ready for dinner.

awesome skinny mirror i took a buncha noodz. maybe i’ll photoshop flowers over the private bits, my tan lines are pretty deep. perma-white bikini.

fil is pretty much on his way to being blackout drunk at this point.

alicia i tell everyone your token white girl arms in the air dance moves rule all the time and then i break it immediately following.

brad taught me a new pose, the instant face lift/5lbs lighter in the face – when you smile touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

so not drinking coffee here. some joker put a beer bottle in the well.

oh abby. good thing alex got this off before tarley saw her haha. she so loved the attention. the video of it is hilarious cos her green eyebrows move and it just looks so expressive. nick did this. he started to write sting sucks on her stomach but it wouldn’t work.

hahah aw!

then she got a nice massage.

this happened and we couldn’t belive our eyes. cynthia and shari’s dad gettin’ down to notorious BIG.

IN THE RAIN.

awesome.

i made a video of them dancing it’s cute, kinda hard to see what’s goin’ on though. look how soaked my hood is. that was the fuzziest hair nite ever.

i’m interested in seeing how that guy’s wedding video turns out and where it ends up.

thank god for those iphones. musical ADD party is the best party. THIS SONG SUCKS NEXT oh you like that song well too bad you’re not dancing if you want to hear a song you have to dance.

we also had a microphone to sing along, boy that was pleasant.

then i found some confetti and it stuck to our wet clothes so funny. nick (wasted) would not shut up about the confetti how it was his favourite and when would more confetti be happening?

i worried i might get in trouble, maybe it was special sentimental confetti?

i gave everyone a handful cos i didn’t want to be the only one in trouble, then the bag ran out and i went back to those people GIVE ME THAT HANDFUL I NEED IT.

cofield got it good.

blackout! oh just wait, he was so loaded he danced. i told him he danced and had pictures and he goes I DANCED!? yes, AND SANG!

soaked shoes couldn’t even feel my feet, and i was sockless too. those are great woods shoes fyi. actually in one part of my dream last nite fil’s mom was like oh i’ll just throw them out when she saw them wet and i said excuse me these are two-hundred dollar shoes! and then she left them alone. i also dreamed that lindsay lohan babysat me and i realised now once and for all she would have to be my friend i would just have to remind her that she babysat me and i had pictures to prove it.

meanwhile this genius kept walking into rocks in his sandals. after the third or fourth time i dragged him to the tent (1am) i got in took off my shoes and jacket etc and he zips up the tent with him on the outside. i go excuse me what do you think you’re doing it’s time for bed he says oh i didn’t know that was the plan. then some back and forth nagging he goes to bed and wakes up insanely hungover, no recollection of how he got to bed. i had to give him eno and pepto pills and a chill pill.

then the super long sparklers came out. we all marveled the next day over how amazing it was that no one lost an eye or a finger. not exactly a safe activity while drunk. that kid on the left is 18, man, to be 18 again. we all thought he was going to barf. didn’t as far as we know. he asked what the girl with the betty boop tattoo’s name was.

i made that.

and that.

fil cringes his balls off when i reenact this scene for him HAHAHAHA. he was like hey lauren, lauren LOOK at THIS! then twirled the sparkler in one hand and pose pauses, twirls it the other way and poses again. wow that’s great honey! there is a rave glow stick shoved under the brim of his magician hat too.

no no keep going yeah that’s COOL.

aw he just said, “i hate myself.”

i spied a bear costume in one of the rooms in the cottage. it was just a rug. i was planning to put it on too. too bad woulda been hilarious.

alex was doin’ some slow jam sparkler poses too.

uhhm what?

fil was lying there in the tent like a hung loser, he called all of our phones even though i just left to get him a coffee. he texted steve ‘NURSE’ (he’s a paramedic) i get back and say through the tent hey fil how would you feel if i brought bacon back with me? drooling noises and moaning, well, i have better ta-da!

oh my god yes. ha ha you can see fil’s beer from the nite before when i had to drag him to bed. he was pretty bratty about it too, you’re welcome dude. majorly hung, woulda been worse if not for me.

nurse shows up.

things are pretty racy these days in riverdale.

next morning hangover everyone was pretty quiet.

kaine trying to nap it out.

hello friend.

heaven looks like this.

and it tastes like bacon and sausage and fake cheese and egg and butter tea biscuit that disintegrates on your tongue once it hits it.

right before it rained and rained and rained some more.

we had a nice discussion about tea mugs like these. nana’s house staples. i like the extra attention to detail effort put into the inner print.

the nite before nick said i feel like i’m being an asshole, i’m being “that guy” i said dude you’ve been that guy all weekend. fil and nick have been friends since grade 7.

yeah thanks so much for capturing my entire outfit.

wild flowers everywhere. steph would faint from sighing so much.

speaking of. S-I-G-H.

feelin’ real smart.

yo.

kaine’s bouncer war scars. moral of the story is if you fuck with me my friend will punch you until he needs hand surgery.

yeeeugh.

archie, you don’t SAY that you are speechless because if you speak that means you aren’t. fucking idiot.

i love her hair in the first one. oh speaking of i saw that ad for bump-its. am i a loser if i bump my hair up?

this entire comic’s story revolved around a raymi-type debacle. she wears hooker socks and gets shit for it. the moral of the story is, do what you’re told and don’t stand out?

fuck the squares, girl.

meanwhile betty dresses like stephanie tanner.

aw.

the sun finally came out.

old man porch.

then we had to leave cos fil had a show to shoot that was canceled anyway due to rain. i was a little bitter but completely wiped out anyway and crashed on the couch.

hangover rain. this lasted an hour or so then the sun came out and all the clouds parted, it was incredible.

things are slow in these parts today.

still makes me convulsive tremble laugh when i watch this video thanks sarah.

you ain’t a has been if you never was.

makeup drag queen music time

things you can’t say

Best injury

a piece of glass flew into my stomach from my brother swinging a grover stuffed doll while jumping on my bed and it hit the ceiling light and smashed to the ground, i was sitting leaning against my closet door wearing a bathingsuit (kids are awesome) it didnt even hurt that i recall, the glass was so sharp and fine it just plunked in, not too deep. my bro jumped off the bed and out of the room totally frightened he was going to get it, my parents came in the room, picked me up and put me on his bed in his room (glass was all over my floor) and took the glass out of my belly, i was gushing blood. no stitches, and i have a scar now, its tiny.

BANGS O’CLOCK

DT Bistro lunch date

hey thanks dennis

awesome day.

is it embarrassing to call a variety store and ask if they have watermelon and then show up and buy one? cos i can’t like pretend that it wasn’t me who called.

first epic anxiety of last summer way to go loser.

Ryan: haha i saw a fistfight over tom petty once i’m not gonna argue
this dude was like IF ANYONE SAYS ONE BAD THING ABOUT PETTY I’M GONNA PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE
someone went, HE’S OLD AND WASHED UP
got punched in the face
haha people love petty eh

i’ve always had a thing for her

sorry it didn’t occur to you to be interesting on the internet when blogging started.

fixing a hole

WTF

and then this dog from outerspace showed up to hang

this one is still available

jklgweg;pbewvbiphew9tgeyw[

how to fake a british accent for over a month for no reason

what is the laziest most effective non-illegal way to fix this?

caution: white person dancing

POSTSECRETTTTTTTTTTT ripper

hey fucksicles

i was made for this

come see how much of a scumbag i look like right now please

perfect saturday

banned

BJ GAME BOX with sass

you’re all rock stars now in a network town

anyways, your like make ur own fucking hollywood, and i say fuck yeah!

happy birthday martin tweed!

Just gonna tell a quick story here, regarding why what Raymi does is valuable, important

starvation headache

does it offend you yeah?

made nachos last nite

which doll is prettier? you can still cast votes.

fucking dick tried to steal our bikes!

i miss rock of love like a hole in the head.

raymi’s kitchen

i had issues learning to swallow pills as a kid. true embarrassing story. there is nothing more disgusting than a tablespoon of OJ and some mystery white powder mixture floating around in your mouth.

LINDSAY IF YOU ARE READING I SWEAR I AM NOT CRAZY AND I MEANT EVERY WORD IN THE COOLEST WAY POSSIBLE AND NO IT’S NOT BALONEY I ONLY SAID THAT TO MY BOYFRIEND TO SAVE FACE.

so i have this thing where i think i’m really fucking funny right?

steph was very excited about going out on the town with the big girls.

so far she hasn’t written back.

we should make a skit and film it for my blog because i dont think all of toronto is convinced that i am a fucking lunatic enough yet

i love you chunk

i would not shut up about jimmy so embodying charlie bucket. there’s something hugely unfair about party dudes with grey hair, women can’t pull that off. i intend to try it.

uhhh ok?

look it’s me again. (one of these guys actually emailed me cos of this post!)

oh summer that’s it i’m not fucking the rest of THIS ONE up!

are you being gay when you play with your own dick? YOU CAN STILL VOTE!