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Happy Birthday Mum!

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What’s up girl! Sometimes we manage to always be matching, intuitive, freaky, classy, good ladylike style right?

Yo meet my moms! She crazy and fearless as shit!

She’s also a spectacular nurturing Nana, so young too. The Cruel to be kind peanut gallery can say what they like but you can’t argue facts, when it is known that my mom has been there for every single person in my family in a major way at certain points of various crises in their lives, like a martyr, she’s our Mother Theresa and the one you call when shit goes down. She is a professional basket case dealer and thriver? She has earned her party lifestyle as far as I am concerned and I love seeing her live and love her life and I am uber proud of her in many ways.

We fight like mental but we know when to give it a rest. You don’t fight in Paradise. I only gave her neck a squeeze once we got to the airport and Lois just looked away, after 9 days in Miami/Ft. Lauderdale we had each other on perma-desensitized. How I wish I could tell you the juicy reason why I semi-strangled her, haha one day maybe.

Mom I was going to get you one of these yesterday then remembered you had one from this ridiculous photo-set you blogged years ago (I know lol I can’t beat her may as well join her) so I got you leopard print instead.

Was this the day I snapped at the alpha Bay street bulldog woman at Jack Astors? She deserved it. Mom gets trashed on unnecessarily by people in her scene, and crew out of jealousy and this mistreatment makes me want to punch their lights out (and it will happen one day don’t worry) so she encouraged my take down of this annoying bossy woman who felt threatened upon our bar arrival (one last drink and my mom was going home holy christ leave us alone!) and so I let her have it.

Though, my mom is kind of masterful at the passive aggressive pot stirring, winding you up innocently I think this is why we are an entertaining force on the internet cos I am mentally challenged defensive and naive and she needs a lot of attention and will incessantly bother me all day long.

Haha this “tribute” is turning in to a slaying and getting me totally irritated. Ok back to pleasantries and accolades.

Even animals love my mom and she takes photos obsessively, I paved the way for that but she is really incredible at it. I invite her to events cos I know she will do all the work for me plus old men will flirt with her and she will entertain me all night long and with Lois we are unstoppable. It’s her birthday too this week! We are partying this week. Pray for Raymeh.

Young dudes love my mom too.

She goes on nature walks like Rainman and is adventurous, creative, healthy, very healthy.

Awww. She is Kelly Preston hot.

She is an engager and social butterfly and brings a smile to people’s faces, captures moments, gives (unsolicited) advice blabbity blah that cardigan Hailey is wearing was mine.

Her gifts are always thoughtful and unique, stylish, classic and come with a story or explanation ahhaa.

She almost got a photo of Dennis Rodman this night we went out to Blue Martini in Ft. Lauderdale but I stopped her and she should have just done it but maybe her camera is why he bounced, plus the band announced him but we were dancing with him for a bit first.

We had a blast this night, great partier in crime my mom is.

Ew I am fat here.

Even Dan Aykroyd was smitten. Go Tracey!

Her granddaughter is her muse. Their bond is so touching to have witnessed over the years, Hailey tells my mom the most private and “real” things and adores my mom and mom is toughening her up. GAY!

I love that every annoying thing she does to me in life she gets back at her in form of her mom, Eileen.

The way my mom and Sylvia became friends is true to Tracey form too. Syl was one of the bird’s of a dude in the crew which inevitably ended but mom loved her so much said, be OUR friend girl stick around and now Sylvia is in the crew.

I steered them here last Thursday in lieu of the Keg and I think everyone enjoyed that hahaha.

My mom said that gizzard was pinching her. Exact words AHhaahahahhaahahaha! ROFL.

EVERY TIME I show up to meet the girls at the Keg my mom is holding court with at least 5 white collar dudes wrapped around her finger, drunk and photographing her.

Yup.

Even Larry King. Tracey vs. the World in High Def, Tivo it!

I said mom, these are the famous people in attendance at this gala I have the exclusive on tonight, do your thing, and that, she did.

I don’t even know what this is from but I am sure it was a nice time.

Happy Birthday to Lois too! You are the point to our babe-triad. Lets make up a secret handshake to perform when we cheers. Hhahaha. I’m drinking mimosas at my dad’s house right now. Oooh Brutiful!

Thanks to this woman, if I play my cards right, I will be hot until I am fifty. P-E-D-I-G-R-E-E. My friend Rob told me if I was a horse, he’d buy me, when he found out I was a Kerouac. Merci maman je t’aime. Oh my god Speakng of francophone, when Justin Trudeau said I love you papa (je t’aime papa) en francaise at the service for Pierre, I died. So did my mom. We are sensitive nerds.

MILF.

You have competition though. How did I miss this picture. Cool right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE OUT LIKE A GAY SUNSET! xoxox

Saturday sat turd day

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Studius Maximus.

Why didn’t they have cutely-sized sweats when we were all young? Not fair. Crafting my slutty outfits back then was a lot harder, girls today should be grateful.

Welcome to Mall Rats. Got checked out tons today, Teacher enjoyed that. Not. Man, dudes are so blatant sometimes. EGO BOOST AND AWAY.

We had a bag of popcorn in the back seat with us all afternoon to combat crabby. There were certain missions and errands to accomplish and I felt largely that a bag of butter salted kernels would do the trick just fine and an appropriate amount of shotgun thiefing to pepper the day with a colourful sense of cunning pride and stealth to top it off. We just finished playing (abandoning) Balderdash so my vocabulary is inflated to all fuck, you can imagine. Or just bask in, suit yourself.

I’m high on 9 pairs of fresh underwear too, apologies for blogging under the influence. I am out of clean everything. My dad lives near a mall and so, my high-tech fashions reflect that which I cull from mainstream shitty mass-produce merchants because it’s the only time I make for shopping and it doesn’t matter anyway, I am not a label whore. As long as it does the trick and compliments my physique I am fine.

I predict getting lots of mileage out of the Santa shirt and once xmas is over it orbits into irony territory and then it’s christmas again or fallen apart, given to Hailey and then it’s her problem. Much love Aunti Raymi.

I like my new ballet pink sweater. The retail chick was very nice to me, actually, all retail chicks are nice to me in Burlington I wonder why that is, must not get chatty eccentric clowns like me much. The underwear chick at La Senza oversold the hell out of me. Good for her.

I’m bloated. Time for sit-ups. This is an XS shirt and the pants are small. I think the brand itself is meant for tweeny little petite college chicks but then doesn’t everyone gain the freshmen 20? I like to regress plus I never went to College. Augusten Burroughs (one of my fav novelists) wrote that he buys a University T-shirt from every school he talks at or goes to the town of, because he’s a self-made type of success guy. In short, no I will not buy Harvard Sweatshirts, not unless it was for a Playboy shoot ahahhaa.

More scrabble today.

When I get my hair done I get to not bathe and be a dirtbag princess plus I found this dry shampoo spray in a swag bag and finally tried it, magical chemicals what an invention!

Beer store stop in Oakvegas, went ’round the back like my grandfather used to slip in behind the wheel of one of his Caddy’s. Here I am uberly casually enjoying my popcorn. Teacher likes our suburban jaunts cos I ignore his smoking.

Shittiest laid tiles ever. Once I finish this genius post we’re going to watch Bad Teacher. There’s a few scenes from the previews I noticed where Cameron Diaz’s degenerate character looks scarily similar to your hero. Pumped.

Very enjoyable brunch. Good idea us!

Got us Agabi, my fav shawarma ever. EVER. I’ve been a custy for years.

With extra garlic and hot sauce to go.

I was talked out of this other bubblegum pink hoodie that was very Holly Madison but too much so with my hair, in a year or two I’ll go more Playboy brat I think. We’ll see. Who knows who I’ll be in two year’s time.

Family heirloom dictionaries. I come from a wordy people.

Librarian p0rn.

Aristocratical.

Lost my poppy :(.

I like the changeroom props. Is it supposed to stress out the stressed out students more so or psyche them up? I was confused when I first opened up the changeroom, uh, is this a utility closet? Oh right it’s fun! OK movie time bye friends!

Thank Friday it’s goodness!

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Please put your chair in an upright position as we clear for take-off.

Ok I’ll head to the cabin and tell the Harth boys then.

This post is going to be a little of ridiculous, it’s many days since the event so lets see how good my memory isn’t “oh this is me talking to some guy about some-thing” times 300 pictures.

Like, who is this guy and why am I holding on to him? Ok I am going to start making shit up now.

Talkin’ strategy. Ok you walk around in a circle for a little bit and flirt with some nerds and then I will follow suit.

Clem always comes to my events, appears, then Houdinis, it’s funny.

I need a pasty sponsorship.

What’s up Curtis Santiago. We go way back. I’ll unearth a picture to illustrate.

I have always been cool, have you?

There’s another goodie ok as we were.

First glimpse of Andy and I lost my fucking mind. #rules.

Are you guys looking at klout scores? Oh right, they all dropped this night too which was icing on the cake for my personal enjoyment. Ahh “relevancy” and influence, you can’t measure that shit, get it yet? Told you all along it was bullshit.

Asking if I should switch my tights like one snag away from destruction.

This is the part where I brag about my teeth. My grandmother always mentioned my teeth which I never showed because I was embarrassed of my gap, which closed as I got older like my mom’s and thanks to never teeth smiling, I got no laugh lines or as many wrinkles as phoney whole life smilers. BURN!

Trolls always try to bring me down by saying I look haggard to take my powers away, ok well, lets see what your disgusting obscure faces look like then.

I have an oily T-zone like my mom, one vital reason why I am going to have nice skin forever because the grease lubes my face so like, I don’t plan to stop blogging any time soon which means more photos of myself as I age, I am just exhausted in advance by all the negative things that haven’t even been said yet because people get desperate in these times and attack a woman’s age when she is doing well, to take the specialness out of whatever achievements she has and it is pure bullshit cos I may have tired eyes sometimes but I am a lot prettier than some younger than me, doing nothing, for years. Nahmean? This is totally high school forever. Also, if I were a man, what I look like would be irrelevant, hey look at him putting that party on, way to go. But would you look at his crow’s feet OMFG! right?

That’s a good eyebrow arch.

Here we go.

False alarm.

The roller babes had a blast, I love that they came and I am a genius again and again for scheming this one.

She wanted to lift me, I envisioned a mighty cast on my leg for months, no thanks. I would like to learn how to rollerskate though, I can blade, but skates are scarier cos each foot is a car.

Name that girl, Bunny or Jas? No idea.

There was art too.

Me rollerskating with these chicks would make for a good video right?

I lost track of my airline manual so we didn’t get to pantomime with it, it is impossible to see out in to the audience with the spotlight in your face and all eyes on you and act like you’re not frantically searching the crowd for your idiot friend you passed it off to.

It was packed. The haters are trashing on this jam and FUCK THEM because it’s caught the attention of some very “street” people and this is how you party, real people party and everyone was on drugs, it was lovely and quite the varietal cocktail of them too the only thing that annoys me is I wasn’t invited in on that. This is so taboo Raymi oh whatever. I couldn’t even last to the after party at the Drake which I am bummed about but I had something major to do every day last week.

Family portrait!

Misfits. Speaking of which can’t wait to choreograph a dance to this song for christmas burlesque, 48 seconds in. Someone needs to make me a toy chest.

SO CUTE!

This is the best Sears portrait ever.

Our can-can made the music skip, we kept going.

Bunny makes the cutest show faces, when we lift her she looks like a little Punky Brewster I love it.

Happy we’ll beeeeee beyond the seeeeeeeeeea! Holy crapola look at my pipes.

Pointing is so hot right now.

I think Bunny wins for best freestyle solo, what’cha think?

Teacher was like WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUITCASE!? It won’t retract. Wasn’t me!

GLAM! Them’s ma girls so proud!

I have to tape my dress to my body cos I can’t feel through the gloves and at the Bovine my dress rode up because I am an idiot and shit always only ever happens to me! Watch Pure luck with Danny Glover and Martin Short and you will see what it is like. Though Teacher slipped on a banana peel the other day at school and was like really? Hahahahaha.

Bum bum bum. Bum bum Lauren is one of my family nicknames. Yeah thanks.

Andy Milonakis camp were like, when Andy told us there would be a wrestling ring, roller girls and stripping flight attendant chicks we didn’t believe him and their eyes were like this O_O while talking about it to us and I think Jasmine won for getting the biggest horny mob fan club for the night.

Ha ha that skinny thing is my foot/leg.

Oooh cool projection screens everywhere and our airplane! High tech. next time, smoke machine.

Yah party time excellent. I love how profane he was, perfect. Makes my blog look like Mickey Mouse.

My dad did research on Andy Milonakis from the almighty google and says, you know Lauren, he is REALLY famous. Yeah I know dad! Hi DUNCAN!

So we were the first to stay on stage, it was the best when the roller girls climbed in the ring I was really nervous for them but the grip of the ring material made them not slip or bust ankles. Everyone was waiting and hoping the stage would collapse I later learned holy sinister! It is a real wrestling ring whatever that means, the springs must be insano-good-quality. Can you imagine if it collapsed we’d be one of those famous wedding nightmare news stories that eventually get recycled on TOTALLY REAL shock jock tv shows, provided nobody died it would be HUGE for us.

I really wish I wasn’t standing like that.

I’m dancing like your aunt Myrtle in the Hamptons. Too much Sangria! LOL.

The juxtaposition of freestyle hip hop over beats and my slutty outfit when I am a tom girl wigger at heart, the irony wasn’t lost but I didn’t give a fuhk.

Can we get Kiefer Sutherland as our next party celebrity?

And then the shit show begins. I take that guy’s glasses and put them on and he dances with me. I was also pretty nervous, lots of eyes on you, judging and vibing out, jealous? Feigning boredom. Oh please.

Now that I am used to being more naked publicly I think Ill be goin’ places. Naked is armour, ultimate balls. Talk a good game all you want but if you can’t take it off, homey, move out the way. All anti-feminist remarks disallowed.

Nice shoes Sean.

PACKED.

I planted myself near Andy to get as many photos with him as possible.

Celina and I are ex old roommates, the original Adventurehouse with Lucas. Oh man, the stories and parties. Bahahhaa. We have the same sense of humour so dancing with her to Andy Milonakis was surreal and hilarious what a trip. All the gals had a blast.

What? I’m busy.

Wowch.

This little chicklette is the one who ripped my other thigh highs.

She is lucky I threw an extra pair in my carry-on.

Joey!

All the circus freaks came out of the woodwork. :)

I helped my roller girl friend here mooch a drink off Colleague. Heheh.

People complaining about no free drinks here have been spoiled rotten by the scene, do yourselves a favour and BUY yourself a highball of reality, not everything in life is VIP. Nor are you.

We were all born equal, you want a free drink? You fucking earn it.

Ok to be continued I am bored now.

Halloweenis costume photo submish contest

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Costume Contest! $500 prize. Help me pick my photo submission please. 1. or

2. might win cos of Pauly Shore.

3.

4.

or

5. prob too slutty.

Put it in the comments. I think I already know which one I’ll submit.

If you have time check out the Fab Halloween costume contest for what the competition is like, which may help influence your votes. OMG they all suck! Thanks for your help Little Raymis!

Showgirls

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Hey don’t I look like a Juglette?

You don’t have to wear that dress tonight.

Perfs setting.

My bro’s boys cock-blocked and photobombed all night long. I had enough divas in my face so I was mellow yellow all around. It sucks when you get professional, you can’t talk shit anymore about people who deserve it. That’s why we have a little in-the-know clique.

I love the movie the fifth element so I chose this couple to win, The second to this pair was gary oldman’s character and says to me, Hello Raymi, it’s me the guy who works at Watusi (my shitty date bar) do you recognize me oh yeah hi! I love Watusi and they love me over there too, I’m their best customer! If I were a doorknob into foursquare I’d be mayor.

Once ZomboKini goes on it’s party time. It’s tradition for me to wear my zombie bikini at every burlesque show at the bovine now. awwdorable.

Hey Raymi!

I’m not sure how we came about adding each other on here (which is kind of awesome . Just wanted to say…You are deadly! The pics an things you say on your page are amazing. Not to mention your style is epic! Keep everything rolling girl!!

Oh , and yes, I do recognize this is the creepiest message, all time!

Chris

At one point I said to teacher that I would make his other eye match his black eye, in front of the girls, to keep them in order, ahhaha it worked. Teacher is my point person and a vital part of our troupe and knows all our dances. Tough life much? He tells my dad all about Jazmin to wind him up.

Paddy I missed your cry me a river dance, how did it go?

Most confusing lipstick touch up ever.

By the Power of Grayskull gettin’ ready for the ball.

Can Skeletor get a plus one?

My new buddy rules, she used to skin snakes in the south and survived a garbage truck running over her. I do not hang with pussies. She’s also a talented artist/painter and has a very organized apartment. o_0.

As for me I look like p0rn0 Slitherin, Snape?

Started the night like this, it takes a lot of organizing keeping all your costume changes straight, remembering you can’t wear a certain thing cos it’s meant for a further set but the fun thing is hanging out in your outfit after your performance, stretch it out a little.

This got a bit of blood on it, I’ll cut those tutu parts off.

I love theatrical. Teacher said people were being reverential (respectful, quiet) during my blood solo yet the place was packed and it sounds dead. I was nervous but the show must go on, I don’t have time for nerves.

Welcome to the fabulous green room.

Dave (your right) told me all night long how proud he was of me and I was like all you gotta do is start a blog guy and he’s like NO REN SHUT THE F UP it’s more than that ahh wasted wisdoms are my favourite. I will trademark that.

Ha rando, teach went to get smokes and batteries.

Everyone should always come to the Bovine for last call there is nothing like trainwreck freaks all blathering about if you like to send your brain to far off howling hour places aka people who do drugs at concerts with visuals or I dunno, you know? All I’m saying is Christmas show is going to be epic the girls better start doing sit-ups cos I want to re-imagine a Victoria Secret runway with big angel wings. I’m going to dance as a reindeer, snowflakes, the mean girls sexy santa performance rip-off, oldies christmas jams I listen to at my Nana and Papa’s dreeeamy, play PeeWee’s Christmas special, or copy the entire thing. Slutty elves messing with you. I will try to hire some Little People too. Let me know if you know of one as self-exploitary as I am.

At the end of the night it’s a dance party and everyone spills on to the stage. i have a lot of great footage from our last party there, of course. Just too much.

Ew my shoulder haha it’s like texas chainsaw massacre. Poor Red Velvet’s bf (hot chef guy) missed her solo by five minutes :(.

The bikini bottoms are pretty saggy on me now.

Someone’s discarded Jack-o-lantern of course I had to dance in it for a little bit.

That’s Freddy Mercury.

That nurse sexually assaulted me, numerous times grabbing my nay-nay and teacher said her boyfriend said she does that, a lot. Yeah no shit. I have to come up with a diplomatic genteel way to handle these situations. A man said the dirtiest shit in my ear about what he would do to me, to his wife as well and then I put him on stage and she stared up, seething at us. YIKES. He was clueless to my involvement with the bovine, no I am not merely some bloody naked scene-appropriate girl, I’m the headlining act and now, come with me. All the best costumes had left by the time we had a moment to do the prize cash giveaways.

Recovery from the weekend which spilled in to Monday and I ended up going out after all as Pamela.

This one is less vulgar than the last one, which, I am proud of. Every day it is like being a new person the more toned and vampy I become, I am making a monster.

Some other indian thing we ate, we get those pouches you throw in to boiling water. Looks like beans on toast eh? Way better, I hate beans. Gross.

Pasta and sauce, I seldom have pasta so I make sure to have it when my metabolism is high functioning as it is now.

Pam always wore furry raver hats and big shades. Bad fashion and I paired it with my cheesy running shoes, as no one would be looking at my feet but it completes the fitness Baywatch fashionless intent.

Stephen suggested ditching my pants only at the last possible minute, tease them til the end. It was freezing anyway.

Do I keep these feather earrings? Please tell me! Tired of asking!

Good for a performance but a one trick pony? They were expensive.

I don’t look so tired here. Asshole.

Roots coming in, appt today.

I look like my dad as a teen here. I have lots of different looks.

Hahah. I have two red berets so I could make a dance out of that. And now TWO legit lifeguard outfits!

Ok final verdict, keep earrings or not.

So nostalgic for sunny days.

That’s ginger beer over there, I am obsessed with it.

Think how good I would look photoshopped and airbrushed like all professional models in magazines. A colleague said he thought it was impressive that I post all 100% raw material, editing nothing.

My reaction to first slipping this on made me LOL.

Halloween burlesque explosion. Teacher is home today cleaning. It’s part of my present, for what I don’t know. Well, I do. We are in the bubble phase again. Ooh I look ripped and no that’s not a camel toe.

See, err, don’t rather but you know, there isn’t enough camel to warrant a toe lol. Which is why the night of Wolf parade that guy screaming CAMEL TOE out at me was such pure bullshit, I know I do not have a camel toe, it was my onesie jumper. I got bullied by six drunk losers at a shitty party, I’ll find the post, one of the promoters was mortified because they didn’t know they were beaking off to raymi the minx and it was one of the other promoters who joined in the rallying and were all completely in the wrong. Lucas did you ever find her?

No one believed that Henry would ever actually quit.

The cats were really bored without the dog and fought more but also enjoyed their extra attention and grey cat is getting territorial over me when Stella comes near, to protect me from the cat who is protecting me from the dog. Yes it is the funny farm here, come for tea wont you!

Sunday Salvation. It is the day of the Lord after all.

Hot solo hipster brunch dudes.

Gaga wore a mesh suit thing in Telephone. I had one of these at 19 when I was an online p0rno model. Yeah, I said it.

And here my brains are being blown inside out by this height.

Will show you the video. Blog Slave OG saw it and was like WOW I am so doing this in Spring.

Ugly Raymi and Tom. Why won’t they dye her poor roots? :(.

Many essentials. My Godmother slammed in to a concrete pillar after this night $1500 later oh boy. We are doing something this weekend or when mom? It’s their birthdays one day apart. Pray for Raymeh.

Teach got a “leather” coat out of a halloween costume bag and a wig, which looks dumb but maybe I can make work?

OK time to look at some photos we just took. BYE!