HI BEST FRIEND TOILET PAPER.

117. Do I have to make a video to prove that now too?

Ah gad. You can pay by debit now. I am going to order so much shit now. I have never had a credit card in my entire life. I am a baby infant why do you even read this thing?

I am on a strict fast food diet and I highly un-recommend it. I wonder what garbage we will feast on today.

I have the most crazy insane story to share about a woman who screamed at me all dinner long at shoeless joe’s and threw food at me, she was drunk and insane, but that sneaky kind of insane when you’re not sure and in the end you figure it out. I was fuming and starving. Would you tap a sleeping lion? Well she did. I had been getting slammed all day by haters then we went to that garbage restaurant to slum some wings even though the last time we were there we were so humongously dissed I told the owner’s wife we were SO not coming back and meanwhile the guy is playing pool and watching this entire shit going down and doing nothing. I didn’t flip out because I knew she’d skip out on her tab so i gave her my card and said I might write about this incident and you might learn something about it, she was screaming at me that I was a whore, a stripper, my hair dye job made me a zanza (she meant zanzibar the strip club) we stayed in the bar vicinity longer while I screamed at her like Skeletor that I would destroy her and she fucked with the wrong woman. She is the one who should have been evicted, it was a pride war too like I am not leaving this booth that I love because of you so that’s why the yelling was prolonged and I inevitably had to cave. COOL SERVICE! I thought about how violent and lippy I could get without being charged. She THREW FOOD AT ME and then said I threw food at her, we had no food to throw and didn’t even get drinks yet. Impossible. I didn’t make a stink to get anything comped from that owner cos I knew I would rip them to pieces on the internet instead. I was seething and shaking with rage all the while this piece of human garbage (who turns out left behind jail papers, IS a thief) spat vitriol at me and made us afraid like the dude she was with might beat us up, or take Teacher and therefore I couldn’t spit on her. She had her pint in her hand and I knew she would slosh it on me, she held it wobblingly menacingly. I was like is this happening?

We went to the other side of the restaurant and she continued her tirade. She was on a date in there earlier, that dude left (rejected) and she cozied up to a stranger, desperate and gross, who was rubbing her fat stomach that was out in the open when we sat down by mistake right there and she looks over at me sneers and says JEALOUS!? In this drunk and skanky sailorette voice. I stared fire at her while she continued talking at me. I was rage level starving already and we had a nice walk over together and were happy about our decision to drink hurricanes on wing night.

And I actually wasn’t going to write about this incident because I have been shrouded in negativity lately it is making me sick. I live tweeted all of it cos I was just flabbergasted. A lush came in, her kind of person, they shake hands and then I watch and hear her loudly cuss me out to this new guy. Unbelievable. No one is doing anything. I already know and have a complex that I set people off. I already screamed at her that she was a cunt and should do some sit ups and to KEEP EATING (she had food all over her mouth) and got up in her face, a table of frat boys all got up to watch it, it felt like the restaurant was on our side but I wasn’t sure because still no one was intervening other than the bartender, and just barely.

And so, like in every situation like this, I turned in to my brother. I slipped my last business card in to my pocket, I went to the bathroom, I informed teacher I had some unfinished business to attend to. You do not fuck with the minx and get away with it. I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do this and all signs pointed to danger and red flag but I am not a pussy, I was shaking from nerves and adrenaline while I washed my hands in the sink in that shit hole bathroom. I walked up to them, pressed my card into the bar in front of her and said now I may write about this blabbity blah and I’m better than a stripper I am a burlesque dancer. The dude had already apologized to Teacher in the bathroom, I made him follow along behind to investigate, so I walked back to our table, took a deep breath, turned around and marched over to her. She had her pack of smokes in her hand put it down, picked up my card and smushed it into her dip. She was previously making fun of me saying I was a writer.

So, I said in to the back of her head You should totally read it, I’m not sure exactly because I was in the middle of punching her! The very thing I didn’t want to do. It was a teeny charlie horse, meant to be a tap like hello because she didn’t look at me once but was going bwah bwah bwah or something. The beauty was, everyone ignored that I did it but so must have known. She went bananas of course but no one had her back, like I knew they wouldn’t. She screamed for a solid ten minutes all kinds of hysteria about me to the bartender while I watched smugly from the diningroom and every time she barked at or lunged toward me I cupped my hand to my ear and pretended I was deaf and confused. And then they dragged her ass out of there. And then they brought her papers over and I took multiple photos of it and then my server said who cares I am quitting after the holidays. At certain points I was mulling over whether we would dine and dash but I didn’t want to screw over this kid. So I gave him a big tip instead.

Don’t scream obscenities at people in restaurants and leave your jail papers behind. Teacher said to her to get some self esteem, she was queen of the bar before we arrived and then felt threatened, I didn’t even have a chance to give her stink eye, my ass was not in the seat 2 seconds (I am not even exaggerating) before she screamed JEALOUS!? at me.

Then I went home to more haterade from the internet and woke up to some more too.

Peace!

Kay so this dude, a teacher dude, scholarly professor type (educators seem to be a big Raymi Groupie subset of people) taught a portion of his course on me some time ago (yes for real). I don’t know anything about school (was that the right terminology, course?) because I am the golden child who has floated in a cloud bubble blogging from outerspace free of having to learn anything more, we cannot possibly teach her anything more! Is what they said, set her free in to the world and we will study her instead!

And that, Little Raymis, is what they did.

__________________________

Hullo Raymi,

Sorry to take so long answering your question; got a little caught up on a project. So, here are the answers to your questions:

>>Raymi: how many students failed raymitheminx 101?

Well, all and none. The class introduced upper class and graduate journalism students to blogging as a medium; they had to create their own blogs to pass, which they all did. By a coincidence, all the students were female. All of them envied you your voice; you have an unmistakable style as a writer, a photographer, and — unusually and interestingly — as a photographic subject. In fact, the only person I can think of who was consistently successful as a model and a photographer was Tina Modotti, who modeled for Edward Weston. So they all passed the class, but I was disappointed that they all chose to do more basic “news” style blogs — they stayed where they felt safe.

>>Raymi: Oooh email the question if u can remember ill get my readers to weigh in, myself included

I do remember the question, partly because I keep asking it as I read you. And partly because there is no “correct answer;” so I change my mind about it all the time:

They all blogged answers. Suffice to say there was no consensus. I’ve always wanted to hear your answer.

Ok, here goes.

Firstly, I was flattered that they envied my voice, which, truth be told, is addictive cos you keep listening and then I say something deep profound and insane and it takes you away. Maybe if I talked about nicer things with this incredible voice people would be cooler with me?

No Raymi is definitely not performance art, I am a shitty artist. I’m not bad I just half-ass my talent and that’s probably why I didn’t bother with University. I am super lazy and I figured out that being hot would help me get places and do the work for me so I put effort in to that. Call me vain or narcissistic but look at everyone who is famous, are any of them ugly? If they are then they got there someway by perhaps nepotism or they’re just super talented. You don’t need to be all of everything 100% you can have portions of various qualities and smush it all together as one. I pay attention to detail, I am thoughtful, considerate and articulate. I have been on the internet since I was a teenager, ahead of the curve or just right alongside there with the over achievers, and adults.

I am a cunning little minx and everything I have learned I taught myself, that real life experience shit. I chose the other door so, I have spent the majority of my formative life on the internet, more than the average person has. I am conversational on it as a result.

I am fiesty in real life like I am here Raymi and Lauren there is no difference between the two, one just gets a little shier in the limelight. I never stop, this blog does not stop when I am not blogging. I am a thinker and always scheming. I see opportunities in every corner, in every hate email, dance floor moment, person in the street. I take chances and I am fearless when people think I am being crazy and yelling at someone in a bar I have actually quickly on the mark sized up my opponent and methodically calculated that if I pounce there is an overwhelming chance in my favour that I come out unscathed. That is the type of person that I am and it shows on my blog.

My bark has bite and I likely have a teensier bit more testosterone than the average bird so I can make cheeky game moves and because I am an obsessive entrepreneur here I am constantly chugging out material/life/content at a frenetic pace that if that crazy thing I did back there was too retarded, we have already carried on to the next thing.

I am not here to be anybody’s hero other than my own. A lot of people read my blog because I am good at making them stay and come back for more, whatever those polarizing reasons may be, so then I get to say all kinds of verbose ego-stroking things and get shit-faced with my friends and brag about it because I know they’re here watching waiting and loving it. I am not hurting anyone I don’t feel and the more the merrier, I enjoy all walks of life, freaks, geeks, who cares just be nice. I only ever blow up when attacked and/or provoked, which is constantly.

In summation, the only time this is performance art is when I go out and conquer a fear even though I am shy and dying inside I force myself so that I can blog it because I would hate the type of person I’d be if I was afraid all the time and you don’t get anything done that way. There is a reason people get rewarded for public speaking, or paid to do it, all kinds of bloggy things out there. Diva Raymi is real too, that’s who I am right now. I’m a showgirl, an originator and entertainer, nice to meet you.

I created this monster and now I must slay it!

Remember this comment from this (NO BIG DEAL) post, well she just emailed! When it rains garbage in the form of “two cents” it pours. I wrote to her email the following ten days ago:

Dear hypocrite

xo rlw

And now, 10 days later, she feels like responding:

Wow! I’ve read the comments on your post since I commented and people are saying this is your sense of humour, but I don’t get it!

You just seem mean to me!

What did I do to you? I was only (so I thought) trying to defend a graphic designer. Was my comment really that ridiculous. Sheesh!

I guess when you’re ranked so highly (whatever 11k means…) you don’t need to be nice to people who read your content and try to offer feedback.

Sorry if my comment offended you, I was only trying to stick up for an artist. (Again, I didn’t know he was your friend).

MY REPLY:

You made a dig and i reacted accordingly. all’s fair in blog and war, and you made a swipe, on my platform.

sidenote, hes my colleague, all men i work with in some capacity have a raymi crush and i treat them like dirt to keep them at a distance in order to protect myself. sometimes public punishment is required in good fun and is part of raymi the minx. its a dog eat dog world and competitive industry, a chip is required on one’s shoulder and trust me i get it all back in spades (the “mean”) so when shit is flung (which you did) at me i definitely bite back. I work very hard but unfortunately in my field that apparently warrants daily abuse which I refuse to swallow. You were a bitch, the end. You fell in to the minx trap cos you’re a noob hi welcome to the internet and you should learn about internet rank before trying to rip me an asshole or school me and then act innocent.

Oh and by the way, I’m in the 10k rank spot now baby and have been for a week.

Thxkaybye!

+++++

HATERADE EMAIL PERSON NUMBER 2

and then this white trashole fought with me while I was tired and recovering on the couch all night long, I found her (or his?) email buried in my inbox, never fear little buddy Aunt Raymi is here to give you the attention you so desperately need!

Hmmm. So you’ve been blogging for over 10 yrs yet this chick linked below has been doing it for only around 4 and has accomplished more than you…. (Considering she is looking for ‘fame’ like you are)

You must be doing something wrong.

Dear PERSON WHO IS SO TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH iJUSTINE. (who ripped her name off of iCarly so you are both losers and iJustine is an imitator which, I have many of).

there are billions of internet superstars

i have never heard of her before you so shes not so famous then right?

OH OW I feel like shit now hahaaa loser.

Ok I just read over her wikipedia.

she’s of youtube vlog generation aka internet “tv” which is a different genre entirely. again, nice try. if you are a raymi hater why wouldnt you attack me about something that actually hurts, cos this, doesn’t. and you’re wrong, im on tv you just dont know it yet. burn.

Well I’m no hater and why would i try to hurt someone I don’t even know? I expect an apology. Really there is no difference between you and her since you both post on Youtube and she has a blog as well so I was just asking a question considering the reasons ‘WHY’.. Which are reasons you BOTH SHARE.

*You’re too old to be saying ‘burn!’ to anyone dear.

“fake that day” You wrote to me just to talk deal with your obsessive gushing over this ijustine chick. FREAK I have nothing to do with her. Go talk to your nerd gfs at a slumber party while you pick at your face zits.

and too old? baha I bet I look better than whatever fucking age u are and again she has gone video viral she’s formulaic and trite

Repeat: viral video and american is a whole different ball game now fuck off and leave me alone

I don’t care about steve jobs, I’m not a vlogger for ads, or a dumbass actress stooge who was probably coached through all of this we are totally different so your initial argument is bunk and I have been blogging for eleven years get it right hater, commenter, spectator. Make your own shit or be nice or silent, your garbage is an unwanted joke. Bubbye.

When I said ‘Too old’ I meant most people would expect a teenager to use the word ‘burn!’ as you did.

This Is my last message. Have a good day.

I don’t respond well to swipes which is what it was but anyway its just how I spoke in the moment and I get a lot of hatey shitty so there was no other way to not take that as a dig I didn’t know what u meant fuck christ

MERRY CHRISTMAS THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME THOUGH ALL OF YOUR EMAILS ARE IMPORTANT TO US AT RTM HQ LITTLE RAYMI TROLLS.

Now, do yourselves a favour and stop worrying about people on the internet whom you have no control over.

Omg what will We eat next!??! Shower time excellent!

At :57 seconds you will hear a great big smash in this grinch vid clip, then, more glass shattering.

Someone yells out Home Alone when this starts hahaha. Oh and I fucked up the end. Oh well. Ho ho ho!

About 40 seconds in (right as I sling shot my garter in to the crowd, great artistic timing that!) you hear the window smash/shatter/pop and then the show goes on.

Pastel so hot! What a little package! Definitely opening you before Christmas.

Too bad this happened during my grinch solo. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. An ultra Raymi fan did it hahaha ugh. I am prolonging looking at my camera and all video footage til tomorrow, today I needed a much earned siesta. I woke up at 5.

Oh dear. That’s Raymi world for ya. It’s going to be awkward, that next fb chat, so apparently you were calling the bovine all day long about me and remember how you threw the velvet rope stand into the glass window? After you barfed all over yourself and they bounced you so then you threw the thing. I feel bad for the dude but come on. Well, we did meet him at the bovine months ago (he’s a regular) and just allowed him in to the gaggle of us as a kind of novelty but kept a distance and then well, now this. The cops took him away. And there is your fifteen minutes of fame brah.

With fame comes massive irresponsibility. That’s for sure. What I mean is, do I ignore my “fans” and are they fans anyway? How am I supposed to know the dude is a fruit loop? I don’t have time for that shit. And thus, the circle of fame irresponsibility what I just invented. Another one is older dudes who have fallen off the wagon, become clean and then want to be my salvation via constant emails I don’t have time for laden with innuendos and I never asked to be saved, nor did I say I wanted to stop or needed help even. These are the ones who become my trolls, or, many fit the archetype I have experienced over the years. I think I am doing pretty good actually, my arms are toned, I am standing in this iconic doorway with my brand name stamped on my arm headlining a show of my own creation, seen realized before me in a room with all my friends. Quite awesome it was and I am, in fact.

Lol.

Ohh Bunny.

Many more to come tomowoah thanks guys! Everyone who came you rule, sorry for the Raymover today (hey that’s life). xoxo

And now I watch some of the videos while we wait for indian delivery and watch the Survivor finale.

Costume boudoir explosion here! Omg our costumes are dope!

ALL ALONE ON CHRISTMAS – DARLENE LOVE – opening number, all elfettes: raymi red pastel bunny

THE VERY THOUGHT OF YOU – PEGGY LEE – RED ZEPPELIN

MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY – CHUCK BERRY – RAYMI

SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN – BUNNY

JINGLE BELLS (SAMMY DAVIS VERSION) – PASTEL

BREAK

BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE - johnny mercer – RED ZEPPELIN

MERRY CHRISTMAS DARLING – PASTEL

MR. GRINCH – RAYMI

(mini break)

– FINALE – TRIO – IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS – THE DRIFTERS – BUNNY PASTEL RAYMI

ENCORE

Mele kalikimaka – bing crosby – RAYMI

thanks!

Read this flyer. THIS ONE! UP THERE. This is what’s going on tonight. Would love to see you!

Tonight will be a night to remember before the week of xmas hell begins. Hang on to your dream for one.night.longer of self-deluding and fantasy and see your favourite Christmas classics acted out in sexy burlesque it’s going to be redonkufunkalicious.

I better not rip one of my feather earrings out of my ear.

Adding AA over knee stockings and AA green bikini bottoms I am going to wear over this g-string and peel off, eeeh!!

HAhaha my earrings. Yes I kept them.

LOL.

I wanted to throw a banana in to the crowd but I think that would be like, enough.

These gloves ahhh. There will be headbands to match. So excited. How many costume changes? I’ll post the set list.

Kat did you find that extra garter?

I broke one during a performance yesterday oops. 7 chances left! I could sew it back together I guess. Have you ever been kissed by an Elfette before? They’re better than angel kisses. And hey man, I kissed that ginger troll hobo lush horseshoe tavern barfly on the WET BEARD EWWW when I was blasted with my ex once so I don’t think that level of disgusting could be topped tonight so if you catch a garter the Elfette charter states that blabbity blah do I have to keep writing this dear penthouse drivel ? hheheh.

Hair done did. Hope the BD team come by tonight after/during their xmas party.

I am chevy chase in national lampoon’s christmas vacay when he falls through the attic ceiling agaha.

I am going to wear Allison’s jewelry tonight, I guess she makes jewelry now. She’s always up to something.

I’m going to give a pair of these teeny weeny gitches away!!! Fresh don’t worry. Thanks OHHH CANADA.

I love that tutu, it brightens up the room so much I can’t stop staring at it. It’s a soft day glo, trips your eyeballs out, going to look amazing on stage with my feather grinchy pointer/enforcer.

Requisite I am fat comment, that is an xs nightie, tightest sausage making thing ever and the bottoms cut off at my love handles.

Bum bum Lauren is one of my family nicknames. Here is because why.

Dude, it’s happening.

This cat is known to drink from my coffee, or, anything. Stupid cat. I love My Friend.

Sigh. I wish but when the hell else can I seriously wear green elf stripper sparkle shoes and be taken seriously. Nowhere.

Stop forehead furrowing!

Eep. I am going to be doing some serious #girlscaping once Teach gets back with a triple-A battery for my muff trimmer.

Wouldn’t miss it for the world, would ya? I should def dance in these grotesque things tonight hahah I am.

Back to practising my luau.