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OK lets take a burlesque break for a sec here.

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I can’t look!

Here is how I took in the family’s second appearance on MTV Creeps.

We don’t get MTV at home so we went to Bechnique’s, teach met up as we were at the food (poisoning) awards gala ahah. Thankfully I was drinking dinner this night and was saved. I drink more in the winter (shut up mum) because I am a functioning depressive misanthrope creative type and in the summer I am a beacon of health and fitness. I likes ta keep it Johnny Depp. Bech said she barfed a bit though from the (can’t say it or there will be a lawsuit) _____, but I don’t believe people unless I see it I have very strict barf standards only because I am reduced to a shivering crying mess when I spew. I had a seizure as a toddler and ralphed (lauren!) all over the place and I think I am scarred from that.

Are you fuckin kidding me? They had to DIG for that one and they made it look like my vag is out on display, it’s in shadow you can’t see shit here and this was taken during one of those not even skinny periods where I was feeling flexible enough to be able to contort my body in a skinny enough way that was shareable. When is the last time I even showed my nipples here, couple months ago and even then it was one picture. At least show attractive ones why the garbage ones? There is no telling time online I suppose, I have eleven years of image damning stuff so why do I care? I don’t.

My hair was bananas this night. It always is!

Mom trust me I would have loved to take you to task a bit more (she said I was calm) but they script it, totally encourage freestyle banter but have already done their homework and pre-burns. It goes Nice nice MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN kind of nice HUGE INSULT BURN DISS SLAP Nice and Bye!

ChiChi NO NO (yes real name) has balls sitting here when his body looks like the blankets sometimes she blinks and I jump out of my skin (I don’t know what she is and it’s too late to turn back now) because I didn’t even know she was sitting there it’s HALARIOUS.

Here is how I handle reality AS IN NOT ABLE TO AT ALL. Ha you can see what the other half of my freaking out face looks like in the mirror. I am too dramatic for this world.

I thought I was pretty awesome all in all but I still had to watch it through my fingers covering my eyes and hiding.

Except I had two people to worry about.

Sasha’s hot. Ok so now I hear that there will be quarter finals for MTV Creeps AND I AM IN THE RUNNING. Against Tommy Hollywood and Batman and whoever else. It’s for YOUR OWN PILOT. And seeing as I essentially pitched an entire tv show to them during my audition in the ten minutes I told my entire life story sprinkled in my Pitch, I am confident I have a good chance however, Hollywood also does cos he’s already got the ballin’ life style and mtv could just coat tail off of that. Oh man I am going to have to start some serious situation-level shit talking of my competitors pretty soon.

Toronto Batman brought this up on stage at Valentine Vamps and I was all Whaaaaaaaa???? On the mic too it was funny. No you’re funny. Hi. MOM WE MUST WIN. Start training, do push ups and sit in the hot tub more and be cray cray Tray Tray I’m sure it won’t be hard. Thank yew.

Then we got blind stankin’ drunk to celebrate. Huzzah!

Happy vday hangover. How many bad decisions got made last night mes amis? Brb with my makeup winner announcement!

Why are my legs and my torso facing opposite directions? BECAUSE I AM AN AMAZING CONTORTIONIST. Sorry I can’t stop yelling. Anyway we had a bath together yesterday (ew hehehh) and it’s truly incredible how flexible I can be. Teacher said the moral of every one of my stupid stories is I AM AWESOME. Well, yeah and?

Jam of the day!

Someone just said I got style on this video so that deserves a replay.

I can see myself in this video while videoing it which is why I am smiling and gooning over myself okay thanks very much!

Banished from the promised land.

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Hey guys! Happy Valentine’s Day! Here is my gift to you, a bunch of hot chicks (plus me!)(once I’m done posting the ones of me I mean) dancing and rude jokes, yay times!

Les Valentine Vamps.

These are Thomas’ photos, he has a filter of some sort on them. Neat. He won the Team Macho book. That pleased me.

Ho hum. This looks like a sad birthday valentine’s party. I am hanging that sign in the living room after this blog post. So at like 4.

Paddy Bewbies. I think this burlesque shit is turning me in to a pervert.

I look like a dragon fly. I am fine with that.

That shit is fun. I have to sew one end of it, the rod came out. I am so going to pride this year, do you want to sponsor me? I’ll put your logo all over my naked painted body. I’m going to be a naked painted model for an artist friend’s art show in june, so we’ll be practicing a lot. Then I can be in caribana and when the gun shots happen don’t worry bitch will be mawfuck’n sprintin’ for sure taking flight too I bet.

It’s not cellophane I swear.

I’d look good with wings tattooed on my back. Probably a bad idea.

I wonder what nudist colony I’ll be settling on in my old age. Playing tennis with some fogey and his balls resting on the wooden net spike ahhhaha nice clear cut visual you are most welcome.

Just one of the guys. Hey lets go for tacos later.

I am the pink scorpion queen don’t get tangled up in my scorpion wings

Oh shit when will this end!!!

I’m thinking is this illegal right now.

Approachable! I am way less nervous making a fool out of myself dancing than standing in front of a sea of people waiting for bids. Someone said seeing me in the social media world it is obvious that I am uncomfortable and guess why, that shit is not natural, it’s a phoney baloney world full of stupid assholes (they all talk shit and backstab) and I can’t wait til the scene dies. I like real life. Despite my blog’s taking a nap yesterday having a real effect on me spiritually (ahha shut up) it’s like real life hit pause and I felt there was no point in doing anything because I already have a backlog of content. Still felt lost though, albeit relieved. I enjoyed being a hungover pile of loser on the couch on Sunday and not blogging, I needed the rest.

Here are Maria Juana and Chow Mein (best names right) doing the Mr. Sandman number. You will have to come out to the next one to see it for yourself, sometimes I’m too generous with the aftermath footage for the lazy bastards, oh Raymi is so good to us we don’t even have to go we can sit on our asses at home and just wait. Also we don’t have a video of this dance either heheh :(.

So cute and cheeky, I love their style, very Harlettes.

Then Mr. Sandman shows up!

Cute cute dance.

Chow has a Harlettes logo tattoo on her thigh.

And I cannot get over her tits.

Oh there’s Maria Juana’s tat too.

Shimmy shimmy shake.

Pastel as always is perfection incarnate.

She does this quick flip spin on the chair, major pro. So much skill and control, grace, poise, ahhh.

No problem Chow Mein!

Seriously. O_O.

More in a sec! had to upgrade WordPress so I am learning that too and the type font is all squinty typewriter I hate it.

Oh look I am actually cleaning something.

Bunny looks like a sexy ninja.

Lucky I was standing right there by the stage with my gloves on. Also someone is missing a glove, I came home with three.

Much more to come blabbity blah blogging is harder than facebook FYI. HAha.

And now, Maria Juana! man I’d like ta get me some of that!

This dance is amazing. One guy exclaimed, SHE REMOVED HER GARTERS WITH HER DRESS STILL ON.

Love the backward panty hose peel. Classic.

I lost my mind at this point it was so fucking good.

SO amazeballs.

And now time for more pastel supernova! She’s danced with Lady Gaga before. Nelly Furtado too. It shows. Boy does it ever.

Aaadorable. We’re the same age too! For some reason that is a victory to me.

She reminds me of the hot girl (Maria) Kuamr is in love with in Harold and Kumar (duh) and now they’re married and having a baby! There will so be a fourth movie, they’re the new cheech and chong. We watched the xmas Harold and Kumar recently. I will have to watch it again soon.

That little nightie baby doll dress looks familiar.

How many people totally need sparkle socks now?

it just occurred to me I can be making my pictures bigger and wider here now that the border is at the bottom of my blog, not that there is any vital information on it haha. We had to remove some plugins, namely my guest counter best friend widget. Maybe it was cranked too high and it blew up the server, ok not blow up but crashed it. I will be moving to my own dedicated server soon. That is some “big deal” type shit!

My first dance.

I look like Godzilla.

Considering how much time I spend sitting on that thing, my ass is pretty alright.

I think I must be singing along. My mouth was open the entire time.

Red Zeppelin was hot this night!!!

Hi Thomas!

I want that nightie.

And that dress too.

We matched outfits later on in the night too, cosmic twins. It’s what Florence would want.

You skinny! That’s what it is. Smokin’.

Okay new post for the next batch of bechnique’s and colleague’s and alyssa’s shots. Have mercy, yesterday’s hiccup have put me behind a little beet.

Happeh Valehntine’s Day you guys’s. Love yew!

I put a spell on you

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My site is wonky at the moment because it is just too popular now and I have outgrown my server and must move, which is good because that means new layout will be up by week’s end. Sorry for the hiccups, you’ve been wonderful. I was worried I’d been hacked and of course always fear the worst. Only parts of my site will be loading in the meanwhile because, “you are getting too much traffic on the server we have you on, it overloaded it and the url has been blocked by the server.” And now I shall be back with more photos from Valentine Vamps. xo rlw. (direct urls to specific posts aren’t working, you’ll have to load the whole blog to see ughhhhh).

The camera gets a swipe with one of my rods in this one and comes back from the malfunction and keeps recording. The ceiling isn’t that high or that low, but there is a disco ball on it to maneuver around with these giant wings. One pasty was just dying to fall off too haha.

Will be coming back with tons of pics momentaril-all day-ily. I took my top off too soon. Meh. The rest of the Vamps were PERFECT. Solid show and greatly fine-tuned production overall it was super fun, thank you everyone!!

A lot of up close mystery camera pics too haha.

Fantastic green room!

Goin’ through tons more now. Nothing but girl flesh and sequins. There’s thousands of them. Waiting for 200 to upload before I can upload 200 more hahaha oy.

Back with tons more. And I will probably repeat that a lot throughout the day.

NOW I CAN FINALLY RELAX!

Saint Raymentine’s Day

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You could win all of this shit tonight. Ron will select a winner after the show so you better stick around!

For sale. Comes with wooden frame. It is a billion dollars.

More on this later. Jules is my new protege. Meet her tonight.

Time to show us your VAMP STAMPS!

TONIGHT DON’T FORGET WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO!

IT IS TO HERE!

9PM BOVINE SEX CLUB!

I want to dance to a florence song now.

See ya tonight! Don’t forget I have a silver shimmy outfit I’ll be wearing with this cape.

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU COS YOU’RE MINE WOOOOAH YAAAAAAH!

FUCK’N PUMPED!

Am I eating this pizza or is it eating me?

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I was amused by my Santa Claus likeness here.

Loving this set. Wearing it for a dance.

Confronted by these Simply You jewels upon arrival in our VIPLEASE section. I love my new necklaces and whatever else I threw in to my purse. Kidding! Reg got away with the earrings I chose.

Love a heart lovelies.

Harsh eyebag there White. Not much sleep this week plus eating garbage and whatever you guys think I look like shit, mehhhhh. This is what hurt feelings does, tires me right out.

Please no more burlesque oh whatever Stella you love it.

Photo bomb. Didn’t get many pictures in this dress I hope I don’t look stupid in the ones Kate was taking.

One of my props from last night, might have to buy another one. Well I want to get bigger ones, any tips?

Love BD. Big open quiet space (with music but it can never penetrate my thoughts) good for thinking. My routine hair appts are a god send and guess what, my next visit I’ll be going darker. You can all sigh a huge collective sigh of relief now. Don’t ask me about it yet I am too busy with other things to waste more time talking about it. Keeping blond but doing some multi-tonal roots things I don’t know how to explain it but it’s Shawna’s fault aahha.

I’ll go back and forth about it every day until it happens of course. My hair just needs more life. I love it don’t get me wrong but, it just seems to offend people too much when it’s pure platinum, people can’t get the fuck over it. We’re going to make it look even better.

It’s going to be difficult saying bye to this though.

Maddie missed her flight to South America so she got her hair done, small world BD is also her salon and I indirectly got them a client for the day. See I am good for something. We hung out two nights prior and I was like hey dooods this is a continuation of the party haha. Those pics will also be featured in this post that is taking me a long time to write because your hero had a big night last night (what else is new?) actually I stay in more than I go out which is probably why I go on like an escaped zoo animal wild and great decision making! UPDATE: I will have to blog the rest later I have to get a move on to the recording studio. I’m a hip hop singer now! HAHAHAHA.

The amount of pics I took in this shirt has made it so I can’t wear it again for a long time. I wish there was a 365 outfits club that you can get rid of things and get new things in their stead so that my shirt can get spread around then comes back to me? This idea sucks nevermind I think women are hoarders of their clothing collections. THAT’S MY SCARF I INVENTED THAT SCARF! Business idea failure.

It was fun meeting Kat at starbucks and doing this in the line up area as no other places were available but we weren’t in line we were using the line up bar as, a bar? Everyone kept lining up behind Katrina and it was infuriating trying to have a conversation with 400 yuppies clearing their throats and repeating, “we aren’t in line.” Seriously LOOK at what is in my hand, it’s a tea, why would I be in line again, facing the opposite direction and having a conversation ugggggh.

Smooth legs day!

Smooth move Strombo day too!

Just when you think you’ve had enough of someone, they have a twin! Kidding, Michael is awesome and so is his brother and I kept hallucinating one for the other as the night grew long and then I had to interrupt life and comment on it.

Please Come to this or “you are dead to me” “We are through” “I will pay you back in some secret bitchy way I haven’t decided yet” “I will never help you with your event/product/link/whatever” thanks. Ron will be wearing a top hat A TOP HAT, PEOPLE! Jamba juice samples, heart shaped shasha cookies, and a magic pony prize to give away to the best romantical dressed person!

I will never stop being Asian. NEVER!

Jules all sorts of awesome.

Raymi everyone looks retarded here in their own special way!

Rebecca I love that scratch in the mirror that look like a horn mustache.

Raymi and you are singing in a little boy choir too rebecca

Rebecca hilarious! I was just about to say that…seriously, I can’t stop laughing!

Raymi do you like priests

Rebecca no, they like me

Jules bahahaha, you guys are cracking me up

Raymi crack is whack!

Raymi jules is our new baby girl. then when im forty she can take care of me like grey gardens.

Rebecca I love that you are wearing your little red knit bonnet tied in a bow around you neck Raymi.

Raymi im glad i didnt lose it last night. i have so many goodies in my huge bag. im also glad everyone who liked this pic is in another thread and not this one hahaha

I always get a cute tone finish that washes out after two shampoos.

Lois got me this shirt. I point to the model and say look guys I’m a model now and EVERYBODY FALLS FOR IT HOW STUPID! I come clean don’t worry. Notice how everyone is platinum now? Yeah sorry for that ahaha.

So blurry. Yes all life moments ruined by blackberry blur filter THANKS FOR NOTHING.

Nice hat there friend pillow.

Bad take out sush. I never learn. I was suffering for my art (the size 2 dress). To be continued. RAYMBOTAINMENT BYE BYE!

You’re just like an angel your skin makes me cry

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If the song and the outfit are right, it pretty much just makes itself. You can underplay.

Ahhhhhhhhh so relieved I’ve just narrowed my songs down to three definites, with the 3rd being an extra. I can’t wait to practice when teach gets home and record. He is my reluctant dance coach.

Oh you know just anotha day a hat from Bulgaria at 9 in the morning (insomnia last night so I wanted to sleep til 10:30) blasted me out of bed from a canada postman I had to put an entire outfit on with garth glasses just to answer the door. Stephy is the best. You can wear it like this too but how did you get your writing on a card that was mailed from Bulgaria? I’m wearing it out tonight. I am going to have three majorly weird and bizarre accessories like a swedish euro Bulgarian Red riding hood emu feathered wizard je ne sais I don’t know what le fuck but it will be good. I just tried my cape on in the mirror in the daylight, holy moly casseroli! Ps. not to draw attention to it but that’s not a bulge (completely hahaha), the craftsmanship of these drawers are redonk and I was juicier when I bought them. Lols hate that term so much it’s so funny espesh if you go juice-ay-ur in diva sing-song voice.

If I had more self esteem today I’d wear this beneath my dress and actually now that I mention it, totally matches. Hmmmmm. I did sit ups I took these (it’s sit ups night) and I am about to pop my vampula monthly as well and close up to mirror I look bigger, amazon. Only defending myself in advance, someone will call me fat. That’s how it is. I do not look fat in this in real life and I don’t care what you think I’m 120lbs and in a few days will be less. THE END.

Crappy photo but I love this outfit. I need to buy an actual tickle trunk. If someone wants to make me one (IT HAS TO BE EXACTLY LIKE MR. DRESS UP’S) I would gladly put it in my tickle trunk room. Wow small world that I already called my room that it’s like I am peewee herman arrested developmented or something.

Picked dress up yesterday. Relief it fits.

It’s a wee dress so I don’t think this boustierre will fit beneath. Here’s a love messageI sent out on FB to guests. Maybe I will go in to erotic fiction writing?

Dear Vamps, Save yourselves for Saturday Night, but practice your sassy sides tonight, have a glass of red wine tomorrow, take’r ease and ease in to Saturday where I will MOST DEFINITELY put a spell on you in my secret underground sexy Vamphouse layer with scads of gents and gentleladies single mixing a-boot! And my VIPLEASE players Club escorts who will sexually assault at will. Vampentine’s came early this year. I have a bleeding heart for you ♥ come see.

9PM $5 – $10 after 10PM
The Bovine Sex Club
542 Queen St W.

Secret sexy surprises in store.

R. T Minx Esq.

Another horrible picture. Was zonked by this point last night.

I should have looked at the corsets, my mind was set on angel wings though but they were all not what I wanted and everyone decided for me not to do it and just lead me to my cape.

Hope the rods don’t hit the ceiling in here. I can practise on the landing upstairs, super high ceilings then on the deck in the summer aaaaaaah :).

Fished out the last small. Score.

We saw dancers in Miami with these on the stage at that place, I’ll get pictures. They were mesmerizing and hypnotizing to look at. I will master these. I’ve already got some seahorse egyptian druid ruler priestess shit laid down pat. Enclosing myself like a sleeping bat. Twirl spirals. Super fun. The rods come in a snooker pool cue suitcase type thing too HAHAHA. So I walk in and set up my “equipment” like a pro. THAT COULD BE PART OF THE STRIPTEASE. Set up. Ooh. La la.

They overcooked his steak so he got it free. Wednesdays is 2 for $50 date night and bottles of wine are $5 off. Guess we have a new Wednesday routine. They give you a voucher for a free app when they mess up your order, it’s a bit rich and unnecessary yet wholly one reason why I love suburban chain restaurants for normies, they baby and dote on you like the giant lazy self indulgent slob that I am and the waitresses are FORCED to be chatty and nice to you. It’s an actual vacation. That is how low my vacation standards are I will take anything at this point.

The chianti was meh, I told her it was great. I can be a people pleaser too. I wanted something more “open” and fucked if I know what that means. I don’t like metallic tinny after-effect from reds. This had a bit of that, no openness to breach it. I know I play dumb but I know my shit. That other $35 bottle of Spanish (something or other, confusing name) would have been more open but I pussed out. This bottle went down smooth and fast suffice it to say. I gave our waitress a vamps flyer she seemed super keen but instantly forgot once we were on our way out and me from ladies and asked her for toothpicks, she stared at me like I was a distant ghost. I was crushed. I will let ANYTHING break my heart I truly will.

Rent Frock Repeat‘s newest arrival. This is a size zero.

Your dress comes with Hollywood pimpin’ ammo. Dress tape, spray for stank I believe other goodies I haven’t had a chance to look at yet. These girls are dream dolls that’s for sure.

Burlesquercise begins right after I hit publish.

And once again I am wearing stupid socks.

XOXOX. I was talking to the dress! j/k kisses for you too Kristy, see you tonight maybes?

Paper heart lanterns and light up rings!!!!!

Shrimp Diane. Get it extra spicy like me! If snot is not running down my face like in the Yukon then it isn’t spicy enough.

Now that I know this self function I don’t need anyone anymore! Too bad it’s crap-o-quality. Excusez moi sil vous plait, but I must take a crapeux ou est le sal de bains? I JUST SPELLED THAT FROM MEMORY!

I could play a babysitter in a movie. DREAM GIG. Fakeysitting.

Movies bein’ filmed all over the place and we followed this van from down in the parking garage. I was on the phone about a gig I have next week playing video games. More and more my life is turning into Tom Hanks in BIG. DREAM LIFE.

Okay Joes I gotsta go!