Category Archives: dui

sooooooooooooo

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i watched sex and the city finally, purely for scientific reasons of course, and i thought, well, ugh, first of all it was extremely straight-forward to someone who has never ever watched any of the episodes before (but i am NOT entirely unaware of the plot or characters of this show from years of listening to you birds beat off about it all)(when i lived in brooklyn one day on my way to buy booze for the vice parties i tended i passed by a taping of SATC, i saw kim cattrall, talking on her cell phone, wow explosion!) anyway, hate to break it to you but uh, these characters aren’t funny and i think you need to put down the kool-aid. you guys are all drunks for this shit and i am the voice of sober reason (ha for once) and you are lapping it all up. also, realistically speaking? a writer in new york with that wardrobe? come on. i know people harp on that one a lot too but still it doesn’t make it any less annoying when it’s played out before you fifty fucking million costume changes in a row. when the cast was on oprah SJP went on about this one dress that was used in a scene then was whisked off to the jungles of africa for a photo-shoot but they had to re-shoot the scene so they sent an intern TO THE JUNGLES OF AFRICA to get it, she waited for the shoot to be over, got the dress had a cocktail then caught a flight back in time for the SATC scene.

um.

pretty much exact words.

someone’s caught up in their character a little too much and “cocktail” IN THE JUNGLE? really? was it necessary to repeat that one? how embarrassingly pretentious. i could see on oprah’s face she was like, uh really you went there?

when you’re out of your mind rich you’re not supposed to fawn over unrelatable stories and laugh at the punchline (was there even one?) before it comes out of your stupid mouth.

ok back to the movie, how simple and one-dimensional are these characters do you even see it, I FEEL LIKE I’M ON CRAZY PILLS (am) like dude YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR WHEN YOU SEE HER IN THAT DRESS WHAT WHY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT the rest of the movie’s drama revolves around that simple-minded event? how dumb do you expect the viewer to be?

oh and the nice one who shits herself in mexico that wouldn’t have happened so quickly, it would have taken at least 24 hours for the water to take effect on your bowels and THEN you’d have the shits for 3 weeks not just one teeny cute pants-filling moment.

and the slutty cougar one wasn’t even that slutty and why was she always in new york at the drop of a hat i call bullshit AND WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS EATING LUNCH? why can’t they be eating hangover greasy spoon at lunchtime instead like normal fucking people?

i cannot stand that redhead at all AT ALL, worst haircut ever, unacceptable and the secret she kept are you kidding me, i think i’d be angrier for more than three days over that one (good scene with the balloons though) ugh ok look at me this post is exactly like everyone else’s when the movie hit theatres. despite all the blatant horseshit i did enjoy the 2 hour and 25 minute mental holiday, afterward sass and i watched breakfast at tiffany’s (totally hysterical) so it was a good eve.

oh yeah another thing, no special features on the regular SATC dvd so you suckers would all go out and buy that stupid wedding collection box set whatever. total suckers.

who were you after you were mine

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didn’t wear this because it was too slutty and apparently we had both agreed on that it was GOOD slutty, then i walk back into the room and fil says you’re wearing that? i was actually glad cos it is so unsausageforgiving especially with tights, bad dinner dress, good dance slutty dress. thanks alicia.

stopped off at nancy’s cheese.

nice paper, what’s in the box?

CUCKOO! though i happily enabled gill‘s obsession further with a cellphone betty charm see:

i also overheard you’re getting a BB tattoo?

new sweater vest, he thinks he needs it in a bigger size and everyone is telling him NO he so doesn’t.

had/have this exact mouse ornament on our tree growing up.

this game has good potential, more than that gun game we could never figure out.

purse fetish, i had no idea gill.

mmmmm st. jorge cheese.

this looks familiar…

on to dinner at sidecar, prix fixe stretches to wednesdays, awesome. our waiter was v dramatic, i asked him if he was a poet.

goro pony i immediately took down after looking at this.

the salmon was great, my flash completely blocked it out so it has a nice shadow. don’t be pissed if you weren’t there this was totally last minute impromptu we were planning to eat alone then figured why not cos brad would be missing out on friday as well as gill.

sitting beside a radiator is not conducive to sweater vests.

they gave us a nice assortment of desserts.

blue cheese cheese cake sort of?

see how powerful the flash is anyway, this is the chocolate they make the mousse from, so rich in this form your face would explode.

yes how flattering, my shade of foundation was out of stock so for the next month or so i’m going to be orange oprah which is the perfect time of year for it too WINTER stand out much!? and oh yeah thanks (SARCASM) mom for convincing me to get the black cardigan in small instead of XS it’s fucking HUGE. i’m glad i didn’t listen to you for the grey one.

HAHAHA you can see RIGHT through my shirt holy tara reid moment.

don’t forget this is going on saturday nite, i have two unspoken for tickets and i am too lazy to make a contest so just email me and tell me why you should be allowed to party with fil and i saturday nite.

SMIRNOFF EXPERIENCE: RED NIGHT HOTEL
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
Windsor Arms Hotel, 18 St. Thomas St. [Bay & Bloor]
$20 advance tickets at www.smirnoff.com OR
$30 at the door

how to wear a BIG scarf

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this big guy belonged to steph and she passed it on to me cos it looked like she was wearing a neckbrace when she wore it. i felt like the universe was staring into my soul yesterday and kept laughing at myself and of course looked crazier, it made my head look really tiny at least, bonus? matt met up with us to get his ipod he forgot at our place last week and i said we have to get out of here my scarf is too big for this book store.

i NEED a necklace tree.

family presents.

clutter gone!

he’s still around though.

good morning heartache. it is so totally hair wash day. i want to cut it fil says no.

so i guess this is the bun scarf, necessary for when i do bun head to protect my ears cos a hat just looks super stupid over a bun.

fuck you.

coffee time!

ps. know your bartender. HAHAHA.

GROSS MAN

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now that the wine fridge is gone the crap on the floor is more obvious, hate it.

made new butt shorts, i changed outfit last minute slightly and i should have covered my arm last nite it bumped into so many people and is now scabbing all gross (normal) but i’m still paro, i better not have cooties.

i was going to do a shotgunning ketchup pose (of course) and the lid was barely screwed on so this is an almost holy shit reaction.

grossman’s wall is my favourite sketchy wall in all of toronto.

once i gave our waitress one of the camera cases from my swag bag she was very generous in her wine pouring, this was to the brim before i sipped it and took this.

ugh, and so it begins. this guy smelled like crazy, WAS crazy, crazy drunk, aggressive, and we humoured him for way too long as you are about to witness in the following pictures. enjoy. i am so glad i was sitting in the corner protected by the table.

poor erin, this guy talked all over her food, so gross.

he said we were all hot and then accused us of being against queers, said he had a wife but he’s gay, he was all over the place. he eventually called me a punk cos i told him he blew it by touching my friends way too much and i gave him three warnings and politely said if you don’t tone it down i will be forced to get violent. HE ALMOST PULLED HIS DICK OUT!

natalie was going to gas peddle him. she went back and forth between cheering him on and hating him, at all the wrong times too, someone would go to the bathroom and miss out on how much further he was taking things. he called fil pretty and would not shut up.

he lifted his shirt ten thousand times.

sigh. thanks but no thanks.

um we fuckin’ get it already.

then he drags an innocent chick from the other side of the room into his layer of crazy.

aaaaand this is how much other patrons were appreciating him (my favourite picture). the girl was trying to help him out, at first you pity these guys right then they get on your nerves cos they’re so cocked and don’t realise they’re pushing their luck. natalie said she was two hours too late in helping him relax.

red shirt hi there, he was pretty close to removing crazy’s face.

fiiiinally matt goes and complains when he tried to show us his dick, i almost wish i didn’t stop him cos then i’d have an awesome picture for you guys. he told me he had been going to grossman’s before i was born but it sounded like i wurse cominz here befur you wiz even BORN. (he referenced this important FACT multiple times) so i said AND? what is your point? they’ve been tolerating you that long? he didn’t hear any of it though. believe it or not i was the nicest to him of us, erin almost punched his lights out. my other favourite part of the nite was the guitarist’s hair and how the band kept playing throughout.

see his undid fly.

TIME TO GO DUDE!

i love grossman’s, always a guaranteed sloppy time. once he was gone the guy yelling in his face in that one picture nestled in his amazon gf’s lap, so funny.

don’t think i don’t have a conscience, i empathize for drunks and crazies while at the same time being totally entertained by them, it doesn’t stop my compassion for their plight and i can tell that this guy when/if sober is actually a kind soul. issues up the yin yang of course, but still decent. good luck to you sir.

it was funny to me that i was being the sympathizer advice giver and he thought i was his enemy and ruiner of good times because i was gently suggesting he NOT pull out his dick. oh and i was a punk for it too.

OMFtights

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*i just realised i have a plus one for this party someone be my date you have til 6.30 to let me know!*

a pair of winter tights i was planning my outfit around for tonite are too small i am psychotically pissed off a little bit miffed and now i have to come up with some other stupid outfit to feel insecure in. they don’t go up high enough in the crotch, note to self YOUR LEGS ARE TOO LONG FOR A SIZE MEDIUM NO MATTER HOW SKINNY THEY ARE YOU ARE NOT A MEDIUM STOP BUYING MEDIUMS. steph your christmas present from me this year is a pair of black subtly argyle printed tights with some cat hair from cid, ho ho ho.

i have oprah on right now it’s the repeat of the sex and the city cast episode how fucking fascinating. still haven’t seen this totally predictable piece of cinematic drivel but i plan to just so i have more material to complain about. maybe i will “live” “blog” it from sass‘ couch.

guess what there’s more laundry nemesis ONLY FRIEND breakthrough news! i asked if she went to the christmas party and she said no she doesn’t live here (finally got it out of her) and that she wasn’t invited to which i made a frowny-face and said oh we didn’t go either then she said she went to a BETTER party at casino niagara and won five-hundred dollars and everything was paid for it was her birthday (i think whoever she works for in this building paid for her to go) and i reacted very enthusiastically and wished her happy birthday a couple times and said good for you! before all this she said i looked very summery. guys i think i am this close to hugging her please stop me. i wonder if she thinks about me. hahhahahahaha. or looks forward to the one day a week i do laundry.

i have decided to part my bangs pre-sarah palin days and they are so driving me bananananas!

ok dr. phil is on, you are kind of a big heel if you watch this shit and i cannot like you, at all, big deal breaker sorry. there are way too many reasons to list why dr. phil should dr. fuck himself (ps. I personally coin-phrased that term when i was manic) but i will give you one for now – his marriage failed and he gives advice to married couples and they keep going on the show for more of this marriage advice. ok one more reason why he can lick my bag (before the marriage failed) is he yells and points at people when he is delivering this “advice” as if it is law. like yeah great you’re profiting from the exploitation of stupid people and stupid people require advice to be yelled at them but still, YOU’RE ANNOYING ME DR. PHIL! and why do you come on before AND after oprah? ONCE IS ENOUGH! and why do you sit in those high chairs do you know how uncomfortable that makes me, i am nervous for your life when i see you in that high chair and i hate you don’t make me feel feelings for you! those chairs belong in bars only, like the keg where douche yuppies drink stupid drinks until their spirits break GOD!

and now i will plan something stupid to wear thank you for wasting my time.

ok wait i am too annoyed and involved in the saga what is this couple’s marriage to go away yet. wife (female) dresses in drag for fun and goes out. square husband does not jive with this, he just said he does not like gay things, gay culture (ugh). here is my marriage advice that dr. phil is not saying but should: GET A DIVORCE. he says it “hurts” him and is disgusted by it (someone punch his face off) she won’t stop (and why should she?)(her outfits are totally tame too!) so why are you even together in the first place. i swear, stupid people, stupid show if you are watching it right now you are dead to me.

CUT IT OUT!

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NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! FULL HOUSE SPIN-OFF! excuse me while i find something suitable enough (think, moon) to JUMP OVER! i am beside myself with shock and awe and disbelief and glee i might even puke. this is like bringing someone you actually give a care about back from the dead. i have to go squeeze something until it explodes brb.

TGISunday not monday

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i have to go back and write some more bio cards up for each one, many had F words on them, family place right? i get the walls for two months, wicked. once the crazy of xmas is finished i’ll have a party, and add more paintings. i love you grapefruit moon!

fuck, i was hungry.

so there now you know where it is, 968 bathurst and this street. i wrote about GM before here their food will blow your brains out. (haven’t figured how to quick search old posts in wordpress yet that’s why i linked to blogspot, whatevs.)

then off to switch contemporary to drop off a painting for zeesy‘s fundraiser this wednesday dec 10 (you MUST go see she will be making a live appearance all the way from japan! and you can bid on some amazing art)

obama claus!

so cute.

yuula amazes me.

check ya later.

rush home to get ready for fil’s work party where i pretty much did the complete opposite of all my rules, I DANCED MY HEAD OFF!

this sweater swallowed me up too much in this dress, so i did not wear it after all. i wore my beige cardi for like one second, that place was balls hot.

dropped hat, yo nikes i know you want it if you could just look under there you’d see the hidden treasure beneath.

so frustrating.

banquet food is hit or miss, this was miss.

somewhere in there would be turkey.

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiianne! her sister works with fil omfg quelle surprise! liane is back from shanghai, she was my favourite buddy from my england exchange and now she’s all grown up. i’ve been trying to dig up nerdy pictures of us from back then but can’t remember any search terms i used in the original post. here’s one for now.

then it was snl couch time, i didn’t even drink when we got home cos i obvs got blasted enough on wine at the work party. SMART. don’t worry i wasn’t the only one.

what a day.

then i woke up at 5am in an upset stomach panic remembering every stupid thing i said and did at the work party, refrained from taking a chill pill, an ultra strength tums sufficed. the only thing fil is concerned about me sharing with his coworkers was how cid nuzzles his ear and paws at him like a baby everyday. phew. good thing he didn’t overhear all the other shit i said.

ps. do not fall asleep with a band-aid on you would barf if you saw what my finger looks like right now.


Raymi Getting Ready from Phil Ogynist on Vimeo.