Oh I’m not a reality tv star? Pfft. Okay then, I am a blog star so much so that reality tv wants me. How’s that? And if a had a nickel for the THOUSANDS of people who have told me I wasn’t famous I’d like, have all these nickels (Beavis joke). I think tons of people talking shit to you means YOU ARE FAMOUS. Also I have a video of one of the producers asking me what it feels like being a reality tv star as I whiz by on my longboard with the go-pro clipped on to it to get POV and shots of my chins from below plus two other camera guys… so just because I deigned to say something nice about the network that my friend/colleague said doesn’t mean you have to cry about your show getting no blog kudos on my stupid blog, kay? Nice professionalism too “can’t stand me?” look in the mirror woman because it’s yourself who you can’t stand. Money is a trap by the way try-hard do you think anybody honestly cares how much money I have or that it matters.

I bet you would love to cast my mini Raymi niece then too since you work with such intellects as 14 year olds day in and out. She’ll be 14 in September. Time flies, ah ma gad. It’s neat that my brother took the parenthood plunge before me cos I get to see how it all goes down and come out unscathed as “crazy aunt Lauren” now upgraded to “coolest person in the universe aunt Lauren” (with a little bit a-cray I’m sure) after our visit with the girls yesterday and the day before that.

Steve and I took them for gas station snacks (mom and Lois were hungry) then I went to Tim Hortons for muffins and donuts and overheard a guy say this about a girl, “Talk about a hot mess, no, not even hot, more like luke warm mess.” Then repeated it 3 times and I resisted the urge to turn and ask for him to point out who he was talking about.

Then we saw two hot messes in pizza pizza they were holding their donkey heels that all young chicks wear out now like it’s a runway (how kids get off my lawn do I sound right now?) and the girls went 1 2 3 THANK YOU FOR THE PIZZA and our hearts melted. We cruised around for a bit to give them a thrill and accidentally went by MTV and they flipped out. I had to recount my MTV Creeps experience for them too because of how much of a non-reality tv star I am.

My mom has way better pics. I was so beat tired from dinner at Weslodge that my pupils were dilated like so but everyone’s appears to be too in all the pics. I am always tired and hung when mom comes to town, it’s the city and that is life deal with it or move to the prairies (god I can’t wait to live in a remote cottage someday).

I explained the history and lore of Jarvis Street to them. It’s a Raymazon look! Also acceptable photo caption Welcome to the jungle.

Lolo spoiled Hailey too. Good. My mom invented this (one-sided because I truly do not care, I’m her aunt not her sister) competitive wedge between Hailey and I for her own deluded amusement and it’s fun to see them try to wind my gears up and all’s it takes is one little cuddle from me to mom to get Hailey going LOLOLLL don’t mess with aunt Lauren bro! Hailey’s friend was rocking herself in the corner because of all the chaos. My eyes became big in horror at the sight of an outsider looking at my family that way (why am I thinking about running with scissors right now) and was like quick okay lets go down to the car before she wigs out!

Back to school back to school to prove to my dad that I’m not a fool. She goes in to highschool this year, oh man! it’s going to get intense. My bro is pretty chill about it though and Hailey is a good kid, she might be a little too smart I’m not sure about that yet who knows what Raymi trickled down to her (so far tons maybe) cos Robin saw her and my mom by the pier and Hailey was dancing and leaping around and taking pics and whatever and Robin goes that is SO RAYMI.

I have a distinct memory of holding her as a baby in my arms in my bed in my teenage room to relieve whoever had her last and that gentle baby way, she was crying and we had run out of options so I got all of my jewelry boxes and music boxes, wound them up and she became calm and content and we fell asleep. I just burst in to tears I never told anyone that story before. The music box that worked best on her was this pink victorian paper person that danced in a white wooden painted box, a very old fashioned toy my mom tried SO HARD to make me feminine my walls were covered in girly lilac wallpaper I hated and covered in rock posters because I thought it was wussy anyway so I had a lot of girly trinkets and crap and they came in handy that one night I was doing homework lying down in bed and my mom brought Hailey in to me. It takes a small village they say. Or a funny farm in our case. As far as I am concerned Hailey is my family’s greatest accomplishment so far.

She’s pretty quippy and smart and this is exactly when it begins, your parents become amused and entertained by your intellect and funny humour but then it becomes permanent and they hate you until you’re 18, good luck. I’ve seen some wicked moody teens my god. Thankfully Hailey isn’t or won’t be like that, she’s a joy to be around and play with and is in to all the weird zany antics my mom and I do, ring leads it like we’re Moonrise Kingdom

I don’t mind not being the only princess what I do mind is not being a kid anymore or having a model body that that kid is gonna have and I am already psychotically protective world-weary of though everyone else in the fam seems to be chill about except for me so I will drink a glass of relax.

Also, I did not look cool when I was 13/14. I was getting there but it was tough especially up against CrayTray cos she hadn’t got her groove back yet and thus I had to hide all my skanky le chateau swagger but out at the mall sometimes she’d flip a little over how I’d get looked at and of course I walked like a hood rat skit if I could manage it, plus some Ghettovale style too shout out to my home-dawgs baha. I think I am so tough because of Mississauga sorry, I mean “street”. That shit pays off. While Steve, he is Etobicoke-style street. Ahaha. The closer to the airport we get the more rough we may be, I think Brampton has its own hashtag on twitter that is pretty jokes and a cool chick from the ‘saug and I are going to become IRL friends and I bet when we hang my dialect will get all regional with her like in How I met your Mother. That sentence was so sick I have to tweet it. Her name is Anum, I don’t think I’ve had a brown best friend before and she dresses like Mr. Dressup meets MIA aka perfect.

Hot tubs and iphone flash = frenemies. It’s okay it makes it less racy. Phew.

Lifeguard on break.

We really needed that hot tub soak holy toledos it was ever so relaxing and there were other mellow folks sitting around it was a staycation and cos I’m local, the expert who got to talk about themself the whole time hi lady from, where was she from Lois? She was talking about “the Toronto shooting” like it was super interesting I don’t think I’ve ever had an out loud conversation about it before everything I learn about my city comes from the internet and real life and I don’t give in to the news hype. When we turned on City Pulse yesterday they all screamed over an amber alert holy shit relax the world is still moving around you I don’t know what they were slowly expecting to read tickering by the bottom of the page but it really annoyed me at the time that they wouldn’t stop talking all at once about it.

I am bloated therefore I am.

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Here we go now smilers, happy Saturday. I am in writing skitchen all w/e long and going bizzoinkers. I’ve been really stressed out lately and busy, moving, unpacking, “recovering”, blabbity blah so I’m dipping in to the bloggy thing for a minute to recharge, get out some adrenaline/anxiety, catch you up on your fix ya junkies.

This was after dinner at Lee. I will get to that part. Of course every inch of the way was captured. Steve is going to roast me in form of guest blog post soon btw example: “Dating a blogger is very hard.” Oh shit.

Bradley Cooper ooh ooh.

Such a Jem pose, cheesy, don’t care.

I really love my Dear Frankie duds. I don’t even want to wear them I like them that much “special occasion purposes only” but I wore the bandeau bra out today while biking. I love fancy lingerie makes you feel more in control of your woman stuff, hotter, legit hot like a girl out of a cosmo spread having a pillow fight with her perfect model boyfriend whee thanks DF.

There we go that’s fun.

Here I am like oh look and then we will put MY brand on THEIR brand and then we will be billionaires. Basically.

Dinner baby and boy was I ever a baby. Steve got us a bit tips before we got there, and long story short I was like I have to eat now we have to leave now like when dudes are hungry how they get super moody lets not talk until the food gets here nuts, that was me plus worky things and just non-stop interruptions. When you change your life and dump it on its head everybody wants to talk to you about it and then you re-form bonds here and there, things generally get busier, you are gossipping your balls off 24/7 plus your events and typical city girl worries that seem to take up a lot of time/headspace/omfg lets eat or I am going to put on a straightjacket. The shorter version of all that simply, “was I ever a baby” but it was alright no biggie, kind of indulgent to cry in restaurants. I’m a fan.

What’s up guys.

Mini hamburgers and hot dogs “that is what”.

Einstein is spinning in his grave.

SWOON. I want the Dear Frankie dress for around the house now please!! The spanxy thong will come in handy for all the cake I’ll be eating over the next 3 days lol.

The tables at Lee I love. I’ve only been once before and I think I felt like I really had to explain in minute detail why it was okay to annex the place back from the one previous experience I had dining there.

Which is how we select where we eat and habit, based on past dates, good experiences, never been there before and if so was it just a platonic thing, was she a tramp, how crazy was she and how did it end we are hilarious. Then we tell the story and then make it so that person is as disgusting as possible compared to you THEREFORE you are the winner the end lets get a bottle of wine glug glug glug.

You best balee that shit was romantic.

I was worried he wouldn’t be able to do the slaw but he could would and did, loved it.

They mash it all up for you, it’s delish. I love cilantro. Lots of dudes hate cilantro. Massive eye roll. It tastes so fresh like freedom, you don’t like freedom? Cool.

The spicy tofu, meh. Well yeah alright but I’m like bean curd why bother why not filling it with something actually delicious like not bean curd.

I had two and made him have four. He’s picky but then he eats weird things stop fucking with meeeeeee! LOL. ILU. So much!! Your iphone alarm clock is playing bongos right now what are you a drum circle omg wake up.

Love the table so much. I love lamp.

If you make a big deal about taking my picture this is the face you get. And if I ask you to do it again, do it again. #diva. Everything was pissing me off. Ps. chopstick skills? That’s right bitch.

These jerk pork ribs weren’t pissing off I’ll tell you that.

The diver scallops were aiight, delicious, but I was getting full because I hadn’t eaten really that day and if you wait too long you make the dude eat the rest.

Speaking of, look at my slice of heaven.

Wearing that vest too ah ma fricking god I am going to go snorgle the crap out of that right now to be continued bye bon weekend.

Steve said I looked gangster with my little yellow neon band-aid.

So then I punctured my heel in to some styrofoam street garbage to manipulate him in to thinking I was adorable. Worked. I should write my own “The Game” right? He has a copy of course, he’s mad I want to read it over the wizardy one he went out of his way to buy me before Aruba lol. I am not a wizard, I may play one in real life but I like assholery in literature, I like pieces of shit jerkoffs I will leave the nice guy stuff up to Steve.

I noticed my two favourite fluorescent colours on these pipes and said we must turn back.

Worth it.

Heheh.

We had a good night.

This post licked sorry, weekends are a write-off.

Hope you’re having a good summer. I’m off for a stroll with the man and some grub then some pole dancing, awooooooo!

On Sunday bloody Sunday the girls plus Steve and maybe Craig will be turning in to Magic Mikes at Brass Vixens Studio on Queen which is so conveniently located btw I love making new Queen west merchant friends I can visit when out on a run and colleague says if I start going there regularly I’ll get insanely wicked abs. SOLD.

Me talking to Nicole, she showed me this mermaid-themed party poster for an event also under the sea themed and I was like did we miss fake prom already? She said we haven’t who’s to know? The facebook event page there’s a clue Einstein. How much do you want a tutu? I have two of them I’ll bring Sunday. We have one hour for a private party for Jules. She’s leaving us for SF also it’s her 21st birthday too! Can you say RAGER!? Even though I am all raged out I will live to rage another day.

This chick does this twice a week for her exercise, how fun. No kids. The other woman on the other hand has three boys and I asked if they’d seen that viral drawing of the pole dancer a child drew but was actually of the mother selling a shovel and people throwing money at her cos there was a blizzard AGahahahha so the mom had to write a note that she was not actually a stripper? Yes they’d seen it lol. And another one of those this is my life moments goes by folks.

This kid is remarkable and now, infamous. You know that’s my bag. Okay I will stop emphasizing with all these italics. We watched a bit of Bob Saget the nasty show? What is it called? It seems ultra current too cos he made some current events references that I have absolutely no recollection of I will have to check in with my couch co-pilot on that later. Here read blog, edit all my mistakes and lies please thanks. Anyway I mention it because he seemed a little erratic and too real for tv, manic. Yeah that’s it. Obviously I am projecting here.

Nice work. Moving on.

Next time I will select the Ladies option for this mug shot if in NYC during the 1800’s I was a criminal. Merkley can you help me get my LA County drunk tank mugshot please thanks, I want to put it on a t-shirt like you have yours. Maybe they incinerated it because I looked like this, totally:

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