a stalkumentary

Be prepared.

When we bent over to pick up our helmets we bonked heads. Oh dear.

My pizza. (I made this btw if it wasn’t clear). I had some more of it just now. I was crashing. It is just as delish today as it was last night. Cheeseless. Steve gets bloated from cheese so I decided to eat like a vegan too. I know they are super skinny people so why not. You have to restrict in some capacity or other when you drink a bottle of red wine and demolish chocolate bars practically every night. Seriously something’s gotta give I bet I make Dan Aykroyd look like Zoey Deschanel (is known to have ridiculous diet restrictions/allergies. Hates tofu, allergic to everything else, is vegan. LOLOLLLL).

I buy two bags worth of greenery each shopping trip now. Lets go to the farmer’s market soon, where are they please supply a list thank you. Also Brickworks for sure, is it only open weekends? Steve hasn’t been. He has no idea! I always make a time of it.

Also what’s going on Nuit Blanche when is that again? This year I just want to roam and not be tied down to something, I dunno. Someplace warm would be good too like being an installation at the Gladstoner even though I just said I didn’t want to be tied down. Make me an offer I can’t refuse. Make it VIPleasey. I got hired based on just bumping into my friend Rob in my bear suit last year. I rule therefore I am.

I miss Stew.

Stew said that is no way for a ladybear to behave. Stew is Gaymi by the way.

That was fun. I am only wearing one giant earring in this video too. One fell off. Check my wizard hair though!!!

I skulked in the tub yesterday. It was terrible weather out, just terrible. I will probably stay drunk all winter long. I treated myself to lunch in Russia today (a cucumber soaked in vodka from my jar) after eating a slice of my homemade pizza. It’s Saturday. Like days of the week matter to guys like me. Hey, I’m a guy like me!

I can’t facebook pics from phone anymore because I upgraded my blackberry fb app go figure but anyway had I been able to I would have captioned this one “on a looking at pictures of food only diet today”. When we went food shopping at the hipster loblaws last night I was zombie-stupid. Girls are stupid. The world is stupid. I ate the second half of my mac at the Drive-In because I do what I want. Steve wouldn’t have any, there are onions in the mac.

Another present to add to the pile of others for my niece. She will be 14. My bro was like NO THAT’S FOR ME!! Nothing changes ever. Dad said he took her out today and bought her all this stuff. They went to Harvest Table even. I was like oh you have another Lauren and he want oh awww. He’s reading the bio Amy Winehouse’s dad wrote and says she talked to him like I talk to him. Don’t make me post that Raymi Winehouse video of us playing Wrongbar, Duncs. I’ll post this instead.

Dad what is that guy doing behind you? Lol.

Steve-o picked up hair clips off a bud in Yorkville he was just talking about then the guy appeared and he told me twice how much of a good girlfriend I was because I wanted to pay for them, “she’s trying to pay for them behind your back Steve.” Steve pays for them, I get all the credit. Score one Raymi. Btw sometimes when Steve calls me Raymi it’s weird. It’s weird when I call him Steve too, is that weird? He then says Lauren in this serious way, then we laugh and say I love you for the millionth time that day.

Dropped off luggage, picked up bike. My glasses were perfect for my pants you’re welcome.

Needs more hotel.

This fell from the side table or I forgot about it on the bed (doughnut) and it smashed, I picked up the glass with my bare hands lying on the bed while Steve got the rest and we put a towel down. I think you can buy these glasses from your room or if you take one they charge you? Well good luck with smashing one bro. I told them when we checked out like a good guilted-Canadian conscience ought. Then someone was like AND I TOOK A ROBE from behind me. Just kidding, but that would be awesome. Probably happened in a movie. Like where all things happen. Movies > Friends.

Had those stupid chicks not stopped us to chat we would have gone up to the room and seen our credit then eaten downstairs in the bar instead of real sports.

I shouldn’t have left my camera in the room. Still haven’t gone through Steve’s haul of coverage.

Free Pussy! Oh guess what, I am in the New York Times again today. In the Blogrunner from the Headlines around the web. That’s my FOURTH TIME being in The New York Times now. Were you out takin’ a wizz or sumthin’? I am a New York Times Blog source. I requested a NYT from Le Germain and my cosmic psychic powers made that happen I suppose. Also the word MADONNA. Madonna. COUGH COUGH madonna. Madonna. Aruba. I mean Madonna. Lol. Maybe this post will make it too.

See why this angered me?

That was cool though I liked that. It was all Eyes Wide Shut spooky-electrifying. Monks chanting chill and thrill me.

Action figure doll pose. Sorry for the pigeon toe.

Great thinking going down at this perch. Steve got us Stoli to give thanks. Thanks to the Vodka Gods.

Madonna’s tour buses for the dancers and whatnot. She was probably housed somewhere swanky.

Gotta go BYE!!!

I’m not scared of pole-tergeist

He let me start the thing meep meep and yes I am scared of that movie btw is scurry shit! Plus the girl died from something cray and all these spooky things happened on set if you watch the behind the dvd scenes that little munchkin woman who plays the clairvoyant red haired George Costanza’s mother with the squinchy voice talks about the little girl ooh shivers.

Anyway, Shannon is going to have a massive POLEtergeist Halloween party YEAH BUDDY! Maybe I can perform my pole skills at it as a hybrid burlesque pole-formance piece and we’ll charge admish. You guys just witnessed a lightbulb flicking on. I love when thoughts become things. I made a Poletergeist pun and Shannon was instantly like HALLOWEEN PARTY! I like creative people, thrive off and require them.

Someone said I was hotter when I was fat. Well there is some fat bro, enjoy!

Stripper moms!

We were all remarking on how funny it is to dancercize at Brass Vixens above the afterhours place everybody knows (Shhhhhh) downstairs. Makes you feel more normal about being a party machine. I saw one of the lofters from U8TV down there once years ago it was the lofter who looks like Slater from Saved by the Bell. I put whoever or whatever I was doing on pause, bee-lined him, told him all this super meaningful stupid crap and he was like, woah. Then I immediately went back to the person I was givin’er with (a non-op trans obviously)(who ruled btw) and kept away from Mario Lopez-look-a-like why the hell is he down here superstar. That is how starstruck I get. I do the opposite of what everybody does in situations always and that is how you get ahead in life. Turn off the fear. Do the thing so that then you can tell everyone you did it. On your blog.

The night before. I was not planning to go out and also didn’t know that they were (sneaky bitches) but thoughtthe kiddo is going away for forever after all why not hit the central vortex, why not. Steve needed to experience it so that all of my stories will make sense. Don’t you love when you start dating someone and they tell you all these stories starring all these people and then you get to walk in to one and he’s like THAT’S THE GUY WHO BLABBITY BLAH and this is the place where I fell down the stairs RIGHT HERE well I wanted to give that gift to Steven because I am nice like that. We got home at 5 or 6 in the morning whenever the sun was starting to come up. I knew it would happen. I can only do a Central shit show like once a quarter baha.

Then even earlier on that day after Magic Steve got off work earlier than usual he took me out of writing prison for a cruise on the vespa to get some sun because I stayed inside all day going stir cray, balcony cray. I needed to eat as well. We go to Sugar Beach each Saturday it seems, easier than going to the island just hop on the bike and get a burger and fart around in adirondacks til the sun goes down and we go home for a nap and a bath and a blog then a zzz. Maybe I should make a virtual calendar of our schedule to make fun of.

Saturdays I usually rip it up au natural too, freckles ‘n all. Steve freaks over them guys are so cute that they like you when you’re all gross, they like to sniff butts, hilarious! HA sorry (not sorry).

Blog spotted at the lcbo too in line I played it cool no worries, that chick was super sweet I love when people say hi to me when they recognize me I hope it happens in front of Hailey on Thursday maybe I can set up some people at random intervals to walk in to me and make me look cool. Actually some days errands take over an hour longer from all the people you bump in to around town. It makes life fun it really does, I think the city needs to be less isolating and more people should be friendly and say hi to one another.

I also like my down time, alone time, don’t get me wrong. I was criticizing and analyzing this dude the next umbrella over to Steve cos he was getting wasters and very opinionated like he couldn’t shut up it was funny and he was such a dink too. I love people watching, period. Just put any thing in front of us and as it walks by, analytical take-down. Gay dudes are the best at this I love hating with them.

These shorts are a bit Rhythm Nation.

I’d make for a fun Raymi the Minx action figure no?

Love in an elevator! Feeling me up when I`m going down! Is that the lyric?

Clem said if I was working at the Central in a year’s time then I had failed. What about drinking at the Central in a year’s time lol? I quit after 8 months. Then I started making blog bank. You must remove the safety net and jump!

And now get the heck out of here before you turn in to one of us kid. Lol. I can remember being 18 in Brooklyn hanging out with 29 yr old bros. so I understand the accelerated youths but it still blows my mind. I’m like Kaptain Kangaroo anyway I think a fig newton would even hang out with me? Sure.

Oh what a night, lots of laserbeam eyes because The Central is a cavern bathed in darkness you be careful now. I am never careful I turn in to one of my best alter-egos at the Central called RAYMIAC. I think I told off three thousand kids and yeah, it was pretty awesome HA.

What? ok.

What? ok. Raymbecca!

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