hello heloi


dynasty. more fireside chats with raymi lauren after these messages. couldn’t match the room more if i was a fuckin’ flower.


so there’s this basmati rice based cooking oil called heloi. it’s like olive oil except not. melodie cooked using it last nite. you can test it out right now for free down at the ex if you want, it’s brand new, just about to hit the market and i got myself a bottle. it’s a high heat cooking oil which is perfect for deep frying stuff. here is melodie and lucas’ cooking adventure while i was pumping iron at the gym yesterday. so nice to come home to a beautifully lovingly cooked meal. i bought the wine so i helped. then i got lucas wasted on cider and wine while mel’s band jammed in the back room. whoops!



those beans and rice from yesterday’s nakedness shoot.


product placement! it’s so good for you it’s retarded.


our new friend.


black rice and corn and yellow pepper.


ground something or other what will be breading of the shrimp.


i guess that’s an egg yolk in there and chilis. such a complicated and complex component concoction. how many more c words? cock. she gave me like 500 pages of notes i am too scattered to go and make sense of. i said make them as bipolar as possible please.






soooo tasty.



psychedelic vortex.



i took this bad one. yummy as fuck it was. go have a sample right now or at some point this weekend at the ex. all the new age foodie hippie types are blowing their loads over this oil apparently. i’m going to incorporate it into more meals and try to start cooking again. i eat out way too much. but only because i am a lesbian. my review on the taste is, well, healthy. i’m really hungover so that means it wasn’t a heavy meal and i don’t feel guilty over it being “fried” cos the oil again, super healthy. raymi anorexia diet approved. it’s good for your heart too so it’ll cancel out all those bumps. he ha haha.

melodie will follow up with recipe and other smart things for me later on. i’m keeled over with stomach spasms right now that are not awesome so sorry for the slacky. TGIF? this post was really hard to write and look at food pics i have tons more i didn’t use i am borderline barf town at the moment. sucks. sad face.


new polish, went with the pink for today.


today’s meal. had to venture out cos our water was turned off. poor john’s chick was like did you get notice? yeah, her. pointing at melodie. she knew for a few days. i did not. you are fired at giving notice.

i want your band to be called date machine or at least one of your songs. they played a song on the spot for me as i was getting ready to go out last nite. was half hosed by the time he got here. we had a good time. i think i talked too much though.


and now i can’t go to the gym looking like garbage anymore. one of the downfalls of cruising where you sh*t. ew. i always hated that term.








having fun with the warhol. that’s what i’m going to call it. it’s the penultimate word for what i feel i am doing when using it (camera) and showcasing my life. arty faggy pop hip whatever. i just wish i knew how to make the photos smaller so they don’t eat up years of my life whilst uploading.

now it’s not raining so i can hit the gym but i actually have to shower first cos i have courtney love hair as you will notice in the photos below that melodie took of me all nakes just now. it’s liberating (maybe for you but for us it’s normal) to have such tolerant roommates. i walk around in the buff and it’s like i’m wearing clothing to them. it’s not even sexual. it’s just hilarious. we see each other naked all the time who cares? i wish we could expand our parkdale mansion into a hippie farm. it’s already a commune for the most part considering cindy and reg downstairs though they’ve not caught on to our clothing optional sanction as far as i know. i guess it would be a little weird to come up the stairs naked for a little chat yeah? only a matter of time i suppose. it has been a scorcher of a summer which in-part has inspired nudity it’s ridiculous how much i’ve blown on clothes this summer only to wear the same 4 things over and over again as well as spend the majority of my time naked. i didn’t put so much work into tan lines to cover those suckers up. i need to take them for a stroll on a brazilian beach.

i can’t go to the gym looking like barf today because gym guy is going to be there about the time i’ll be there and we’ll have to talk in person now ahhhhhhhhh. he texted me “hot gym thing” which is hot. that should be his nickname though not really my style to be all froofy-sex and the city cheesy like some girls refer to the men in their life by. i was just going to say DIMPLES but then i remembered i already gave a guy that nickname so there you go looks like i’m a cheeseball afterall.

i’ve been demented all day. i’ve been on the run for 6 days in a row now it seems, no time for anything other than stretching self too thinly. just as i start to settle i am up and on the go again. i have travel fever bad and i don’t work til sunday so hmm…but i am going away next weekend so. i want to do ten things at once and i also just want to sit on my ass. ok here we go photos warning kinda racy (“maybe for you” hahahaha). sorry dad!


there’s a set jamie took of me when i was 19 that are kinda similar to these. body looks the same. crazy time for shower hair does not.

Raymi eating

well maybe not exactly the same but if you want to go through more of his of me they’re here.


ugh courtney love hair for suuuuuuure.



soaking beans for a tasty meal for later on.


this one is just hilarious to me so not even flattering just funny and my ass is box-shaped over there what?? i look prehistoric and bigger than the fridge. that orange magnet is the number for booze delivery, it has a cat and dog on it for a deak-out.


our place is great for photographs when it isn’t trashed. which it sort of part was at the time these were taken. who cares look at my pearly whites and good vibes.


melodie was like do you care if the crucifix is in the background i was like why did jesus get so much pussy? cos he was hung like this. does it look like i “care” about “things”?


superhero fight.


gearing up.




trying to cram a record back where it came from no not fuck the records.


are you feeling this one?





melodie goes awwwwwww it’s baby duncan. nope, just me, feelin’ it. getting my pose on and shit.



yo do you want to buy this fucking finch or not? someone is considering buying my scribble of french hamburger i drew on the back of my business card yesterday during breakfast. all in a day’s non-/sort of work.



i haven’t partied once in the distillery all summer. sad face. never fear though as there’s going to be a HUGE PARTY next weekend all up in that scene. maybe i’ll tool around in a segway like the geek i really am (not). THERE WILL BE oops caps, there will be bands and there will be a lexus or two i’m sure and there’ll be hipsters and other people you will pretend to not notice as is typical in this wonderful fucking city. check here for the band performance line-up. just when you thought live music was over for the summer, newp, not done just yet. i receive a gauntlet of dear raymi what should we do this weekend emails we’re from out of town blah bla etc etc. so look, there you go. get crushfucked in the beautiful naybe of the distillery district, have a nice dinner, break your ankle on some cobblestones and get laced at another chi chi event where i’m certain there’ll be a photo op backdrop and party photographers sliming their way through the crowd to take your photo so you better bring it (style). my esteemed party cohorts NotableTv are organizing this shin-dig which is like the oprah’s book club party stamp of approval, you’re in a for a good time. The last thing notable threw that i went to i came out of with a two day hangover. fuckin’ right ripped there terry.


look i got new snotty girl shoes.


and i’m buddy holly AND a doctor.


guess which one i bought.


look it’s my ass.


look i’m in missisSUCKa


look i am fake-walking for a photo. i bought these jeans from goodwill specifically to cut them into shorts. so weird buying something knowing you will be taking it home to alter it, feels like a waste of money cos what if it doesn’t work out? leap of faith? i bought three other pairs of jeans and some shit shirts. then i blew a bunch of money at h&m and dinner on curly haired fuckbag at watusi. god i love watusi. that’s my shitty date bar. beast refuses to go to it hahaha.


i drank a thousand coffees yesterday. during the other guys i was fighting panic attacks the entire way through.


too much food for that early in the day. all side orders. grilled tomatoes aren’t even on the menu.


h&m has these really great shirts right now go buy some up. i had to stop myself at 2.


necklace from claire’s. glad i didn’t get this weird crystal prism diamond thing.


part of the top of my hair is broken. i tore some out on accident from re-tying ponytails and buns so now i have a cowlick and i will never not look like garth.


these glasses correct drunken blurred stoned vision. awesome.


last photo of the day with hair down. got too muggy. when i opened the bar yesterday i did so in my bikini. why haven’t i been doing that all summer??? stupid.


overtired seconds prior to passing out barely remembered taking this.


still on island time. you know what, i don’t want to hear about anybody’s vacation. ever. i don’t care how your weekend at the cottage was and i don’t care what your next road trip is going to be like either. i am bitter. i am going to NOLA in september.


courtney walked by on her way to the supermarket. this is what i look like in a real life conversation. breathtaking. nice mom paunch shorts.


ugh astor’s not every drink has to be taken to a fuckin’ TEN ok. i drink coffee black short of that creamed up by something that is actually booze not sugar whip cream. woah why am i so aggro right now?


$2.98 shades from aldo with neck strings attached. go to aldo all their glasses and whatever else summer accessories are cheap. basically go to any store right now and it’s all clearances on summer stock what is this the penny saver? (yes).


oh great it’s just about to storm and i was pretty much dependent upon gyming my rage out plus its been two days.

a real nice post is on the horizon don’t worry.

got picked up at the bar last nite on my way out i was too gunned to stick around though. also a guy i gave my number to at the gym texted/called so he’s not gay. the girl and i at the front desk went through all the dudes in the gym’s photos til we found his. i came down and was like look i know this is entirely against company protocol but i don’t care he has my number anyway, but lets check out his photo you tell me if he’s gay or not (gym is practically in the village) and she’s all over it. the desk girls love me cos they’re bored out of their minds and i come in dripping in sweat, maybe stoned, putting back one of the energy shots basically i’m duffman. if it goes anywhere i’ll tell you more details about how we cruised each other so you can follow suit at your own gym. oh and i accidentally kissed a customer on the cheek last nite when he was paying his bill hahahahah ughhhhhh. he was like 6’8 and leaned down to thank my hospitality (fine young ass) and i leaned back up in and said you’re welcome/pecked him and then went ahhh sorry! then a chick in his circle (older-set) comes over blasted HEY DID YOU KISS THAT GUY? yes i did why am i in trouble sorry couldn’t help it he leaned in it was like kissing my dad it felt like family she laughs no big deal meanwhile his actual wife is out there givin’er too! i said is he out there bragging about it right now?? yes he is she says now this guy his friend is getting in line for one too.

if you need me i’ll be batting a thousand in the park.

i can’t help it i’m cheery i hug and kiss everyone it’s natural not forced and i’m affectionate i’ll hug a serial killer i don’t care i hugged mangy flea-ridden cats in mexico then i probably ate one the next day at the buffet. hey-o!

hi raymi


Hi Raymi –

Been a long-time reader of your blog-o-saga, and have to mouth off and say that this year has been the most amazing, basically because it hits home. I’ve had a parallel experience similar to what you’re going through now, but this is coming from the other side: I’m the guy in the equation.

Catherine and I were in love – the perfect couple. Passionate, common likes/hates, popular, and so verrry comfortable with our situation.

Till she told me out of the blue that things weren’t working, that there was too much she wanted to do with her life that didn’t include me. She wasn’t living enough for herself. The last thing she said to me was “Please, give me five years”. And she was out the door.

I won’t rag on about how I coped – this isn’t about me.

I didn’t see her again; even coincidentally, we didn’t cross paths. But, through friends and acquaintances, I heard she disappeared and decompressed for a while, traveled, broke her ass getting a degree, did all kinds of work, exorcised a few demons, and in the process, became a better and happier person. I knew this wouldn’t have happened if we stayed a static couple.

Since the cut between us was clean, my head assploded when I picked up the phone 5 years later, and heard her voice. Apropos the situation, we made chitchat for a bit. Most of what I had heard about her odyssey was true, I mumbled a bit about myself. Then, she asked the inevitable: “Want to get together today?”

Sigh, hem-haw, erm, (heart sinks), “No”.

Why? Because if we got back together, even for a day, I could never survive saying goodbye to her again.

And I’m too proud of Catherine to lay that shit on her.

I see you, Raymi, like I saw her, and I hear her when you have to lower yourself to defend your actions.

Go for it! Just be you, because you’re doing it right.


and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made


i am mary magdalene. wait, she was a hooker right? well based on everyone’s impression of the brief drake lounge chat-up i had sunday night and that guy thinking i was an escort and all…ha ha. i wish i could go back in time and change my response to eat shit and face meet bar top.


ten thousand day hangover. size two garth shirt and i are in a shrinking race.


it’s harder than you think to eat with a helmet on.





i was a bit nervous then a bit narcoleptic (almost!) on the back of this thing, knew it would cure my hangover a little. you just have to turn your head off while on it.


this looks way too fall for me. i love fall, we know this, but i’m not done with summer just yet.




cheeeeesy and cool. ginger i think is secretly working on a side website project of chicks on his bike pics cos he always makes me do one last pose on or near the bike. as if i don’t acquiesce.


this guy is from france, from the 60’s maybe? it is gorgeous. i shaved some parm then grated some with the mouli grater. made an arugula prosciutto olive/bals pepper tomato greens salad and polished off a bottle of rose with dad and shot the shit. now i have a date with mom and doctor appointment i am so tiiiired. my hair looks like garth algar’s right now and yesterday i looked like michelle fucking tanner with my rainbow pink argyle socks and red gallaz (chick division of globe sneakers. i want a shoe sponsor!) next time i come out here i’m bringing my longboard then i’ll get skeletal for sure. and 13 year old boyfriends.

i just listened to this song 20 times in a row. be like me.


the more i think about our wakestock experience the more i laugh my head off and hug myself with, glee? it was so fun and bizarre.



yes hello there.







ok have to dash its been real. real retarded.


Today’s plan: be hungover. CHECK.



i’m uploading infinity photos from wakestock right now just so’s you know. it may take awhile. WILL take awhile.

last nite was a nice little shit show. people were dancing on each other’s shoulders like it was wasaga fucking beach. insane dance party and the dj played 800000 songs. he was able to do this because he only played 20 seconds of each song. it got a bit annoying but then you’re like oh yeah my attention span right now is that of a fruitfly’s so no big deal. i wore malcolm x reading glasses and no one recognized me. awesome. in the lounge waiting for trish i said hi to one guy and he was like ??? i’m like dude i slept at your house! perfect. whole new girl. a euro old guy wedged himself close to me like some cliche hotel pickup gallery (which essentially it is) and i’m trying to eat my carpaccio and get my champagne on solo. he asks if i’m in business (i’m wearing toga dress, not my typical crushed sundays attire, ie. i look pretty) i’m all um, yeah, are you? aren’t we all? and give him a look. he says yes he’s in business. then silence. eventually he got the please fuck off point. just cos a woman is alone at a bar doesn’t mean she wants to be approached. or spoken to. only if you’re good looking. like i’m already in the very corner of the bar at the bar stop hovering all up on me i can’t breathe thinking about the claustrophobia.

and to clarify my meanness to guy at bar cruising me, if i wanted dinner company i’d have invited one of my 456589 boyfriends. if im there solo it means i want to eat alone. im paying to be alone. now, leave me alone unless i eyeball you over.






i still have 50 in my wallet i think i went out with 130. 50 is better than zero.

sort of picked up a 22 year old hilfiger model. he asks how old i am. i hate this game. they always say 23/24 to be safe. 27 i answer. dunno if it helps or hurts me, wasn’t interested all that much and also had to ask if he was gay or straight so i think we’re even in the rude questions department? don’t care. just another sunday.

was going to bring camera out but didn’t feel like being responsible. kinda wish i did now so many good photo opps. happy birthday anton!

halp my brainz and now i get to loser walk to my bike that i totally could’ve ridden last nite but trish said no. probably wise. so loser walk to bike then grab in the market cos i’m all out of stock. this feels like old times. i feel equal parts could eat a house right now and could die in the gutter. fantastic in other news. curly haired fuck gets back tonite from panama. i think i might join another dating site. i passively joined eharmony but you have to pay to see photos so that was a massive waste of time. i am not going to pay for a boyfriend. i am not that hard up. clem said if he doesn’t get a new girlfriend soon he is going to die or need to get a new liver. me too.

provocateur de cynic


there’s a bench of old men chiefs in trinity bellwoods that i bike by every single day (whether to work or gym) by the dirt path and they get maje enjoyment seeing me blow past in my bathing suit top and platinum hair. it’s pretty funny. takes me a few days to get over shyness of seeing the same person about town then i get to smiling at them then saying hello. blows their minds. floors them. speaking of the dirt path in bellwoods by the baseball field more southern in the park, i feel like there is a battle betwixt people on foot and cyclists. that path is kinda integral to cutting through the park yet people on foot get all staunch over walking space so i have to bounce off it and cruise the grass for a few as i’m gunning it up and up getting more exhausted and agitated. basically, fuck you lazy assholes, it’s a park! you can walk the fuck anywhere! get out of the way that path is for bikes and it’s a shitty path at that, so bumpy, rugged terrain, roots asunder, low tree branches death trap is what it is and then some slow yuppie ass family obstacles with baby strollers and relaxation footwear self-entitled dinkheads hogging up the way. i am going to mow you down one of these days and it will be a shit show so please if you hear a bike coming get out of the way or at least veer to the side a little and make room you selfish in the wrong crank.

whoops sorry that was the screwdriver speaking.


there was something else i wanted to complain about but i forget what it was. all my mental notes to self are like REMEMBER TO WRITE ABOUT THAT NAPKIN THAT MADE YOU THINK ABOUT SOMETHING IN A DREAM ONCE then i read it on a receipt or something and my brain takes the form of the riddler’s question mark superhero costume. remind me to tell you about a photo that made me almost crash my bike last nite as well as a woman who said she hated me yet reads my blog every single day i ran out of blog time.


check these waste cases out. bachelor party. they wanted to go to the rippers, i tried to talk the groom into it but his woman is too controlling so he got right pissed instead. got the led out for the boys then some teenage wasteland and other tommy who and a full on air guitar brawl was underway. i cracked my head on the old school fridge tap and have a massive contusion now. good thing i have bangs. good thing i injure myself DAILY.


groom on the right. best man on the left. both asleep while the boys give’r in the foosball room. i haven’t tended bar upstairs in months. it was fun. note the playboy mag.




love mirrored ceiling.


serious now guys.


evan works at suspect. he’s bros with eastern this funny ass asian guy who works in our mirvish hood who had no idea bout the henry bloggins of blogging what is raymi, just knew me as a regular civilian until his friend evan is like raymi works next door!? this girl i know is a massive fan and we’re going to hang and come see raymi. blew eastern’s drunk ass mind so they showed up for me to drop some raymi 411 on eastern’s ass all about this stupid internet dominance of mine. he’s in love with my dad’s band too, caught them when they played a couple months ago. think they’ll play central again in fall and you better not miss it. the wasps blew their loads big time over that gig. um what else yeah that’s me periodically takin’ a work minute rest to pose in a photo with a custy. can you imagine doing that? i know a lot of famous musicians/artists/actors have reg jobs in the industry where you can go and stare at them for hours by. happens to me. sometimes i won’t be told til i give them the bill, they’ll be like um, do you blog? i’ll be like you know very fucking well that i do thanks for telling me at the end of this and not at the beginning of serving you i’m racking my brain for all the stupid shit i could’ve possibly said to you over the last hour. you coulda got raymi the wicked instead of stressed out sweaty frazzled raymi. oh no wait that’s both.


friday nite went to the drive-in with ginger at polson pier. he had never been to the drive-in before what??? you couldn’t pay me $200 to tell you what the fuck the expendables was about we talked through so much of it and were completely gunned. predators also kinda sucked but we had a blast. it’s all about the experience of sitting in a car with the windows open drinking roadies smokin’ weed eating garbage popcorn in a huge lot staring at a screen listening to a film over the radio in the summer in the middle of a city. you should do it. make sure you hide your booze smartly though cos they check cars there. i’d tell you how i do it but i feel like it could get back to them? i mean the entire city reads this stupid blog so maybe i should shut up once in awhile? (not happening).


it was a hot nite. celibate hot. jeezus!


then i changed shorts cos someone razzed on my strawberry shortcake pink puffalump shorts.


this is what i looked like in september of last year.


hung with brosz7 yesterday afternoon.


drinks mix tour. in the coke we have fancy rum from wherever ginger got it. in the aloe absolut. belvedere in the diet coke and gin in the vitamin water new flavour (amazing blend fyi). has anyone tried that new coke that has ginseng in it? does it make you like the incredible hulk? i feel like i wouldn’t blink for a day if i had it. don’t think i won’t i’m a new product addict like mad.


retarded salad from crappy qb sports bar dinner date with my dad. beyond offensive grammar all over that menu so atrocious. makes you feel like a smugbag going over it. fuck, what doesn’t make me feel like a smugbag? ps. i just invented smugbag WHAT A SMUGBAG I FEEL LIKE RIGHT NOW. <-scredriver city. oh right this is a blackened chicken salad and it was actually decent. iceberg lettuce is for miscreants though, the chicken itself was spectacular. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894801826/in/photostream/ are you digging the non-order of these terrible blackberry shots? http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894761626/in/photostream/ stew is an awesome collector of knick knacks. i am so bummed he’s moving in september. we are both night owls. i’ll come home and text if he’s up and its literally a 3 second walk across the street. he’s moving into trish’s building (house?) and they want me to move into the floor on the top, also available. too rich for my blood. well it’s not i just like having lots of extra money to blow on shit i don’t need. well, i’m actually saving for travel. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894158385/in/photostream/ how do you get rid of knee scars? http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894157899/in/photostream/ not to be conceited or anything but i have wicked gams. sometimes it’s like i can be the epitome of bloated and it doesn’t matter cos there are no cankles in sight. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894752590/in/photostream/ etc etc http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894751530/in/photostream/ lucas hung as crap. me on way to gym. aren’t those mel’s shorts? hahaha. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894155665/in/photostream/ it’s a good life. i know i’ll look back on this period of singledom depression and be like what the hell was i thinking this life is awesome! i did exactly whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and answered to fucking no one. buck the f up guy! melucas get drunk sentimental pre-emptive nostalgic over me living with them too sometimes then we all hug crying and beat each other up. i love them. we gang up boss lucas around too it’s pretty funny. poor guy (loving every second of it). i have to go hug them right now brb. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894156285/in/photostream/ torture time. i felt like puking about here. sometimes you just push it too hard i guess. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894750424/in/photostream/ after gym brosz7’s. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894749994/in/photostream/ i’m developing a fondness for cider. i think i get off on the face flush high it gives me. probably an allergic reaction. well that’s what gin blossoms is right? can i talk about more alcohol in this post christ. http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4894749506/in/photostream/ melodie says i am eating way too much tuna/salmon/sashimi/sushi etc. i am being an asshole to the planet (sustainable food) and signing myself up for mercury poisoning. fiiiiiiiine. ok newsies i think that’s all i have in me for now. i just had a shower now i have to do hair makeup and plan for dinner then don’t forget it’s strung out sundays (even though i’m not strung out) so you know what that means. it means i am not going to tweet anything retarded hopefully. miss you like a hole in the head. we made it through the week. xoxo -my little pony