Monthly Archives: January 2009

coronary, anyone?

Posted on by

the following is brought to you by starvation dementia.

gawd lawdy lawdy hi! DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!! fuck it’s a close race i can’t take it man and why do i care? i dunno, well i do, and will elaborate more on that after a jug of coffee.

over christmas fil’s mom saw the teeny brush i’d stubbornly been using on my wet hair and flipped (not really) so she bought me my own big girl comb. aw. life’s gonna change now boys.

no more ghetto rings thanks to nat’s extras.

you will not believe who i get to see tonite, strictly for irony’s sake of course, oh man i’m bursting, kinda sorta, but you will have to wait for that news however, speaking of won’t believe it, remember pitt? well he’s a sober sally now and totally a drama queen, i mean, he’s in a play (a racy one at that) called bedrooms and it opens this upcoming weekend (we’re going of course). he plays a dude who tries to get a threesome going haha.

here’s a little chat we just had

Patrick: On Jan 8, 9, and 10 the Poor Cousin Theater Co., will be doing a production of “Bedrooms” at the Oakville Centre For Performing Arts.

me: can i mention that you’re a sober sally now

Patrick: if you think that has a hook, i have no shame about it
“Bedrooms” is a set of five comedies that explore the uncertain journeys of love, marriage, fidelity and getting older
For me the real story of all this is the director Leslie Carelse

me: right but my readers know you

Patrick: I know, I’ll make the relation for you to post. When I was about 12, or 13 my mom threw me into the Parks And Recreation Program in Oakville to keep me out of trouble. There I met Leslie who was the fixture of young actors in Oakville.
He taught the “Art of Acting Program”. I used it as a place to meet girls, but I can sincerely say that a lot of my make up today was augmented by what I learned under his tutelage

me: big words pitt!

Patrick: I’m sober now, and have more time to read the dictionary. Through the magic of facebook, I organized a drink up in Oakville about a year ago of old actors from this program. Leslie and I came up with an idea of an alumnist show. Leslie got auditions going for a bunch of his students over the last 2 or more decades. And put together this Theater Company: “Poor Cousin”. Basically he (we) are trying to bring in a younger crowd to Oakville’s theater culture.

me: can i just quote you verbatim

Patrick: If you like, but feel free to edit or ask questions. There’s been a lot of ups and downs that went into this production, but I truly believe Leslie is onto something, I’m really happy to be a part of it. There’s too many shows that cater to the old blue hairs and remote control corpses of Oakville. While the Burbs will never have the hipster culture of Toronto, or even Mississauga for that matter, it’s a nice little niche of cool in an otherwise stuffy city.

me: well i look forward to seeing it


fil took this picture, it was my idea for the chick to show more skin she had the sheet over her shoulders like a nana, i said maybe you should tuck it under your arms like so. ME!

Patrick: That’s why I want you and Phil to come see it, be a part of it and so forth. This is a legacy and the fact that Leslie has rounded up his students (some pro actors, others clearly not) to do this is cool. And I play a guy trying to get a threesome on with his Mistress and Sex Therapist…so I don’t think that’s something Oakville has seen too much of.
Oh and you and Fil get to see me prance around on a stage in my underwear again, so it’ll be like Old times.

me: no i doubt it
yeah nothing new there
ok this is good, heartfelt, you’re really a believer

For tickets call 905.815.2021 (toll free: 1.888.489.7784) or visit
the Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts box office
http://www.oc4pa.ca/boxoffice.htm

ok guise here’s some shit

Posted on by

freshly watched pineapple express just now and nothing makes me wish i smoked pot more than this “fill-im” oh man YEAH. anyway, i see that i am “winning” in this blog awards poll thing (but not by enough yet!) and i thank you for your time, i’d like to sweep the hell out of it so whatever it takes, help a brother out, just pretend i’m black, and your brother, and not at all a drunk, and that this is all copacetic, actually, you should just know that everything that i have ever said on the internet EVER has and always WILL be, copacetic. more than emails from your mother.

so yeah, i’m cool, they drool.

A VOTE FOR RAYMI IS LIKE THE VOTE YOU COULDN’T CAST FOR OBAMA. and you get to do it all over again tomorrow and 5 days after that. ugh.

JUST SAYING! (CANADA)

i will not *regret this in the morning!

*un-regret not guaranteed.

The 2008 Weblog Awards

WORLD YOU CAN START VOTING NOW!

Posted on by

VOTE FOR RAYMI THE MINX!

VOTE FOR RAYMI THE MINX!!!

VOTE FOR RAYMI THE MINX!!!!!!!!

VOTE FOR RAYMI THE MINX!!!!!

VOTE FOR RAYMI THE MINX!

please thanks i love you terribly and scarily! every 24 hours you can vote again for the next week, and unfortunately i will remind you of this every 2 hours for the next week.

i am biting my nails like cray cray over here and by the end of the week i will be a big pile of mess i just know it. perfect timing for menses, post holiday blues, a dermatology appointment (getting that huge thing cut off my shoulder finally) and ten million other neurotic (imagined) things as usual.

come up with bribe ideas in my comments if you wish, a painting? a book? a sock? a rock? a cid’s whisker? a week long bender with yours truly? more shitty diet advice that will probably kill you?

ok i’m going to go sit cross-legged in the shower yoga style and meditate.

pfffffffft yeah right.

well, i will come up with a hilarious alphabetical list of reasons why i SHOULD WIN so you have something to look forward to.

The 2008 Weblog Awards

puh puh puh puh post seeeeeecret shhhit

Posted on by

HI, WELCOME TO THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE (AND ESPECIALLY THE INTERNET) HAVE WE MET? and while on the subject of grammar, i think “people WHO can’t spell” sounds more correct. ah, burn.

dramatically change your appearance then or move on, actually, just move on, but not before an enormous blow-out confrontation fight that you will then email me about and i can post on my blog. does he make clothing suggestions too? red flag lady! you’ve seen the signs now act.

you’re fuckin’ sick dude, and pathetic. i hope your wife finds out, and she will, and your daughter (assuming you have one cos the perviest guys are always ALWAYS fathers to daughters, it’s like the best irony and just desserts ever) has inherited this gene of yours, fantasize about THAT pussy you pig.

sigh, insert did you keep a receipt joke here. moreover, D-I-V-O-R-C-E or go on oprah and cry on tv about it. no, just leave him the selfish twat.

yeah sorry there peaches but the bullshit detector’s goin’ bananas over here you (alleged) little slut. come up with an original line to divulge your bad girl attention-seeking secret next time and maybe i will give a care and way to go all out on the postcard design too. YAWN. you couldn’t even bother to draw a lightning bolt or a broken heart or a dollar sign why, hurts too much?

OOOOOOoooooh look, someone put down their erotic gas station fiction for a second to declare something totally revolutionary WOAH my brain just did a 360 i can’t wait for the next card about HOT FIREMEN and SVELTE LIFEGUARDS and PROFESSORS BY DAY INDIANA JONES BY NIGHT babes where have i been all this time guys? what’s that you say, water is WET!? GET OUT!

ok that sounds fun actually save for the unnecessary dress judging line, you got greedy. the wedding on the stairs is spectacle enough as is you didn’t have to go full throttle bitchy and ho ho look at this, you spelled roommate incorrectly (snicker) and i’m guessing neither of you are married and you follow-up saturday’s depression activity watching 27 dresses and inhaling whip cream, no?

jesus fuck who are these people? you do not even deserve a baby step OCD kid gloves lesson here just pick your nose alone FOREVER and get out of my face.

why cos you’re ugly? heinous? a hyper-demanding high maintenance controlling emotionally-inept philandering piece of shit? do you want to be alone? no? yes? are you gloating? i can’t feel sympathetic for you cos i get the sense you are being half-arrogant about this yet are also crying out, but you’re a dude, and dudes are stubborn, so you won’t change or do anything to make an effort in the personal life department so whatever, no one’s to blame but you, and your father.

OH, BLOW ME.

dear: person who stumbled upon the simplest job ever who puts up 20 postcards on his blog ONCE A WEEK, yes, take a break you are so burdened, so totally burdened by these ridiculous postcards you don’t have to lift a fucking finger for they just keep rollin’ on in all you have to do is close yours eyes and randomly select 20 and then scan them, crushingly tiring i know, i know, there there, take a load off, you work so hard. pffffffft.

you are a nice person, a truly nice human, i love you.

um, then stop having it with dudes cos you’re probably a lesbian.

nerd, next year you should include an elaborate instructions/rules sheet, yeah? specifically stating that they must display your tacky creation until it is caked in dust and stale to all fuck and rendered inedible because THAT is what christmas is all about right? unless they were your loser stoner roommates, then that’s hilarious to me *sorry hahahaha. why did you capitalize ATE? what were they supposed to do marvel at its crapitude for days on end? get over yourself martha.

*not sorry.

ugh. ughhhhh. UNGH. can i meet this abomination of a woman and slap her for you? why are moms such giant fucking clichés? you need to SHUT HER DOWN NOW next time she says something negative you have to snap back, don’t even tell her it hurts, just zing her back, cut her off, point out HER flaws, remark upon them loudly and as frequently as she makes digs at you, SOMETHING, compare whatever shitty thing she says about you to something she herself has failed upon then proclaim wow mom, what a role model you are! thank you! thank you for granting me the sufficient skills necessary enough to go out into this world and achieve and better myself with, how selfless of you mom! my, what-a-martyr! your projectile insecurity doesn’t get me down at all, in no way does it hinder or obstacle me you fucking cow.

errrrrr, meme here anybody? do you know that that bullshit claim is uttered every time a rubik’s cube is revealed? you’re just the first tool to go all the way with it. do me a favour, make the L-sign with your hand and stare in a mirror for an hour.

BYE.

business

Posted on by

the voting poll opens (begins) at midnite (in twelve hours) or shortly thereafter so my first bribe for you for making the effort to help me win this thing is to do a postsecret post today, soon, like, very. you have to vote for me once a day, lazies. did i not keep blogging all through being sick and the holidays when the rest of the internet was dead? you’re welcome.

bookmark THIS LINK pass it around to your grandma and tell everyone to vote for raymi the minx. THANKS MUCHLY!

The 2008 Weblog Awards

fuck it dude, lets go bowling.

Posted on by

so we ventured to bowlarama who the fuck knows where, troy picked us (fil steph me) up (his 30th birthday!) with natalie and off we went despite my being in the middle of a, say level 6, anxiety attack and it was stop and go saturday traffic along bloor with five manic personalities going at once, music changing every two seconds, some on crazy come down drugs/medicines, interesting ride to say the least. once we got there and annihilated a corona i was on easy street.

ole pinky was the favoured ball.

new pants already need a shrinking i look like i just got off a mcdonald’s shift.

oh so nerdy. yesterday’s bowling outfit blew it SORRY i was in the middle of a panic attack and almost shoved ten things in my purse holy britney spears. i settled on one extra sweater thing thanks to steph who enables my costume changes. steph i know you watch intervention religiously so you KNOW what enabling IS and thank you for it.

a serious pose.

purple was also a fave.

stressed much? this is why we don’t bowl, someone takes it extremely seriously, the fact that they aren’t very good. seriously, WHO IS? it’s meant to be fun and a reason to stand around drinking and talking shit about each other. relax pill, fil! HUG.

tech’d out!

gross.

ok we GET IT episode of roseanne, chill.

WHY WAS MY NAME PUT LAST?

you write one little anecdote about acne then mount suvius erupts out of your cheek (MENSES TIME). ahh that lighting is so flattering.

party bar.

i requested girl shoes and the guy just gave me duds with ninja turtle laces instead, fine close enough. i totally spied some yellow/orange fluorescent pairs don’t lie to me!

pretentious.

more pretentious. next up, will be a series of abandoned small town gas stations and decrepit motels at sunset.

i’m winning.

still winning, so a fluke i didn’t know what was going on at all. poker with me isn’t frustrating at all.

anxiety attack relief, this little genius recreates the sensation of popping bubble wrap over and over and if you stop a little japanese voice says little japanese things to you. it saved me. steph also went to town on it.

WINNER! ME!

then out came the ginger and the flasks. what do you got, cc? me, crown.

oh just a regular guy, you know?

guy behind steph in the green shirt is the brother of troy (birthday boy) who took bowling one million per cent seriously and did not at all enjoy when natalie threw her ball down their lane (my idea thanks to my brother) when troy was going for a “world record” hahaha. they broke their machine by punching it a few times. intense, intense players hey guys come to fun town sometime maybe, being us.

OH OF COURSE the disco comes on at 9 exactly when our games ended, way to go bro so fair.

birthday troy.

oh like you didn’t know it was coming.

so much pressure what pose to strike HA pun, or pin??

oh yes.

we went there.

PARTY ANIMALALALALAL!

seriously, merry christmas.

we almost kiefer sutherland’d it.

wtf

someone wanted in the prize room which probably wasn’t the prize room i think it was just a store more importantly who cares.

sigh.

CLASS. ACT.

a birthday embrace.

trying to figure out what the fuck next some were a little more impaired.

check ya later hosers!

dad drove us home. nat’s car was broken into a few weeks ago and a ton of shit was stolen out of it. she was like yeah that’s nice i work my ass off i’d love to do drugs all the fucking time and break into cars and steal shit too, awesome thanks. natalie, don’t leave expensive things in your car!

¿Por qué

then i changed my insecure outfit and we went to tortilla flats, it was nice, that’s as long as i lasted though so no dancing and intense personal trainer hugs at stone’s place were had for this guy, steph came back to sit on the couch and talk through television with me.

HI SUNDAY!

A drunkard takes it all in like a friend

Posted on by

i really love (being blasted in) the harbord room’s facilities.

i turned the vase around specially for me/you.

i am NOT doing the bullshit sign, my fingers naturally fall that way. there’s a picture of my nana waving from a car in the 80s and it looks like she’s doing the bullshit sign, isn’t, as well as another photo of her a bit tipsy at my uncle’s wedding, same “rock on” alignment, unintentional. as if you were even looking at my hand check that figure.

i couldn’t find the chalk and even if i could what would i say HI IM RAYMI READ MY BLOG RAYMITHEMINX.COM BALBLA LBLAAHA everyone else had scrawled poetic meaningfulisms i didn’t want to sully it. for once. GUYS AM I GROWING UP OR WHAT!

itchy foot, new pants, burnin’ through that swedish wal*mart’s gift card let me tell ya.

nice roots, bangs are growing out i toy with the idea of cutting them again then i look at pictures of lohan and stop myself from entertaining such thoughts.

on to classier digs, and was reunited with the presence of one of many rude to me bartenders whom ignored me and i ignored her but chatted up fil to be passive aggressive. weak. brad what’s with your psychotic territorial tending buds, honestly? sass your ex was there.

i played the bubble hockey with sharpie and won and then a dude played with me and beat me then when we walked back to our respective parties one of the geezers at his said SO DID YOU PLAY FOR SEX? something like that. nice subtlety there guy and nice muscle t-shirt by the way.

do you want to read something profound that i mull over every time i look up at a bar ceiling? no? me either. haven’t fleshed it out yet oh yeah i had an anxiety attack this morning so that’s what you’re dealing with.

let me preface this with N-O J-U-D-J-I-N-G! i returned something, got a gift card, so these babes only set me back 68 86 cents and the pumas i was very close to considering were v sam ronsonesque and i think i’m too old to be dressing like i dance to hip hop but now come to think of it that chick is 31 so what the hell?

i’m going for a thom yorke in the JUST music video look here, get it? now someone just has to bop me in the eye.

i think blue laces will sort ‘em out. i almost asked some guy if he thought they were ridiculous, his girl was looking at ugg-type boots and he looked so wiped out but was mesmerized by my retarded shoe stress pacing and how they totally did not go with the shit i was wearing at the time, and he was a square so i doubt he would “get” “it” so i didn’t bother. 68 86 cents later i was on my way.

have a good one fuck it’s half past 2 already jeez.

ps. THIS was on tv last nite, i promise you your barf will barf watching it.

The 2008 Weblog Awards

your breath is performance art

Posted on by

oh great not this again. up against dooce AGAIN for best diarist. i won it in 2006 mainly because she never mentioned it on her site. i have never heard of the other blogs in my category, can’t wait to read their snide raymi digs, yeesh. voting begins in 3 days and i will likely nag the crap out of you. do i not deserve this award? i think so.