this was a surreal experience, bittersweet on a quiet beautiful snowy night, all the women in tiaras, on her birthday. everyone holding a balloon representative of a year of this special woman’s life. that’s two times this month i’ve held a symbolic white object to form a human body birthday cake.
her kids are kind of awesome and now i have new friends. in burnoutington! the cast of people here have been friends since they were in kindergarden, neighbourhood gang. like how we were on falconer. one of their brood, a key member, is who they lost.
rachel’s bf reminded us of my ex, the one with a camera and a black shirt, saying nothing much really. he’s a cool guy though, nuked one of the hundred dessert brownies i ate. oh god. i actually barfed last night after all of this. i am a binge eater. i should be on one of those shows. my brother and i and everyone gorged. i don’t even want to show you the stacks of food we created thank god i am not italian if i had to go to family functions all the time (and they’re all the time cos the family is huge and everyone’s married with babies by the time they get their periods and then there’s christenings and other ridiculous bullshit and food is how these people cope)(please invite me to something hah) i would be violet beauregarde as the bloated blueberry.
aw look at little hailey. she and mary lynne were my little groupies. ML wants me to come up with a nickname for her and held me to it since i last saw her at the funeral. she looks like dakota fanning and she calls me Bluren, my old nickname. i think i am going to exclusively hang out with teenagers and kids from now on if i can help it. i took a ton of photos of hailey, mary lynne and c (bro’s gf’s son) all looking super cool on the couch in the livingroom can’t wait to look at them. ML gave me her email too. email buddy!
had to get my dad and bob out to the balloons, gave them each my two so i didn’t release any. i was too hyper about capturing the moment and my camera battery died as the last balloon floated up out of sight, i got just one more shot of the group and then it died. a sign?
feeling like a heffer i went to the firehall with the gang, my lady gang. the (instigator) guy here has braces. i asked who this polish nightmare was to his table of buddies and they diiiied laughing. they assisted in the aiding of that joke though cos one said here he comes, wearing track pants. i am a comedic expert. use what other people say to build off of. this woman? i have no idea who she is but she taught me a better version of blowing kisses, trashiest version ever. you slap your ass and then do it. ahaha sick thanks.
sang so much last night felt like actual work. killed it. i sang lulu’s to sir with love. that’s how you work the crowd over in the beginning, old school. then i did cry me a river (also amazingly, freestyling the in-between parts from memory) um then i did don’t let me down and then i did the shoop shoop song. i sort of helped robin do cowboy (not really) and she won $25. i won $50 and my mom flipped on the manager. the guy who won sounded like pots and pans falling down the stairs as he butchered fight for your right to party. i booed the entire time. the manager was like i know i know he sucks. anyway, guess who is hooked up indefinitely at the FH now? i said look it’s not about money i don’t care, me and these ladies we just want to be looked after when we come cos you benefit after the fact on facebook, plus the place is crawling with men too, and i am bringing a pack of women. i had a billion coasters with my name on it in the draw (it’s a draw so i am basically whining about not guessing the correct number of jellybeans at the church bazaar)(ooh how do you like that reference?) but also, all the other regulars, AND karaoke ringers were pretty miffed too, and used-feeling. seriously if you heard this jack ass sing (you call that singing?) you would barf diarrhea rage too. he was also wearing a stupid hat.
a friend of my cousin and blog fan (hi thanks for the peppermint schnapps that made me retch at 4 in the morning) was there and came at me with open arms and me being the desperate affection-starved fuzzy angel of cuddles stepped right into her arms not knowing who or what she was but her face was adorable so i went with it but at the same time she is going I LOVE YOU you’re amazing blog blog etc ahahah please keep going. anyway she was like, i told my friends and husband about you, this girl, who is like, probably at the firehall tonight singing and drinking for free so that you can write about it the next day. i just sat there and laughed kind of, yeah, yeah, you are kind of fucking right. pegged. meanwhile i am clutching the $50 gift card i just finagled for myself.
a friend of robin’s kept calling me courtney and i kept thinking he meant my friend courtney who i saw two days ago (ahahah seriously) and KEPT going WHERE? and then i would remember he meant me, as in courtney love. then i’d get mad and glare at him.
it was hard to have game with those rubber boots and mc hammer pants on but i made it happen in the end i think. i forgot my jeans and real outdoor shoes.
i became notorious “blond in bob marley shirt” instantly. brother’s gf’s son said i was his hero for wearing that shirt. i forgot how powerful rock shirt statements are and how cool influencing important to kids. i said to my mom, how do they know it’s a bob marley shirt the name is cut off by my pants. i think rasta colours are universally known. i think the person in life i am fooling most, is myself. you mean, I’M NOT INVISIBLE?
i assume every single female staff member is a lesbian or, they will be when i am through with them. i may or may not get flirted with by some of them.
the hot one is one of the managers, not the one i whined to. she took care of us last week and sent shots over this week (beginnings of polar bear peppermint throat destruction when passing in the other direction) and it’s too bad you can’t see her heels. girl has it going on. ha look over her head.
definitely channeling some courtney. guess how many times i had to talk about my fucking tattoo yesterday at the FH. ughhhhhhhh. a blythe doll! a what? A BLYTHE! WIFE? NO! DOLL A DOLL!
pahahah this is so behind the scenes magic hilarious to me i wish i had photoshop so i could make glitter sparkle frames on some of these.
FITNESS IS FUN! GO TEAM! WHEEE! actually you should get a load of my nail polish right now. it’s barbie pink and called PINK LINGERIE. i’m regressing back to jem and the holograms barbie rock and roll star stage playing barbies with brooke and making them f— attack each other. that shit goes down how fast, ten minutes?
choreographed dance routine will turn into aerobics video, it’s from my jazz class. casie has a dance background too. she can do the splits. and push-ups standing up, using her hands as feet.
we got prematurely sweaty before the globe and mail girls arrived. i wanted to get my work out in, james trained us after the interview anyway. i was like, you do not know working out until you’ve done it with cake face. i look like a white cake dripping with sweat at the end. casie was SOAKED. can’t wait to see what they use of us.
putting on aerobics clothing is hell. all these tight taught elastic banded compartments that scrape at your skin and make you feel like a blob sausage. it’s important to be tight though cos you move around and sweat and to answer your question krista no my socks don’t fall down. they’re very tight.
they call me WHITE LIGHTNING. no, i mean, this move is called the thunderbolt pharaoh. you know what casie? we should just join a wrestling league. it’s all acting anyway right? fuck blogging. wrestling is where it’s at. how many people watch that shit and bet on it obsessively?
my sixty minutes moment. when i sat down here this is when rosa and kathryn looked at each other and mouthed/whispered blond girls so many views… hahaha.
blabbing like crazy while james was being interviewed. got shushed a bit. everyone was talking while my interview was being done so i didn’t see what the big deal was and the music was blaring too.
hey skid row, how are you feeling right meow? headache? hung? well good. that’s what you get for being crush fuck losers. no worries, you’re in good company. i myself, had an early night at my dad’s here didn’t get much drunk at all. i’ve been awake since 8am but i fell back asleep and then i woke up ten to ten. my dad wanted to sleep in and you can hear everything in this house from any direction no matter where you are there is no escaping noises, it’s basically a cottage here.
that i am erupting out of. see the ass rip, i created that at the central on the latch of the booze cupboard. i was like oh perfect, melodie is just going to absolutely LOVE this modification to her special expensive skinny pants someone leant her! haha she fixed it and wears them now.
does someone want that last of the raymi mohicans bag? i know a cluster of fanatics whose shrines need an injection. i need to get rid of things too, the clutter is driving me insane.
this musician guy lives in my hood now. i haven’t seen him once since this day, no wait maybe i did at the central? that’s how we met. i cruised lots of dudes there. musicians. then they’d go back to play again, we would pretend nothing was up and meanwhile one of the new girls would be like ooh he’s hot, i’d be all, go for it i already hit it. hahaha.
seriously are you retarded, aim for my head, you even have a screen to aid you and see me on. what a luxury i can only dream of the days to have a camera with a functioning screen again. and have you seen this jacket? it is missing. did you steal it from adventurehouse?
this hat was getting on my nerves at this point. sean is wicked, but i don’t like these hats. it’s something about the big button on the top or the design, it’s too THIS IS A HAT IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE for me. it’s like bam margera level self conscious.
and these what the hell do they think they’re trying to pull off here? we get it, that’s your side and this is their side. babies. (it does look really cool in person though).
i also have gorgeous hands. i do. secret: i look at your hands and judge accordingly. i’ll take a mechanics dirty mitts over some girl’s deformed stumpy fat fingers any day. you can be all hot shit you like but your hands, you can never change them. MEAN GIRL INSIDE!
then i nexted sean and went to hang with rob. here he is making fun of me in my room for the inaugural parkdale boys club meeting. melodie was there too.
the bonus hilarity of this is what he’s saying, actually took place. i gave him the keys to my blog for a week when i went to deep river to work on my book and people loved it.
i arrive to this. what hotel was i at? the thompson? forgive me, the night prior was sloppy and the one before that, sloppier. it was like i was on vacation in my own city. get ready to see me as a skeleton.
my gal jenny b. this hang was the second nail in the coffin of whatever bonds or sides one takes in a divorce, separation, you name it. we were both in the same position more or less. made amends. kind of really dig one another. lets do this.
this night is how i became legit bredren with the sound academy. jenny had tickets for this dj she liked and so i didn’t bother trying to use any of my magic raymi beans to hook up the behind the scenes dazzle, so then i referred to the sound academy as the suck academy as a joke. then my broski was like yo dawg why you acting all messed up towards me and i was like yo dawg why YOU acting all messed up towards MEEE. we hugged, he said i can go to anything there ever like king midas, bing bang boom.
it was like, walking around as a fucking torch. two torches. and have you ever been to the sound academy as a night club e-tard scene before? white strobe lights contact highs over and yonder. that scene in vanilla sky, tom cruise, the mask, the bizarre, so drawn to it.
my nails were bare for once. i might have subconsciously had them bare the night prior, britt’s birthday, at boehmer, my ex across from me at the huge group dinner table in the back. preferred bare nails.
these were the shoes she was wearing this night. i think we’re the same height, one is slightly taller than the other. might be her. anyway, she made fun of my socks and said men love toe cleavage so i left them at the hotel. with my camera. we only have pics of our hotel party.
eight hundred million dollar pizza. i was like dude i’m hungry but i can just starve i don’t wanna pay for this shit and she’s all money isn’t an issue. order up! jenny was also quoting ke$ha rhymes the whole time, tik tok, and it kept blaring on the hotel clock radio.
see how my bangs and top are platinum and the ends more brassy? that’s why i cut my hair. i wanted platinum only. despite jenny saying i won in the hair department.
and then we were at the central and black out ate veggie burgers and didn’t pay. look how miserable those girls are near us. aw. central dude staff loved jenny.
our cabbie was trying to fuck with us too. i pretended we were both vancouver tourists he immediately tried to loop-dee-loo wild goose chase us and i snapped, oh no you don’t and he knew right away i busted him. meanwhile jenny’s feet are on the ceiling of the taxi.
jenny would be my one shit show wild bender friend and i am that to her. guys have a bro like this you know right. you tell each other month’s in advance a general zone of incoming to prepare one another for the impending hours of pedal to the shit show metal.
we made it to the hotel and lying in her bed completely blitzkrieged before the spins could even try to take effect i was in a cab off to the red flag’s before either of us could even get near the possibility of ridiculous sloppiness we might both regret and thus not be each other’s hurricane suicide blond.
i woke up like this, (no in his bed) and it took me awhile to piece back my night and figure out how the hell i had gotten there. i spent the day watching precious and being nursed back to health then went back to normal eventually throughout the week.
the following is an email, subject: a love letter.
dear raymi,
i love your blog. i love seeing toronto in the back ground. i lived in the city for 4 years, and now i live in the middle of no where (rural *******) so i live vicariously through you.
i loved your walk down memory lane today. i get up to ontario’s cottage country a couple times a year (***** and ***** harbour) and i’ve also been the girlfriend in the spoke club. i’ve also puked in that bathroom – i actually burst out laughing when i saw that grey tile.
so thanks for the constant visuals of my favourite places. i am the queen of nostalgia and every time you mention or photograph a place i’m familiar with (i used to live and work in the annex) i sigh a million (happy) sighs.
keep doing what you’re doing. i so want to buy you a drink some day.
started writing a letter of disdain to our internet provider but then the technician showed up and jacked our wireless speed/fixed it. i’m still going to finish the letter and then say i’m going to publish it on my blog including their company name unless we get half a year of free service. they’re already comping march. anyway, here is my letter. the internet went down as i was trying to finish my last post and then my final last nerve was shot. i can only scream out motherf—-r into my empty room so many times.
tell me if this is too insane or not insane enough:
Dear ****,
I can’t tell you how angry I am presently. Well, actually I can, and will.
At first when your service went down in my neighbourhood (parkdale) about two weeks ago, I was mellow about it. I simply just went to my dad’s in Burlington and used his internet for a few days. Slightly inconvenienced. I am a city girl, a socialite, and it makes a difference if I am not in Toronto mid-week as that is when the majority of social functions/events take place. I came back this past Saturday as I had an appointment with a client. The internet was still spotty and slow, four days after the initial maintenance issue began. Fine, so I sojourned back to the suburbs for use of internet there, at this point I am about half as mellow now. I come back Monday morning and STILL the internet is wonky. This is frustrating for my entire city household, one of us is a student and the other’s, myself, livelihood depends on the internet. I am a blogger and I require internet morning, noon and night, I never get a day off. I write you now, it’s been over a week since the first hiccup in your faultiness to bounce back technically. I actually cannot pinpoint the day when the internet first let us down, it’s possible it began longer ago than I am thinking, no matter, it’s been bloody long enough as yesterday was the most frustrating day for me to play catch-up work-wise. I don’t think I blinked once staring into my computer monitor waiting for things to load and publish and send. It was brutal. I work from home, I do not want to leave my home to use internet in a coffeeshop.
Long story short, your technician just showed up and now everything is working fine and dandy and faster than ever. Job well done two weeks later. You are comping us a month’s free service it is my understanding. That is not satisfactory enough for me. I request six months.
I do not intend to back down from this or take no for an answer.
I will be publishing this on my blog which pulls in 10,000 pageviews DAILY. I’m sure many of those viewers are ***** customers too.
My roommates have lost many hours waiting on hold with you. I myself have lost many valuable workday hours. Two weeks to send someone by to remedy a service is unacceptable.
Also, the manner in which my roommate was spoken to by your customer service representatives while troubleshooting all of this is abhorrent, it would not have been pretty if that was me on the phone. While my other roommate has been inspired by this fiasco so much so he’s begun his own website called waitingonholdwith**** the majority of the content is photos of him, yep, waiting on hold with your company.
I look forward to hearing from you at your soonest convenience. Based on your track record, I will not be holding my breath.
Yours, RLW.
clearly i cannot at all do math or tell time. when am i?
btw i have a tumblr thing. some people when they are done here they aren’t actually done at all. they need MORE of me. there is never enough raymi.
this was an amazing weekend. michael jackson died this day. we heard his tunes blasting at weber’s in line and all the kids were dancing. i love summer time kids their brains are perma-fried into thinking they’re in australia it’s great. anywhooooo.
i did not feel good enough here. fit enough. ridiculous. tell tale sign of a girl’s insecurity, if she’s wearing a scrunchie or an elastic hair-tie for a bracelet it means she doesn’t feel comfortable in her skin so she flops between ponytail to hair down, ugh. so exhausting i cannot wait to be mellowed out one day.
spoke bathrooms are the best to take pictures of yourself in. you’re not supposed to take photos in there in case you catch a philanderer philandering. the bartender is supposed to greet the member as if he didn’t see him the night prior with his mistress. LOVE THAT SHIT! discretion really is a lost dying art and i know that is super rich coming from me. i still have many skeletons i’ve snuffed into submission in my closet, never you mind or worry.
here i am the eve of my burlesque audition at the central. i had to work late and i cried about it cos i was promised to get off early so i could rest up for the audition. i made the cut despite my late night. here is how i looked the next day for my audition.
i made sure to pull out all the balletesque stops i could to ensure a successful audition. that bra is now covered in sequins and jewels. i need to go on a bra hunt.
this chick likes girls more than boys. she’s twenty. i was the elder at this bar. so coyote ugly of me. it was a good transition back in to the city which went hardcore real quick. definitely seasoned my face a bit, the underweight is also to blame. you can get your young face back you know. i know i can and will.
clem was never even able to open up my bullshit resume. my winning email is how i got hired. i sent a photo of myself standing behind the bar at the central the night of my art show there and said here i am looking good behind your bar, i am now 40% HOTTER than this photo and then i said a bunch of baloney about social media and being a key player and how i just beat out margaret atwood AND the mayor for toronto’s top tweeter of 2010 nice. brosz7 gave me a head’s up that clem was a bit of a scoundrel so then i knew what to do to get hired. everything fell in to place, that job and my room at adventurehouse. new life lets do it!
wow twitter why don’t you be down some more right now so i can’t blast this post and get up off my ass to do real world stuff like stare at myself endlessly in the mirror and congratulate myself on acquiring pinned out wombat eyes thanks to the slowness of the net today, twitter, blogging like a maniac, being a maniac and acquiring spine problems from sitting like a hunchback.
i sweated this outfit off (i changed, hey relax no newdy) immediately when army guy showed up. army guy is actually military guy now. you try wearing a sweater shirt in a sunbeam. i didn’t clean my room cos he was making all these jokes about how we weren’t going to do anything, i didn’t even shower after the gym. after his long drive into the city he had to use the bathroom. or that was his trick to get inside. my room was a disaster. so in my sweater shirt lickity split i tidied up the tickle trunk. (by the way one of the rooms in adventurehouse is going to be called compliments corner. luc came up with it at mitzi’s inadvertently)(isn’t inadvertently how everything comes up?)
military guy and i hit it off. lots of build up too. it’s been several months, we met off pof. corresponded. both killed our accounts but remained facebook friends. had he lived in the city we would have met a long time ago. i am impulsive, not good at long distance planning and then day of, possible bailing from both parties. i knew i would like him, i just didn’t feel read yto meet him from all the other bullshit i get up to and i dunno. after we hung out at the cadillac when i was in a sad state, i started giving him attention. pestering him. it worked.
or right now. i slummed it in hamilton. sorry but i did. what i did there is irrelevant. what’s worse is i told the guy i am not going to lead you on kay but he is still trying. the one time i’m blunt about it and they won’t accept it. he also said i might be taking up real estate in his head. WRONG THING TO SAY.
MARCH 4 – see you next FRIDAY, Comrades. Parkdale Boys Club (PBC) c/o ADVENTUREHOUSE On The Road will be in session. Try outs beginning at 9PM. Limber up, sweethearts. -RLW, President of The PBC, founding father and member. SALVADOR DARLING 1237 Queen St W. next friday. no not this one, the next one. jesus.
