HELLo there! How the bleedin’ are you? Welcome to last Thursday, chappies.
Ahem.
Time to get our roots done. I am psycho about it and late but needed a fresh outfit photo before it got slothenly from sitting in the chair for hours.
Those tights are amazing and we found my flower shorts, yay!
I am wearing a black silk tank and a black scarf, hard to determine here. Fab IRL.
Almost bought a new winter coat yesterday but felt we spent too much so it can wait.
Someone bought themselves these. How vulgar. Haha I am a prude sometimes.
Coffee with a straw to keep them teeths pearly.
Gave these earrings one. last. chance. Bah. I knew all the chicks would be dressed like flapper clowns and didn’t want to play along. This store better take these back. Its been awhile.
But they are so amazing. I am torn. Well I already know I haven’t worn them so I guess I’m not. I’m a fan of the now not of the saving.
More comfortable goin’ as a Puff Daddy Hamptons music video instead.
Best outfit, rolled up too late to collect prize.
Fuckin’ right son, to supper! Some Walter Kronkite dapper wine snob guy looked at me with respect based on this get-up ahhaa.
Water?
Avoid carbs at all costs.
I am bursting out of that shirt.
Car for a game of Dice in a back alley? Great odds for ya mister.
Conquered it immediately afterward, along with 4 coffee creams and then chicken wings and rum/rye cokes (blech!) holy crap did we ever binge eat this weekend. Went to my dad’s to “be good” and get rest but the consequence of that is 5 bags of chips and brunch twice (bull british grease), Agabi… so whatever. Going through my shots now then I have to wash my salon hair because it is a statue of the 80’s right now, and very dirty. Then a Doc appointment and then I meet up with Rob Spence! Cos he is filming me and my sexy wisdoms for a client. I stayed at my dad’s so I wouldn’t look like a party face hag on camera. Smart professional girl, the ball has dropped. Ps. that peanutbutter cup is dark chocolate. Delicious but I barely recollect as it was chasing some coffee chocolate. Pig.
These herringbone suspenders match a hat I have and a shirt teacher has, to a tee. The shirt I wore was a vintage teeny pink polo and lots of richie kid types kept barking in my face that Polo didn’t exist in the twenties, yeah, and did your shoes or cell phone? Hilar. Mostly they were recognizing me as special from my posh label-donning, gross right. I said this came out of a gf of mine’s donation garbage bag.
We’ve got better shots on the computer but I am a lazy arse you will see them later with the rest of my Mildred’s ha I say this like it is important.
What the hell would we talk about though?
I bought the fancy water, such a ruse right? It’s better for the environment supposedly. The bill was already going to be obnoxiously high anyway so what is another 3 dollars thrown on to the pile?
My dad enjoying Jazmin’s solo. lol.
Ah gad.
Teacher said he put on five pounds this weekend easily, I am just glad my dad’s scale is a skinny scale and reason why I was a blob when I was single cos I spent so much time there deluding myself.
Cheers!
Thanks for having us dad! Happy Monday all! MughNDAY.
What’s up girl! Sometimes we manage to always be matching, intuitive, freaky, classy, good ladylike style right?
Yo meet my moms! She crazy and fearless as shit!
She’s also a spectacular nurturing Nana, so young too. The Cruel to be kind peanut gallery can say what they like but you can’t argue facts, when it is known that my mom has been there for every single person in my family in a major way at certain points of various crises in their lives, like a martyr, she’s our Mother Theresa and the one you call when shit goes down. She is a professional basket case dealer and thriver? She has earned her party lifestyle as far as I am concerned and I love seeing her live and love her life and I am uber proud of her in many ways.
We fight like mental but we know when to give it a rest. You don’t fight in Paradise. I only gave her neck a squeeze once we got to the airport and Lois just looked away, after 9 days in Miami/Ft. Lauderdale we had each other on perma-desensitized. How I wish I could tell you the juicy reason why I semi-strangled her, haha one day maybe.
Mom I was going to get you one of these yesterday then remembered you had one from this ridiculous photo-set you blogged years ago (I know lol I can’t beat her may as well join her) so I got you leopard print instead.
Was this the day I snapped at the alpha Bay street bulldog woman at Jack Astors? She deserved it. Mom gets trashed on unnecessarily by people in her scene, and crew out of jealousy and this mistreatment makes me want to punch their lights out (and it will happen one day don’t worry) so she encouraged my take down of this annoying bossy woman who felt threatened upon our bar arrival (one last drink and my mom was going home holy christ leave us alone!) and so I let her have it.
Though, my mom is kind of masterful at the passive aggressive pot stirring, winding you up innocently I think this is why we are an entertaining force on the internet cos I am mentally challenged defensive and naive and she needs a lot of attention and will incessantly bother me all day long.
Haha this “tribute” is turning in to a slaying and getting me totally irritated. Ok back to pleasantries and accolades.
Even animals love my mom and she takes photos obsessively, I paved the way for that but she is really incredible at it. I invite her to events cos I know she will do all the work for me plus old men will flirt with her and she will entertain me all night long and with Lois we are unstoppable. It’s her birthday too this week! We are partying this week. Pray for Raymeh.
Young dudes love my mom too.
She goes on nature walks like Rainman and is adventurous, creative, healthy, very healthy.
Awww. She is Kelly Preston hot.
She is an engager and social butterfly and brings a smile to people’s faces, captures moments, gives (unsolicited) advice blabbity blah that cardigan Hailey is wearing was mine.
Her gifts are always thoughtful and unique, stylish, classic and come with a story or explanation ahhaa.
She almost got a photo of Dennis Rodman this night we went out to Blue Martini in Ft. Lauderdale but I stopped her and she should have just done it but maybe her camera is why he bounced, plus the band announced him but we were dancing with him for a bit first.
We had a blast this night, great partier in crime my mom is.
Ew I am fat here.
Even Dan Aykroyd was smitten. Go Tracey!
Her granddaughter is her muse. Their bond is so touching to have witnessed over the years, Hailey tells my mom the most private and “real” things and adores my mom and mom is toughening her up. GAY!
I love that every annoying thing she does to me in life she gets back at her in form of her mom, Eileen.
The way my mom and Sylvia became friends is true to Tracey form too. Syl was one of the bird’s of a dude in the crew which inevitably ended but mom loved her so much said, be OUR friend girl stick around and now Sylvia is in the crew.
I steered them here last Thursday in lieu of the Keg and I think everyone enjoyed that hahaha.
My mom said that gizzard was pinching her. Exact words AHhaahahahhaahahaha! ROFL.
EVERY TIME I show up to meet the girls at the Keg my mom is holding court with at least 5 white collar dudes wrapped around her finger, drunk and photographing her.
Yup.
Even Larry King. Tracey vs. the World in High Def, Tivo it!
I said mom, these are the famous people in attendance at this gala I have the exclusive on tonight, do your thing, and that, she did.
I don’t even know what this is from but I am sure it was a nice time.
Happy Birthday to Lois too! You are the point to our babe-triad. Lets make up a secret handshake to perform when we cheers. Hhahaha. I’m drinking mimosas at my dad’s house right now. Oooh Brutiful!
Thanks to this woman, if I play my cards right, I will be hot until I am fifty. P-E-D-I-G-R-E-E. My friend Rob told me if I was a horse, he’d buy me, when he found out I was a Kerouac. Merci maman je t’aime. Oh my god Speakng of francophone, when Justin Trudeau said I love you papa (je t’aime papa) en francaise at the service for Pierre, I died. So did my mom. We are sensitive nerds.
MILF.
You have competition though. How did I miss this picture. Cool right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE OUT LIKE A GAY SUNSET! xoxox
Why didn’t they have cutely-sized sweats when we were all young? Not fair. Crafting my slutty outfits back then was a lot harder, girls today should be grateful.
Welcome to Mall Rats. Got checked out tons today, Teacher enjoyed that. Not. Man, dudes are so blatant sometimes. EGO BOOST AND AWAY.
We had a bag of popcorn in the back seat with us all afternoon to combat crabby. There were certain missions and errands to accomplish and I felt largely that a bag of butter salted kernels would do the trick just fine and an appropriate amount of shotgun thiefing to pepper the day with a colourful sense of cunning pride and stealth to top it off. We just finished playing (abandoning) Balderdash so my vocabulary is inflated to all fuck, you can imagine. Or just bask in, suit yourself.
I’m high on 9 pairs of fresh underwear too, apologies for blogging under the influence. I am out of clean everything. My dad lives near a mall and so, my high-tech fashions reflect that which I cull from mainstream shitty mass-produce merchants because it’s the only time I make for shopping and it doesn’t matter anyway, I am not a label whore. As long as it does the trick and compliments my physique I am fine.
I predict getting lots of mileage out of the Santa shirt and once xmas is over it orbits into irony territory and then it’s christmas again or fallen apart, given to Hailey and then it’s her problem. Much love Aunti Raymi.
I like my new ballet pink sweater. The retail chick was very nice to me, actually, all retail chicks are nice to me in Burlington I wonder why that is, must not get chatty eccentric clowns like me much. The underwear chick at La Senza oversold the hell out of me. Good for her.
I’m bloated. Time for sit-ups. This is an XS shirt and the pants are small. I think the brand itself is meant for tweeny little petite college chicks but then doesn’t everyone gain the freshmen 20? I like to regress plus I never went to College. Augusten Burroughs (one of my fav novelists) wrote that he buys a University T-shirt from every school he talks at or goes to the town of, because he’s a self-made type of success guy. In short, no I will not buy Harvard Sweatshirts, not unless it was for a Playboy shoot ahahhaa.
More scrabble today.
When I get my hair done I get to not bathe and be a dirtbag princess plus I found this dry shampoo spray in a swag bag and finally tried it, magical chemicals what an invention!
Beer store stop in Oakvegas, went ’round the back like my grandfather used to slip in behind the wheel of one of his Caddy’s. Here I am uberly casually enjoying my popcorn. Teacher likes our suburban jaunts cos I ignore his smoking.
Shittiest laid tiles ever. Once I finish this genius post we’re going to watch Bad Teacher. There’s a few scenes from the previews I noticed where Cameron Diaz’s degenerate character looks scarily similar to your hero. Pumped.
Very enjoyable brunch. Good idea us!
Got us Agabi, my fav shawarma ever. EVER. I’ve been a custy for years.
With extra garlic and hot sauce to go.
I was talked out of this other bubblegum pink hoodie that was very Holly Madison but too much so with my hair, in a year or two I’ll go more Playboy brat I think. We’ll see. Who knows who I’ll be in two year’s time.
Family heirloom dictionaries. I come from a wordy people.
Librarian p0rn.
Aristocratical.
Lost my poppy :(.
I like the changeroom props. Is it supposed to stress out the stressed out students more so or psyche them up? I was confused when I first opened up the changeroom, uh, is this a utility closet? Oh right it’s fun! OK movie time bye friends!
Please put your chair in an upright position as we clear for take-off.
Ok I’ll head to the cabin and tell the Harth boys then.
This post is going to be a little of ridiculous, it’s many days since the event so lets see how good my memory isn’t “oh this is me talking to some guy about some-thing” times 300 pictures.
Like, who is this guy and why am I holding on to him? Ok I am going to start making shit up now.
Talkin’ strategy. Ok you walk around in a circle for a little bit and flirt with some nerds and then I will follow suit.
Clem always comes to my events, appears, then Houdinis, it’s funny.
I need a pasty sponsorship.
What’s up Curtis Santiago. We go way back. I’ll unearth a picture to illustrate.
I have always been cool, have you?
There’s another goodie ok as we were.
First glimpse of Andy and I lost my fucking mind. #rules.
Are you guys looking at klout scores? Oh right, they all dropped this night too which was icing on the cake for my personal enjoyment. Ahh “relevancy” and influence, you can’t measure that shit, get it yet? Told you all along it was bullshit.
Asking if I should switch my tights like one snag away from destruction.
This is the part where I brag about my teeth. My grandmother always mentioned my teeth which I never showed because I was embarrassed of my gap, which closed as I got older like my mom’s and thanks to never teeth smiling, I got no laugh lines or as many wrinkles as phoney whole life smilers. BURN!
Trolls always try to bring me down by saying I look haggard to take my powers away, ok well, lets see what your disgusting obscure faces look like then.
I have an oily T-zone like my mom, one vital reason why I am going to have nice skin forever because the grease lubes my face so like, I don’t plan to stop blogging any time soon which means more photos of myself as I age, I am just exhausted in advance by all the negative things that haven’t even been said yet because people get desperate in these times and attack a woman’s age when she is doing well, to take the specialness out of whatever achievements she has and it is pure bullshit cos I may have tired eyes sometimes but I am a lot prettier than some younger than me, doing nothing, for years. Nahmean? This is totally high school forever. Also, if I were a man, what I look like would be irrelevant, hey look at him putting that party on, way to go. But would you look at his crow’s feet OMFG! right?
That’s a good eyebrow arch.
Here we go.
False alarm.
The roller babes had a blast, I love that they came and I am a genius again and again for scheming this one.
She wanted to lift me, I envisioned a mighty cast on my leg for months, no thanks. I would like to learn how to rollerskate though, I can blade, but skates are scarier cos each foot is a car.
Name that girl, Bunny or Jas? No idea.
There was art too.
Me rollerskating with these chicks would make for a good video right?
I lost track of my airline manual so we didn’t get to pantomime with it, it is impossible to see out in to the audience with the spotlight in your face and all eyes on you and act like you’re not frantically searching the crowd for your idiot friend you passed it off to.
It was packed. The haters are trashing on this jam and FUCK THEM because it’s caught the attention of some very “street” people and this is how you party, real people party and everyone was on drugs, it was lovely and quite the varietal cocktail of them too the only thing that annoys me is I wasn’t invited in on that. This is so taboo Raymi oh whatever. I couldn’t even last to the after party at the Drake which I am bummed about but I had something major to do every day last week.
Family portrait!
Misfits. Speaking of which can’t wait to choreograph a dance to this song for christmas burlesque, 48 seconds in. Someone needs to make me a toy chest.
SO CUTE!
This is the best Sears portrait ever.
Our can-can made the music skip, we kept going.
Bunny makes the cutest show faces, when we lift her she looks like a little Punky Brewster I love it.
Happy we’ll beeeeee beyond the seeeeeeeeeea! Holy crapola look at my pipes.
Pointing is so hot right now.
I think Bunny wins for best freestyle solo, what’cha think?
Teacher was like WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUITCASE!? It won’t retract. Wasn’t me!
GLAM! Them’s ma girls so proud!
I have to tape my dress to my body cos I can’t feel through the gloves and at the Bovine my dress rode up because I am an idiot and shit always only ever happens to me! Watch Pure luck with Danny Glover and Martin Short and you will see what it is like. Though Teacher slipped on a banana peel the other day at school and was like really? Hahahahaha.
Bum bum bum. Bum bum Lauren is one of my family nicknames. Yeah thanks.
Andy Milonakis camp were like, when Andy told us there would be a wrestling ring, roller girls and stripping flight attendant chicks we didn’t believe him and their eyes were like this O_O while talking about it to us and I think Jasmine won for getting the biggest horny mob fan club for the night.
Ha ha that skinny thing is my foot/leg.
Oooh cool projection screens everywhere and our airplane! High tech. next time, smoke machine.
Yah party time excellent. I love how profane he was, perfect. Makes my blog look like Mickey Mouse.
My dad did research on Andy Milonakis from the almighty google and says, you know Lauren, he is REALLY famous. Yeah I know dad! Hi DUNCAN!
So we were the first to stay on stage, it was the best when the roller girls climbed in the ring I was really nervous for them but the grip of the ring material made them not slip or bust ankles. Everyone was waiting and hoping the stage would collapse I later learned holy sinister! It is a real wrestling ring whatever that means, the springs must be insano-good-quality. Can you imagine if it collapsed we’d be one of those famous wedding nightmare news stories that eventually get recycled on TOTALLY REAL shock jock tv shows, provided nobody died it would be HUGE for us.
I really wish I wasn’t standing like that.
I’m dancing like your aunt Myrtle in the Hamptons. Too much Sangria! LOL.
The juxtaposition of freestyle hip hop over beats and my slutty outfit when I am a tom girl wigger at heart, the irony wasn’t lost but I didn’t give a fuhk.
Can we get Kiefer Sutherland as our next party celebrity?
And then the shit show begins. I take that guy’s glasses and put them on and he dances with me. I was also pretty nervous, lots of eyes on you, judging and vibing out, jealous? Feigning boredom. Oh please.
Now that I am used to being more naked publicly I think Ill be goin’ places. Naked is armour, ultimate balls. Talk a good game all you want but if you can’t take it off, homey, move out the way. All anti-feminist remarks disallowed.
Nice shoes Sean.
PACKED.
I planted myself near Andy to get as many photos with him as possible.
Celina and I are ex old roommates, the original Adventurehouse with Lucas. Oh man, the stories and parties. Bahahhaa. We have the same sense of humour so dancing with her to Andy Milonakis was surreal and hilarious what a trip. All the gals had a blast.
What? I’m busy.
Wowch.
This little chicklette is the one who ripped my other thigh highs.
She is lucky I threw an extra pair in my carry-on.
Joey!
All the circus freaks came out of the woodwork.
I helped my roller girl friend here mooch a drink off Colleague. Heheh.
People complaining about no free drinks here have been spoiled rotten by the scene, do yourselves a favour and BUY yourself a highball of reality, not everything in life is VIP. Nor are you.
We were all born equal, you want a free drink? You fucking earn it.
