it’s been raining in toronto for weeks

and this is how we dealt.

in my raymi speak i was all, baby do the thing (connect photobooth to the tv) with the stuff (mirror image that shit webcam time) and show the lisas what fun is like.

at first a bit hesitant as well as collective hangover brain damage but once it was set up they “got” “it” pretty quick.

hahah yeah.

my big head is on lisa’s body.

lol you can’t find me.

where’d that arm come from??

no need to show off, keep it understated.

floating hipster things!

awwwwwwww! floaty cat.

she was quickly not into this. cameo over.

agh i’m hallucinating the cheshire cat as a brainiac.


hey look we found a missing baldwin.

coffee tawlk time. ack! (cathy comic) we ack a lot now. it’s a new thing we do. you wouldn’t understand. also this blog is so turning into a friends spin-off lol.

that lisa (lisa’s bf james) is to lisa what i am to teacher. we’re the ernies. blaha.

speaking of that shirt is quite bert. so bert.


i’ve been putting teacher through the lauren white celebrity diet of lovesickness and abuse and it’s working for him. he’s all model-y now. you’re welcome. invoice is in the mail.

these are all in order so you can see concepts develop and ideas take form and the progression of intelligence and degeneration, respectively.

why thanks i’d LOVE some!

it’s so beauty and the beast to me, inanimate objects come to life. that’s why i like it so much. for now.

alright it’s monster time.

ok i’m getting stir crazy gonna breeze through these make up your own captions.

honey my back hurts.

they wouldn’t shut up about how ugly i am in this beetlejuice shrunken head picture. when they see the swan go ug duckling they make sure to point it out. assholes.

i was trying to be as unsexy as possible in general to ward off room boners kay? kayballs? duhhballs! DUH! fucking duH!

mission accomplished. teeth are still awesome.

shitty rollercoaster rules!


givin’er at yellowstoner no bigz-a-lot. pourin’ out some waterfall there son.

AHHHH! it’s a mummy ghost albino thing from the forest.

help i fell down the waterfall. wheeee splash! so real!

blaahah shitty idea. BEST IDEA. stupidea i come from the land of.

be wary of those minxes. modern day medusas.

this was tricky to balance.

holding it for three seconds.

gettin bored now what more booze run. friggin rain ya frigger!

the heat is in the kitchen.


shitty effect.

i support thee. i back you.

hair band. rain hair day.

candle took forevererererereer.

ok doggy time.

there’s nothing worse in this world than getting payback from a jealous girl. the laws of man they don’t apply when blood gets in a woman’s eye.

these are from the weekend, liz went back to that saucy little post to perv out and give kudos again. she and i have been living bizarro-mirror-like lives for many years and we’ve never met. well hers is filled with more glitter and a husband but, well, nevermind. speaking of saucy little posts, i have actively begun harassing playboy, prior to this post i sent a letter to the editor. maybe i will email tony pierce that old slut.

i was cast a character role in an indie feature film, shooting two days before i fly to south beach. my scene is in a hotel and “the audience is hearing faint sounds of ecstasy” it’s a doing it scene. tasteful nude obviously but woah time to get my game face on. i just looked at the script, ok looks like i will be cleansing again for the month, psycho diet! i gotta walk around in le buff. it’s a good script too i am pumped.


i guess this means my tattoos will get on to film too or will they try and hide them? i’ll lay off getting minx written on me OR raymitheminx. guh can’t decide. maybe neither (mom shhhhhish).

doods i have abs now. for real ones. there’s still inches to pinch but yeah guy if i dehydrate myself good and plenty (wine bender haha) then you can see the definition.

watched i love you phillip morris last night. I LOVED IT! look no cellulite. i got girlfriends skinnier than me or know chicks whatever but then we go swimming and they’re like look at my legs all cottage cheesy and lumpy and then i stop giving an eff about my beach ball beer gut. win. thanks mom for the gams.

two of me could not exist. i would be psychotically jealous of the other one constantly comparing myself to her. teacher goes is it wrong to have a favourite? of these two? no i don’t think so. but if you wanna go cuckoo meta about it see how there’s puma written on my shirt, then it’s backwards, and i’m reversed so then the word is written unbackward, which would mean that it’s reversed-reveresed? then, where am i? there is no real me?

yeah we’re moving away from that.

this is the face you get when you say i did something wrong or i pulled the wool over your dumb bitch eyes.

album art.

shoulda seen the video of me sitting on the couch, so many naked legs, like a flesh black widow, flesh widow spider.

teacher was feeling lifty-shirty. men are pigs and so easy ahahhaa.

it was very hard to kiss myself too. sorry guys.

street boners had a thread yesterday of girls in cute underwear essentially, butt pics like this but it was a no white girls allowed edition. dudes i got a rump. i like when i post badonk pics and then some troll will go, you have no ass when clearly it’s a capital D for DONK but enough about me (for three seconds).

css was amazing. i saw her years ago at lee’s i’ll scare up that post. brock got his up, he tweeted at me a few times over the night and i was so blasted i didn’t realize he was OUR brock so i’m all WHERE are you!?? idiot.

she dances all wild and insane. LIKE. in short shorts and docs.

i love back/side-stage. i don’t like touching people or being touched by the commoners. while other times i love it i go slam dance with them they get all mad then turn to see a platinum goony smile flufferbunneh clothes-lining people and they’re all rock&roll LIVES. aw i miss melodie WHERE ARE YOU.

BEFORE oops caps lock, she was a cute little bull fighter. fightress. kind of pirates of the caribbean in tuxedo pants and curly hair and must be 2 inches tall. love it.

with a girl playing every instrument save for one. making us wave and chant and break dance with her, such cute brazilian good time positivity. lisa was loving it.

look for cousin it with a number 8 that would be me. i am trying to pose/stand beside the booger look-a-like.

i look like a tiny little candle. my work out definition on my back is making me lumber around like a roid monkey. awesome.

for the encore we went back upstairs to get the led out and she put on a big crazy dress. makes sense. lisa said it went with the song. i couldn’t make out words by that point.

it’s a nice dress why only wear it once? lulz. she’s going all magnetic zeroes on us.

we did not like these chicks in our space up here but played nice until i told one to tell her friend that she was, and i quote, “a fucking bitch” because i ran after all of them with their jacket and the girl goes, oh, not ours, i go are you sure because you were the only people up there. they took from my good time to go chase after them then give me who the fuck are you-ness? nuh uh. TWO minutes later a girl comes back all frantic WHERE IS MY JACKET? i said it’s over there but make sure you tell your friend that she’s a fucking bitch ok? she’s like for real? i go yeah dude i ran down the stairs on your heels with this jacket and she wouldn’t even attempt to ask ANY of you if it belonged to you so go tell her for me that she’s a fucking bitch, thank you i mean it. they didn’t come back after that, well not the one who got my telegram anyway. teacher lisa and courtney saw it all go down, we were taking their spot as they were leaving vip so now it’s our territory but the rules state that if the prior guests leave anything behind you go do a solid and deliver it to them. which is what i did cos i’m a hawk-eye and saw a black coat rammed beneath a chair so i motion in retarded not even real words speak to courtney to go throw that jacket at the girls down the stairs which courtney has no idea what i am even saying so i go UGH and do it myself and then that happens and then the other thing happens.

this is so carrie. creepy. but anyway, one of my psychotic scary raymisms is DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU TWICE or DON’T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF because i am ALWAYS right, the first time around, and it comes out nice and sweetly but if you question my knowledge and instinct you will regret it. that’s all. i go sopranos like that. which apparently was a very popular show right, i never watched an episode. lulz.

i would so wear that outfit.

it was hard to get pictures she moved around a lot.

in between acts dudes and girls were drunk dancing to robyn it was so fun. and funny. this is my favourite part when the lights come on and i can stare at people like zombies in dawn of the dead, getting drunker and drunker. so good. you can see a vibe overtake the crowd like a ripple ocean wave. cosmic hippie is talking. shh.

hot hoodratty. love her.

we felt that css should have gone on first but sleigh bells are newbs and it would be an ego-clash to put them on as head liners.

the smoke fog and lights suited them perfectly. what a show.

when all else fails, start a band.

it was so loud. we didn’t have earplugs. by the point it became unbearable it was too late anyway. i like silences anyway so it doesn’t matter if i go deaf.

both band’s front women did lots of crowd surfing. it’s kind of expected these days right? i need a good crowd surfing photo. it’ll happen and be epic. prob this summer at nxne. dare me to?

we will not be eating at harlem underground again.

this drink though i’ll go back for. it got me good and drunk (on an empty stomach no doubt) and then we went to missbehav’n.

before that to the eye doctor so teacher could get his eyes tested for contact lenses so i can finally find out what he looks like.

i fell in love with many pairs of sunglasses.


this hangover work out is dedicated to sleigh bells. i keeps it punk rock. i rubbed my elbows off and they are so sore still.

stay tuuuuuned….


i don’t normally shock jock blog well i used to but, man, wow. nothing has made me stop and stare like this in a loooong time. thanks sender-inner.

from the new york post: bride suicide attempt intercepted. jesus. terrible and jarring. chinabride suicide denied.

then they try to push her up ack i have goosebumps.

ok i’m going to finish reading it now. SO not watching the clip. some moron in the comments is all those shoes so do not go with that dress. idiot. they so do.

the world can wait

ever notice how crazy bitches love they baths?

it expunges you of your cuckoo. a nice soak. calming, meditative. i can pass out in a bath easy, so have too. don’t worry i won’t drown i lie on my back with my arms up in the air like i’m going down a waterslide, looks totally stupid but for some reason i feel comfortable this way.

i think depression and baths have a link definitely. depressed people generally lead isolated lives (if they’re lucky ahhaa) and you have this expanse of time all around you like a desert and a bath is a nice way to kill time, it’s luxurious, pharaoh’s broads are all about it all drippin’ in gold and rubies, wet and sexy, sign me up.

i do my best thinking in the bath, half the ideas of which swirl down the drain when the plug is pulled, if it was so great i’d go write it down right. if it’s so important then i’ll get up and out to it otherwise the world can wait. one of my favourite raymisms.

i do my nails in the tub then i read, if i have time. this is why it takes me a long time to finish books lately. i don’t make time for them other than in the bath. all my other reading happens on computers.

teacher bought this when i first made mention of bathing and how important it is to me, i’d have to leave to go to adventurehouse to shower cos the hot water here only lasted 2 minutes. teacher got on that shit and made a call, the water people never had to come cos now it’s scalding hot for as long as you want i think they just flipped a switch or something. when the teacher drew my first bath it was kill a baby hot. which i told him. guys don’t know anything about baths cos they not crazy bitches, seen?

speaking of, my hair was good and crazzy. we were discussing the night’s schedule (pizza, wine, lisa, wine, sound academy) and he’s like your hair looks awesome. um i think you are drunk on love right meow cos i look like a skid row scarecrow.

david bowie. straight back. no hunches.

is that, a six pack i spy there?

hunching to be modest.

total garbage face but check my bubblebath, smells like grape juice, so real. what are your favourite suds?


oh here’s a poll from the past with results and you can see where we stand on this query to date.

are you being gay when you play with your own dick?
Free polls from

great times last night.

the lighting was great on stage, not so great on me. i will bring my own lights next time, personal pyrotechnics.

then i was recognized at the chinese restaurant afterward. um we kind of got in a cab car accident too i just remembered but everyone told me i was drunk and it didn’t happen. um i was in the back by the door i felt the nudge heard the scrape and we WERE drag racing that cab (stupidly)(and i smelled burnt rubber!) our driver passes a guy and we kept wavering closer so fucking close it was terrifying i was so pissed then he stops under the bridge they get out shake hands decide to cover their asses that nothing happened and our driver comes back and i am fuming. but teacher and lisa are good about it. maybe if they were sitting where i was sitting they’d change their tunes. anyway, and THEN we all start fighting about where in chinatown we’re going, um i don’t even call it chinatown drunk me was thinking i call it simply just “on spadina” when i am refering to eating chinese food. maybe we should call it spa-china? omg that is so good. i’ll get all lit up again if i type about our squabbling so i’ll end it there. my fortune said i am charming and i made a table of fans beside us. the teacher and i got in a very annoying argument in the cab if i was that driver i’d have shot myself it was so stupid. long story short, i am right. always. haha. ok fine we were both wrong. except one was more wrong than the other and it wasn’t me.

don’t get mad at me get mad at bipolar. if it rhymes it reads. one time at midtown (thanks to me) we were rhyming words to lucas’ name (who wasn’t present but all our scumbag friends were, well maybe he was, were you?) like lucas! pucas! mucus! and then cheryl comes up and goes LUPUS (by mistake) which was downright phenomenal (freudian) because my ex (dirtbag) bf was there who’s beloved sister died of lupus. yeah, sad. good one cheryl i’d say of all the moments you would like to hang yourself for that one would be right up there. i just tore out my favoured longest fingernail this made me so uncomfortable to recount haha. we all turned into statues and then my ex goes it’s fine, what? nothing. like purely normal, so normal, major total good act there, then immediately splits down the stairs and our eyes get HUMONGOUS and cheryl was speechless. tim was just a-gog and put both hands on his head, OH MY GAWD he shuddered laughing and me of course i was in pieces, laughing and cowering, fearing the ensuing explosion at some point down the road.

if i wasn’t bipolar i’d be a horribly boring writer i think.

as uje, it’s always better in VIP.

yes, i am an angel. an arc angel. i’ll have to wikipedia that. wikipedia is the only way i learn things now or twitter. or teacher. he plays tunes for his kids or they talk about dumb shit and i’m like, HOW is THAT learning? man i shoulda been a teacher.

lisa and i sexy dance to sleigh bells together when we’re givin’er so on the weekend when we were shit showing to crown on the ground i’m all do you want to go to this? um hell yeah is the correct answer.

i don’t think i got any pics of courtney and her brother brock. can’t wait to see his pics.

i worked out with tyler today well he had more of his assessing (which is in all actuality a big work out, grueling, you’re being tested for all of your aerobic abilities, to the limit) while i had my workout. he said he wished he started back when i started at the motion room cos we’d be on the same program by now but never too late right. i told him he’s going to become addicted to it soon. james said he did really well on the bike thing. i worked out so hard today i scraped skin off my elbows haha, from the plank on my towel and the bosu thing. pics of all that soon. i said can you imagine if you get all ripped and then the media will be all over you and he goes don’t say that that’s like saying the leafs will win the stanley cup, cart before the horse type deal. fine, i get ya tyler.

these were uploaded may 9. so every time you personal train that is considered one day closer to your goal, that day of work, the time that passes, considering you don’t eat like a pig or drink like belushi, it’s now the 18th so 9 days ago i am 9 days ago fatter in these pictures, this is how my special brain visualizes and breaks down the jargon (terminology) personal trainers deliver me 3 times weekly. i wish we took photos on the wednesday instead because i was uber-duber-lithe, albeit weak (ground zero menses day). i am bloated from being pre-menstrual in these photos. not too badly. ok with that out of the way lets look at me more but quickly though i want to walk stella the pizza crust i just fed her got her all jacked for a jog and now she won’t stop hovering me cos now she thinks my fingers are made of pizza crusts.

all last week and the one before i wore the most dirtbag of outfits. pretty much all the cute outfits you’d see me wearing in front of the fire or in a pub, picture them in exercise form. half my stuff is here and half there.

these pictures are helpful for me to remember moves in case i want to show my mom or do them if i happen to come upon a big exercise ball somewhere. i will run on the beach in south beach every day to ward of fat paranoia.

hair’s a bit brassy here, pretty good though i got my hair done on the friday, it was good and rootsy by then.

oh my god those socks. i look like a clown. i told tyler i was going to work out in rags on friday.

ew my hand looks gross and tiny. that’s your hand on a good day. lulz.

that dot on my leg is from something i picked at (mosquito bite) way to go me.

getting ready for that thing i was doing with the ball i dunno people haha.

think twice next time you hate on raymi. i could turn you into a pretzel.


i can do this with 20s as well. i could go pump iron on venice beach like a nutcase eh. that would be, fun? man i wish my other gym membership wasn’t expired just for one day i’d like to go back all ripped like this and do a bunch of bicep curls, tricep extensions, squats, all of it. i think time would stand still. totally. i could make that happen i know the guy who owns the tanning salon beside it.

i am too busy just to bike to my old gym purely out of spite haha actually no sounds like something i would specifically make time for. ooh yeah totally i hate one of the front desk chicks then of course the dude i picked up somehow even though i was a blob. this is a total jenny jones moment. see my thigh line defined all fine now? kash said ooh you have the line.

hahahaha. the one lone cat hair really sets it off.

south beach here i come baby. i can’t believe it. mostly because i STILL have yet to mail my passport application. that’s the first thing we are doing when teacher gets home. then the reward will be watching french kiss and french kissing. haha.

one of my family nicknames is BUM BUM LAUREN. there is a song and dance that goes along with it too. AHHAHAAHAh i wish i was lying but i’m not.

andrew has a wicked sleeve.

hi-ya! insert ninja sound effects.

blaha total stoner outfit HEY DUDES SURF’S UP!


hahahahaha. ugh. leg lifts? makes your innards all hot like you might crap yourself. that means it’s working. which is what i told tyler today, sometimes you feel like you are going to shit yourself. well, don’t. yeah, i try not to shit myself everyday. we are coming up with new motion room slogans. tyler is like me, non-stop jokery commentary. what a relief!

when your fat days are what your skinny days used to be, you know you’ve made progress. i can say it the other way around too (what people who think they’re smart like to call, vice versa) when my skinny day is a skinny day, uhh, whups, doesn’t work vice versa NOT SO SMART NOW!

this thing’s cool it’s kash’s. i’d take this to a park and everyone would gather around in seconds.

i want one. they’re about $150 i think? no idea what it’s called but you resist each other and i guess you extend and bend re-extend each arm like you would a bow and arrow while the other guy pulls, the more you lean the harder it is, there are so many ways to augment this tug of war.

made from truck belts, straps? way cool.

you really feel it too. the way it’s designed it’s like all these hooks and straps you feel like you’re about to go para-sailing or something.

ok that’s it i will leave you with one more ugly photo of me.

i got sleighed

suuuuuuch a good show. mommy’ll be right back.

work the room like a pageant

last night i went out as turbo lesbo. i was practising for tonight, which will be an epic shit show no doubt. we are going VVIP to the sound academy for CSS and sleighbells. i hope i don’t dance right over the balcony. why do i feel deaf already? toronto’s penny lane will have quite the interesting adventure post for you tomorrow. if only i had a crystal ball. taking teacher lisa courtney and her brother.

i think colleague is losing it lol.

i want cheese so much right now. teacher wouldn’t stop talking about cheese for the rest of the night. after our failure of a meal at harlem underground we left feeling a lot better about ourselves and life in general after all the cheese we had at the drake thanks to my foodie jump rope ties.

cheese off. cheese masters. afrim, cole, michael. afrim was knighted by france re: his cheesexpertise so i think he wins here, just in showing up. however, maybe cole wins because he said his wife knows everything about me, that my name is in their household daily. YOU WIN I DON’T CARE HOW WRONG YOU (if by chance) WERE. then again, michael could win cos he makes great grilled cheese sandwiches (mid-post) but afrim builds cheese adventurehouses, tough call.

he was able to do it based on melodie’s meticulous (incredibly detailed) floor plan of adventurehouse. he said he almost gave up 4 times, it drove him to madness. guy try LIVING in it LOL.

narnia’s got nothing on adventurehouse. ps. check it out you can see pics of mel’s paris trip on it. is she back yet?

the cheese battle plate. i can tell what some of those are just by my eyeballs. baby is learnding (purposeful typo, that’s how ralph says it).

teacher is staring at me like a lovesick puppy in many photos. he had a mysterious groupie somewhere in the room last night who we think we figured out and was kind of dismissive to me (WHAT F–ING ELSE IS NEW WORLD!)(mean girls who are mean because i look like a cupcake are predictably dour i’m sorry the teacher likes cupcakes!)(no i am not) but on twitter was fan-girling over him. SO bizarre. yet again will never link his twitter, been there, done that!

speaking of fan girling see mine here, but i am fan girling them (or just checking in saying hi whatever) but you see how mutual shyness ruins everything or we are all just spread out cuckoo equally? i know afrim is, that guy is awesome. i think i drank too much x-bold coffee (a pot!) today i can’t control what my fingers are typing anymore aggh.

look at us all manners and cordiality. professional class titans.

positive reinforcement like so, cole gets a thumbs up. you kids pay attention now.

what he didn’t know was that colleague had already thrown him under the bus when he mentioned raymi was coming. i think it’s fair though as i’m always at a disadvantage cos everyone knows me before i know them, or they hide that they know me then i go and talk to them like a regular person all insecure and shit.

today i am washing my hair for the first time since friday’s hair appointment. pretty good. pretty crimpy too. like this cabbage patch doll i used to have. did you know i was born the same year cabbage patch kids were invented? 1983. also same year as the chicken mcnugget. billie jean was the number one song. what am i a category in jeopardy? (yes).

i spy michelle.

this reminds me of the secret game we play blindfolded, then tell a deep dark (dirty) secret while everyone laughs at you at 4 in the morning ahahhaha.

what is this a john lennon press junket? awesome! high five, me!

that’s ivy knight hosting. she liked my outfit (dismissed me). i wore it specifically for her actually. truth. ahahaha. she is an old school foodist. respect.

then i met a big player, arlene stein (bows) and i think i just might have charmed her. we shall see. wink.

THIS IS WHAT WORKING LOOKS LIKE. it’s funny following foodies on twitter, shit about wine tastings at 1, luncheons at 3, go life. i knew the cheese was cow’s milk and therefore could use the bovine but first an elusive beautiful nod to our irish temper buddies, emerald will suffice. i call this pairing of jamesons and 3 year aged cheddar EMERALD BOVINE. delicious. i know hockey players for some reason are into jamesons and pickle juice, the only time of which i’ve tried it i was already gassed so i’m none too sure if it’s any good, is it?

i just realized that i am starving.

um that hat is super big for my head i am going to snap it smaller next time.



nice one. i was propositioned in this lounge last summer. had no idea until i blogged it. fool. i could have made some money hahahaha. lordy knows girl done give that shit away fo free howdy doo!

went down smoother like never before. wuh oh.

yo relax it’s just food.

you will not get my cheese.

good thing yesterday was work out day holy crap.

tyler got an introduction to my hell at The Motion Room and tomorrow we work out together. i get to exercise with a barenaked lady, i think that means i have arrived? nahh we friends, he lives in the naybe of TMR (the junction) all the cosmos have aligned everybody wins. happy times.

the assessment. see me in the corner over there?

i am a swedish ninja.

i know how hard this is (the worst ten minutes of your life, not as bad as inclined treadmill ugh) so i am very proud. guy is going to inspire so many. lives the good life like a king, i say you’re a celebrity you need a personal trainer so come get sculpted raymbo styles and he’s all, game on wayne (rayme).

i better watch myself tonight then, i remember what boozebag work outs are like, no fun.

ya let me see what you (though you probably have eyebrows unlike me now) look like after andrew is done with you. the uglier you come out of the trenches, the more alien-like sculpted your torso shall be.