i went to mail this on saturday and they’re like might be striking you need to go to the passport office. HOW SICK ARE YOU OF HEARING ABOUT MY PASSPORT PROBLEM it’s like i am a fucking idiot or something here (i am) honestly do you think charlie fuckin sheen fills out his own damn documents? no! exactly!
it was neat being waited on by the beauties, i shook my ass in his music video after all. you see the drake’s owner motion to me at the bar in it too. i have a meeting with them on wednesday best not forget. anyway ordered charcuterie, up there top right looks like sliced olives? nope. duck hearts. everything else is various sausages and i forget everything else. we’re on a french kiss cuisine vibe, which we haven’t watched yet. everyone suffers from my tunnel vision until it is quenched unfortunately. he went to the blockbuster on dupont and an old couple bought the last copy, i bet there are copies at indie stores around the city but like i have time to do that, it’s out of reproduction now too.
he’s like, the beastie boys rapped about this. sold. but turns out maybe it was eminem. i dunno. ok NOW i bathe then where should we go tonight, long weekend city dining is always MISS and i don’t want to be pissed off tonight. suggest please. is supermarket open today?
they are so versatile, have wheels on the back. i told linda (bro’s gf) that whatever “gift” you give us make sure it’s pretty cos i don’t want to be forced to look at some ugly patio junk, actually, in terms of personal household decor, all shitty gifts are allotted veto at any juncture in time, shit guy i live here you don’t, my taste is better so step off.
the sun was scorching but once it left we missed it. we did fireworks in the park. a nosy naybe came over to hassle us and teacher lipped her off and i’m all actually this is very safe it’s contained in one giant sand bucket come on lady and no we won’t light a house on fire we don’t want that either. then the po po came and i go ALL DONE! we had actually finished they come up and see how waspy we are and how cute i am and one says but we didn’t say anything yet. flirting! shawn and dad had roadies blaha. while that witch was griefing us my brother was setting up a magnificent rocket explosion that blasted off before she was even a school bus length’s away from it HAHAHA. it was the loudest boom too and we cackled hysterically. it’s public space that lady can get fucked.
inversely, no one is going to arrest a girl who exercises because athletes don’t break the law, they’re too busy drinking flax sprout smoothies and going to bed early. i plan on using the napoleon dynamite usa pants references more so in the future because i am turning into my uncle mike, gym ready, no gym required! splash pants work out attire ugly pointy nike shoes gold chains ahahahah.
here we are showing up to CB to collect my swanky pizza pies and a cake. my dad is like DO NOT GO OVERBOARD. i am turning into a psychopath hostess type a perfectionist it is holy and scary. teacher and i had to wrestle our planter pots apart in home depot and it was somewhat junglist animalistic, the scarier scene of which went down in a canadian tire aisle prior to this. baby gets what baby wants and baby finds what she wants and knows what she wants don’t question baby. it’s reality show time. actually there’s a home depot scene on jessica simpson and nick lachey’s reality show but she’s a lazy trollop sitting in wedges on a cart while he’s looking for nuts or bolts or whatever man she is just a useless fucking blob but anyway MY scene involves fear and accuracy, sprinting, efficiency, passive aggression and maybe some lying.
this chick comes right into my shot that colleague waits exclusively for. i know your bloody tricks WHERE ARE MY PIZZAS RAAAH! family was on the way, 30 minutes away, luckily they were late. we had 5 minutes to get everything in the fridge and sweep up and tidy before they came through the door. the barfing cat was on the fridge, jumps down, smashes a huge ash tray when i’m unloading the dishwasher and stocking the fridge. FUCK!
the best gourmet pizzas ever ever ever!!!!!! family won’t stop talking about them. it was my colleague’s idea that cunning tart. i was trying to plan our menu, what to serve and he suggests cb pizza. i didn’t have to make any decisions, just make one veg and one meat. the meat was the best but the veg was also delicious, kind of a ratatouille flavour. perfect cos alison makes ratatouille all the time and my bro and i love it. it’s the same ratatouille from the movie too, the recipe was in the paper. cuteness!
blahah look how cool i am playing it. DIVA. lynn didn’t know i was coming or that it was me standing around waiting for the ‘zas (i despise the ‘za term, just testing it out) hears “colleague’s name” and can you take my picture with the pizza!? (in major demanding tone of voice) she goes, raymi? AMBUSH! hi lora you were there too yes.
and cos we foodies like that, show me yours and i’ll show you mine. those people pay a LOT of moohla to dine at that table, i heard how much. people amaze me. it looked like a lot of fun gotta say though. people watching, watching what they buy over wine and a top chef serving you while you dine with a star chef, who thinks up this shit? retarded. retarded awesome. ps. does lynn have a palm tattoo? woah.
vintage charm bracelet from that store beside salvador darling. didn’t get to go overboard gift wise but, well, the patio and pizza i guess count and cake. i didn’t steal them right? right. the shells match her nautical jacket sleeve, she also lived on the sea for years on the east coast.
this is what i was wearing when the cops showed up to our pyro party. why do you want to arrest cirque du soleil? no don’t, you can’t. you mustn’t. i told the busy body, look, i’m not a firework expert or anything here but, i kind of am. meanwhile teacher is arguing the physics of it all being completely improbable. she gives up after saying she’s PISSED. yeah we care and then BOOMTASTIC shawn lights one up. after awhile it got crazy we were lighting them one after the other then running into a lit one, yeah, shit show. hilarious.
i told the cops we made some fans. we drew the neighbourhood in. they’re not doing fireworks this year down at ontario place why the fuck no i do not know. one day when i run for mayor i will look into it.
SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY lulz. SHAWN CAN’T BELIEVE THE NEWS TODAY! ahahaha. then the idiots had a nice long ass walk back. i took off with the dog at one point and was blogspotted by four fans (hi!) who also won a trip on my uncle’s boat so it was good to run into them especially right at the moment when i was bagging stella’s shit. STARS THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
i’m sorry we didn’t get to try alison’s idea of strawberries and ice cream with champagne poured on top, by that point i was mangled and couldn’t lead the parade any longer. i was britt at thanksgiving haha.
more are blooming on the other hibiscus. bought two bags of miracle grow soil to fill the planters. let teacher have that fun job while i angrily cleaned the kitchen. sobering up to do chores on a gorgeous sunny saturday is murder. we made fun of it. we were disasters by 1.30 though, off ONE beer. sun stroke on empty stomachs. smart. such a fun saturday though, the patio part.
someone spilled all over one lounge cushion, both sides. it was teacher. we are cushions obsessed. leslie is like now you know my pain. her sister spilled red wine all over her beautiful day bed couch thing and just flipped it over haahhaa. she is proud of the matching gayness decor and asked if i had show soaps yet. no not yet, show candles though!
i like that new wheat orange whatever the fuck beer, their logo is cuter than the other one that just left my mind. anyway i do not want to make a beer habit out of patio-ing. that shit sneaks up on you fast.
craig was there somehow deduced i was at the b head too, but on a different patio. there’s multiples. god i can’t stop blowing this place. teacher came back to the table like what the hell man i go to the bathroom and two seconds later someone’s up on my woman ha so i had to say that this guy is like my brother, pretty much. it’s never happened, it’s never going to happen, thuh end.
ugh don’t get me started. between angelina jolie’s horrendous british accent, johnny depp’s fat face and ill-lengthed (growing our for pirates no doubt) hair, harrison ford’s terrible character in morning glory, some surefire shit picks this round. andrew my trainer told me how the tourist ends though so now i want to finish it.
kind of fulfilling a weird crush i have on the neighbour dad in honey i shrunk the kids with that totally perfectly worn in hat vibe scruff plus we eat cheerios a lot now that we bought a box of the banana&nut flavour (SO GOOD) and there is a cheerios scene as well in that movie so the other morning, this morning i was like WOAH RELAX with the movie bonering me out now. damnit zalinski! ahahaha. it’s worth checking the google images of it, i know that movie inside and out we had it on vhs my bro and i used to watch the shit out of it. anyway.
if you buy me nice wine, the bottle may stick around in vase form. that is a present i shall allow. check the vintages be my guest. sucks that we just returned all our empties. THAT was fun. the parkdale beer store and all the crazy lushes and rummies and crazy.
trying to figure out the right outfit for the jewelery store. this is not it. i went out in these shorts and florida shirt with the dog for a spin while teacher tried to get the contact out of his eye (when the day turned into not fun for a little while) and i was like, are these too short or can i pull it off? i look like the slutty girlfriend to a sleazebag baseball player, from hickville new money turned city slickstress, from picton. gagah. i changed when i got back.
it didn’t sit right. at parties people would just come up to me and go, what’s that? oh uh i see. it’s nice and all but a full circle is more pleasing to the eye. a 20 year old could wear this. holy shit ever glad i bronzed my clavicle.
love this piece, comes in many other colours but pink is my favourite, the hue is too similar to intestine purple murky pinkish but it still is quite darling and fetching, the elvin rope chain link is half the look too. if it was purchased for me i would wear it lets just say that.
we celebrated at stampede where my insta-fan-friend asks immediately what kind of nails do i have today? i went in there once when i had gator minx nails so i gave him my card. when i was posing with our burgers he goes A BURGER FIT FOR A MINX. ahahaha.
i said actually the real transformation began 3 months ago when James told me to watch what i eat, i wasn’t, well i was but there’d be a lot of bender puncturing involved, i’d get down to a skinny raymi then drink and eat my face off for a week, get my period, get skinny, go on another bender and so on. i stopped doing that. nutrition and fitness go hand in hand, working out will only take you so far and after that, it’s salad time fatty.
so lets sprint. dude can run. i was not expecting that. not that tyler can run but, i blew my load three times giving it my all to keep speed with him and i did but woah, tyler were you secretly dying too?
i love running. i go running with stella. i only run if there are people present to see it happen though haha. one day soon i will go out specifically to run, not to walk the dog a bit then run jog then walk then jog, you know how it is oh it’s the drake better start running by there’s people on the patio ahaha sometimes i do bike jumps exclusively when i hit beaconsfield, if there was more of a curb or construction asphalt bump in the road i could jump it easier but yeah, now you know to look for me.
that’s cutie kash. she is hardcore. tried to make me do burpees once cos i was late which i immediately blew up on cos IT WAS COLLEAGUE’S FAULT that day. i find it humorous that one (i) should see burpees as any form of punishment as for the next hour i’ll be punished by other tortuous physical means, it’s oranges and oranges here people.
in-between exercising during your one-on-one session there is more exercising (lazy ass) we are here for an hour and we are going to squeeze everything out of those 60 minutes so this is me jumping on the bosu and i always try to dismount like a figure skater.
i suck at lunges because i hate them. on normal ground they are annoying enough, but on the bosu they are way more difficult and luckily i am addicted to challenges so i will still do them. i like perfecting things.
i’ve never done push ups like these. i super sucked when i first joined TMR and now i can do them, i am stronger and that is awesome. i’m training to be a cage fighter. haha no, just to look good naked. simple as that but if i have to defend you in a knife fight, well la-dee-da, i can.
it’s nice when you join you get to show off how much you suck or rule at certain movements, exercises. you want to impress the trainer so there’s that motivating you but you also want to impress yourself and go ok self, how sloppy are we here? people delude themselves like crazy, we think we’re skinnier than we are or look good in that certain thing to hide the fact that we’re NOT thin blah blah etc basically, super cool style will not help your squatting ability.
it seems retarded to squat again and again and again but it’s not. when done right and with a trainer correcting your position you feel all the right parts of your body react to the squat and then you like it, and do it again as i near the end of my reps i fire my core and breathe heavier like a dog and really give’r.
crunches on a bosu are super effective. picture your spine like a potato bug curling un-curling now picture your (MY!) rippling torso and abdominals being agreeable to each crunch, your spine leaving the bosu and lifting up following your hands up toward the ceiling.
another cool thing you learn about working with a personal trainer is, there’s lots of talking (if you want it) in there as you learn each other and they see how far they can push you. if you get an idea while doing your leg lifts or tricep extensions, speak up and have a chat, ask that thing about what to eat in the morning.
i need more aerobics wear. my roots shirt is becoming frayed. i wore it out to home depot yesterday (when we almost murdered each other deciding on roof plants don’t ask)(married people life is depressing and suffocating and shit like domestic chores and errands can like, end a relationship) because i am too lazy to figure out real outfits anymore. it’s so much work this fashion bullshit, this is why i am sculpting myself into a torpedo so i can wear booty shorts with sports bras and pretend i just came from the gym always, constantly. people in normal people clothes look at me and 1. feel dumpy 2. get out of my way because i seem more in control, which i am, because i am wearing ninjathletica and i can run with a tropical flower tree in a pot and you can’t.
ugh the thing on my shoulder. i had 5 (not covered) treatments and all they did was make it worse and bigger. my dad says i have to get plastic surgery to remove it. arg. so like if i’m going to go to the trouble of doing that i may as well get a nose job.
see how a bit of my bangs are slightly tinted, that’s from makeup then sweating. how you can get around not sweating, wearing makeup and working out while being photographed, lemme know. maybe if i wore a bunny mask.
yeah pretty much right. both my frigging elbows are still bloody scabby from wednesday’s planking. tyler bring a towel for floor exercises if you want to feel more comfortable (be a hello kitty princess like me).
i hate these too. sometimes i don’t eat before working out (i am retarded what can i say) so i lose a bit of energy and the only energy i have left is what’s in my brain so i am quite literally giving it my all when i exercise.
when you squat down let the tail of your spine follow the ball and curve beneath, which is what aids you in squatting, putting your bum back. sometimes i press into that ball so hard i think i am going to pop the thing and it sort of feels like cheating to use it to climb your way back up to standing position again except it’s not cheating, it’s your core strength doing the majority and i have abs to prove it.
i’d like to say any nay-sayer do 36 of these, 20 pounds in each hand, yeah. by my last rep my left leg got all jazz jangly on me, sometimes your arms will also tremble like wild, that means your exercise is working.
exercising gave me a confidence i didn’t have before, i mean, i had tons before but fitness confidence is a special kind. people take you a little more seriously in that they ask you about exercise and then you surprise yourself by knowing what the hell it is you’re talking about and then if you feel like going for a jog you’re like damn straight, i jog now. it might have taken me an entire summer to get the courage to go for a run, yes i am that afraid of things which is why i try not to think, i just act and then let the panic attack hit me while i’m out on the street instead.
because i am so cerebral, some of the ladder stuff is hard for my brain that early in the day, my equilibrium is “special” so doing side to side stuff makes the world get crooked and tipsy. is this early-stage dementia sign? meh. so i turn some of these into dance moves but keep them low and aerobics-y. if jazz and aerobics got in a fight who would win?
i played soccer on the beach in mexico with all these euro stud dudes from spain, italy, all over. i was topless in gino shorts and super tanned, diving in the sand, saves, steals whatever you call it, i was scraped and bloody sandy by game’s end (played daily) from all the shells and rocks, pretty burly, one soccerhead comes up to me and says you play like man. as in i am very good. i tell this story ALL the time it’s one of my top ten proudest moments ever.
this part is the best. people just give right in. for the rest of the day you feel amazing. with or without a stretch. work out days make me feel amazing afterward. tyler says he is already loving the change, this experience a lot. knew it. i told him he would become addicted very fast, like me, he has an unconventional routine/lifestyle, we just tumbleweeds blowing in the charmed good life breeze (yeah yeah his tumbleweed plays stadiums) so we love just a little bit of structure, need it, require it in order to continue the circus freak other shit we do, day in day out.
it helps you handle stress, become a more focused and patient person, feeling better, looking better, vitality, all good things. we’re not getting any younger and unhealthy living isn’t chic forever nor does its glamour affect one’s beauty in any sort of good way. IMO this is my one last chance to turn it all around and be a hot starlet, a hot anything, everything, and the only way that’s going to happen is by good nutrition and exercise, the RIGHT kind of exercise. if you had the chance and opportunity to do that for yourself, you would be the stupidest person on the planet to me if you turned it down. if you’ve never been pretty or fit and if by some chance don’t value that at all, never ever fantasize about a year as a fit person, doing trashy talk show before and after photo circuits, getting some strange accented man at an all exclusive to plough you for a week, come on lady, don’t tell me you wouldn’t do half a year’s work to achieve that. don’t tell me summer isn’t coming AGAIN next year, because it is.
friends should exercise together. that’s what friends are for. i see some of my friends aging and drinking like we is kids and it scares me a little, only for vanity purposes but no deep down i know there’s a lot of bad substance abuse partying that obviously should not be occurring but at the very least should be offset by some healthy activities. if you enjoy getting wasted together then you should enjoy getting wasted on endorphins together.
tyler’s first day in the showdown room. bit nerve racking. but also exciting cos it’s go time. in showing up you have already decided to get fit and be fit so it doesn’t really matter what the readings say (weight, body fat %) because THAT person will be no more.
gotta go, lying in the sun, can’t really see the screen have to enjoy this day as it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and also have to magically clean the tower whilst enjoying said sun. watched the roommate last night, holy cuckoo bananas and exact same premise as SWF, to which i am also an expert as i’ve got TONS of single white females up in ma grill. ew i just took an ancient pillowcase off of an even ancienter pillow and i have never seen a more disgusting pillow. this is why i am spring clean beaver fever insane, guy has been living like a bachelor sans pretty princess and so there is a lot of work to do (family coming over tomorrow did i say that already?) on top of honeymoon slob stage that happens, double disaster. stella keeps territorial pissing (hey that’s a nirvana song) everywhere (even though i take her out daily and bag her shit) intermittently, is it an aging thing? i am not a dog person so, but don’t worry, there’s two retarded cats here also to fill that void. lady garbage has a song now, to the tune of lady madonna, with garbage at her feet. the other one, her eyes look in opposite directions and i love it.
make all your emails to me awesome, you never know, i may just reply in vlog-form. haha i’m playing this right now and stella is looking around for me even though i’m sitting right here my voice is being broadcast directly INSIDE HER MIND.
hahahaha flattering. don’t worry, new ‘kinis are coming my way. wonder if i should stay tan lineless this year? should i make my signature tan lines again for the movie? maybe i should ask them first and now that it’s back to raining we have at least one more day of alabaster on our hands.
i cannot believe how long this phone has lasted me. it’s going to totally blow up soon. i am such a cheapskate procrastinator waiting on shannon and i’s schedule to align so i can take her unused blackberry off her. speak of the devil my phone rang and then said reset app and now it’s hourglassing its balls off on me now shit. i bet it was teacher calling. yes bring home more presents you don’t have to call to ask me about that.
i told the teacher the story about the first day i wore these tube flops. what an event. it’s like floating 3D acid trip arrows were all hovering around my legs pointing down, NEW ITEM! LOOK! i practically ran home from the dovercourt starbucks with my bodum passed the parkdale regular fare also totally like what!!? about my fluorescent in their face feet. tubular.
no i think i’m steering more toward dog the bounty hunter territory now. i mean, i can run and we both have wavy blond hair and all kinds of weird shit dangling off us. flare. flair? meh. this joke is over.
scary, intense, awesome, like dating a pile of pink sugar what speaks. i think largely why i get away with showing my tits is because i don’t have any. i can’t tell you how many people mistake me for a guy on youtube. f-rs.
having some family over sunday means must clean everything. EH VEH RAY THEENG. i feel like a bike ride. i must prepare myself for my work out now. i am ready for them (it’s tyler’s first real work out). i am listening to someone precariously slide/shove a piece of junk mail under the door right meow cos i won’t answer it and stella keeps low growl/barking and i keep shushing her in my underwear. COOL MOMENT!