you know when you get something jammed under a fingernail what do you do? use a different nail to dig it out of course but then the dirt gets stuck under that nail then you use the initial nail what got shit jammed beneath it to get the thing out of the other nail and so on until you LOSE YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MIND. and by you i mean me. yesterday i partook in this little bullshit back and forth ritual in the bathroom for what felt like ten minutes i was like oh so this is why i never have nails cool.

finally went for a tan. vitamin d burst was direly necessary.

i ruined dinner by throwing a frozen brick of minced chicken onto the veggies in the pan. the thing looked totally thawed out all around how was i to know it was an ice cube to the core? so went out for japanese where-in our waitress smashed a glass right beside our table and some shards landed on it then the food came and i recalled stating the last time we ate there that we would no longer be eating there again (thank you weed for the decent memory recall) the food is overpriced, not that mind blowing but mostly, overpriced. the sashimi kinda blows too you have to eat it pretty fast otherwise halfway through you realise what you are doing and can easily get sicked out about it, the fish suddenly tastes fishy. you’d think for landing shards of broken glass onto a customer’s table you might give them a dish for free? ichiban? ichiBANNED!

dave bought wii and wii fit plus and this other game that you can sit on your ass and play. my mii character looks like my old one except with blonde hair, kinda bizarre to see. i don’t feel like a blonde person. i think i will have to be platinum white before it sinks in and even then i still won’t feel it. i think honey soft blonde is more my style as i have dark eyebrows. oh yeah wii so it feels good to work muscles that have long since turned to measly mush. that combined with yesterday’s tan has me not hating on my body so much today.

later on we’re hanging with jenny which i’m sure will be raising some people’s eyebrows if you have/had been following along since the beginning of blog. let me help you not waste your commenting time by stating here and now: 1. i do not fucking care what you have to say or think about her and her ex you-know-who in case you forgot this is MY blog and it existed well before these people ever touched my life. point being, spare me. people move on and grow up, it’s called life. be an adult and get over it. stop pining for something no one wants to discuss with you. 2. any and every person from here on in (i actually began implementing this not too long ago) who leaves me a piece of shit in my comments has their IP address outright banned from being able to even access my blog. re-release your ip? that one gets banned too and so on, in fact whole batches of ips have been blocked fucking over everyone in your hood too way to go jack. 3. i am not even friends with her ex anymore (shit happens) therefore you leaving me piss-ant comments about it is that much more embarrassing for you. 4. thank you in advance for the traffic hike ew bags.

ok so back to me and jenny. yeah she said some nasty shit about me and me her (she started it!) then some other stuff happened and i thought you know i should probably write her and make amends what’s the point in having shitty connections with so many people* all the time and for what? something that had NOTHING to do with me but i got dragged into anyway, no skin off my back right so i made contact, we said our i’m sorrys and here we are today about to get shit fucking drunk it’s gonna be awesome.

*have since copied this ideal and applied it to a few other relationships in my life as well you should do it too.

ps. i think it’s super lame that i have to have a warning disclaimer on my blog regarding some (should be insignificant) thing. everyone else who doesn’t care i apologize for making you feel like i am yelling at you. i am tired of fielding retarded comments from people who think i give a shit.

in case you can’t tell i am SO premenstrual right now.

found a use for the black hearts garland.

nice i’m on top of things.

a lot of raymisms have to be taken down this week. not suitable for christian eyes.

hahaha rye/steph this made me think of you guys. “no hope etc…mascara.” so me.

i love jhonen vasquez.

my dad laughs his ass off to these too.

don’t think moms would be into this one featuring people making fuck to nature.

still my dreamboat.

nothing says merry christmas more than this. that is an awesome antique piece (dresser).

brett michaels tribute. my hair is “combined of my [natural] hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer.” HAHAHA.

dave finally cleaned out the manhole aka shithole. filled up a heavy duty garbage bag with his clothes cast aways. found some things to borrow.

hey guys who wants to hit the arcade ugh i can’t make jokes straight.

you should hang on to that one.

so, um, you like dirt bikes?

who’s ghost knees are those hahaha.

socks goin’ missin’ like craaaaaazaaaaaaaay.

welcome to skinny town. i invented the best dip ever not sharing it.

burnt out a billion times saturday. fell asleep at like the foot of the bed with my ankles hitched over the railing with all my clothes on so ghetto.

the corpse makeup artist better get my spackle right. i remember my grandpa had a ton of orange foundation on and it wigged me out pretty bad i was like THAT’S NOT HIM THAT’S NOT HIM my dad had to drag me away. cool first open casket experience.

total burn out. give me a break man trying to keep yourself entertained is exhausting.

roots don’t fail me now.

i’d be hotter if my head was permanently upside down. i’ve always felt that.

i called and asked when the black light bowling began and the guy was totally confused by it (how can you be confused and not know what a black light is when the place you work at is sort of fuckin’ heavily-centered/reliant on it?) so i said disco bowling and felt so embarrassed. genius on the phone has an epiphany and goes oh cosmic bowling? YES einstein whatever you chiefs call it by that when does that begin? all day on saturdays. oh wicked so i’ve been falling asleep all over the house all day long desperately waiting for ten o’clock for no reason at all? COOL.

mustache rides aren’t free.

apparently i put it on upside down.

i am so 80’s my dad right now. uncanny. i remember he shaved it off one day and i was like who are you? so weird.

you’re not supposed to use flash because you might distract all the other cosmic bowlers out there. so all you get is a blurry shot of dave as hitler cop.

FAHAHAA my brother is going to lose it.

oh my god i was so bad. they wouldn’t let me use the wimpy kid balls cos they might shatter. guys do you think i am launching them out of a cannon or something? burn on them as one was in our ball carousel (what is that thing called?) but you can’t fit your fingers in them properly also you get paranoid of shattering it thanks to those knuckleheads. don’t worry i gave them a hard time before going off to bowl i was like can i have a kid ball please? no? why not? those are the rules? you actually have rules about adults not being allowed to use children’s bowling balls? bullshit. i should have been like AND WHO WAS THAT IDIOT WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE WHEN I CALLED!? i made sure to throw the adult ones as hard as i could down the lane which is why i licked in the points department, in hindsight.

extra ‘staches cos i really wanted a blonde one. hipsters you know it’s over when your main accessory is available in a burlington bowling vending machine.

it’s the experience not the destination.

“always fun”? try ALWAYS EXPENSIVE. you have to pay per frame not the hour. maje maje rip.

my score for this round was better than each person’s in the party of four playing beside us.

side note, i am super fascinated by spying on, eavesdropping, anything involving everyone here. fascinated because i feel like i am on a different planet sometimes here. like, you guys actually for real live lives here, seriously before i arrived this is all real? kinda the same feeling i had living in maine. can’t describe it other than permanent-outsider feeling maybe. so spectating a foursome date bowling on a saturday night in burlington is something special to me for that alone. there is no irony whatsoever about it unlike my shithead self.

in hamilton at that bar we went to to see USS (rokbar?) anyway the bathroom was all black and sleek (kinda like the drake/tattoo parlour) i was pissing and i heard two chicks come in and totally got blown away by the bathroom’s decor so i race-pissed as fast as possible so i could go out and see what they looked like. one girl proclaimed that even the toilets were black and were in fact “pimp” and “even the water looked black” so i’m washing my hands making my face look as little smug as possible while i eyeball them in the mirror. i felt like my thoughts were so loud they would fully betray me but nope the girls kept digging on the bathroom and i left feeling like a total, total asshole. see what the city does to you? hardens you a little. whatever, let them have their pimp bathroom i felt that whole scenario was endearing anyway.

it’s ok to be jealous of my fly moves. good luck working out what is even going on.

dave slayed me both frames. rounds? whatever i blew. gunned bowling is the shit. pulled out a bottle of fireball in the truck and invented a new painful (and disgusting) way to give’r. take a slug, swallow, then a drag off a dewb you will not be disappointed. you will not even know your name afterward. later on we rented fubar oh right on.

bowling radio is also awesome. you didn’t select the jams therefore when caught grooving to ‘em you can be like hey man, it’s just bowling. i am actually trying to figure out how to track down a brutal song i dug on last nite based on the dismal amount of lyrics i can remember and i am too embarrassed to share them here. OMG it’s a miley cyrus song woah lame bait well at least it sounds nothing like her so it’s ok? it’s just bowling man.

lots more where this came from hold your breaths!

jack up the volume if you will (tinny laptop speakers).

i only wish there could be more lights on this house.

and it could rain snowflakes. or snow them.

or have arrows that direct you to where the driveway is complete with xmas lights carport in case it wasn’t obvious. though i think it is actually meant to invite you into the backyard for more light displays seriously these strangers disappeared to the side of the house to the back for awhile.

and my other wish is for the display on the front lawn to fade into a new one on a set timer!

this display is not at all eye-searing, obnoxious or fucked and i think that this house should go on a date with the house on my dad’s street with all the crazy junk shit in the lawn. also, good for you why not right? zany trumps ordinary any day for me.

angles, guys.

checked out mapleview mall’s extended hours, checked some names off the list ho ho ho. tried on and fell in love with a summer maxi dress (on clearance) didn’t do it. will now obsess and regret. i feel it’s wrong to buy summer garb for yourself a week before christmas not that i believe in any nativity scene scene or anything but i guess it’s like honouring thy other people i should be buying for right now vibe? plus the bleach blond cali-type girl was all are you going on vacation? uhh why? ooooh right um yeah no but you never know right? pfft girl i am going to wear this thing around the house until it falls apart. or in new orleans.

OK HOSERS I LOVE YOU!

szechuan stir-fry chicken with steamed veg paired with brown rice vermicelli noodles and loads of sriracha.

thanks jaymbo!

it’s hard to ignore how fully lazy and sloppy some of my fellow burlingtonists are.

seriously, what is going on here have you not heard of trying?

supes more terrible on the eyes in real life. i am fighting the urge to go over there right now and asking did you just like give up after drive-by throwing that multi-coloured net light strand up there like that? thanks for the laughs we get every time we pass your joint. i know that was mean but i don’t care, if you saw this thing in the daylight you’d get very depressed.

spicy food lips plus red chapstick and sweats.

far out man.

sriracha attack. craving it big time now.

i think my hair is too brassy.

pee pee stance?

first time leaving the house since monday.

went to this new cozy place (albeit douchey)(big time) around the corner called tin cup. nice place but a little (a lot) out of place. i think they forgot to check the city map before they decorated the inside as the clientele they’re going for aren’t exactly the dominant-residing citizen of this town. it was funny seeing the faces of some of those canadian tuxedos coming through the door looking around and immediately leaving. also there’s an enormous tiger woods photo on the wall you guys obviously don’t read the news and another thing, golf sports bar? good luck with that genre. moreover while i’m at it what’s with all these new “high-end” suburban restaurants with their obnoxiously tall and sumptuous (oooh sooo sumptuous) booths? darkly coloured wrap-around the restaurant seating oh my god we get it you’re exclusive-posturing fuck off oh how nice they don’t use decimal points in their prices we must be in for a reeeeal experience now!

sorry sorry whatever. hating all the time is exhausting. maybe one day a week i will have a nothing but positivity rule around here see how that goes over. how interesting. but until then let me tell you about the girls night out table beside us and their large order of nachos (served in a trough)(i have never seen a plate so big before in my life) that took them forever to get through. i wasn’t going to slag them until i remembered just now they all shot me dirty up and down looks (according to dave) when i had to squeeze by to pay the bill. on the way back i purposely slinked through with maybe 4 inches of room and how dare i nudge their chair just a little bit. at least i was dressed like punky brewster. fuck them. i temporarily revoke my women rule take as i am frequently reminded of how many shitty ones there are out there. why can’t you just ignore my existence entirely while mawing through layers of nachos like how i ignore your awful hairstyles and wardrobe?

’tis the season!

here i’ll make it up to you this is the best part in the hangover:

i am so fat and bloated from being sick and barely moving the past few days i want a treadmill asap.

oh god. i have in my possession a diary of mine from 1999. it got mixed in with a bunch of christmas junk and as it’s just a regular hilroy notebook my mom thought it was hers (yeah sure) cos the second half contains her journal entries about me haha ugh. i can’t even bring myself to get passed page 3 of this thing so i’m just going to transcribe without thinking hit publish and forget about it. the good thing is i have 30 more diaries chock-full of embarrassment. i used to have to write in code cos my snoopy mother aka gestapo back when we were teenagers just couldn’t not invade my privacy. the one time i took off for a nite at 16 to party at sherkston beach my parents call the cops and file a missing persons report (guys relax why are you so obsessed with me)(kidding relax again) inviting cops into my room and they all had a good ole time rifling through my fucking diaries. so invasive. mom, it’s not called running away it’s called givin’er. she was all angry cos if i “ran away” again the cops would be all too bad you cried wolf once. anyway this journal is the aftermath of that, being grounded.

12.07am date unknown ok i can’t even post that entry so embarrassing. maybe this was a bad idea. today me comments will be in brackets.

2.46am natural spring water – one sip of
9 blueberries – consumed
goodnight

(PRETENTIOUS NERD MUCH)

1.31am august 8/99

sat in a beautiful outdoor bistro today. perrier, earl grey, fruit tart et ice glacee. (i am dying inside right now this is brutal i can barely get through it)(i am such an asshole too, perrier? when did i ever order that prior to this? never.) absolutely divine. (i want to jump out of a fucking window) complete with cobblestones, antique lamps with vines + grapes. umbrellas, marble tables with wrought iron chairs. busboys + servers were hitting on me. yup – still got it! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)(at 16 i should hope so wtf) niagara on the lake. bought a chapeau. (a stupid black old lady/blossom hat that i wore never)(and please stop dropping french words thanks)

1.42pm august 9/99

it is 1.42 in the afternoon (yes thanks we know) and i have not yet showered or brushed my teeth. still grounded and beginning to crawl out of my mind. or persay, (OMG PERSAY) my mind is crawling out of me. OK. i’ll let it out of the bag. i’m depressed. but that word is so petty. so common. i hate everyone. (how novel) i hate this place more so. i need a holiday away from everyone. i am quite bored.

then in cheesy script i wrote Like a minx…… (PROFOUND!)

august 10/99 11:01pm

will meet kevin spacey. (oh god)

ok so i’ve been omitting all the gay quotes i put in this thing oh whatever here’s one:

12.06am 11 august 99

val is dead he OD’d on E w/painkillers. terrible. poor val. tears are an indulgence.

so i snuck out during the day to hang with some of the crew i partied with at sherkston and one of them died obvs. i had forgotten all about that. i was playing football (catch) with that guy for hours and all these jocks joined in couldn’t believe the arm on me, true i had the wind advantage but still. anyway val was in the back of my friend’s car on the way to wherever and no one knew he was dead his gf was in the front seat. fucked.

1.42am

sometimes i think if people could see into my heart, nobody would love me. sometimes you just can’t believe how awful you are. it makes you shake your head.

i guess i stopped writing dates down. i’ve skipped ahead a bit it got a little too cheesed out there.

7.37pm

you could smell the rose bushes that’s some kind of flower. like a drug or something. one sniff makes you feel like you’re not living up to scratch, you should be having a better time. one night, i’d like to feel as if i wasn’t waiting for my life to start for once, i’d like to have a life as good as the one you imagine when you smell roses.

FAAAAAAAAAAAART!

don’t worry it gets worse the following is me drunk journaling in my nana’s backyard in the moonlight with candles lit all around me gaaaay. i had to stay with them for a week during a new grounding period for taking off with two swiss dudes in huntsville when my parents took me to some resort and i fucked up their time. i was also faking a british accent (my favoured specialty) and my mom totally busted me on the patio drinking with these guys and faking it i had to take her aside and sternly whisper scream at her not to blow my cover meanwhile she’s laughing her balls off. here’s a tip: never take an ungrateful (depressed) teenager (who is already grounded)(nothing to lose) on vacation with you. if i had more room and freedom i wouldn’t have done half the stupid shit that i did, JUST SAYIN’.

i could be in paris, looking up at the moon like i am now. eating melon, a whole variety of melons. water, honeydew, cantaloupe. i could be on a beautiful patio/balcony with the city lights everywhere, my lover (ew) could be in the bedroom indoors, smoking expensive cigarettes and butting them out in tinfoil ashtrays. (WHAT? why wouldn’t there be ceramic ashtrays? am i in a gorgeous ghetto?) i could be rich and sinister, sneering at the lower class. (ohhh great) i could be the lower class. (phewf!) i could crush grapes, staining my fingers and licking off the juice. i could fly away. i could be a bird. i could be the smartest person in the whole world, and you could know it. i could be invisible i remember when all i cared about was candy. i remember all i ever wanted was candy, and all i ever thought about was candy and i always envied hansel + gretel. (why am i such a huge fucking liar?) i remember snow white and her beautiful forest with talking birds and such. i remember the ocean in florida and red pistachio nuts at night. i remember gym class and how i could never haul myself up that rope. i remember the playground and scraping my knees on the limestone. i remember santa claus i remember being alone and how much i hate yelling. i remember winter.

ok i have to go do some actual writing now. sorry for wasting your time. truly.

vote raymitheminx please!

ahh so spoiled. keira fucking rules, here’s why but before that dave says thanks too cos there is nothing he wants more than more hello kitty shit littering his house. he is very pumped to now be the co-owner of a hello kitty chachka.

ooooh which one could it be?

the suspense was gonzo as i had the weakling pretty bad in-trying to tear this thing open.

good choice!!!! so whimsical i keep staring at it and sighing dreamily.

now these are why she rules. i went vintage shopping with keira in vancouver and spent way too much money then spied these on our way out, wanted them but forced myself to stop (i have a sunglasses collecting problem) and off we went. then sneaky goes back and gets them for me so sweet. i totally forgot about them too.

they come in super handy for sick season. mostly though i cannot wait for summer now more than ever.

lets go skipping.

there’s a video of me reading the card. i think i sound raspy and whispery in it.

keira is one of those girls everybody wants to hate cos they’re so perfect but then you meet her and realize she can get down and shitty like the best of ‘em, namely me. she has a heart of gold, clearly, and is a girl’s girl which i absolutely love. i am too, people never expect that of me but anyway, i relate to keira because her real life persona rules and i’m not saying that her blog persona doesn’t i just mean i was expecting perfection and all that comes along with it (can often be boring no?) but turns out she is a real human being. the only way i know how to compare it by is how people feel when they meet me and realize how great i am, right steph? you just have to meet her, the end.

thanks gill xoxo!

you too britt and brad <3.

sage is jazzed for summer too.

here she is today.

i set designed that dog hair pube fuzz to purposely be in the shot too fyi.

here i am nite one of being sick and letting my hair dry naturally. wavy mess monster.

the landlord came over to complain about his sick wife and i said fifty times in-between his heavy portuguese-accented english ramblings that i too was sick. i was sniffling and sneezing and coughing like crazy, blowing my nose, dude still didn’t get it. then he said i looked good. i always try to mask my sickness under loads of makeup then by the time i get to mascara i stop and it appears like i have no facial features haha. the landlord cannot handle playing wife, making meals, i almost said that is so portuguese of you. it was obvious he stormed out of the house in the middle of a spat cos he mentioned he was really sick. anyway it was cool feeling like i was on death’s door listening to twenty minutes of complaining.

ps. if you want to make a thing of my portuguese generalization i fully invite you to do so. i went to a largely-attended by portuguese kids elementary school as streetsville’s community is hugely port. based (as well as italian) fuck, all my best friends were ‘chops and one of which’s father helped build the school. also five years spent working in an indie hardware store makes me an expert on every single nationality there is. one portuguese dude wouldn’t ever let me lift top soil bags into his trunk “because i was a girl and would get dirty” i had to fight him on it meanwhile he’s got parkinsons and is like a thousand years old. i just had to outright ignore him and chuck those (heavy) things into the trunk clap my hands clean and on to the next customer. portuguese guys are great workers but make them clean something, fix a meal, anything remotely femaley and all of a sudden their work-ethic goes straight out the window.

then i got up to change. pissing in those overalls is super annoying you’re sitting there half naked shivering your ass off crouched on the toilet.

so pale. nice muscle def tho! too lazy to do a full mask.

if you’re ever bored go for a tan when you’re sick and feverish. i’ve done it in the past and it is the stupidest idea ever right after tanning following sushi (near-ass explosion) lunch. hi i’m sweating and snotting big time now i am going to lie in an ultra-violet superbed coffin for 8 minutes.

not much happening in these parts.

except eating every hour cos as long as i keep eating i forget i’m sick. starve a flu feed a cold? feed a cold starve a flu? haha exact same thing i have been going over that line in my head over and over also it’s helpful to know what exactly you’re sick with. do you like that my friend olive oil (on the stove) is also wearing an apron? she’s so martha stewart i love her.

i think i’m on the mend despite still feeling utterly brutal. this morning it was pleasing to clear my throat into the toilet. i say no more.

keira is all over the archives here and here.