How to find Love abroad

Hey peeps. I wrote this in April for Playboy, we then decided to take a V SPOT direction but I still had this kick ass advice feature and just as I’m about to embark on another life journey adventure plus am in the throes of packing travel anxiety at the mo, why not share it with you now? Not that you need my advice but it couldn’t hurt. As a writer, not everything makes it or is used I’m sure plenty of you writers out there know that too. Enjoy!

People go away to meet new people because they’re sick of where they’re from and everyone there.

Have you seen 1997’s Addicted to Love? In it, Tchéky Karyo’s character Anton is a French restauranteur from Paris with a swanky eatery in NYC that’s flourishing because he’s from somewhere else – a key component in many a successful venture as there are many French guys to go around in Paris. You must leave and spread your seed elsewhere for people to appreciate it. Less competition in other words, you stand out more. You must go away, in some instances, to get play.

On vacation people get to be the best versions of themself. Your mood is like a pheromone drifting on the salty ocean breeze, you don’t even know the power of your allure. One must tread cautiously on vacay because there are love bugs at every juncture if you’re that kind of romantic, crazy sort. If you’ve been single for awhile, or abstaining, and lacking of affection for many months. Warning: your guard WILL be down. (and also up) You will fall in love! You might fall in a hole too. I did! Seriously it was something like 50 first dates and I lisp like Barrymore after a few drinks too.

The harder to get you are, the more they wanna get you. If a typically monogamous gal when out with the gals and being respectful of whatever bloke you’re with it’s like a halo of fuck off to trouble in the shadows, those lurking devils. They study you. People are so revealing without even knowing it. Your eyes, a subtle flick invite on the world. The heart wants what it wants and on vacation it’s like spring fever times a trillion. I spent all winter long pouring vodka on my dormant libido. A milestone birthday on the horizon, a plan to travel elsewhere after Aruba that plan now dashed to pieces because of my Caribbean holiday. The way to fall in love is to not fall in love. To be selfish and greedy. To say yes.

It’s super easy to hook up while abroad but the quality levels vary. Upon entering any club, do the inaugural gauntlet walkthrough and I promise you’ll have at least one super fan or two by the time you finish. Before heading out be sure to say a prayer to the beer goggles gods because they are never as good looking as you think which really doesn’t matter until you see the digi-pics of shame later on which is always fucking hilarious but again it depends what you want out of this fling or flight. The fantasy smashed illusion of post-vacation mini-flings are the worst so be careful about falling for your vacationing beer guzzling Lothario, “an unscrupulous seducer of women”.

When you meet in real life by chance it makes things ultra spicy in that this window is closing fashion, and I don’t have to care about you or where this is going because we know it’s going to end but what if it doesn’t? It’s a free world more or less and you could move anywhere you can weigh the options. You feel like you will never meet someone like this ever again because you know now what unique is and how come this stranger likes all the things you hate about yourself? Why do people take you for granted back home but love you abroad? Are we deceiving strangers, playing an I’m sexy role? Whatever it is, I say own it and when you get home be like that’s right, maybe y’all shoulda been nicer to me.

On vacation you let your hair down and all the unattractive things about you vanish, specifically stress. It makes you ugly. You wear less makeup, your skin shines, your hair is crazy insane from the heat, you adopt a don’t give a fuck constitution and it brings all the boys to the yard who are already there pissing in it.

I am a realist who keeps it real. I do stupid sh!t in the name of love. I am a f- up artist and men love it. Many men tell me I am smarter than they are. It’s not just me who can minx abroad though, you all have it in you. Think about how many times at home you say “no”. Do you want to be a no person forever? Also at home there are less opportunities it seems to even say yes so I’m not exactly advising rash stupidity I’m “just saying” do a personal experience overhaul and be the fun girl for once. I know it’s hard to turn off your brain and pointless Canadian self-guilt sensors in the mix of it but YOU GOT TO.

Do go off with a stranger, but keep it in the safer touristy areas where there’s lots of witnesses and if this guy (or gal) are as stand-up as they are proclaiming to be make them take you out sightseeing the next day first so they can earn it and you can have a clearer head about the whole idea. But if you just wanna f-ck ‘n chuck then make sure they can at least stand up cos their lil captain later on in the room/behind a palm tree, will not. Ask them a billion times where they’re staying (I have memory problems) and if they say they came with a crew of dudes they become less sexier and that helps you realise you do not actually want to do this guy. Seriously you think you’re the first girl he’s had this are we gonna bone chat with? Do you know how gross four dudes to a hotel room is? Ultra.

It’s not always about sex even though that’s the end result and probably partial meaning to life other than love. Plus money. The question is what do you value most? Pensioners who wait until they are retired to start vacationing, what’s the point when you can’t f-ing walk or party anymore? Seize the day. Do things while you’re young before set in your ways, see the world and fall in love once in a while. If it ends in disaster you can do it again. Take a chance. Give yourself that courtesy and never be afraid of yourself or capabilities and for god sake be street smart.

From travel you learn that globally, people are all after the same thing and you can hit it with any one of them but first you just gotta meet. Pickins’ ain’t slim out there either so don’t bring sand to the beach bro, your opposite sex bestie is going to cramp your style in no time or worse, pick up before you and you’ll be bitter. To know who we are we must leave where we’re from and I now know I’m a treasure built for pleasure, so why not go with it.

By the way, most of these guidelines are for if you meet another fellow traveler. If you meet a local of your destination you are definitely going to break their heart and that power can be intoxicating so go easy and don’t string them along too much. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it if they get out of line though because sun seekers like you arrive via turnstile and there is always another you. Being trapped in paradise is an actual thing. These smooth criminals know what to say to sell us on all things Caribbean so know at which junctures to turn on and off your brain, and heart. Enjoy the ride and remember no glove no love lol xoxo Raymi Bunny.

I don’t know why i uploaded this

But you’re welcome?

Today I had the dentist again, blood work, x-ray, banking, brunch with mom, now I have to edit my insaniac farticle then get ready for dinner with colleague for a mystery resto that’s really hot right meow, hipster caj. Dressing for mysteries, so, mysterious. Tomorrow I have the dentist again early morning for the other half of my face and my face is still frozen right now too so eating will be a trip. Holy crap. Later.

I feel like stalking to someone right meow

That’s it I’m bored out of my mind/avoiding stuff. I have done ass all since being back. I have zero interest in all: things. Anyway enough about me maybe some pictures will help inspire my blabber mouth.

You don’t know how awesome shit is until you take a step back from it you get greedy and think things will never end. You get over things quick, snarky “over” kind of over, capital whatever. That’s so wrong and it’s because of technology and the need to share every single experience live like it is our duty, the attention span wains. I heard about google glass for two weeks straight from an entirely different perspective because I saw how first hand how handy it would be to look at all of Aruba through it and stream our bullshit because in a blink of an eye you’re down another and another street and you can’t possibly process it all. I can barely get through my abundance of footage, I’m too hoardy maybe. Lazy.

Yesterday we skyped all day long. We are kind of going insane. We were inseparable for 2 weeks and weren’t thinking at the airport I could have stayed on to one of the ABC islands with him. I got wasted because I couldn’t handle it I needed to go home to ditch and switch my wardrobe up. My boots are missing too, I either hid them so good on myself I can’t find them or they were ripped off from The Sheraton’s luggage hold, which is probably what happened and I am ^^#&#^& PISSED and sad. They were a good buy from Buffalo with Lolo and whomever took ‘em knows the treasure that they are. Whatever. I’m over external needs. Being a nudist injured pool rat in the Caribbean makes you a minimalist, no, not one of those pretentious ones I still “need” all my stupid junk and shiny accoutrement and I am simply just lying to myself about the need for skanky boots that I adored and babied.

Thank you Alison love you so much hope it doesn’t get smashed en route with me maybe I’ll bring it in my carry-on.

Love this place.

Thank you for the whistle mom!

I matched it pretty well I think.

They don’t have Balashi here, the lcbo peeps pretty much laughed at me when I asked for it. Aruba? Like I asked for rubies flown in from the Middle East. They hadn’t seen me in two weeks I felt like they should have given me a hug or something lol.

Tanning has been good for my post-vacay depression. My hands are turning into little old lady leather fingers lol.

These are my wooden cotton swabs from the asian market we visited all the time and one of the sons stared at my tits all the time and I’d bust him and it made shit really awkward for me.

Unrelated here’s a couple outtakes from my Movember Calendar shoot. I believe I’m Miss June. Kevin Luc did these. I had a lot of awkward rejects I dunno why I wasn’t on my game that day.

Kind of cute in a wtf kind of way. My specialty.

My birthday dinner.

Love the tent outdoor breeze thing and the violinist serenading the diners and people watching and having to pose for pics for my mom every 4 seconds. Bro was a good sport.

While I was being sung to this guy struggled to light the candle and it ruined the moment and I tried to help him the whole time GIVE UP Bro!

My little grey NB purse strap finally bit the dust just as we walked away from bartering for this little leather gem, mom and Lois hated it, they seem to think I am the same person as them aka a priss. Purses are just robin hood type satchels to put all my shit in and that’s that. Then one day the first gay person ever was like lets make that look better then trillions of dollars later you women are all fucked with Coach purse label whoring.

I miss running. I dashed up the stairs earlier today, tried to. Bad idea. The way I fell that made my foot turn the way it did seems to have trauma memory and I can’t bend it that way sans pain anymore and it still hurts btw, I can walk and stuff but I’m hiding the pain, dealing with it fuck I hope I don’t turn in to one of those arthritis complaining of pains bitches. Laaaame.

Did I mention I have to go to the dentist tomorrow? It’s been years. There’s gonna be lectures and cavities and awards for most bonehead excuses for missing cleanings and reg. check-ups woohoo. Followed by my family doctor and the same rap. Tomorrow, this just in, SUCKS. Plus my mom thinks I am moving too fast going off to Europe like so (but really she’s just bummed and will miss me she admitted via text) but still she’s going to nag me the entire day about it. Tomorrow I am asking for the gas at the D-tist. Maybe not though cos I started having a panic attack the one time I had it and he was drilling my mouth to John Mayer and I wigged out LOL.

I love this bar. I went there often last summer too. There are salt n pepper shakers throughout, I mean every inch of space has wooden shadow boxes housing shakers. Obvi someone thiefed one of these cos there was only one.

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the visitor

Thought he was dead. First dip in our pool and noticed this guy in the drain, ewwwwww dead lizard cooties. He was just chilling from the sun but appeared waterlogged (bloated) and white skinned.

Then he got out of the drain on his own and was floating like a frozen statue by the waterfall, pretty peculiar activity so he must be sick. ps. nice tats.

He didn’t blink at all, like at all, or move so we thought he was dead also it looked really uncomfortable in there and the continuous flow of water draining through and siphoning right back in disgusted me like what’s the point of this pool if dead iguana bacteria is in it. I got over it quick knowing there are so many new foreign bacterias I am being exposed to in Aruba, I try not to be too hyper-germophobic when away cos it can get out of hand how bad can dead lizard in my mouth really be? ahaha trying not to think about it.

Shoulda seen what it looked like from the pool vantage point but I didn’t want to be a moron and bring my phone in there. Can you imagine if it dead lizard floated out of there at me aghhh. We let it go through the fence I hope he’s okay now okay thanks bye later gators.

Come quick there’s a non-paying guest trespassing!


kiss your own ass competitions

Hi friends. Where to begin. Maybe in the middle. What is blogging? Fuck I feel so far removed from the whole damn thing but ever so addicted still, I think it’s fine to give it a rest every so often and self-reflect and by self-reflect I mean party your fucking brains out in the tropics for a couple weeks. I’m writing about it for Playboy Energy CA, actually, and should be doing that right now (bad bad Raymi Bunny girl) BUT I am super depressed about being home so I need to barf up some thoughts here first before accepting reality that I am home in the cold and the boring. No offense but I hated who I was before I left. My brain feels like it went through an electric cleansing screen. Cutting myself off from the toxicity of hyper-connected North America was the best thing ever. Falling in love, too. I mean I didn’t want to but it happened. I fought it. I fight off love and feelings because that shit is cray intense and scary and I’ve left a slew of it before in my wake and I’ve become hardened and independent. I think I gave up looking, quietly confident it will come to me on its own again I am damn done searching, I lazy bitch!

I’ll save the details for another time I’ll just say that I initiated none of this! AHha. It’s like a Tropic of Cancer biopic of insanity actually, to travel all the way to a tiny island and meet someone who has done the same from another side of the world who is like totally the exact same person as you, fate maybe? You don’t see it at first, then you fall in a hole in the ocean and he blows the rest of his travel plans to stay with you. Unbelievable.

Chemistry. The chemical reaction one feels in their body. The knowing. At first it’s a game maybe, fun. Then the green light. We went sight seeing together when it happened and I was like okay well I guess now I will have to have sex with him seeing as I blew his last night in Aruba. I was actually running from him in the ocean after a sick solid five minutes of a sand fight as dinner guests on the beach watched us and the sunset. Compatible shit like that.

Wanting to forget the world together and take it on. Writing lovey babble such as this, freaking out about it, being terrified, knowing you don’t live forever and only once. Minxing each other copmpletely. What is this? he asked. What is what? This. This us. What is this, us? I don’t know, it’s something? We speak in rhymes and riddle because there is a language barrier, it makes things eloquent, bizarre and insane. I love it. I always said I hated accents, the euro-y ones but maybe that’s because I had a thing for them because they scare me, beguile me. Foreignness. I din’t like foreign things, or I do. Am I secretly racist?

Also who stays? Who does that? And for me? What? Why? Alright I’ll stop blathering about that for now and do the real deal travel caption/synopsis report. Those aren’t underwear they’re hiked-up control bathing suit bottoms and that’s my dirtiest sock in the world how, loveable? We sang that it was the dirties sock in the world a la Rihanna, of course. We drove in to a gated community to sight see. We hustled everyone we met. He speaks the language, he speaks four actually, and I’m a half naked white chick so we did whatever we wanted. Lethal combo. People fall in love with crazy people, people who don’t care or try.

This was the gangsterest house in the naybe.

My birthday was delayed by injury, we celebrated it days and days later. Mom’s dress looked like mine.

The last hotel on the right with the green part is the Westin where I stayed last July.

Flinstoner abode behind me was our villa. We moved there from the coconut inn (s-hole) (but we dug it) I can’t remember when. This pool was private for us until our last morning (boo) and we had a great time getting wasted and tanning by it pretty much naked the entire time. You get comfortable in your skin real quick in that heat. I lost 10 pounds. I was bummed I couldn’t run on the beach like I had planned to but all the hopping around I did before I could drag limp my left foot around got me in shape too, up and down stairs, so exhausting. I banged it a lot too and I’m sure drinking on it didn’t help the swelling but I was on vacation so, whatevs.

I miss so much and I hate being back but “I will deal” people who say they don’t mind being back are liars.

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