who likes sex? who liked sex ed? how un-fun was that? imagine going back in time and discussing all the shit you wish your secret whore teacher would say to you in grade seven. my teacher was italian and unwed at thirty. i hope to god she was not a virgin.
this was the first time i ever got my hands on that infamous pussy buffer and it almost sanded my pants off, those costa blanca jeans are already paper thin as is the magic wand brought them pretty close to sayonara town.
it’s actually a back massager then one day a frisky chick decided to take matters into her own hands because her husband sucked at getting her off. i am just kidding i have no idea who the first woman in history to masturbate with a power tool was but she gets my salute and clit at full mast.
look, lets be honest here. i am not even going to pretend anymore it is quite possible that i have a sex addiction slash problem. i don’t see it as a problem, it’s healthy i think, but what i mean is for the sake of this feature i’m not going to pretend that i am not a giant pig who could put the most disgusting perverted player asshole to shame if it came down to it.
i mean, if blasting was a competition i’d get high scores.
i’m not a nymphette. i don’t know what i am. ok enough about me lets talk about how you could discretely please yourself with a jackhammer.
lipstick vibe with a purple light. so darling. yeah you can borrow my lipstick my makeup bag is in my purse. i hope you have dental insurance for all the teeth you cracked using my horny-to-go lipstick.
meet Carlyle Jansen. i have never seen anyone suck a cock so cavalierly and without a hint of sheepishness before it was as seedy as folding laundry in the summertime sunshine in a whimsical meadow.
the rabbit. that thing has so many bells and whistles. one day i will have an arsenal of toys. for now it’s ole neutrogena facial scrubber massager that’s powerful enough to buff out car dents and um, i really hope my dad doesn’t read this post.
the focus of this workshop was sex toys and carlyle kept it pretty tame, she did combine a little bit of head 101 nearing the end which was awesome and greatly appreciated. i want to go to the full on raunchy S&M workshop so i can maybe become a dominatrix and make a shit ton of money before i become old and busted seahag looking. my body is my business tool. why the hell do you think i work out 3/4 times weekly?
you’re supposed to let the rotating beads do their work and not grind them down so the motor shorts out and let the rabbit ears tickle your little man in the boat oh wicked i get to use all the funny clit terminology i’ve accumulated in life. this is a great ah-ha as well as HA HA moment. doing geometry or learning about magnets in school oh miss teacher how will i ever need to know about isosceles triangles when i’m out buying green peppers at the supermarket as a mother? i seriously asked a question like this once during math class which was met with a you’ll see, it WILL be useful to you one day lauren and i 100% get to call bullshit on that because i spent my early friday night evening watching a woman teach me how to fuck myself with various household objects for my career and not once did we discuss isosceles triangles. not once.
when someone comes at you with a vibrating dildo like this i think they mean business. it’s $90 straight if you come in there with your RAYMI15 discount so no tax. i am going to obsessively pore over all the toys when i’m finished this post and select my favourite, if you have any recommendations put them in the comments and we can sext each other about it.
i tested the motor of every single toy passed around on my crotch and yes i lined it up. i don’t think visiting a sex shop on the fly and doing that with all toys on display would be appreciated much less allowed so when you go to your workshop party with your gal friends make sure you do as i do, as well as what i say. in fact, you should probably stop whatever independent thought you may have left and just leave it all up to me for how you should live your life from now on. casie so wants to fuck me in this picture.
melodie had the best outfit on, she had this baby green (that’s why i love it so much it’s a baby colour hue) sweater cardigan. i just texted her and said i am thinking about her and her lady outfit she wore friday night and she was basically a sexy tree and now that’s my new term until i next forget it. i’ll tell you what i am thinking at the time of holding this and the photo being taken and what i am thinking is wow i really want to put this inside me.
take it. how much do you love my outfit?
this one is amazing it looks like a computer mouse and it has various vibrating rhythms like the shiatsu chair at the mall with those balls that go up and down your spine except this is for your clit and labia area.
i pointed out how much i loved that the purple rabbit matched tara’s purple outfit. she has great style. it’s nice that the placard on the wall also is purple-toned. there was a purple water bottle across the room i kinda wanted to add to the shot because i am anal like that. guess who is wearing a purple shirt right now writing this post. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEEEAN!? (i also just used the word anal in a non-sexual way in a post about a sex workshop).
i left this workshop horny as hell so make sure you have someone to molest once you get outta there.
shannon look i found my nail polish that matches your manicure.
sex sponge for when you’re on the rag. ew “on the rag” but yeah haha i asked if you could just go to dollarama and cut up a big sponge. carlyle poo-poo’d that one. i couldn’t tell the difference between the types of sponges though it’s probably super hygienic and safer to use these guys though personally when i do it on my red tide i like it to look like a massacre when i’m done, crime scene nightmare. i keeps it real.
imagine what it would look like when you’re done. you throw it out after right? yeah totally must. see i just learned something all by myself.
if you have a loose pussy put this thing inside you. wear it all day and practice your kegals, squeezing it. there’s a weight in it too that counter-balances your movements and bounces up and down within and you get tighter the more you do this, more control of your muscles and then you can have drunk sex with all the sloppy tiny limp dicks you want because you’ll be able to grip city. not to brag or anything but i’m wicked tight already so i don’t need this. maybe once i have a kid i’ll need it. insert hot dog down a hallway joke. ps. carlyle has an amazing finger tat, see? she is cool man.
i wonder what melodie was saying here.
guess who bragged the most about their sex skills.
i think i’m complaining about how much guys suck at dirty talk. yup i am definitely complaining about that. seriously men, get it together.
then carlyle drew a star trek spaceship looking vagina diagram beginning with the dots. we have three holes. the pee one and the um, fuck i forget already good thing i took a to-go diagram. melodie didn’t even know that we had three holes down there and she knows everything.
vagina puppet probably the scariest puppet ever. can you imagine if we had vaginas on our forehead.
i have smallish hands so if anyone needs um, that. moving along now.
thinking very hard.
shock and awe.
don’t forget about the speed bag. ew EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW sorry ahgahah.
then we watched the most graphic up close video footage of a chick having a mind blowing orgasm, we saw her cum and gush and wow, i forget what the terminology is because i was too busy making many disgustingly hilarious jokes at the time. she came this oozy white substance as well as trickle gushed dad PLEASE STOP READING THIS IF YOU ARE ahaa.
getting ready for it.
there was like a village of people working on her it seemed. i asked if we got to see her face. i think it’s safe to say i was the most immature and vocal person in the room.
what a way to start off your friday night. we don’t half-ass it in these parts, ever.
tin man dildo time.
look how professional i am. i’m so right in there. mhhmm mhmm yep, i see, ok, yep mhmm mhhmm ok great.
again, carlyle for the win.
casie looks bored but that’s only because she’s already a sexpert. me i just won’t shut up.
she makes it look so easy. melodie looks like a stunned little boy. tara is straight loving it. i wonder if any of these chicks were secretly turned on by all this.
what the hell am i pretending to be looking for? dear life, why am i what i am?
i think i’m asking about anal, a show of hands please. i can’t go there, wicked wicked tight.
so limber. i bet she fucks like a perfectionist and you’re left afterward in your sweat and tears of euphoria and she is like, ok next. or you’re having trouble climaxing and she comes back with this completely technical explanation of why you can’t achieve orgasm YOU’RE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HEAD FOCUS ON THE RELEASE GOOD GOOD NOW KEEP GOING and so on.
oh my god ok are you ready for this? everyone choose your favourite flavour. mel and i chose cola, everyone else chose strawberry though i don’t know what tara chose i will ask her on facebook and come back here with the answer when i have it. it’s important. i take this shit very seriously.
that is how far i could deep throat my condom down the shaft. disaster. unacceptable. i assure you my deep throating skills are way better than this on a real dick cos you can thrust in flesh cock way easier especially when you aren’t in a room full of your friends. casie got hers down all the way also red condom looks way sexier than my gross clinical beige looking dome. hahaha one of my friends has a fetish for brown pantyhose on women i bet he is hard as a rock right now looking at my sad deflated looking masterpiece.
i have zero clue what this was about. carlyle taught us how to put a condom on with our mouths. they don’t teach that in sex ed therefore you know it’s a super slutty skill.
same colour as my condom. i am getting closer to learning what flavour she chose.
we learned some dick sucking techniques. my favourite to watch carlyle perform was the dolphin. i was too shy to demonstrate what i learned though.
see how mature i was.
yum, soda pop penis flavour.
amazing. this woman, she is amazing.
no matter the girlish squealy commentary i was screaming out at the time of this knob licking, carlyle didn’t once break form. do you know what it’s like making eye contact with someone while they perform “the dolphin”?
i think you really need to experience it for yourself. i bragged about my deep throating expertise and carlyle was like tell me it, so i did, then melodie was like mmhmm sister and offered up her wisdoms on how to take it.
so pretty and housewifey and smiley and ladylike haha. now all you have to do is just keep smiling and be obedient and you will be able to please your man like so. there’s gotta be an eating pussy workshop i think all men should be forced to take one.
i would have no problem teaching it.
yup, just like that. down the hatch.
and if you don’t want to swallow that spunk you perform a technique called the harmonica and just let it fly out like a supersonic projectile arc of love sauce willy nilly wherever you like. some people in the room said they enjoyed swallowing. i said fuckin’ no way i spit that shit back out onto their stomachs hahahah. swallowing is earned. if they’re about to cum i just time it so it fires up their nose HAhahaahabhahahaa then walk away and light up a doob. alright already hurry the fuck up i got shit to do.
she looks like she’s driving a monster truck.
totally paying attention.
i really want a real looking dildo because i am a pervert.
you become comfortable in this uber welcoming space super fast and all the tits and cocks become no big deal. it’s really an ideal precursor to a fun girls night out of debauch and take it to the grave activities.
they say that learning never ends. it’s nice to keep on top of things.
clearly it was a lot of fun.
haha look at casie.
i’d let her do me. no problem. who says we haven’t already.
look at my serious face.
casie is wearing a kabbala bracelet.
eat a bag of dicks is one of her sayings. well, it would be my pleasure. look at the sexy tree in the background.
baby it’s cold outside.
the boutique downstairs and we were totally kids in a candy store except chicks in a dick store. i bought liquid silk and these. my weekend companion said they were the best underwear he has EVER seen and most favourite underwear he’s ever seen. ever.
someone likes it rough.
ok brosephs thanks for staring. if you want me to come along for comedic relief with your gaggle of slutty friends to a workshop someday i am more than game. if you don’t need me, and you don’t, then go try one of the other workshops, there’s many to choose from. i can only imagine what it would be like to sit in with the cougs for a workshop. i would die. absolutely die. also, don’t forget you have all of february to use your RAYMI15 discount on any and all merchandise for sale in the store, we all know how expensive sex toys are across the board so this is a really sweet hook-up. let me know if you buy anything so i can add it to my future bragging list (you know i will) that i’ll one day drunkenly use to my advantage whilst networking with someone i am trying to convince to advertise on my blog or sleep with. same thing pretty much ahahhaa.
good for her was founded in 1997 and i know they’re the real deal amazing because in 2000, the same time i started my blog, i was interning at a quarterly women’s magazine and GFH placed an ad in every issue and i was always mesmerized by this cult-like seeming body of women in our city and they inspired and empowered me to BE raymi the minx on those messageboards and be proud of this brazen big mouth ray of sunshine that i am and passing GFH on harbord there’s just this cosmic hippie annex-type of energy the structure emits, it is special and it is good and carlyle does a lot of good for people and i think that’s a solid and should be applauded. she’s in a league with sue johanson absolutely. anyway, that’s my little personal gfh-related anecdote not to be all feminist lesbo about it (actually, FULLY to be femilezi about it). ps. carlyle called it good for her to avoid the whole WOMYN/WOMEN fiasco that feminists started. i asked if it was for when a chick snaps one out really good someone points and says GOOD FOR HER! carlyle was like um, no. what can i say, all me all the time.
MISSED YOU GUYS HELLO MONDAY!