who likes sex? who liked sex ed? how un-fun was that? imagine going back in time and discussing all the shit you wish your secret whore teacher would say to you in grade seven. my teacher was italian and unwed at thirty. i hope to god she was not a virgin.

this was the first time i ever got my hands on that infamous pussy buffer and it almost sanded my pants off, those costa blanca jeans are already paper thin as is the magic wand brought them pretty close to sayonara town.

it’s actually a back massager then one day a frisky chick decided to take matters into her own hands because her husband sucked at getting her off. i am just kidding i have no idea who the first woman in history to masturbate with a power tool was but she gets my salute and clit at full mast.

look, lets be honest here. i am not even going to pretend anymore it is quite possible that i have a sex addiction slash problem. i don’t see it as a problem, it’s healthy i think, but what i mean is for the sake of this feature i’m not going to pretend that i am not a giant pig who could put the most disgusting perverted player asshole to shame if it came down to it.

i mean, if blasting was a competition i’d get high scores.

i’m not a nymphette. i don’t know what i am. ok enough about me lets talk about how you could discretely please yourself with a jackhammer.

lipstick vibe with a purple light. so darling. yeah you can borrow my lipstick my makeup bag is in my purse. i hope you have dental insurance for all the teeth you cracked using my horny-to-go lipstick.

meet Carlyle Jansen. i have never seen anyone suck a cock so cavalierly and without a hint of sheepishness before it was as seedy as folding laundry in the summertime sunshine in a whimsical meadow.

the rabbit. that thing has so many bells and whistles. one day i will have an arsenal of toys. for now it’s ole neutrogena facial scrubber massager that’s powerful enough to buff out car dents and um, i really hope my dad doesn’t read this post.

the focus of this workshop was sex toys and carlyle kept it pretty tame, she did combine a little bit of head 101 nearing the end which was awesome and greatly appreciated. i want to go to the full on raunchy S&M workshop so i can maybe become a dominatrix and make a shit ton of money before i become old and busted seahag looking. my body is my business tool. why the hell do you think i work out 3/4 times weekly?

you’re supposed to let the rotating beads do their work and not grind them down so the motor shorts out and let the rabbit ears tickle your little man in the boat oh wicked i get to use all the funny clit terminology i’ve accumulated in life. this is a great ah-ha as well as HA HA moment. doing geometry or learning about magnets in school oh miss teacher how will i ever need to know about isosceles triangles when i’m out buying green peppers at the supermarket as a mother? i seriously asked a question like this once during math class which was met with a you’ll see, it WILL be useful to you one day lauren and i 100% get to call bullshit on that because i spent my early friday night evening watching a woman teach me how to fuck myself with various household objects for my career and not once did we discuss isosceles triangles. not once.

when someone comes at you with a vibrating dildo like this i think they mean business. it’s $90 straight if you come in there with your RAYMI15 discount so no tax. i am going to obsessively pore over all the toys when i’m finished this post and select my favourite, if you have any recommendations put them in the comments and we can sext each other about it.

i tested the motor of every single toy passed around on my crotch and yes i lined it up. i don’t think visiting a sex shop on the fly and doing that with all toys on display would be appreciated much less allowed so when you go to your workshop party with your gal friends make sure you do as i do, as well as what i say. in fact, you should probably stop whatever independent thought you may have left and just leave it all up to me for how you should live your life from now on. casie so wants to fuck me in this picture.

melodie had the best outfit on, she had this baby green (that’s why i love it so much it’s a baby colour hue) sweater cardigan. i just texted her and said i am thinking about her and her lady outfit she wore friday night and she was basically a sexy tree and now that’s my new term until i next forget it. i’ll tell you what i am thinking at the time of holding this and the photo being taken and what i am thinking is wow i really want to put this inside me.

take it. how much do you love my outfit?

this one is amazing it looks like a computer mouse and it has various vibrating rhythms like the shiatsu chair at the mall with those balls that go up and down your spine except this is for your clit and labia area.

i pointed out how much i loved that the purple rabbit matched tara’s purple outfit. she has great style. it’s nice that the placard on the wall also is purple-toned. there was a purple water bottle across the room i kinda wanted to add to the shot because i am anal like that. guess who is wearing a purple shirt right now writing this post. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEEEAN!? (i also just used the word anal in a non-sexual way in a post about a sex workshop).

i left this workshop horny as hell so make sure you have someone to molest once you get outta there.

shannon look i found my nail polish that matches your manicure.

sex sponge for when you’re on the rag. ew “on the rag” but yeah haha i asked if you could just go to dollarama and cut up a big sponge. carlyle poo-poo’d that one. i couldn’t tell the difference between the types of sponges though it’s probably super hygienic and safer to use these guys though personally when i do it on my red tide i like it to look like a massacre when i’m done, crime scene nightmare. i keeps it real.

imagine what it would look like when you’re done. you throw it out after right? yeah totally must. see i just learned something all by myself.

if you have a loose pussy put this thing inside you. wear it all day and practice your kegals, squeezing it. there’s a weight in it too that counter-balances your movements and bounces up and down within and you get tighter the more you do this, more control of your muscles and then you can have drunk sex with all the sloppy tiny limp dicks you want because you’ll be able to grip city. not to brag or anything but i’m wicked tight already so i don’t need this. maybe once i have a kid i’ll need it. insert hot dog down a hallway joke. ps. carlyle has an amazing finger tat, see? she is cool man.

i wonder what melodie was saying here.

guess who bragged the most about their sex skills.

i think i’m complaining about how much guys suck at dirty talk. yup i am definitely complaining about that. seriously men, get it together.

then carlyle drew a star trek spaceship looking vagina diagram beginning with the dots. we have three holes. the pee one and the um, fuck i forget already good thing i took a to-go diagram. melodie didn’t even know that we had three holes down there and she knows everything.

vagina puppet probably the scariest puppet ever. can you imagine if we had vaginas on our forehead.

i have smallish hands so if anyone needs um, that. moving along now.

thinking very hard.

shock and awe.

don’t forget about the speed bag. ew EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW sorry ahgahah.

then we watched the most graphic up close video footage of a chick having a mind blowing orgasm, we saw her cum and gush and wow, i forget what the terminology is because i was too busy making many disgustingly hilarious jokes at the time. she came this oozy white substance as well as trickle gushed dad PLEASE STOP READING THIS IF YOU ARE ahaa.

getting ready for it.

there was like a village of people working on her it seemed. i asked if we got to see her face. i think it’s safe to say i was the most immature and vocal person in the room.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5402792170/in/photostream/

what a way to start off your friday night. we don’t half-ass it in these parts, ever.

tin man dildo time.

look how professional i am. i’m so right in there. mhhmm mhmm yep, i see, ok, yep mhmm mhhmm ok great.

again, carlyle for the win.

casie looks bored but that’s only because she’s already a sexpert. me i just won’t shut up.

she makes it look so easy. melodie looks like a stunned little boy. tara is straight loving it. i wonder if any of these chicks were secretly turned on by all this.

what the hell am i pretending to be looking for? dear life, why am i what i am?

i think i’m asking about anal, a show of hands please. i can’t go there, wicked wicked tight.

so limber. i bet she fucks like a perfectionist and you’re left afterward in your sweat and tears of euphoria and she is like, ok next. or you’re having trouble climaxing and she comes back with this completely technical explanation of why you can’t achieve orgasm YOU’RE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HEAD FOCUS ON THE RELEASE GOOD GOOD NOW KEEP GOING and so on.

oh my god ok are you ready for this? everyone choose your favourite flavour. mel and i chose cola, everyone else chose strawberry though i don’t know what tara chose i will ask her on facebook and come back here with the answer when i have it. it’s important. i take this shit very seriously.

that is how far i could deep throat my condom down the shaft. disaster. unacceptable. i assure you my deep throating skills are way better than this on a real dick cos you can thrust in flesh cock way easier especially when you aren’t in a room full of your friends. casie got hers down all the way also red condom looks way sexier than my gross clinical beige looking dome. hahaha one of my friends has a fetish for brown pantyhose on women i bet he is hard as a rock right now looking at my sad deflated looking masterpiece.

i have zero clue what this was about. carlyle taught us how to put a condom on with our mouths. they don’t teach that in sex ed therefore you know it’s a super slutty skill.

same colour as my condom. i am getting closer to learning what flavour she chose.

hahahaehehehheheheheeeeheheheheahahahaehaehaehaeaeaheha. yes.

we learned some dick sucking techniques. my favourite to watch carlyle perform was the dolphin. i was too shy to demonstrate what i learned though.

see how mature i was.

yum, soda pop penis flavour.

amazing. this woman, she is amazing.

no matter the girlish squealy commentary i was screaming out at the time of this knob licking, carlyle didn’t once break form. do you know what it’s like making eye contact with someone while they perform “the dolphin”?

i think you really need to experience it for yourself. i bragged about my deep throating expertise and carlyle was like tell me it, so i did, then melodie was like mmhmm sister and offered up her wisdoms on how to take it.

so pretty and housewifey and smiley and ladylike haha. now all you have to do is just keep smiling and be obedient and you will be able to please your man like so. there’s gotta be an eating pussy workshop i think all men should be forced to take one.

i would have no problem teaching it.

yup, just like that. down the hatch.

and if you don’t want to swallow that spunk you perform a technique called the harmonica and just let it fly out like a supersonic projectile arc of love sauce willy nilly wherever you like. some people in the room said they enjoyed swallowing. i said fuckin’ no way i spit that shit back out onto their stomachs hahahah. swallowing is earned. if they’re about to cum i just time it so it fires up their nose HAhahaahabhahahaa then walk away and light up a doob. alright already hurry the fuck up i got shit to do.

she looks like she’s driving a monster truck.

totally paying attention.

i really want a real looking dildo because i am a pervert.

you become comfortable in this uber welcoming space super fast and all the tits and cocks become no big deal. it’s really an ideal precursor to a fun girls night out of debauch and take it to the grave activities.

they say that learning never ends. it’s nice to keep on top of things.

clearly it was a lot of fun.

haha look at casie.

i’d let her do me. no problem. who says we haven’t already.

look at my serious face.

casie is wearing a kabbala bracelet.

eat a bag of dicks is one of her sayings. well, it would be my pleasure. look at the sexy tree in the background.

baby it’s cold outside.

the boutique downstairs and we were totally kids in a candy store except chicks in a dick store. i bought liquid silk and these. my weekend companion said they were the best underwear he has EVER seen and most favourite underwear he’s ever seen. ever.

someone likes it rough.

yowzers.

mine.

priceless.

ok brosephs thanks for staring. if you want me to come along for comedic relief with your gaggle of slutty friends to a workshop someday i am more than game. if you don’t need me, and you don’t, then go try one of the other workshops, there’s many to choose from. i can only imagine what it would be like to sit in with the cougs for a workshop. i would die. absolutely die. also, don’t forget you have all of february to use your RAYMI15 discount on any and all merchandise for sale in the store, we all know how expensive sex toys are across the board so this is a really sweet hook-up. let me know if you buy anything so i can add it to my future bragging list (you know i will) that i’ll one day drunkenly use to my advantage whilst networking with someone i am trying to convince to advertise on my blog or sleep with. same thing pretty much ahahhaa.

you can follow GOOD FOR HER on twitter and like it on facebook.

good for her was founded in 1997 and i know they’re the real deal amazing because in 2000, the same time i started my blog, i was interning at a quarterly women’s magazine and GFH placed an ad in every issue and i was always mesmerized by this cult-like seeming body of women in our city and they inspired and empowered me to BE raymi the minx on those messageboards and be proud of this brazen big mouth ray of sunshine that i am and passing GFH on harbord there’s just this cosmic hippie annex-type of energy the structure emits, it is special and it is good and carlyle does a lot of good for people and i think that’s a solid and should be applauded. she’s in a league with sue johanson absolutely. anyway, that’s my little personal gfh-related anecdote not to be all feminist lesbo about it (actually, FULLY to be femilezi about it). ps. carlyle called it good for her to avoid the whole WOMYN/WOMEN fiasco that feminists started. i asked if it was for when a chick snaps one out really good someone points and says GOOD FOR HER! carlyle was like um, no. what can i say, all me all the time.

MISSED YOU GUYS HELLO MONDAY!

the inside scoop pose as well as new kids on the block cold lampin’ it.

this is what we call me time.

these are perfect housewife dish gloves i will buy britt a pair. my brain was overwhelmed by blue banana it was like shopping inside my brain. mecca. i am bringing my niece here.

almost bought one of these for adventurehouse though would probably hang way too low in the hallway and i’d want pink and they might not like me turning this place into a hello kitty palace.

this class was amazing and i said a lot of TMI about my man game just to hear myself talk. carlyle is a new role model for me, what an inspiration.

the underwear i bought received approval. butt cleave to the max. if you go to good for her to buy yourself a toy or anything really, books, so many goodies to choose from via my RAYMI15 coupon code you get a 15% discount. that post is coming up tomorrow and i cannot wait to go through the photos. monday sex toy read how nice am i for getting you off? i booked it out of there as fast as i could i was um, do my homework.

heaven. i can’t wait to one day have my own little house.

britt you get the blue magnet.

haha not ready for it yet.

gah overload!! pink pink everywhere yes.

getting ready for dinner. didn’t wear that in the end.

sigh.

i can only imagine the geniosity behind this weed message. fucking irony at its worst much?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5401672233/in/photostream/

ears pierced. white gold guy. little girls were laughing at me in claire’s. i was clutching the bear and sweating profusely. melodie said aw you’re a grown up now. yes, yes i am.

amsterdamy. i need a european boyfriend to fly me to his weird little village.

good view. hard rock blew it by not having their upstairs open. this place got our patronage instead.

went to marche. they have lovely little rooms.

weekend warrior outfit.

haven’t worn this guy in awhile.

brb.

we begin at boom where all the fun shit goes down. these are my mom’s photos i’ll do the pro ones in my next post.

and these are scattered too. one is neither more or less important than the other no matter how skinny and cute i look in most. my mom looks like a little kid eh, that’s my thumper vest. it was a hit last night. thumper deked through the urban forest posing as prey, never slayed. oh man this is gonna be one of those posts i can already tell. i hope my computer doesn’t heat up and die before i’m through.

we held it down at the keg. i snagged an optimum spot dead center of the bar. then the place filled up. we held court. i might repeat that we held court many more times so sorry in advance. that’s my new diamond necklace. i go through so many so fast. my secret spot is shoppers. yep. i think i’m going to splurge on a new swarovski hello kitty necklace. why the fuck not right? exactly.

from left to right, lois, sylvia, tracey. the placement of the po po cruiser is amusing to me. guess how many hooker jokes i made last night about those two white coats. ten.

washing my hands often. server rule. i admitted to picking my nose a lot so it’s a good rule. deadpan face. we’ll see how funny it is on tv.

this picture is amazing. the cougs came by convoy. how awesome. the coug council decided that it’s going to do this once a month. let that be rule. bangs gavel.

i knew my mom would take a photo of these. we have the same taste. she loves all of boom’s decor. she’s a secret martha stewart home decorating nerd. don’t get me started on being dragged to the design center or home show, marilyn dennis on round the clock even went to a taping of the show when i was really young. she made me ask a question on tv and they aired it and we have it on tape i always started crying and ran away shyly to my room when they’d put it on the vcr at home noooooooooooo! i have never been able to sit through my valedictorian speech either i fumed in the basement of cedar grove with my fingers jammed in my ears while the entire family viewed it in the tv room. some celebrities cannot stand seeing themselves on film, not saying i am a celebrity but i kind of fully get why i might make you cringe.

haitham aka coug prey oh man was he ever a hit. this one regular boom custie slut named gloria (who’s like 80?) was all about him. you’ll see pics of her later she is an awesome woman and obviously i am joking about the slut thing but she did front like she was a player back in the day. we got her ripped on a mimosa with us and then she emailed me by the time she got home and we were out man cruising. gloria you are amazing and i hope i bump into you again soon.

i look like a tired pastry chef.

cheers chicks. see there’s gloria on the end there. every time we ambush boom and film cook it all the custmers become exceptionally curious, get in on it, or shyly watch me.

glad to know i’m not the only person going crazy right now.

lois had the threesome. i said it was too early for dick. posh said it’s eleven somewhere. i laughed. then i laughed like hell and we huddled cackling together. man yesterday was so fucking fun.

i look like a snooty bitch. good. i’m doing my nails too to push it over the edge.

how sad is it to be jealous of an egg that you will never be more ladylike than?

i accidentally referred to steve as sideshow bob in an email exchange, well it was intentional, the accidental part was forwarding that exchange to him and probably re-mentioning it now. he was cool about it and forever signs his emails as sideshow bob. we did a lot of talk before in the past for his weekend pictures thesis or whatever that was. you can see me calm cool and collecticated (and smart) on those blast from the past vids shot at green room and i have black hair.

he also has three hours of my blythe tattoo footage. we’re filming on a barter system. every time i need him for something i will then owe him 24 hours access of filming me. raymi documentary. yah guy.

see i told you i was skinny. sorry what’s that? can’t hear you over the skinny.

my mom looks like hailey. why are you making that dumb face?

christine dropped in. lured into our coug den. she saw my mom and i interacting before she left and i was like THIS is the reality show and she goes it really fucking is, i see that. what were we even arguing about? oh i told her not to fucking tell me how to pick up men. mom ruined my game numerous times last night. those guys went PHOTO BOMB behind my head and i was like, ok fine it’s still ok to say that but pretty close to being dead.

calling cards. without a phone number. if you want me to call you you have to email me first. fax my typewriter.

my mom told me to do this. um, good vision?

what’s a cougar without its prey? like an unlit candle yes? good work haitham.

the nonnas and nonnos’ eyes were big at the site of us.

here i am telling posh that yes i will be cooking her brunch she was a hard-sell on that one so i hit her where it hurts, wallet. if i don’t cook then you’re paying for your lunch.

i am deeming lois my official godmother. no take backs.

i’m pissed off about something here. my stupid fucking blackberry. text me how to get my email icon back i’d say email me the instructions but then i wouldn’t be able to open the email. also hilarious if i lost my email icon last nite. here is my card, you can’t call me nor is emailing me going to help. so old school. i stopped existing. also my laptop DID overheat and died on me. i was fuming. so i took a bath.

holy shit i look like my dad. he has the vacant emo smug above it look in all his highschool photos. cool surfer stoner vibe. uh dude what, you talking to me? go easy.

secret pinners. of course. that gives you a reason to do the circuit you have to plan and time it. a science.

muffy (standing by lois) is the best. also she and lois look like twins. muffy had a mimosa with us. girl bond to the max.

see that ham? i put it on the grill. CULINARY PRESIDENT OF FOOD.

this is what not drinking looks like. family events don’t count. canceled out.

dudes were gawking these all over and memorizing/mental noting/typing the url into their blackberries.

i was too hyper and impatient to bother going down to the bathroom to look in the mirror to get my apron tv-ready so i got posh the perfectionist to dress me while my nails dried. it takes a village to raise a raymi.

i guess i coulda been a model eh. i photograph tall. good one mom. this one guy at astors thought we were all gold diggers. fyi these chicks are all independently wealthy but anyway as my mom and i were up at the bar and i was arguing with her about how ADD she is this guy goes uh oh the russian gold diggers are here ahahah as we were all swathed in furs and glitz. those guys were yanks and they joined our gaggle, in withdrawal of chatty social butterfly good time types.

karly tweeted that she eye-spied raymi i would have retweeted it but my stupid blackberry dilemma. it was also kind of nice to have a break from that a bit but uberly more frustrating to not be able to text back properly and 24 hours of it is actually totally having an affect on how i write here argggh. not posting the photo of us cos i look stupid in it. we’ll have a do-over.

oh my god look how many accessories i have on i am so, i don’t even know, what am i? i am inventing a new look here. it’s called miami beach nana.

planned photo pose by the fire so we could talk to these dudes. mission accomplished. here is how the play went down. things happen very quickly in meat market bar pick up world you have to be very impulsive before you lose your nards. i go out for a toke and see my target(s) go back to wing girl one and wing girl two, mom and lois, i say to lois ok grab some of my cards i don’t have pockets we’re taking a photo by the fire, mom, you follow us (already waiting camera-in tow) we single file two chevron spaced apart me leading, i let lois by-pass and whisper to my mom to pose with me and give lois the camera. it was seamless. immediately the men offer to take a photo of the three of us, the one you are looking at above and then the conversation flows. they all get my card and while that play is going down another one is in the making because there’s a cluster of other men i need to infiltrate. i do and thanks for the drink boys we’ll talk. ps. yes i look like a total penis in this photo.

there’s always a few latch key dudes but that’s cool cos they hover your stuff and babysit it while you get hit on by other hotter men and then they take photos of you which attracts the other men. this is all very orchestrated and very much so intentional. one duo of men in particular were watching it all go down, could not at all accept that my mom was my mom and then pretended to have seen me at some speed dating event. no you did not. most of all he was beguiled by why all of us were even there i started to explain boom and how these girls go out together all the time and then i just simply said fuck it we are here doing the exact same thing all you men are doing except we’re more organized about it. he was struck dumb and impressed. i said we’re beating you at your game and he nodded, in thorough agreement. we killed last night. then we went to jack astors and then the library bar at the royal york. next month i vote jack astors first then maybe ki.

ha ha. my mom said she watched the kardashians for the first time the other night and said if it wasn’t for these two dudes fighting on it the show is boring. we are way more interesting. but they have more money mom.

mom this is the gayest effect what the hell is this coronation street? speaking of happy birthday nana i love you!

i bbm’d this to my mom’s friend there is no chance he’d think it was her she would have spelled it all wrong. it’s a quote from devil’s advocate, pacino says it to keanu in the end. this guy is asking about her recent past being sickness. as if he cares he just wants to know what the girls are up to.

check my pipes. arms are shrinking.

some farrah heads from the other night at parts n labour.

i thought they were kens with wigs.

i wore a very open shirt.

it really filled up there behind me. a hobo was beside my date.

very adventure in babysitting.

me this morning. i am an in shape type of person now hey. what joyous rapture. go motion room.

ok time to beautify. we’re going to good for her in a couple hours for a sex toy workshop i have many ladies on board i feel like kristi of the babysitters club except i hated her the most cos she was a jock bossy nerd. these are my sex toy posse ladies: tara melodie britt casie alicia christine beverly me. i hope i get a good toy for the road.

+++

unsolicited advice award of the day goes to nathaniel anderson:

Hi Raymi,

The secret to your personal well being lies in becoming a nerd. The people you hang with are too cool and it is hurting you on a deep level. I can see it in your eyes.

Love to you.

my reply is as follows

No they aren’t I’m cooler.

welcome to the big leagues.

enough dick’n around i have to get a boom apropes outfit together that will also be queen bee alpha bait. i’m sure i’ll come up with a good one. come by or send someone my way today 808 COLLEGE STREET 2PM and see me do my thing. i might be less in the kitchen today so i can gab with the girls more. i am so excited to see them i haven’t gone out their way in too long (like two weeks? i am a baby) and i like that they’re coming to my turf. my mom already broadcasted on facebook that her outfit was boots and jeans. um, right. we’re filming again today so if you want your face involved for your own selfish-promotional purposes i will gladly share the stage with you. then thundersteal it back. as always.

i also am stupendously irritated by my blackberry biting the dust. when one thing goes wrong, everything does. if i type u a message missing ‘e’ all over it please try to be a good message decoder, also, don’t make fun of how i am writing to you like a shakespearean asshole, instead of saying ME i have to say I AM. so in lieu of “come to me” or something i have to say “i am coming, to you i am”. you’re like uhhh what? exactly. i can’t type the word email or email me. (throws phone into sun).

oh and ps. nella bella sample sale tomorrow!

sorry (not sorry) to brag but look how young i looked last night it’s like my blackberry had beer goggles or something. nah it’s definitely one thousand per cent having to do with the cake makeup i layered on for my audition. i had a late night the evening prior, like a normal responsible human being would the eve of something important involving being on camera. the second i make a serious commitment and pencil it in my brain along with that goes i am so getting gonged the day before february whatever day it is i have that important thing to do. another interesting phenomenon is the night before a flight it’s like your friends have to take you out to get polluted i have been hearing hilarious hangover airport stories for over a decade (i started young) and they never fail to delight me. maybe i’ll tell some now.

yesterday i was a disaster but i looked amazing. i wore two different skinny day dresses and zero underwear. i bought that red dress over summer and only ever wore it in the changing room the day i bought it and only posted one photo of it because i could only contort my body just so in the mirror. i bought that courtney love dress the same day too, which is incredible for concealing everything. melodie wore this red dress out the night of pride because her figure is perfect. ok back on track here, white, focus. i was only a disaster yesterday because i had fifteen hundred cups of coffee and i was jacked on audition adrenaline. i think i must have mentioned that i had an audition yesterday an equal amount of times. must of. did you know that i had an audition yesterday? that’s right, i did. yesterday, i had an audition. fact.

this makes me want to puke right now. those on the right are jerusalem artichokes, uh what? my only experience with artichokes are the times we nuked one and melted butter for dipping and they were totally not gigantic like these, each sliver of the artichoke was paper thin. sometimes we’d forget about the artichoke entirely as it was to be an appetizer to our main course, we’d just eat our food then discover the artichoke in the microwave (nuke it in a bowl of water). that happened twice in brooklyn and once in maine and then we stopped eating artichokes. on the left is cabbage of which i have epic gas from. that’s something my mom would say. mom am i turning into you? be honest.

these are so nice.

kind of like how i used to do background fades of my canvases before drawing fallen celebrities over top. i should do another art show. i should do a lot of things. i am beside myself with stress at the moment doing many different things already i don’t know how i do it i really don’t thank you for asking.

i had two salads i was serious about my no more fucking around with rich gourmet bullshit. the world isn’t kind to fat girls. clem said that. clem is awesome. he told chels and i on multiple occasions how fat we were getting. it didn’t hurt my feelings at all. i wonder how fat chels is now. oh whatever she deserves it and she knows why. we’re good. see you in clem’s hot tub.

alright back to getting wasted two hours before a flight. i’m already over talking about that. i went to starbucks after my audition for a tea and a snack because i had had too much coffee and then i got my tea and a snack and then the barista gave me a free caramel mochiato because no one came to claim it (how clued out does one have to be to do a genius move like that?) so i of course took it and drank that along with my tea, that also had caffeine in it. chai tea latte which when i order i say tai chi latte and the girl said everyone says that. the audition people said for me to be myself and i took that to mean the myself that is gunned on 4 americanos and mildly-stoned. we’ll see if i get a callback. listen, to “be raymi” it often times requires a push. i am a nervous neurotic shy wreck. casie and i are total cases from what we do. it’s worse than being an actor. you have to be on and brave and confident. it’s terrible. james, my trainer, asked me today why i wanted to go to burlington on saturday instead of working out again. i need burnoutington. i gave him the diva response to piss him off, because i am a princess daddy’s girl and i made a stupid smirk face. i haven’t seen my dad in weeks. i feel like an island that floated away. oh that’s a nicer title than the one i have i’m changing it to that.

you can see the tone and my physique somewhat and my torso isn’t streamlined as it could look because of my pantyhose so i’m actually more trim than this. ok that was uber neurotic. why is uber underlined by spell check, is it not a word? it’s a foreign word yes?

campari something on the left, blazing apples on right. blazing apples is so good. i also had my favourite gin fizz drink. i told james i got drunk last nite. i down played it big time. i went in there prepared for a fight about it and so not going to take it. i think i earned this hangover thank you very much i am working like a goddamn dog and i want a fucking break but no, that can’t happen and also i self-sabotage by going out constantly on dates because i am hyper and can’t sit still. i can be alone for hours but then i get needy. i am totally a co-dependent type living as an independent, i’m going against the grain. look at the results.

that’s haitham. we’ve been buds for two years. he was a chum last nite. also he is kind of a mess like me so we relate to one another. i tried really hard to pose as a depressed loser and no one would have any of it at the bar. thanks guys. i also bumped into the owner of that pub i drank at and wrote steph’s letter at while waiting for superjew (who by the way everyone thought at the pub was not a nice seeming guy the pub owner told me last nite, who i’ll call shaft because i forget his name and he looked like shaft when i first saw him) to meet me. ok why am i talking about this again where am i.

i will never tire of looking at that thing.

seriously right.

pulled out old goldy bracelet cos my date from two nights ago said my other bracelets looked like a stack of kid’s 25 cent bracelets or something hahhaha. i said fuck you my mom bought me these. that guy was fun and hilarious and brought me a huge bottle of gin cos he works with a billion different booze brands. i am going to try and turn that piece of fish date into a piece of fi$h blogortunity. we had a lot of party events stories in common. i said can you imagine if we dated, i think we might die. guy high rolls it in champagne france on business for example.

oh just some bottle of nearly worth five hundred dollars wine. n-o biggie. by this point i had the wicked spins.

oh look it’s a piece of the berlin wall representing however many years of oppression, wha-tever.

adventurehouse neighbour’s offering. i wished i got a picture of this one beautiful adventurehouse offering i made us in an american eagle outfitters brown paper bag of various empties. i wished i had the time and patience to watch out the front window the look on the bum’s face upon discovering it. sometimes i am so generous. here you go buddy take it to the booze store to get some more for ya tell ‘em i say hey.

i am so pickled right now i am not drinking for awhile. i didn’t eat enough yesterday to justify the amount i drank like, at all. i just burped and it felt great. i feel great. great. yesterday we picked up tapes and batteries at vistek. i could have picked up this one guy on my way out if i wanted but i was with my colleague so i felt it wouldn’t have been appropriate also he totally would have ruined my game i would have been forced to be like go outside now please raymi has work to do. the dude was so hot too and a ups delivery man. i hate myself.

melodie made this excruciatingly detailed floor plan of adventurehouse and cheese boutique is going to make us a platter based on it. how cool is that. you can see my little nest at the very bottom and my big princess bed. don’t you feel like hugging me right now looking at that darling little room also i want this coloured in and back so i can frame it it’s so royal tenenbaums dvd insert and that movie is the best. check out our snakey adventure hallway. colleague bought a new camera we’re going to film a cribs episode of adventurehouse i hope lucas jumps out of a cupboard or something. maybe i’ll rig a bunch of crap to spill out of one of the closets. see, we live in a parkdale mansion. see, we are the best. today’s internet personae is called i am drunk still.

tomorrow we’re doing another cray cray boom brekfeast takeover raymi cooking show slash another coug bites the dust party PLEASE COME. my mom and all her posse are coming into town at 2pm the college street location 808 college street just east of ossington you should skip out of work or take a later longer lunch or maybe take the entire day off cos afterward we’re going out on the town where i will “not be drinking” and if you want to be a nerdy shy fly on the wall then that is totally fine as well but if you request me to make your food it’s free on top of the raymi D list that’s always extended to you at any and all boom locations. just tell someone that it exists and they’ll get 13% off their bill. you’re welcome. i bet my mom is going to look super hot and be all shy. i like how she acts all not shy and big and smart on my blog but then at my events she’s bashful and ladylike and demure but then two glasses of wine later we’re kardashianing all over the place. nightmare.

one time, i could have murdered her. i was hired to be the slutty ms. claus at the andy kim holiday party at the mod club. i invite my mom. she gets wasters. she retells this story a billion times. the bartender poured her a glass of wine to the top she thinks it’s cos she’s so hot or something (mom they do that for me all the time get over yourself) and it’s my duty to wander around and be a slutty christmas thing and at the end hand out rolled up posters of andy kim to fans (my mom kissed andy kim too there’s a photo of it. the guy is more orange than me) and so my wasted mother is bopping me on the head with a rolled up poster while i’m smiling and BEING PROFESSIONAL sending people off like a good little hostess should meanwhile my mom is bleating yaaaaaaaaaak at me like jim carrey in ace ventura pet detective on the plane to the dude sitting next to him and i’m swearing at my mother to fuck off and get lost under my breath, whisper hissing full on but she just won’t stop and her useless fucking date at the time won’t even drag her away i’m like dude get her out of here now then she pokes me in the eyeball with a pointy part of her poster megaphone and my eye instantly goes bloodshot tears up all over my face and in insurmountable pain. she stabbed my eye and now i am sooooo angry and she just bursts into violent giggle fits of laughter and practically pisses herself all in front of every single person exiting the venue. suffice it to say they never hired me back even though i still have the santa slut suit that they paid for and the holiday party happens every single year. thank you mom! anyway this entire scenario will likely be repeated tomorrow afternoon so please do come it will make this video look like a nap in the park.

Raymi’s Blogger Brunch from Josh Harrower on Vimeo.

ok i just ran out of steam and elyse is coming over to get baked and watch me tidy my tickle trunk room.

you don’t have to go home but you have to get the hell out of here.

see ya.

ready for re-energizer boot camp? too bad if not you feeble little wimps, it’s go time.

hilarious.

is one to post a photo like this or not?

doing the ladder with both feet in these little boxes like a hyper spazz assembly line and really works your core. joseph demonstrates and we all follow until we’re on the cusp of blacking out. results!

jump in jump out jump in jump out.

not at all collapsed, totally listening for oncoming trains.

i’m super angry right now. i did this entire post this morning but the server conked out and i lost the draft. i am trying to conjure up a lightning bolt to strike into the earth i am that kind of pissed off. two days now my blog has suffered by the hands of the server’s attack. i think i must be pre-pre-menstrual or all the go go go is getting to me finally as i will snap at you no problem just give me a reason.

i just want to go to burnoutington and escape winter.

i started off with pigtails. i had a vision.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5386038758/in/photostream/

i look like a soldier candlestick.

notice how britt is just looking down upon me judgmentally not helping me in my stir-up navigation plight at all? good friend.

no it’s good i’m fine all set here.

push up position, then you waggle your legs, it works your abs/core. some cheaters rested on their arms in true plank formation. it is difficult either way. third time doing this station i was spent.

this is called exercise, not torture. i never forget that douglas coupland quote from generation x about how in the future when people rediscover the planet after armageddon they’ll come upon gym equipment and assume we were a species obsessed with torture.

this was my first station i got to demonstrate after joseph.

it’s not simple. when i started at tmr i doubt i’d be able to kill it like i did here.

wall squats. simplest for me.

four chicks rippin’er simultaneously in this shot.

please remind me to measure my legs tomorrow. it’s vital.

mel gets some special treatment.

while mrs. tmr does ball sand explosion squats.

i’m going zen.

talkin’ big game.

i am a swan, a graceful swan.

are you not allowed to boast ever? humble pie gets you nowhere.

the guy doing this against the wall was screaming in agony.

that’s not even my water. i will rape pillage and steal anything to come out on top.

i was also wicked at this. if i’m doing something and it gets tough i just breath calmly and stretch flex whatever i need to evenly distribute the weight throughout my body so that i’m not using mostly my arms or legs.

i thought that headband wrapped around my wrist would look cool in photos. also it might wipe some sweat off. more than anything it just constricted my circulation.

requesting disco here. britt and i were sore from michael jackson experience on wii.

what’s the matter there deary?

oh nothing. casie is very good at push ups and such. she’s built.

sort of fun, sort of challenging. avoid the person before you’s sweat drippings. a labyrinth obstacle course.

the legs in the stir-ups are humourous to me.

i want to trip someone (my brother) into these foot hurdles. possible (definite) repercussions will be worth it.

michael jackson messiah complex. awesome.

around the world lunges. that blond girl is doing the plank version of the move i was doing. cheating.

by the time i got to this one, the last one before my stir-ups i was so done.

so i did my own kind of thing. i worked out the day before too. four day work out week. animal. also, i look good dressed as a ball.

perfect nails shannon. nice rock.

my addicted little cuties.

mel has amazing form.

sweat booby trap.

i hated this one the most and cheated the most on it but during my last go i tried really hard and pushed myself to impress whoever might be looking. zero people were looking.

see his face? this is the place to be pushed.

ha ha so over it. that shit was hard. i think she’s really focusing.

why are your shoes off casie? haha.

i had a funny segue about how i tucker max’d a bunch of hippies on satruday night i can’t remember how i worked it in before but anyway here is a little unrelated anecdote you can feast your brain on when you’re done staring at my ass.

even if you placed just one behind someone’s heel. that’s all it takes. then it just wobbles back and forth like a hammock. why it’s so funny to me i dunno.

after stretch.

work it girls and other gay motivational things. if you want to try this RE-Energizer Boot Camp there is on offer 5-6 slots open to fill, first come first serve. *Recommended that participants live in or relatively convenient location to the Junction though not necessary.

Boot camp sessions are as follows:

6AM (Before Work)
LunchTime (12noon)
Afternoons (4pm)
Late evenings (8pm or pre-arranged scheduling like we did)

there is a distinction between Re-Energizer Boot Camp and Starter Packages. you do boot camp a couple times to see how you like it then you can transition into your starter package.

like with britt her freebie now moves into assessment (free) for her to determine what package would best work for her as a fitness program.

Program customization is too long to list and it’s tailored to each individual. everyone is different and reacts differently to exercise, building, some have more fat, or less to lose, you get the idea.

all classes are designed to stay within age appropriate heart rate (HR) zones so it’s recommended that participants wear monitors so they can follow their performance and maintain throughout the session. i wear one.

everyone i’ve brought here is addicted to it now and the motion room has helped motivate us all to turn back time and get fit yesterday.

nothing i do is stupid.

definitely going to film a few fitness videos soon.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5385579043/in/photostream/

cuddle incoming!

amazing.

tarek is giving me another gym bag for my niece. he has more bags for me too can’t wait can’t wait.

ok i’m going to do my food journal now. i’ve missed a few days.

The Motion Room
3431 Dundas St. W. Suite 200
647 351 8671
Email: info@themotionroom.ca

yesterday at dinner we pretended it was my birthday. my 28th birthday. i kept trying to say 22nd birthday. got a couple shots out of it. it pre-bummed me out. i have over two months to go and i’m hanging on by a thread. i must make it to 28 i will not be a 27 club casualty.

this is going to be fun. lucas tweeted “cos we were tired of cleaning up after people” haha who is this “we” lucas? as if you ever clean.

here are some photos of the last time i will ever eat pasta and have photographic evidence of it.

first i need hot sauce.

they bring me their mashed up jalapeno peppers. oh man i want some of that right meow.

haha look how judgy i am. their pasta is the best and that kid went to tuscany and came back to show everyone what he learned. romagna mia sponsors george brown students too, the over flow of students in whatever course get to cook in the kitchen here. soon romagna mia will be renovating and changing everything.

i tried not to eat too much of this, this, whatever it was. every time i say something ignorant regarding food on my blog the pleasure and satisfaction of frustrated foodie geeks the city over glaring into their monitors is endless.

less talking guys i’m not listening anyway. this was a loooooong day.

that pasta was ridiculous. it looked like yellow beans like green beans, green giant green beans, except yellow. hello is this thing on, brain?

they kept impressing and impressing. i just couldn’t eat anymore. i just need one mega-hot kind of overweight husband. that’s all really.

i would put that entire thing in my mouth right now if it was sitting before me. are vaginal references necessary? yes. always.

who’s that with me now?

hmmm….

mmmmmmmmmmmm.

i feel like cooking now.

beautiful.

it’s tarek. i love him. he is to the point, doesn’t take any shit, looks out for me, gives great nurturing supportive advice. totally has my back. major role model for me.

dudes get ready.

brb.