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inaug coug crawl 2011

we begin at boom where all the fun shit goes down. these are my mom’s photos i’ll do the pro ones in my next post.

and these are scattered too. one is neither more or less important than the other no matter how skinny and cute i look in most. my mom looks like a little kid eh, that’s my thumper vest. it was a hit last night. thumper deked through the urban forest posing as prey, never slayed. oh man this is gonna be one of those posts i can already tell. i hope my computer doesn’t heat up and die before i’m through.

we held it down at the keg. i snagged an optimum spot dead center of the bar. then the place filled up. we held court. i might repeat that we held court many more times so sorry in advance. that’s my new diamond necklace. i go through so many so fast. my secret spot is shoppers. yep. i think i’m going to splurge on a new swarovski hello kitty necklace. why the fuck not right? exactly.

from left to right, lois, sylvia, tracey. the placement of the po po cruiser is amusing to me. guess how many hooker jokes i made last night about those two white coats. ten.

washing my hands often. server rule. i admitted to picking my nose a lot so it’s a good rule. deadpan face. we’ll see how funny it is on tv.

this picture is amazing. the cougs came by convoy. how awesome. the coug council decided that it’s going to do this once a month. let that be rule. bangs gavel.

i knew my mom would take a photo of these. we have the same taste. she loves all of boom’s decor. she’s a secret martha stewart home decorating nerd. don’t get me started on being dragged to the design center or home show, marilyn dennis on round the clock even went to a taping of the show when i was really young. she made me ask a question on tv and they aired it and we have it on tape i always started crying and ran away shyly to my room when they’d put it on the vcr at home noooooooooooo! i have never been able to sit through my valedictorian speech either i fumed in the basement of cedar grove with my fingers jammed in my ears while the entire family viewed it in the tv room. some celebrities cannot stand seeing themselves on film, not saying i am a celebrity but i kind of fully get why i might make you cringe.

haitham aka coug prey oh man was he ever a hit. this one regular boom custie slut named gloria (who’s like 80?) was all about him. you’ll see pics of her later she is an awesome woman and obviously i am joking about the slut thing but she did front like she was a player back in the day. we got her ripped on a mimosa with us and then she emailed me by the time she got home and we were out man cruising. gloria you are amazing and i hope i bump into you again soon.

i look like a tired pastry chef.

cheers chicks. see there’s gloria on the end there. every time we ambush boom and film cook it all the custmers become exceptionally curious, get in on it, or shyly watch me.

glad to know i’m not the only person going crazy right now.

lois had the threesome. i said it was too early for dick. posh said it’s eleven somewhere. i laughed. then i laughed like hell and we huddled cackling together. man yesterday was so fucking fun.

i look like a snooty bitch. good. i’m doing my nails too to push it over the edge.

how sad is it to be jealous of an egg that you will never be more ladylike than?

i accidentally referred to steve as sideshow bob in an email exchange, well it was intentional, the accidental part was forwarding that exchange to him and probably re-mentioning it now. he was cool about it and forever signs his emails as sideshow bob. we did a lot of talk before in the past for his weekend pictures thesis or whatever that was. you can see me calm cool and collecticated (and smart) on those blast from the past vids shot at green room and i have black hair.

he also has three hours of my blythe tattoo footage. we’re filming on a barter system. every time i need him for something i will then owe him 24 hours access of filming me. raymi documentary. yah guy.

see i told you i was skinny. sorry what’s that? can’t hear you over the skinny.

my mom looks like hailey. why are you making that dumb face?

christine dropped in. lured into our coug den. she saw my mom and i interacting before she left and i was like THIS is the reality show and she goes it really fucking is, i see that. what were we even arguing about? oh i told her not to fucking tell me how to pick up men. mom ruined my game numerous times last night. those guys went PHOTO BOMB behind my head and i was like, ok fine it’s still ok to say that but pretty close to being dead.

calling cards. without a phone number. if you want me to call you you have to email me first. fax my typewriter.

my mom told me to do this. um, good vision?

what’s a cougar without its prey? like an unlit candle yes? good work haitham.

the nonnas and nonnos’ eyes were big at the site of us.

here i am telling posh that yes i will be cooking her brunch she was a hard-sell on that one so i hit her where it hurts, wallet. if i don’t cook then you’re paying for your lunch.

i am deeming lois my official godmother. no take backs.

i’m pissed off about something here. my stupid fucking blackberry. text me how to get my email icon back i’d say email me the instructions but then i wouldn’t be able to open the email. also hilarious if i lost my email icon last nite. here is my card, you can’t call me nor is emailing me going to help. so old school. i stopped existing. also my laptop DID overheat and died on me. i was fuming. so i took a bath.

holy shit i look like my dad. he has the vacant emo smug above it look in all his highschool photos. cool surfer stoner vibe. uh dude what, you talking to me? go easy.

secret pinners. of course. that gives you a reason to do the circuit you have to plan and time it. a science.

muffy (standing by lois) is the best. also she and lois look like twins. muffy had a mimosa with us. girl bond to the max.

see that ham? i put it on the grill. CULINARY PRESIDENT OF FOOD.

this is what not drinking looks like. family events don’t count. canceled out.

dudes were gawking these all over and memorizing/mental noting/typing the url into their blackberries.

i was too hyper and impatient to bother going down to the bathroom to look in the mirror to get my apron tv-ready so i got posh the perfectionist to dress me while my nails dried. it takes a village to raise a raymi.

i guess i coulda been a model eh. i photograph tall. good one mom. this one guy at astors thought we were all gold diggers. fyi these chicks are all independently wealthy but anyway as my mom and i were up at the bar and i was arguing with her about how ADD she is this guy goes uh oh the russian gold diggers are here ahahah as we were all swathed in furs and glitz. those guys were yanks and they joined our gaggle, in withdrawal of chatty social butterfly good time types.

karly tweeted that she eye-spied raymi i would have retweeted it but my stupid blackberry dilemma. it was also kind of nice to have a break from that a bit but uberly more frustrating to not be able to text back properly and 24 hours of it is actually totally having an affect on how i write here argggh. not posting the photo of us cos i look stupid in it. we’ll have a do-over.

oh my god look how many accessories i have on i am so, i don’t even know, what am i? i am inventing a new look here. it’s called miami beach nana.

planned photo pose by the fire so we could talk to these dudes. mission accomplished. here is how the play went down. things happen very quickly in meat market bar pick up world you have to be very impulsive before you lose your nards. i go out for a toke and see my target(s) go back to wing girl one and wing girl two, mom and lois, i say to lois ok grab some of my cards i don’t have pockets we’re taking a photo by the fire, mom, you follow us (already waiting camera-in tow) we single file two chevron spaced apart me leading, i let lois by-pass and whisper to my mom to pose with me and give lois the camera. it was seamless. immediately the men offer to take a photo of the three of us, the one you are looking at above and then the conversation flows. they all get my card and while that play is going down another one is in the making because there’s a cluster of other men i need to infiltrate. i do and thanks for the drink boys we’ll talk. ps. yes i look like a total penis in this photo.

there’s always a few latch key dudes but that’s cool cos they hover your stuff and babysit it while you get hit on by other hotter men and then they take photos of you which attracts the other men. this is all very orchestrated and very much so intentional. one duo of men in particular were watching it all go down, could not at all accept that my mom was my mom and then pretended to have seen me at some speed dating event. no you did not. most of all he was beguiled by why all of us were even there i started to explain boom and how these girls go out together all the time and then i just simply said fuck it we are here doing the exact same thing all you men are doing except we’re more organized about it. he was struck dumb and impressed. i said we’re beating you at your game and he nodded, in thorough agreement. we killed last night. then we went to jack astors and then the library bar at the royal york. next month i vote jack astors first then maybe ki.

ha ha. my mom said she watched the kardashians for the first time the other night and said if it wasn’t for these two dudes fighting on it the show is boring. we are way more interesting. but they have more money mom.

mom this is the gayest effect what the hell is this coronation street? speaking of happy birthday nana i love you!

i bbm’d this to my mom’s friend there is no chance he’d think it was her she would have spelled it all wrong. it’s a quote from devil’s advocate, pacino says it to keanu in the end. this guy is asking about her recent past being sickness. as if he cares he just wants to know what the girls are up to.

check my pipes. arms are shrinking.

some farrah heads from the other night at parts n labour.

i thought they were kens with wigs.

i wore a very open shirt.

it really filled up there behind me. a hobo was beside my date.

very adventure in babysitting.

me this morning. i am an in shape type of person now hey. what joyous rapture. go motion room.

ok time to beautify. we’re going to good for her in a couple hours for a sex toy workshop i have many ladies on board i feel like kristi of the babysitters club except i hated her the most cos she was a jock bossy nerd. these are my sex toy posse ladies: tara melodie britt casie alicia christine beverly me. i hope i get a good toy for the road.


unsolicited advice award of the day goes to nathaniel anderson:

Hi Raymi,

The secret to your personal well being lies in becoming a nerd. The people you hang with are too cool and it is hurting you on a deep level. I can see it in your eyes.

Love to you.

my reply is as follows

No they aren’t I’m cooler.

welcome to the big leagues.

13 thoughts on “inaug coug crawl 2011

  1. We had to bring some class to the Royal York.
    I was shocked when you walked in exclaiming that one of the bar dudes had just showed you his tattoo on his bum.
    Even worse, it read, No exit.

  2. Goddess Raymi:
    Excellent blog, very entertaining, looked like a great evening had by all! So glad You, friends and mom had a very wonderful evening. Keep up the outstanding work.

  3. I love your boom posts, they remind me of when I was working in the kitchen at Cora’s and how much fun we’d have. I had work moms that would help me do up my cook’s jacket because I’d always get the buttons in the wrong wholes and we’d swear in french because the boss hated our filthy english swearing. oh hard work and good times. your food looks tasty.

  4. “how sad is it to be jealous of an egg that you will never be more ladylike than?”

    lol that is awesome..

  5. Hey Raymi, nice post! Looks like you guys had a fun time. I find it inspirational actually. I am inspired to stop wallowing around in my months-long ennui, eating fatty food and never doing anything nice with my hair. Since I got hitched and left home and country and I don’t really have any of my own friends and I had to give up the stage indefinitely, I was hoping that I still, at least was sexy as hell. Unfortunately, when you’re married, the young fellas in Ireland treat you like the only other married woman they know – their ma.
    Not anymore! Because I want to be like your ma and her friends.

    I still love ya, you know? I’m just the worst at keeping in touch and I hardly get the time alone anymore.

    Russian gold-diggers? Those guys are totally racist. I’m calling the racism police right now.

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