needs more title

sort of blogged these before sort of didn’t. mel and i were looking through my photos not too long ago and came across this folder and she said they were awesome pictures why didn’t i blog them all? after looking through your personal archives and time passes you forget things. so if you’ve seen scraps of these before or i repeat myself, sorry.

here i am doing what i do best GOING ON A DATE. it might also be what i do worst. more on that later.

this is date two with guy i picked up at my gym who i think hates me now but whatever he is pretty crotchety and i totally am not the right kind of person to tolerate his anal moodiness so match from hell pretty much and i think i’m too fat for him i blame all my date failures on my body and not at all on my winning personality disorder.

we had a great time though and we never even blasted. go me.

i’m going here later on today. if i make it passed round one of initial meet and greet stages.

see the golden flakes? amazing.

i guess we ordered a lot.

i wish there wasn’t something on my face like that.

my hair looks totally stupid. this summer heat wave and my hair cut ruined my life. working in a bar under third world working conditions (no a/c) also fucked it all up too.

more came.

sake cooler. i need one of these.

mental hair. that jumper exploded apart too many times in the car but luckily gym guy had a huge safety pin for some happy coincidence to pin it together again. i bought that at urban outfitters.

the exposed brick reminds me of the underground path beneath (underground, beneath, nicely redundant) manulife center. ghetto.

this photo is shit i know for fact there was a better one. can’t be bothered to dig it up. i don’t look like this anymore anyway so who even cares. social irrelevance.

nothing like seeing crabs when you are eating raw fish.

we sake walked over to the soho metropolitan for drinks in the bar.

those things are amazing.

hot mess garbage.

definitely posted the betters of this batch.

gym guy is the best to people watch with he is super catty and smart and snotty, snottier than me. we made fun everybody and got totally tanked.

we copied one of these drinks when we went to his cottage the following weekend. or whenever we went. i just found some uber adorable photos of myself from then i never posted.

i look at this and all i think is I WANT MONEY. fuck boyfriends it’s all about money.

i’m in a strange mood right now.

i do remember blogging a parkdale martini joke in the past.

look at my arm and nip slip.

this is an example of not caring.

stephanie tanner face.

fat arm complex.

lamp post lit complex.

forgot to measure my legs before leaving the gym today. i had my assessment and the tape measure was out. i’ve reduced a lot of body fat.

i want cuter girlier glasses, enough of this malcolm x shit and you can forget about me wearing these with my hair down i look like garth.

that little pub all on its own there looked precious to me.

alright that’s enough of that.

if you want to date me you can bid on me for charity on february 10 at the hideout and if we fall in love maybe we can be each other’s valentine’s date or i can bring you to a singles mixer which essentially should be called, none of are good enough for the other so lets get slammered.

Below are the details of the event.

Date & Time: February 10, 2011. Doors are at 8PM.

Location: The Hideout, 484 Queen Street West, Toronto, ON M5V 2B4

Cost: $5 at the door

Bachelor/Bachelorette Cost: Bidding will begin at $25.00 – there will be
10 bachelors and 10 bachelorettes – we will auctioning off 5 men and 5
women at 9:30pm and then the awesome cover band we have lined up will play
a set and the second group will be auctioned off at 11pm. * All of our
amazing people being auctioned off first will have to be there by 9pm
sharp & the rest by 10pm. We will figure out who goes where once all
participants are confirmed.

*Please note that the band and venue costs are being covered by The
Hideout so door cost will go directly to Heart & Stroke. *

Fun details:

– Highest male & female bidders from the audience will each receive a
Nella Bella handbag (f)/duffle bag(m) as well
as a $100 bar tab from Sleeman’s.

-The 20 couples will be given the option to either spend the evening
together or discuss plans for a date on a different day.

this will be great to see which ones of us get the highest bid or the lowest. i’m sure there will be some crushed and/or inflated egos. to save face maybe casie and i can pair up for a combo-date. i think we both put out. depending. naturally.

here i am right now and here is an awkwardly embarrassing clip of what i thought was a brilliant performance at the time.

now feast your ears on this one.

i have an audition tomorrow i am nervous and excited about. i am trying to go zen about it and not over-prepare. that’s enough jinxing. also on thursday i am doing another BOOM party this time it’s a MEET THE COUGARS jamboree so please do come out. if i cook for you then you don’t have to pay. what fun and how generous, right? 808 COLLEGE STREET 2PM.

i cried today during my assessment. the muscle weight i have is fucking with me large. i know i look better and the weight has been redistributed but it’s just frustrating living the life i live eating and drinking the way i do and i’m just about to sign on for another festival of chefs. something’s gotta change. i have to take on cuisine like a wine tasting, chew don’t swallow. i’ll have a big wad of napkins full of mush. then i’ll compost it.

in a week or two is my meltdown phase where the fat comes off more and the sleek tone is revealed. i have reduced my body fat over 2%. that’s a lot apparently, for women. i still cried though.

went to an after hours saturday night. it was quite the experience i wrote about it for sofi’s blog. she said the following nice things

P.S. I am not licking your ass or sucking up or anything, but I think you are a bit of a genius. I will buy your book.


Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa amazing! What form of alternative universe do you live, because this funtime party is NOT the Toronto I am familiar with. This is so awesome. Thank you for doing this.

clearly i am a professional dater so obviously you want to pay the heart and stroke foundation to court me.

i had haggis for my first time. it was squishy. that cheese was amazing. we inhaled that platter in under two minutes.

i thought i was the hottest girl there. um, i just changed my mind.

not to advertise for free or anything but this is the best coaster.

i got blamed for this. TWICE. saturday night i got blamed for all sorts of things by older dowdier chicks it really pissed me off. that paper hadn’t even touched my hand, it’s pbc’s poem he was going to read (that he still read) then it was on fire and guess who was the one to pour beer on it to save the pub? that’s right, ME. i was like oh you scotsmen are so cheap and drunks you’d rather the bar burn down around you then waste some of your pint. then one woman to me says ok watch the candle, in a nice way, ok fine yeah i got that arleady but then this other woman down the table says can i have that paper? as i am lining it up for this photo here and i say, why is that? knowing exactly fucking why she’s requesting it. she goes, SO IT DOESN’T SET ON FIRE AGAIN in total teacher voice. me, calmly (fuming) reply yes sure just let me take this picture of it first. both times me trying to get a shot of it and i get lectured twice before i can even take the fucking picture. i take the picture and toss the paper down the table to/at her. melodie says to her i think she’s fine. i have never been treated like an inept child so much before in my life before being blond. i swear.

i must be off now.

I’m just one wishing that I was a pair with someone oh somewhere

Mr. Writer why don’t you tell it like it is

Dear Raymi,

I just wanted to write you and tell you that I love, love love your blog. I have been reading it for a looong time, since you were with your ex and had long black hair. I remember the first post I read you pointed out the Pink Floyd pig in Children of Men and I dug that because I love Pink Floyd. That seems kinda crazy to remember the first post I read, don’t think I’m crazy! But you just made such an impression on me because I had never seen anything like your blog. There really isn’t anything like it, actually. I love your sense of style, it is so brave and cool and trendsetting, I’ll see stuff on fashion blogs that you wore a year ago and you’re over it and onto something else nobody is wearing yet, but everyone will be in a year. You are not afraid to put the most out there stuff together and it looks awesome.

Anyway I just really wanted to thank you for your blog and putting everything out there. I was so proud of you when you broke up with your boyfriend (my fiance, we were engaged, pay attention people you keep getting it wrong) and went out on your own. Thank you for showing how awesome it can be to be independent and just do your thing and throw off the shackles of an oppressive relationship that didn’t let you be yourself. At least, that is my interpretation of it I guess…that is what I have been going through lately. I separated from my husband after being together for like 7 years, and it was just not a good relationship for me, it hurt me in a lot of ways and I feel like I was being forced into the mold he made for me. For the first time in a long time I am finally able to stretch out and be myself and figure out what I want out of life. I feel so free in a way that I haven’t ever felt. When I was younger (I am 27 now), and when I met him, I felt like I HAD to have a boyfriend, like I was missing part of me that could only be made whole by another person. I don’t feel that way at all now. I feel like I escaped while I’m still young and cute and the freedom I have to live my own life is intoxicating. Maybe I needed to have a devastatingly shitty relationship to make me realize that or something? I bet people do this to you a lot, go into intimate details about their problems and personal life through the anonymity of the internet because they feel like they know you so well, because you create such an intimacy with your blog.

Well I have never written to you before and only commented like literally one time, but I just wanted to say thank you for your blog, I love it and I really hardly miss a thing on it. Also, thanks for listening. What you’re doing is really cool and like so groundbreaking. I know one day you are going to be so famous, and you deserve it. Keep up the hard work, keep being yourself, keep rocking life, you are an inspiration and beautiful and awesome.


not much of a stretch is it.

not only am i adorable but i play it in real life too. got baked and immediately went into the yorkville toy store (legendarily where angelina jolie shopped when she was in town during film fest, also known as, GOOD TO KNOW THANKS) as whatever thing you do the second you are lit hang on tight cos that’s your activity for the next twenty or so minutes. vortex. see you on the other side. if i really wanted to put my mind to it (pass) i could easily of had an anxiety attack.

bought this kitschy saving up for valium bank for my mother a few years ago. go figure.

Hi Raymi/Lauren

I continue plowing (Canadian: ploughing???) thru your blog. I like
Flickr for pictures because Flickr does full screen (slideshow mode),
but then you have to go to the blog for the commentary. Is that why you
post to both — to give us a decent look at the pix? Isn’t there a blog
program that will allow full size for pictures? Seriously, having two
screens is handy — do you think I’m nuts? Basically I’m a
photographer, and I like to see pictures looking good.

When I came across your blog a month ago, it was like coming in at the
middle of a movie. That’s why I wanted to look at all the old pictures
and entries. Such a story you have, and I wanted to see the beginning.
(I am starting to get the idea now — may not make it through all 50,000
entries — sorry.) Didn’t I pick up somewhere that you’re working on
another book? That would be a good read — with 10 years of material,
you now have enough there for an illustrated book called “The Best of
Raymi – 2001 to 2011″.

Just saw your latest post. It’s a moving story — tears coming up. My
son who’s your age had a drinking problem. DUI — big accident — bad
injuries (not his) — saved from death by airbags — jail + 6 months
lock-up in rehab. Giving up alcohol was the easy part. Hardest point
for him: ditching drinking buddies and drinking spots, then finding new
friends and a new environment. I thought that’s what you’ve been
trying with your fitness program. The fitness route was what my son
took, but more along the lines of buffing up. (Then the idiot started
dealing steroids — more drama with the law — but he’s come around now.)

You’re incredible to put all this out for us. A free gift to the
world. One way or another, it’s the kind of story that all of us go
through in our twenties — that’s why it resonates. All the best . . .


Hi Raymi,

I just wanted to write to let you know that I really think you are a truly wonderful person, despite what others may think. I admire the way you completely live your life just unapologetically. I wish I had the courage to be that way and to just live exactly the way I would want to.

Your post really spoke to me today. I am (like you) a chronic overachiever and as a result of that have developed a lot of severe anxiety issues. I have been in and out of counseling for the last several years, but have never been on medication (I just don’t want to put that stuff into my body) although I completely understand that it works wonders for many other people. Unlike you though, I don’t share my anxiety issues with many people, with anyone really. I don’t know what that would be like. Liberating? Therapeutic? I don’t know. Sometimes, I feel like I am suffering completely alone, and when I am having hard days, like the last few, when my stress manifests itself in such bad tremors that I can’t even cut open a bag of milk, I can’t help but feel like something is just plain wrong with me. Because I have a hard time talking about my issues, it just makes me feel better to know that I am not alone, and that this doesn’t have to define me as a person. It is very inspirational and motivating for me to see successful people, such as yourself, persevering and working through it to live the life you envision for yourself, despite having anxiety.

I just moved to a brand new city three weeks ago and basically upended my life. Along with changing cities, moving away from all of my friends and family, and going back to school to do my Masters, came a whole ton of new anxiety. I started seeing a new counselor yesterday actually. Anyway, she told me that often it is those of us who accomplish great things, and put pressure on ourselves to continuously achieve and move forward who often have the highest levels of anxiety (and whom she sees the most of). Basically, she pointed out to be that if we didn’t care so much about our futures/lives/work, etc and were just carefree all the time, we would never feel anxious – but we would also never accomplish half of what we do.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say thank you for being who you are and for sharing it with the rest of us.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.


today is burns day it’s essentially scotland’s st. patrick’s day. i am considering wearing my family anderson tartan jacket to a pub with half of the pbc tonight. one of them is reading poetry. in his scottish accent. it’s going to be amazing. i was going to go to the burbs but i just have too much work in the city and the train there will exhaust me and the ride back monday morning i can’t relax in BURN-OUTINGTON just yet unfortunately. miss you guys.

micheal jackson experience is amazing.

my brother’s girlfriend got me that shirt, with matching shorts and a bunch of lotions and a matching sleeping mask. that part of the gift went to pbc hilariously out at the bar who knows where it ended up.

incoming new converse line, brad got gifted son.

jimi hendrix chucks. they look so fucking cool on too.

killed it at TMR today. the re-energizer boot camp. super fun. melodie, casie, britt and i and a whole pack of others. those shots coming soon. i know i say this a lot but i mean it. i am an animal.

this post needs more hands on hips. jesus.

the stupid will be punished

kyzrsze has sent you a message:


Where was this video specifically shot. I can see water in the background and it says you are from Canada…that is all I can figure out! By the way, it is one of my favorites. I am also trying to figure out how the person got shots of the girl singing. Especially the shots from dead on in front of her…..anyway, I love this song and love this video!

Go Leafs!

Walter Pompei

seriously? ok. we had a robotic arm that we rented for $10,000 which was great because it was able to rotate on a 360 degree axis from only mounted on the windscreen it was amazing. the car itself, outfitted with special lighting (a subaru wrx sti all blue suede interior and bucket seats) traveling speed approximately (what is the speed limit of lakeshore between bronte and oakville exactly?) 60-70km/h as we’re canadian like you mentioned so i dunno what that would be in pompei. uh what else, this video is as viral as it gets for an obscure song like this, almost 50,000 views on youtube i have no idea why i don’t get offered money for it but i get offered money for some tetris halloween costume stupidity video that doesn’t even have a fifth of the traffic. in the future i will just film the video on my own, using my own arm, and save the money.

bye now,


this toke’s for you

hey there hi there ho there.

that stomach is rocking 3 pints. i couldn’t do my food journal when i got home last nite cos the internet was down. then i laid on the couch with melodie and half-dozed while they watched red. i saw this movie. i have no idea where i saw it or with whom. dad did we rent it? no it was in theatres. so it was maybe the drive in? ugh thanks marijuana. take a bow.

had the trout. it was nice and light. for starter i had a duck salad. it was crap.

we went on an adventure. sometimes casie and i share a brain. yesterday was kind of a hilarious day.

pbc convinced me to dress up. i felt like a fucking idiot walking down my driveway and seeing my totally under-dressed lunch date sitting in his car meanwhile my toes are frozen in my funeral shoes in fact, i’m wearing black head to toe, total funeral outfit. oh well it’s always better to dress up, dress for the position in society you want to be not what you are. so i guess i should dress like hello kitty then. i think i made that joke here before. sorry about that.

i emailed tucker max. i bet he won’t write back. i’ll give it a few more days before i broadcast my rejected pick-up email. this book is so hilarious and he reminds me of an ex-friend and because of all his black out mug shots i want to figure out how to get mine. yes fans, your hero spent a night in the drunk tank in los angeles the one in manhattan beach i just googled it and looked at pictures oh man. merkley wears his mug shot on a t-shirt i’ll have to ask him how to track mine down. i look like wynona ryder in a psychosis in it. flaming coupe bizarre red hair and dilated pupils aaaalright who wants to associate with my brand now, guy. i’m sure one day i’ll be famous enough that it’ll just get leaked on its own. then i can hang with nick nolte. or vince vaughn mmm yummy.

you haven’t made it until you have a mug shot in my opinion. (kids don’t try this at home).

carpaccio at romagna-mia last nite. we have a fun collaboration on the horizon there over the next couple months. this is why i’m glad my internet was down last nite. james heard we had pasta. gulp.

me in that sweater there and my psychiatrist’s gay steven segal wall tapestry. i told him that basically the only problems i have in life are real world adult problems. i griped about every single one and thing i could think of. i also told him it was very embarrassing showing up a day early in bright red pants. i see my guy at CAMH where all the crazies go for free crazy group therapy, they also do drug addiction, booze and anxiety. i got in because i have a lovely laundry list of mental foibles in my past. i am a total advocate for therapy in general and in other countries/cultures they consider you a total idiot if you don’t go to regular therapy sessions but anyway, my guy knows i’m a-ok, i rarely see him, only for chill pill scripts (anxiety) which i never even fill (i have a collection of them) and i think we’re even at the point where he should stop counseling me and suggest treatment or other therapy i dunno, that’s how the system works i gather, like, i’m not mental, i can function and go about life and more or less be a businessy-together work capable human but there is something borderline totally inadequate about me i feel and i might be a candidate for some kind of breakdown maybe perhaps (not likely i think cos i’ve already gone through it and i’m pretty a-type where i must keep it together which is very british of me and vital) but because i drink a lot this is why i keep seeing my doctor. i told him if in the next two months i don’t severely get my act together and move on to bigger and better things (accomplish projects, which requires a lot less drinking and late nights) then i am going to do something drastic and punish myself. it’s just unacceptable personally how much i have slacked off on multiple things (despite accomplishing fantastic and copious amounts of other things). i spread myself so thin but i’m too cheap to hire someone to work for me. yes i am a business woman, yes i make money off this blog yes i am not playing make believe. i said to my shrink that he is basically just a career counselor to me now. i said if i wasn’t a creative type i’d be on time for shit, people like me in the world are late because they’re chasing rainbows and other whimsical shit so guys like you can sit on your arse in cubicles commenting on our finger paintings and such.

i learned the other night that a lot of people in my past (not naming any names or groups of whatever subset of people you think i am referring to) and distant present (haha whatever that means) are equally as lost and stressed out feeling. i think everyone is kind of strung out in january. you feel the pressure of life during these trying alaskan-climate times. i just assumed everybody had a better life than me or was thriving more and it was kind of a relief to see that i am not the only person suffering.

today at lunch i was fascinated by all the haves. this table of four men in their white tennis clothing, having pints, two women at their table all discussing the co-ordination of tomorrow morning’s ride to the airport for their holiday. then another man joined them who looked about 80 years old with a ralph lauren baseball hat plopped on his head like it ain’t no thing and a glass of red wine. what a life.

yesterday in yorkville seeing all the stressed out money faces and furs and plastic surgery and the desperation and the entitlement super affected me. i realized why my blogging style of writing at the time when i lived in the neighbourhood was so bitter and caustic. i was so stressed out to exist in that world yet shun it and rise above. ugh. i was happy and i was not. i blogged three times a day about laundry and a cat that hated me and fielded so much abuse from strangers on the internet about how much of a cunt i was. my blog thrived because i was a shut in and it was the only attention i really got.

i asked a girl, a girl woman, a kept woman, for directions to a place i received a tip about. yorkville is so condensed you can walk by 5 boutiques in 5 steps so it’s hard to find new places i guess. this woman was exceptionally nice so willing to offer help and even asked if the place was any good that i was off to. i could tell she was lonely and like all happenings i ever encounter i over-analyzed that exchange and took that yeah, she was nice because someone picked her out. you feel special when a stranger makes you an authority on something. you are surrounded by so many people in this city but you can easily feel super isolated within it.

meanwhile a national post notable was waiting to take a piss by the bathroom. i was reading my a-holes finish first and checking out every single thing that moved by the window. i might go back another afternoon and sit in the coffee shop by sassafraz all day long and wait for a husband.

when i walked in to starbucks these two younger than me (but not skinnier) platinum girls (pretty though and rich) totally looked me up and down. we did the we all have platinum hair acknowledgment like how motorcycle riders churchill style peace sign each other in-passing, except platinum acknowledgment when one party has roots and the other doesn’t involves mega eyeballs crawling all over your head in a vicious way. guess which one of us had roots.

came up with a book title for my own i hope they serve beer in hell style memoir (kills, lays, notches) it’s called RAYMEN. raymi’s men. get it? just kidding. (we’ll see if you make the cut).

bingo bango bongo bye,

I’LL SEXT YA LATER! i mean, see you later.

she’s got the kind of love i need the kind that’s never good on me

i think i get away with more than half the things i should in life cos of these bad boys.

sickly dana if i get it i have like 3 different people to blame it on. i will put all three in a cauldron.

grainy olympus i like it hipster-vision. oh, this, casual unassuming photograph, yeah, no biggie. W-hatever. i’m writing this under the gun right now so i know not what i do. i’m going to the boulevard club like fresh prince for lunch this afternoon (like now). one of my PBC (parkdale boys club) members is trying to get me to fall in love with him so that he can impregnate me. not even kidding.

my little nutellacube buddy sent me a kawaii-style postcard. it was on the adventure fridge, i didn’t know when it came. melodie was like yeah this came for you and i got warm inside and boasted that jenny is one of my little blogger buddies that i feel very protective of and all mentor-like. thanks jenny. good girl. haha.

no problem. me, 24/7. piece-a cake.

i thought my sweater against the leopard print couch would look funny/cute. this is one of my top ten most manipulative sweaters i own. when a really tall guy who looked like chris robinson saw me he fell down the stairs. ok one stair. ok he didn’t actually fall but he majorly tripped and stumbled cos he was overcome with desire and endearment upon the vision what is me in this oatmeal sweater. culinary student was like ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THAT GUY!? so jealous. no, i said, but i’d fuck his friend. i am nice like that.

we shared fajitas.

i went to good catch our hippie local store. it’s a time capsule in there.

advhaus gets a discount but i am the new guy so i smooth talked her into giving me a partial one. therefore she rules and gets a photo taken. some other spaced out hippie wandered in and i had a wine buzz on so i interacted with him positively. this girl (forget her name) said they stay open til 15 passed ten every nite for all the hippies who can’t get their shit together in time to make it by ten. she didn’t say it in those words but that’s how i interpreted it. i am also included in the 15 passed (past?) ten crowd. sometimes i’ll wander in from mitzi’s and eat a secret snack.

ahh drunk shopping is the best i bought all kinds of adventure crap to eat. mel was sick so i wanted to play nurse santa claus.

these packs of mj cards are all thick and gummy sludge-like i can only imagine what they look like. i’ll buy one next time i go.

kinda sad. kinda, rad?

melodie uses these. sometimes our household products at home have a fight i come in with the most obnoxious expensive brand name piece of garbage what destroys the planet and they are like, no way man. one time i put flavoured coffee beans through the grinder as “a surprise” and they didn’t like that very much. i have learned. flavoured beans aren’t good for you because of the vanilan.

i bought kale chips cos i wanted to do mindless snacking with slim repercussions. i was going to buy seaweed paper but it’s fucking expensive. how is seaweed so bloody expensive i can just go to a lake and fish it out myself.

the middle postcard i got from the tate modern when i was 17 in england, the year it opened. I WIN.

yesterday i whored my brain out for research purposes.

it was very true liesy. i love this shit. i have to learn how to speak freely and forget the two-way mirror. the guy interviewing me had a euro accent, trying to place it. helped set the mood. he would ask somewhat leading questions “but there is no wrong answer” and when i took the camera out he’s like “so is that what you do…? (pause pause) take pictures?” i think he had lessons in mind control at some point in time. i also couldn’t stop staring at my reflection in the mirror and noticing how moonbeamy my eye bags were and readjusting my hair.

are there people behind that mirror? yes he said. i finished the meeting by asking if he hated me. i don’t think i said what he wanted to hear and that’s only because i’m the wild card always. maybe i wouldn’t but i know others would. i play the game and then i sabotage it.

then it turned into a casie afternoon and i discovered that the lcd screen of my new camera was shattered. camera works but i can’t see shit. not happy. alen is going to catapult me into outerfuckingspace likely too. my purse dropped off the back of the coat hook in the bathroom all on its own at starbucks. i got starfucked.

we went to hemmingways to celebrate/blow off steam/talk business/drink pints and so on. before that we wandered around the underground mall thing so i could follow men around and then not follow through with the eyetag. i bought some crap at costa blanca. picked up a vice from AA.

i’m going to wear this to lunch with tights and who knows what else i should be focusing on that right now instead of blogging.

it’s soft peachy/pink. i am turning into my nana that’s one of her favourite tones.

see my newest headband? got it in black too.

party time. excellent.

adorable skirt.

killed some time at ginger’s cos he lives in the naybe of where i had dinner last nite.

he is also getting over being sick. see how we are watching the kanye video? i have turned so many on to that thing kanye should be paying/thanking me. as if, i wish, that that guy is so cray cray.

ok bye!!!

oh spare me

nothin’ like a media preview invite to whet my appetite. for destruction. sorry i was just skimming my itunes there for a sec and forgot what i was doing. for the young ones that was a metallica g’n’r (thanks) reference. had to get out of bed to edit this because i had a late night americano and couldn’t let it go so tired.

so there’s this new place called the ballroom in the city in a perfect location for it to be utilized and scorned by one and all, club ground zero. i just read torontoist‘s review on it, well, mostly the comments and a few blurbs of the actual piece i’ll finish after my own review lest i get too swayed but i am already pissed off just reading the comments. typical smug toronto reactionary bullshit you see this is why the rest of the country hates us.

how can one hate on a bowling alley? a high-end bowling alley in the middle of the city? how perfect is that? we drove to some ghetto bowling alley off the dvp a couple years ago wherever the fuck once to bowl and that harshed our buzzes, well, for whoever had to drive it did i also was suffering a mega-hangover anxiety attack myself at the time too that i’m pretty sure would have been cured had we not required a caravan voyage out of our dear city just to bowl.

the type of people griping and whining about however much this place costs to bowl and experience are exactly the type who pose at places like the drake. hypocrites. this place was designed with your faux-elitist try hard ass in mind. reality check.

and arrested development geniuses like me.

colleagu is french for colleague. it’s like pingu.

this place is gorge. i got a sneak-sneak preview before they even opened, while still in renovation, because i am amazing. i’ll drop those pics at the bottom of the post. i’ll have to as i didn’t go upstairs this time around and the only upstairs pictures i have are from then. i was too busy actually bowling to network schmooze. all these hot men kept parading by smiling at me in this beckoning manner and i am such a clued out tool i didn’t realize they were motioning for me to go up to where i imagine everybody i wanted to flirt with was. am i right dana? please say i’m wrong. i know i’m right. shit. oh hey i just noticed myself walking by the bar in that picture.

tasting menu. this is the organic quinoa salad consisting of black olives, roasted tomatoes, celery, arugula, peppercorn peccorino and herbs and by the way, foodie geeks, i was not paid for this post so with all due respect, go fuck yourselves in advance.

mmm tastes like healthy confusion. love it. look how perfect my ponytail is.

thanks for that headband lois.

so far away, many similar shots trying not to repeat too much even though that’s your favourite.

purple was my favourite ball for awhile (weight 9) then i went to an 8, better hole fit for my fingers though i wish it was heavier. bowling is a workout too eh.

meeting sean patterson. pro bowler (35 years) teacher on deck. took a shine to me. WHO DOESN’T. guy’s bowling arm is 17 inches, the left is 12. i made him show me. you’ll see. i am a professional reporter like Veronica Corningstone, more and more everyday she and her and i are becoming (haha that’s three people) one.

he taught me some stuff and that is the dumb outfit i invented with only two seconds to throw it together. ok what would look cute and good and zany whilst bowling?

i saw this guy throw 300 strikes. i tried to make him do them in cannon down each lane. he wouldn’t. i like to see how far i can push people. you’d be surprised.

tawfik gave’r a go.

i think back there i am thinking whether i should have a crush on him or not.

and i’m like, gilbert grape level charming. check my hand.

sometimes i’m a maje stud though.

break out the graceful.

you wouldn’t understand i operate on a completely different plane than you what they’d say in a maury povich audience, whole ‘notha level.

were we trying to time it here?

notice how i have to interfere and pester every single person in my immediate vicinity?

timing it.

amazing. that’s amazing. just so you know. LOOK I’M BEING AVERAGE!

that man is clearly a spazz, i mean, really.

sometimes i do this after throw pose when i know it’s bad i want to delay coming up to reality and confronting the crippling embarrassment of my awful, awful roll.


and tap dancing?

we were obsessed with sean.

summer time these babes will be open and there’ll be a street patio. there’s patio upstairs and a stage and video games, arcade style, ping pong, entire dining room. it’s chic.

look at those lame walkers. come on toronto walk strong, have game, look up, interact. (i hope this guy never finds my blog haha)

hahaha i am trying to think of something funny to caption this by, maybe i’ll just let the awkward body language speak for itself. tawfik is the four star chef of the ballroom. mmmaybe he will feed me someday.

the menu and me fighting on the phone with someone about how i mentioned something on my blog that would make us have a fight all over again so i can’t say but it’s funny how things get circular like that eh. that’s the menu obviously. i made that happen. i was so pleased with my machiavellian ways i sat down and congratulated myself by tweet jerking off which would be seeing how many views a photo i took of myself got within two seconds of tweeting it. i think my posture is getting better despite those low modern couches wanting to make you hunch. i was posture-conscious cos of my highwaisted shorts. i can just keeping going you know.

the server chicks are super nice and very professional and courteous and hot as hell. i asked tawfik if those girls just get paid to walk around and be hot (joking) then an uber important looking hot one walked by and i said something snarky like see, just walking, always the walking and he’s like she’s in charge of “something important” (can’t remember) then i told some other media elite that they looked familiar, she said her name, didn’t ring a bell and i go, yeah, maybe it was in a dream. she walks away, spellbound. zap. the grilled wings are amazing. i thought james was going to burst an exercise ball when i told him what i ate at the ballroom this morning and now i have to for real do a food journal every day. GREAT.

that girl is famous. natalie brown. everyone was annoyed that i didn’t know who or what that meant, nor even heard of any of the stuff she was in. i live in a bubble.

the vip lanes to the side of the regular ones, private. secluded. YOU HAVE BETTER LIVES THAN EVERYONE ELSE VIPEOPLE.

i love the gumball machine coloured bowling balls.

my snap magazine photo pose lunge lateral raise move.

killin’ it softly.

only try this at home if you aren’t a complete wimp ass.

i have absolutely no idea why bully truck driver personae is speaking right now. just go with it. pussy. see i can’t stop!

the form oh the glorious form. i am a swan. a bowling swan ballerina.

old bluey and me now.

watch out now.

the other mediaites were opportunists.

i pretended not to notice.

hilarious graphics.

manipulative mush making face.

up to something.

running out of dumb things to say.


that’s that famous girl. dana was like go talk to her i’ll introduce you i’m like no way man i’ll stay over here where it’s nice and safe and shy-friendly.

i am a golden god. strike.

then i taught the cbc kids what sean taught me.

start with your left foot end with your left foot as you launch the ball.

and then i semi-insulted/made fun of one of their t-shirts. hey is that ironic or is it like a real band shirt? no, it’s real, do you know who joel plaskett is? yeah i do (no really i do but it’s a little foggy in there) yeah sorry, right, he goes, it’s NOT ironic. tough crowd whoops. i must’ve had that michael cera movie on my brain or something. the shirt WAS comical ok, sorry joel plaskett but your tshirts look like they belong in that scott pilgrim movie where there’s a billion fake band names. it looked clever to me. whatever. this post gets a ten out of ten for reaching its hipster quota references per-post.

i gave them my card too. let the awesome continue. they were super fun and into bowling, i liked them.

see it worked she got a spare or a strike thanks to me.

put a high five on that mawfucka.

solid. i must say, yesterday’s afternoon was pretty amazing.

and they have smokers booties too. darling. my fryes are lookin’ good eh. thanks lesliebian.

python check.

holy crapola.

omg look at the difference. i didn’t make one lewd joke about masturbating, honest.

cos fuck it dude, lets go bowling.

bowling gang sign i wonder if it’s universal. it’s not exactly devil horns. it’s way sluttier than that. ok here’s the pre-tour i had because i am, like i said, veronica corningstone(r) and you aren’t.

spazz attack.

stage back wall.

i love renovations.

practisin’ ma shit.

penny lane moment on the hardwood.

bad outfit on a skinny day i always do that. if you wear a tent, you look like a tent. the moral of the story is, don’t wear tents.

ok this one’s cute, swedish woodnymph at your service. this was the moment tawfik met me and i was like, is this weird to you? (spinning around on the bowling alley having my picture taken) him, yeah a little. hahaha.

take advantage of settings always.

i have a fat little babushka face here. note to self: no smiling when face bloated wearing that hat.

i shoulda been a rockette. wait, weren’t they all super old in the eighties?

maybe if they were called the potatoes.

i’m really nervous here. i have meeting people shyness that i have to battle to overcome. i’m a hero really if you think about it. so many people are shy in the world. you have to make a concerted effort to do everything in your power to overcome that shit and battle your way through the business world otherwise you’re just some faceless troll on the internet.

my mom loses her mind every time she sees these she wants them badly. it’s because we have teeny ankles.

baaha look how cool i am playing it. faker.

artist at work.

it was mega cold that day. the beginning of oh shit it’s winter.

ok so long i thought my computer would have overheated and died by now.

tomorrow i get paid to talk to people about my internet opinions. hilarious. some days i feel like tom hanks in big though jason osler said i am a genius and he’s JOpublic so, there you go. i wish this post took less time but i enjoyed writing it almost as much as you enjoyed reading it.

i’ll edit and tweetblast/fb beg for attention this tomorrow.