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oh spare me

nothin’ like a media preview invite to whet my appetite. for destruction. sorry i was just skimming my itunes there for a sec and forgot what i was doing. for the young ones that was a metallica g’n’r (thanks) reference. had to get out of bed to edit this because i had a late night americano and couldn’t let it go so tired.

so there’s this new place called the ballroom in the city in a perfect location for it to be utilized and scorned by one and all, club ground zero. i just read torontoist‘s review on it, well, mostly the comments and a few blurbs of the actual piece i’ll finish after my own review lest i get too swayed but i am already pissed off just reading the comments. typical smug toronto reactionary bullshit you see this is why the rest of the country hates us.

how can one hate on a bowling alley? a high-end bowling alley in the middle of the city? how perfect is that? we drove to some ghetto bowling alley off the dvp a couple years ago wherever the fuck once to bowl and that harshed our buzzes, well, for whoever had to drive it did i also was suffering a mega-hangover anxiety attack myself at the time too that i’m pretty sure would have been cured had we not required a caravan voyage out of our dear city just to bowl.

the type of people griping and whining about however much this place costs to bowl and experience are exactly the type who pose at places like the drake. hypocrites. this place was designed with your faux-elitist try hard ass in mind. reality check.

and arrested development geniuses like me.

colleagu is french for colleague. it’s like pingu.

this place is gorge. i got a sneak-sneak preview before they even opened, while still in renovation, because i am amazing. i’ll drop those pics at the bottom of the post. i’ll have to as i didn’t go upstairs this time around and the only upstairs pictures i have are from then. i was too busy actually bowling to network schmooze. all these hot men kept parading by smiling at me in this beckoning manner and i am such a clued out tool i didn’t realize they were motioning for me to go up to where i imagine everybody i wanted to flirt with was. am i right dana? please say i’m wrong. i know i’m right. shit. oh hey i just noticed myself walking by the bar in that picture.

tasting menu. this is the organic quinoa salad consisting of black olives, roasted tomatoes, celery, arugula, peppercorn peccorino and herbs and by the way, foodie geeks, i was not paid for this post so with all due respect, go fuck yourselves in advance.

mmm tastes like healthy confusion. love it. look how perfect my ponytail is.

thanks for that headband lois.

so far away, many similar shots trying not to repeat too much even though that’s your favourite.

purple was my favourite ball for awhile (weight 9) then i went to an 8, better hole fit for my fingers though i wish it was heavier. bowling is a workout too eh.

meeting sean patterson. pro bowler (35 years) teacher on deck. took a shine to me. WHO DOESN’T. guy’s bowling arm is 17 inches, the left is 12. i made him show me. you’ll see. i am a professional reporter like Veronica Corningstone, more and more everyday she and her and i are becoming (haha that’s three people) one.

he taught me some stuff and that is the dumb outfit i invented with only two seconds to throw it together. ok what would look cute and good and zany whilst bowling?

i saw this guy throw 300 strikes. i tried to make him do them in cannon down each lane. he wouldn’t. i like to see how far i can push people. you’d be surprised.

tawfik gave’r a go.

i think back there i am thinking whether i should have a crush on him or not.

and i’m like, gilbert grape level charming. check my hand.

sometimes i’m a maje stud though.

break out the graceful.

you wouldn’t understand i operate on a completely different plane than you what they’d say in a maury povich audience, whole ‘notha level.

were we trying to time it here?

notice how i have to interfere and pester every single person in my immediate vicinity?

timing it.

amazing. that’s amazing. just so you know. LOOK I’M BEING AVERAGE!

that man is clearly a spazz, i mean, really.

sometimes i do this after throw pose when i know it’s bad i want to delay coming up to reality and confronting the crippling embarrassment of my awful, awful roll.


and tap dancing?

we were obsessed with sean.

summer time these babes will be open and there’ll be a street patio. there’s patio upstairs and a stage and video games, arcade style, ping pong, entire dining room. it’s chic.

look at those lame walkers. come on toronto walk strong, have game, look up, interact. (i hope this guy never finds my blog haha)

hahaha i am trying to think of something funny to caption this by, maybe i’ll just let the awkward body language speak for itself. tawfik is the four star chef of the ballroom. mmmaybe he will feed me someday.

the menu and me fighting on the phone with someone about how i mentioned something on my blog that would make us have a fight all over again so i can’t say but it’s funny how things get circular like that eh. that’s the menu obviously. i made that happen. i was so pleased with my machiavellian ways i sat down and congratulated myself by tweet jerking off which would be seeing how many views a photo i took of myself got within two seconds of tweeting it. i think my posture is getting better despite those low modern couches wanting to make you hunch. i was posture-conscious cos of my highwaisted shorts. i can just keeping going you know.

the server chicks are super nice and very professional and courteous and hot as hell. i asked tawfik if those girls just get paid to walk around and be hot (joking) then an uber important looking hot one walked by and i said something snarky like see, just walking, always the walking and he’s like she’s in charge of “something important” (can’t remember) then i told some other media elite that they looked familiar, she said her name, didn’t ring a bell and i go, yeah, maybe it was in a dream. she walks away, spellbound. zap. the grilled wings are amazing. i thought james was going to burst an exercise ball when i told him what i ate at the ballroom this morning and now i have to for real do a food journal every day. GREAT.

that girl is famous. natalie brown. everyone was annoyed that i didn’t know who or what that meant, nor even heard of any of the stuff she was in. i live in a bubble.

the vip lanes to the side of the regular ones, private. secluded. YOU HAVE BETTER LIVES THAN EVERYONE ELSE VIPEOPLE.

i love the gumball machine coloured bowling balls.

my snap magazine photo pose lunge lateral raise move.

killin’ it softly.

only try this at home if you aren’t a complete wimp ass.

i have absolutely no idea why bully truck driver personae is speaking right now. just go with it. pussy. see i can’t stop!

the form oh the glorious form. i am a swan. a bowling swan ballerina.

old bluey and me now.

watch out now.

the other mediaites were opportunists.

i pretended not to notice.

hilarious graphics.

manipulative mush making face.

up to something.

running out of dumb things to say.


that’s that famous girl. dana was like go talk to her i’ll introduce you i’m like no way man i’ll stay over here where it’s nice and safe and shy-friendly.

i am a golden god. strike.

then i taught the cbc kids what sean taught me.

start with your left foot end with your left foot as you launch the ball.

and then i semi-insulted/made fun of one of their t-shirts. hey is that ironic or is it like a real band shirt? no, it’s real, do you know who joel plaskett is? yeah i do (no really i do but it’s a little foggy in there) yeah sorry, right, he goes, it’s NOT ironic. tough crowd whoops. i must’ve had that michael cera movie on my brain or something. the shirt WAS comical ok, sorry joel plaskett but your tshirts look like they belong in that scott pilgrim movie where there’s a billion fake band names. it looked clever to me. whatever. this post gets a ten out of ten for reaching its hipster quota references per-post.

i gave them my card too. let the awesome continue. they were super fun and into bowling, i liked them.

see it worked she got a spare or a strike thanks to me.

put a high five on that mawfucka.

solid. i must say, yesterday’s afternoon was pretty amazing.

and they have smokers booties too. darling. my fryes are lookin’ good eh. thanks lesliebian.

python check.

holy crapola.

omg look at the difference. i didn’t make one lewd joke about masturbating, honest.

cos fuck it dude, lets go bowling.

bowling gang sign i wonder if it’s universal. it’s not exactly devil horns. it’s way sluttier than that. ok here’s the pre-tour i had because i am, like i said, veronica corningstone(r) and you aren’t.

spazz attack.

stage back wall.

i love renovations.

practisin’ ma shit.

penny lane moment on the hardwood.

bad outfit on a skinny day i always do that. if you wear a tent, you look like a tent. the moral of the story is, don’t wear tents.

ok this one’s cute, swedish woodnymph at your service. this was the moment tawfik met me and i was like, is this weird to you? (spinning around on the bowling alley having my picture taken) him, yeah a little. hahaha.

take advantage of settings always.

i have a fat little babushka face here. note to self: no smiling when face bloated wearing that hat.

i shoulda been a rockette. wait, weren’t they all super old in the eighties?

maybe if they were called the potatoes.

i’m really nervous here. i have meeting people shyness that i have to battle to overcome. i’m a hero really if you think about it. so many people are shy in the world. you have to make a concerted effort to do everything in your power to overcome that shit and battle your way through the business world otherwise you’re just some faceless troll on the internet.

my mom loses her mind every time she sees these she wants them badly. it’s because we have teeny ankles.

baaha look how cool i am playing it. faker.

artist at work.

it was mega cold that day. the beginning of oh shit it’s winter.

ok so long i thought my computer would have overheated and died by now.

tomorrow i get paid to talk to people about my internet opinions. hilarious. some days i feel like tom hanks in big though jason osler said i am a genius and he’s JOpublic so, there you go. i wish this post took less time but i enjoyed writing it almost as much as you enjoyed reading it.

i’ll edit and tweetblast/fb beg for attention this tomorrow.


14 thoughts on “oh spare me

  1. “go fuck yourselves in advance” should be put on a t-shirt, or a bumper sticker, or maybe I will just paint it on my wall.

    That place looks really nice and if I were a Torontonian I would go there and bowl and stuff.

    I have tiny ankles too. :)

  2. Looks terrific… perfect spot for a birthday party. So glad somebody did something worthwhile with that venue.

  3. “sometimes i do this after throw pose when i know it’s bad i want to delay coming up to reality and confronting the crippling embarrassment of my awful, awful roll.”


  4. I can tell you why I hate it. I went there for a birthday before Alicia’s at Reposado. All of us were crazy excited to bowl without having to travel far. By the time I got there everyone was waiting already for an hour and a half to bowl. They wouldn’t take reservations and after another hour waiting we said fuck it and went to a buddy’s house to hang out. Granted it was the weekend and it was packed of course. They’ve got the perfect scam going. Get people to go there and wait in the hopes that they’ll get a lane and in the meantime hang out in the bar and drink & eat. I found out later from another group of people that I ran into who decided to stay that they got a lane after 4 hours of waiting. I suppose if you want to go there to drink all night and bowling is not your priority it’s fine but I wouldn’t call it a bowling alley. It’s basically a bar that has a few lanes you might get to play on if you get lucky. The staff seemed pretty cool though and booze prices were reasonable. Food not bad either. Most shocking of all was that the music they played was awesome. I thought it was all going to be typical clubland vomit but they played tons of stuff I liked.

  5. when circa opened it was a shit show. then the kinks were ironed out. people expecting seamless everything the first week or month of a business opening is just unreasonable and annoying. not you personally brosz7 but ive seen lots haterade, give em the benefit of the doubt and relax it’s not a well oiled canada’s wonderland machine just yet.

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