here i am preparing for the jungle what is known as brunch. brunch is a sacred event, it’s like non-religious hipster’s answer to church. checking out the party statues from the night prior. casual above board contact exchanging, big time hook-up potential. though it doesn’t happen really cos everyone is a disaster and by everyone i mean me.
showing my definition. my definition. my definition is this. oh superbowl sunday. this morning when al came to easy he goes and do we have to drink all over again really? ugh i know.
last night, total total cow. today, whippet. W T F. also aunt flo fo sho today so i’ll be a skeleton all week leading up to the date auction of the century. i am stoked about the dress i’m wearing. that i haven’t gotten yet but i sent an email and we’re good to go. yes i am making the dumbest face here no i don’t care anymore. i think the secret’s out on me being a real person and all.
i had a loonie in my pocket when i was at metro last week and i saw the gumball machine and i needed to buy one of those miniature hats. well i needed it before i made the loonie connection. wildcats are from what state, city? meh. alright lets do last night now.
saturday night partying is difficult. the majority of people blow their load on friday night. idiots. so they stay home tweeting about the tv they’re all watching sucking their thumbs. it’s ok i do it all the time too. saturday nights i’m usually as smart as a bag of sand and just as cognizant but i knew i had to be good for my bredren advhaus community.
melodie and i played records while lucas went back home to get more stuff. mostly melodie took over while i sulked in that suspended pod and when she spoke to me she was like can you hear everything i’m saying coming directly at you in that chair? i was like yes now where is the opposite equivalent to this chair where i can’t hear anything that you are saying? she laughed at that hahah we had a huge fight before we went out. nothing will break our stupid relationship ever no matter how much we tell each other off i think we are addicted to the drama.
also living with people, from both sides, is a tricky thing, well can be. we’re pretty good at it though. we are totally a unit and maybe sometimes the lines get blurred like yesterday when, both of our cycles aligning, i didn’t have the patience to take a food order over the phone because i had a million things on my mind and i got home and eventually it turned into a fight and i said i am not your fucking wife. there’s being there for each other and then there’s not being there for each other? people get used to the extra hand, the third wheel. i’m still a loner looking out for my own too right. anyway under normal circumstances i would have done the deed but i didn’t feel like it.
people get stressed when they have to plan events, they want it to go smoothly and perfectly and then everyone takes it out on each other and flips out kind of go crazy and then everyone makes up once the dust settles and gets obliterated to blow off steam.
afrim for you and you alone i hope the steelers win. i know nothing about either nor care i only want to curl up into a sleeping dog position on the corner of a couch with my chianti and not blink once during commercials.
i am accepting turning 28. there’s always some asshole waiting to tell me how old looking i am. usually some no-fucking-body. big whoop i am an icon, from a blog. there are at the very least one hundred raymi copycat bloggers out there copping my style.
and from the loser ripping on my hair, saying it looks candy floss? yes it does because it’s soft as clouds. the ends need to be trimmed but that’s all, and i won’t trim them because i am obsessed with length. in spring i’ll trim the ends. anyway though you are a fucking loser thank you for your slags my life is amazing, try to make yours too then you won’t feel the need to slag someone else’s dream.
nubile flirty temptress. i can tell half dudes won’t buy it or fall for it so i don’t bother but the suckers for this look oh man, let me at ‘em, easy easy marks. i don’t even flirt i just grin and smile and soak in their googly eyes.
this doesn’t even look sexual. though to one of the members of the PBC who has a pantyhose addiction, bingo! we preached of our pbc rules and administration. hazing is partying in drapes corner (my room) and you must live in parkdale.
those are my hangover too lazy to fix face makeup glasses. typically the more fucked up i feel the more i compensate by dressing up nicer like i am going on a job interview. so if you see me looking like a million bucks that means i am really, really drunk.
or i am trying to sweet talk my way through airport security with these glasses on after an all nighter writing/blogging spree. people who wear glasses pretty much get to give up on keeping their faces young and pretty looking cos they get to hide behind glasses all the time if they want to not like the rest of us. way to go four eyes. melodie just said i am such a schoolyard bully.
i directed this shot and said ok we’re going for munchkin but i was so hungover stupid that i meant someone who lives in a village that looks like the smurfs with thatched roofing.
ok i have to go now and make my face look less like a scary ghoul.
+++
Hi Raymi,
It was a pleasure meeting you this afternoon. As promised, here is the description of the piece you purchased this afternoon: 1940’s painted metal medical side table or type writer table with a drop leaf top. American. Its not the most colorfully written portrayal of the piece, but I’m sure you can embellish it a bit.
bought some weird clementine vodka. flirted with the clerk because i am in love. not with him though. invited him to our party tonight all the same in front of a cop who raised his eyebrows at me and i gave him a come on over look. it’s hailing and snowing, it’s one of those nights i can tell. this vodka is a subtle advertisement for ikea.
in the car picking this up from cheese boutique i had one of those my life is retarded moments. it was awesome. seriously. i was in a castle last night and tonight my best friends and i are going to dominate an entire bar with our favourite jams in our favourite neighbourhood with this platter and it all started as a joke i made once about our parkdale mansion. it’s like disney make a wish foundation forever. just think up something dumb and blam.
somehow i have to make the steelers win the superbowl tomorrow. you have time to get a platter made for that eh, afrim is a wizard. by the way, no biggie or anything but i am chums with the number one chevalier in the world. mhmm.
WORLD! aw see my glass bottle. that was five dollars. i spent five dollars on a fuckin’ miniature glass bottle because it reminded me of the upstairs bathroom at cedar grove. that was completely normal of me.
it’s a mess just like us. afrim was like you should have seen me trying to put this thing together i gave up like three times! the floorplan melodie made was oh so detailed. melodie challenged afrim. well, i am not surprised at all that girl is tough.
curtains place is what half of the chalet (livingroom) is called (it has a furry shag rug and fireplace, it is a chalet). one day i walked through five curtain/partitions of the house and totally forgot what i had walked to the other side of the house for. it happens everyday. see that thing by the lamp? yep, it’s a fountain. a running water fountain is in our livingroom. where is the selby?
i wanted this necklace but it was $65 and the chain was $40. no chance lady i’m not that wasted. though it is so super my style. all bases covered. baby pink, diamond bling, white gold. girly heart. um what happened to me?
we didn’t bring the tambourine because we didn’t want to be found out. through a portal from the forgotten zone of adventurehouse we wanted to emerge undetected.
the gypsy nomad queen of urchins, she is with child and must be sent away to safety. the survival of the kingdom is at stake. like a seahorse, she travels between sex for protection. as king, she reigns impenetrable. there must be an heir.
in case of the chance they might never return to their domain again. the people needed to hold on to hope and to understand the laws of which all rules are governed. love. lead with thy heart noble man.
contact is made. lord steffan speaketh of sir queen raymi’s past task carried out for palais royale admirably, grants landed immigrancy to lady melodieval and sir queen raymi of this neighbouring kingdom for the night before their great journey the morro.
the calm before battle is a magnetic powerful affair. battle’s eve before dawn break. the night is cause for celebration, decadence comes few and far between and must be honoured.
somewhat an on olden day celebrity. a character. a scenester. no real defining purpose but admired, appreciated, adored in awe all the same. this was one hat sir queen raymi wore. sir raymalot.
melodieval carved the mighty beast what was slayed. a menace, instilling fear in the hearts and minds of these poor people. they sought to bring them reprieve from their mental hardships.
negronis were what they desired. muchos currency was spent. you cannot spend silver pennies when you are slain. the barman set blood oranges aflame to impress the royalty. they tipped him generously.
pig on the spit. i stood here and saw an ex-lawyer i had a fling with when i was 17 a few years ago dunig a film fest party. his people have offered me money to shut my mouth about that time if he ever ran for mayor. as if. the arrogance of bay street is impressive.
wearing a mask makes you feel like a freak but if you go with it it’s a whole dimension that can be pretty trippy if you like that sort of thing. i don’t. but i thought what would noel do? that table behind me was the best. rich annex forest hill types and drunk trying to fuck with us and we fucked with them right back and they didn’t expect it. you kind of always win if you’re dressed like a wizard swathed in fur and pearls and diamonds and a billion years younger.
i don’t think i’ll ever have an opportunity to dress like this again for awhile. i don’t do two trick ponies. what would you wear at a medieval marketplace at a castle?
they blasted fleet foxes. i died. my heart melted. it transported me into a thousand places in my head at once. i sang and danced to it the second time they played the entire record and people thought i was part of the show. well, don’t they always? hearing one of your top three bands in every single room of a palace during a period costume party i gotta tell you, it feels amazing. sacred.
olive oil breadland. i set out not to eat any bread. then i ate a lot of bread pudding. somehow i managed to wake up today with a six pack. not like you trash waking up with six packs of bud light haha. i mean washboard. amazing. i was in bed by twelve too. melodie came in at 2.15 and had a total conversation with me while i laid on my back like a polar bear in my boiling hot tickle trunk grove and i woke up laughing my head off remembering it.
mel found a pic and put it on advhaus tumblr of a knighting and i died laughing at it in burnountington. mission accomplished my lady. i have a lot of photos so i’m making this a two-parter.
a raymi fan/facebook friend was there and became my personal photographer. thanks andrew! his girlfriend’s father’s photo is in the castle and she hooked us up with a ghost story told to us by a nerd ghost castle employee who i then referred to as GHOST NERD for the rest of the night. guys you would be so proud of me lately i am a super hyper fucking asshole.
i reduced my overall body fat by almost 3%. i was like aww that isn’t very good at all and james goes what are you talking about that’s incredible! my arms are actually trimmer too and today as i write this i am even thinner than these pictures of me where i think i look kinda fat. everyone at The Motion Room makes fun of how i dress. james says some things i wear make me look way bigger. ok you’re a fashion expert too now?
i was trying to keep it together, i wouldn’t have cried if everyone in the room didn’t get all dotey and put me in the position where i could get away with crying and soak up some pity party like the diva people think i am. i sweat off makeup profusely enough as is on camera i cannot afford to cry on top of that.
i do look more fit though right. this was awkward. poor james had to keep it cool while i wept. see how people get head fucked about fitness and their bodies? GO LIFE!
i sat there like a pathetic turd and then james came in to give me a pep talk, said never weigh yourself (at my dad’s i’m ten pounds lighter on that scale) and then i just erupted in micromachine man speed delivery I WORK OUT 3 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK, LATELY 4 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK! AND I GAINED FIVE POUNDS WHAT THE FUCK JESUS CHRIST and so on. then just sat there with my fists in my eyes. total tantrum. how was that moment for you james?
emoface. i asked my colleague if i looked like shit or like i had been crying in the photos (i am very, extremely, exceptionally, neurotic) and he said no but i looked upset.
your personal trainer becomes your therapist and confidant. kash said sometimes it’s the only physical contact people ever get for days on end or ever when i said oh you must get people telling you all sorts of shit. a client like me is ideal, as i am a motor mouth.
today on the elliptical before my weights and twenty pound jacket that looks like a riot vest, i was thinking, all this stress i battle daily, my looks, my writing, striving for perfection so that i can get more money by landing more and bigger deals, to make lots of money, will i be happy then? what the hell am i going to do with a lot of money? someone i know was told to prepare themselves for one day becoming very wildly rich. can you imagine doing that? so as i was motoring around on my torture device i thought yes it is worth it i know that these lies of society are horrible things but in the end i will be milling around some third world country with money to spend and time to be away from the internet and modern day bullshit. that is my goal. to become the exact opposite of everything i am doing right now (i’ll hang on to the physique though) to be a better charitable person with zero stress. i’d like to see the world.
jury’s out on who is right about what and where the fat is on this thing. i thought it was the top layer, which has shrunken since my initial assessment.
it’s true, gym rats get buzzed on adrenaline. jeff and i finished more or less about the same time, you kind of lose the ability to give a shit about stuff for a half hour it’s great. has done wonders for my depression.
weird pear shape body i have never seen it look like that before. the tensor shirt and looser pants, i dunno. i have no explanation. what did i do the night before, more like ,what bar did i drink?
here go nuts i have no idea what any of this means and i don’t want to know i am still scarred. thank christ it’s a skinny day today or i’d blow some shit up.
i reuse these all the time. buy one fancy water and pose like you are an elitist, be amazed by the results!
ok skid rats i need to sort out who i’m taking to the medieval fair ball. everyone seems to be irrevocably useless tonight. if i bring a dude will that be annoying? why bring sand to a desert. hmmm. i will be wandering around like donnie darko with my NOLA cat mask wearing all black, actually way more like creepy tom cruise in eyes wide shut. amazing. yes i am. i need a cape. no way only nerd virgins wear capes. should i bring it and shell out on a major major dress?
tomorrow is another tear at the motion room i heard casie is bringing four people. insanity.
this is how i celebrated may 2-4 weekend. i couldn’t write about it at the time because of political reasons. political the bar i used to work at reasons and vacationing with a regular customer reasons. ha. here i am shooting a bb gun. i am hot like that. americans, you can learn all about may 2-4 here. essentially it is a statutory holiday that gets tacked on to the end of a weekend where canadians get wicked fucking drunk and set shit on fire, shoot fire rockets into the sky (fireworks) and pretty much stay drunk for 72 hours at cottages near lakes anything country or rural or northern. it’s how we kick off summer, yet, in spring, and you are basically a failure if you’re left in the city for it. people who do not go way for may 2-4 will let you know all about their disdain for you if you got away and they didn’t. like people you work with. like people you work with and you took off when you only work once a week and that job’s their livelihood and you are a self-entitled dickhead. in all fairness though i didn’t know there was custie beef until after the fact. whoops.
the night prior. those sandals bit the dust thanks to griffon stepping on to the back of one while we were all stumbling obliterated disasters back to the compound as the sun was coming up. sketchy. i bought those sandals on the friday and they lasted til sunday when the sun was coming up. horrorshow.
that’s griff. he’s kind of fucking awesome and kind of an intolerable smug bastard. which is a recipe for attraction and is somewhat intoxicating. not everyone will drink that drink but the ones that do, well, you know how it goes. shit show partier too. game on.
oh i just remembered this one couple that showed up and the guy was a total sexist sexist fucking asshole euro arrogant big mouth yet looked like letch (you can’t be like that unless you are beautiful). i can’t for the life of me understand these people. are you real dude? i flip-flopped between total shock and awe to disgust and bafflement. in the end it was hilariousness as we were rolling around on the ground around the fire in a field totally mashed and he was calling us witches and “that’s witch talk” abahahahaahaahaah and then all the dudes became witches too and we were cackling hysterically like witches oh it was fucking hysterical my mouth hurts right now remembering it.
i am martin short in pure luck. if you ever want anything to do with me you should rent that movie for us to watch together. it makes me crave fried eggs. there’s a scene involving fried eggs. this post is very escapist eh.
griff was warned about me from a couple girls who read my blog. be careful, she might write about you. so then i never did. all girls who read my blog who know a guy who may or may not become my next kill blow it for me ever writing about that guy. i heard that one guy got his teeth whitened specifically for my blog. incredible. i never wrote about him because all the chicks at his work read this.
we slept in there. claimed it. bunk beds. i am not kissing and telling or anything but at this point we haven’t had relations so it was a dance of wooing me all fucking weekend long. poor bastard. plus all the girls were forced to tolerate me because of this and i could tell they really didn’t want to like me. or liked me. i’m the female equivalent to griff and i think he has pissed every single one of his friends off in this group. amazing group dynamics i was front row center for.
i just speed-read this and nowhere does it tell me where victoria hall is yeah i can just google it but come on like i care enough to do that i prefer smoke signals on twitter or until someone comments here.
then i attempted a reposado. i was the bartender so i made/concocted many fucking rounds of various insanity ranging from sweet to savoury to gasoline paint thinner fantastical. i am someone you want around at a cottage. fact.
my room is pretty dreamy. i am going to interview every single person who has hung out in tickle trunk grove, specifically congregating for after hours engagements, and ask them what the allure is for them. there’s a fountain next door and you can hear the trickling water splashes and look up at my glow in the dark starred ceiling with an entire wall of open windows behind you and two more to the side. it is a sanctuary nook.
the following is partial-satire so don’t lose your cool ok.
Dear Raymi, you stung me a little bit. I just wanted to know why and how come I found out via your blog you were finished with me?
Now if you know who I am and who I hold court with you can get any and all ideas of which posse members I am referring to when I say about a month ago i piledrove a friend of mine like she was a cat in heat and I have never seen a fountain like that before, though I’ve never been to DisneyWorld so. Err, this is a little hard to write because it’s going against the conservative Toronto grain. I just don’t know what happened or when, but, it seems people are mellowing out and getting it on all around you. With each other!
When we go out for a night, I know that without a doubt, I must come out on top if I want to get laid this evening. I must dress better, look better, and be on my game.
Women beat men population-wise so we have more competition. This fact is made apparent when we go out at night. Suitable men we’d consider giving it to are few and far between and what’s more is they don’t fucking approach you. I am going to start referring to myself as butch aggressor because that’s how I feel when I speak to men. I am a completely different person now that I’m not engaged anymore. When I moved back to the city I would pick up a dude, a fucking stud top notch, DAILY. A new breed of woman is on the rise, men.
Not yet named but, for now we’ll call us “girl players”. I, am one of these prizes. A girl player is a mid-twenties urban force to be reckoned with, she is successful, coveted by marketers, parties, pr, events all that stupid fucking garbage. She’s fucked someone you love, someone with influence, money. She doesn’t fall in love because she has no feelings. Her real relationship is her career. She is focused and determined to beat you other women, and men, without question. It was a man’s world until we ate most of you and the other contender big players out there in our peer group, achieving as much as we do, do not exist because they followed the rock dream or make peanuts in whatever plebian creative field they went after. sorry.
I started feeling crazy by the tenth dude, a total ten, I picked up and was trying to juggle/manage along with the famous rock and roller with the enormous wang, the hot teacher, the hot famous indie professional, and so on, it was just, too much. I realized these semi-relationship entanglements were getting in the way of true love, destroying my perception of it. I was trying to pin down man players, multiples of them, at the same time. My ego knows no bounds.
So I lost my game or something and one by one I let them all fizzle out. I became human again. I focused on myself and my work instead, then I became a fucking animal about that.
Sometimes I forget that part of my career is hugely focused on being hot, being a parody of a person, with lots of platinum hair white teeth and sex. There are others like me, we hang out. When we go out, we get to use our notoriety to do whatever we please. It’s ridiculous. We never admit to competing in the business world together but in man world, in the jungles and dancehalls, after a long fucking bastard work week, I am going to fuck everything in sight and blow off steam all over that prey. If I can snag it first.
weird bubble day. snow shuts it all down. the night before it like christmas eve. we went to mitzi’s and we drank. i cannot wait for winter to be over and to blame everything on something new.
the chicken rotisserie at easy, on spelt. we loved this spelt. soon i’ll be getting my hands on some spelt bread at shasha for the family day tour of the factory. oh and before i forget/unrelated, erica come to saturday boot camp with me. it’s $25 bones. anyone else game let me know. i missed my session today and james got wicked pissed at me for it though i thought my colleague canceled it for me. he did not. tell me, when someone says to you in text at 8am “i canceled the gym today” do you interpret that to mean FOR YOU or “i took care of it” ? yes. me too. thanks for agreeing with me. if i get in shit from one more fucking person i am going to take up monster truck racing (passengering) and ride over garbage and houses be totally destructive until my contact rage passes.
did i tell you we are naming all of the rooms in advhaus yet? i’m telling you this because we haven’t named the dining room yet. the hallway is called amazon river.
it’s windy like a river and long and scary and things might bite you and pull you under (down the stairs) i wonder if our cheese boutique platter will be ready in time for this saturday night (our jambo at salvador darling) please do come, it will be the first of a monthly series of adventurehouse on the road parties. my room is called tickle trunk grove. the livingroom is partially known as curtains place. FACEBOOK INVITATION LINK
you are seriously mistaken if you think it’s not going to be slammed. no one’s shouted out a dress theme yet but you know me, i like to bring it in the attire department and don’t you know melodiva also likes to kick it. ooh maybe she’ll go as jenean, the mean babysitter. super mean.
oui oui. ok i just figured it out, it’s lady night a la revolutionary road and if you make one mad men reference you can fucking forget about it right now. real life shit only.
look it’s me hi i am cute it’s true, we can talk about it. i’m open. sometimes i feel bad for people who get conned into looking deep into my scandinavian wood wife good looks i know it’s coming and then SLAM right in the face what a eye scoop. i know it should be an eye scoop but i’m really trying to drive the stupidity personae today. then steer it right into tomboy jerkoff. they’re pretty tied.
home made thai curry made just for me by a special buddy. what is the male equivalent to the saying special lady friend? hahaha. very nice evening. watched the sag awards was utterly confused by it the entire time. betty white you my girl, ho. fo sho.
look what i did. i enjoy obsessively tidying up after myself killing time until the next task. a lot of a type personalities are like this. total sickness. don’t worry i do not make a habit of this shit. feeling the need to clean up psychotically to make your partner love you more is desperate and sad. guess how many times i used to do it all the time. cleanliness is a buffer.
i was proud of this. the american runs the dishwasher for like three cups and a bowl. madness. typical american. i had three cups of those instant starbucks jobbies. i like them. very easy. will start doing that now and kill the planet until starbucks is synonamous with wal*mart.
jesus so angry. kind of scary in a psychic’s crystal ball reading of my valentine’s day future if it doesn’t go the way i want i will be standing in my room staring into betty‘s eyes. they are very nice and soft to squeeze like a tension ball i can tell the foam core is similar to some orthopedic pillow stuffing.
dude relax! ok here’s what the cute and clever copy on the tags read:
a monster named betty
when watching sentimental movies with her friends, betty is the only one who doesn’t cry. she’s a “realist”.
she’s made in toronto and is organic hippie nerd approved. alrighty i asked for two so i could give one away. so, who wants a betty? what sad bastard chick like me out there with anger problems and quite possibly other mental ailments needs a litle pick-me-up in the mail care of aunt raymi? ***tell me why in the comments i should send you a betty*** so we can be betty friends wow is this gay or what and you know what i’ll open it up to dudes, you have feelings too right? somewhere in there. say it don’t spray it. you have until saturday.
thought about going to the roundhouse saturday night but it was a $600 ticket for a japanese festival dinner of some sort. hmm, that’s a little out of my price range and i don’t care enough about it to make calls and make it happen. we went out for cheaper sushi elsewhere on queens quay.
dreary out there. i was warm up in a cloud smoking clouds the wifi was out (i unplugged the jack a bit oops) i obsessively cleaned the condo lovingly did the dishes worked on the bed took a lot of photos of myself, enjoyed the vitamin d from the sky and all the window light cos i know i don’t get enough of that, i’m a bit of a hermit and adventurehouse is also know as curtains place, swathed in weatherstripping i literally live in a bubble wrapped room. quite cozy though.
snow queen. i have no idea why people try to tell me they like my dark hair better like i asked (please shut up already or write it in your nerd journals i’m fucking busy)(this guy de-friended me over it! he’s the one who started it and got rude then personally attacked me).
taking photos like this is a trip, back to the old school. is it good? we soon shall see. it has actually re-ignited my fondness of photography and if these are in fact any good then we know i am skilled.
skilled and beautiful. i have my poses down pat. melodie said she doesn’t pose, jokingly as i was taking her photo and she was posing and i said well do you want to look good in a picture or not? up to you.
this part of my outfit is the hunter from red riding hood and robin hood. did robin even wear a hood? no he didn’t he wore a stupid fucking peter pan hat. get it straight dickheads. we’re now in denis leary stand up phase. speaking of stand up wait’ll you get a load of what happened at the rivoli monday night.
these cups aren’t big enough for the insta brew. i drink my coffee in this big cup melodie and lucas got at her brother’s wedding (congratulations adam and olga june 20 2010 thanks for the mug i get more out of it than those kids do) as well as a cheers pint from boston.
i wore oatmeal aa tights over my brown leggings and my big drapey sail shirt. steph loves the story about me wearing it on a windy day riding my bike up huron against the wind already battling up hill i was in hell it sucked then i blew super fast through the intersection like an actual fucking sail no one saw coming. it was hilarious. hell, then hilarious. that would be me.
the american almost punched out this piece of trash. we were a classier version of these drunken wastoids blabbering in the front row, those bottles on the table are their after-carnage, they were totally drinking all day long. then the last comic said i was really chatty during his set we wanted to leave for but stayed to be polite (how canadian) and i was like oh no you didn’t, i go, oh, are you calling me out? in a snarky sarcastic voice that makes you want to punch me in the face and it kind of ruined the rest of his set. whatever man the entire fucking night was a gong show everyone was loaded and intense, sloppy and genius. the guy also goes oh, YOU have a bottle of wine. ha yeah that’s right motherfucker we also had a half litre before it. (the american doesn’t know what a litre is).
so once the drunk girl said to the metro comedian that he likes to take it in the ass (ten times)(gay slag not cool) my rage boiled over and i said ok honey you are so trashy, that is SOOOO trashy and you! to the guy, your hair is too stupid for how mouthy you’re being right now and he goes i haven’t said ONE word (bullshit they were loud talking through the entire show, 4 comedians before that) aggressively towards me and then the american gets up to punch him and then it was a mob scene of people everywhere. wasn’t it great! i liked that i had my grandma’s rich girl kercheif on and smug bottle of wine on the table. i don’t normally go classist but if you hate slur then you best be prepared to get put in check, bitch guy i will guttermouth you in to next week. then i was worked in to various comedian’s acts then it was all downhill from there and i was “talking too much” hero to zero, that’s how i did.
prior to that everyone in the room took turns telling them to shut the fuck up, fuck off, be quiet, super yelly too. everyone knew it was coming it was just a matter of who would claim the prize. your hero did not disappoint guys.
i had the quinoa salad, we shared the chicken curry roti (still the best) as the wookie balls. i decided on everything because i am controlling like that and know how to do everything the right way. it’s not bossy really i just feel that if you’re going to experience a place you’ve never tried before, have the best of what it has to offer. have the best experience always. why settle for less? i am not a settler. this is why i am going to die alone on toronto island in my crazy lady garden with long white gandalf hair pretending i’m the spaced out chick from the robber bride. she hugged her lover with an egg in her pajama pocket from her henhouse and it crushed, she was going to make it for him for breakfast. um, darling much?
i look like a quebecois countryside apple farm family restaurant danseur. yes they actually exist, culled from personal experience here. you’re welcome for the schooling. this post is super longgggg ughhh.
i hate that i missed my tmr today. they have me by the nards. i’ll post my assessment pictures soon. i look visibly upset in them. it was the day i cried about learning my weight. how can i look like this yet weigh so much?
the jerk store called and said they were running out of me so i gotta go now. to burnoutington. to grab my longboard. i am requested for an audition. they need another queen west skater girl. if i get it i go to chile to film the commercial. so this means i have to get my passport photo taken whilst in the west i’ll go to the same place i went to last time and go have a tan while they’re being developed like last time and i’ll scowl like last time, my hair is the same length i can totally look like me 5 years ago except skinnier in the face.
i’m such a priss i use baby wipes for my no no place.
tony says he gets goosebumps when he reads my blog.
can you see the raymi?
wearing that kerchief was a dumb idea. made my head all fat. meh.
what is this shit, a sitcom? yeah, pretty much. ok i think i am retiring “pretty much”. say good bye.
mom you so obviously do not cook anymore, this is how you tie an apron?
A for effort.
posh takes over.
trying to get through to my mom is like trying to talk to a brick wall sometimes. she has severe ADD.
firecracker gloria punctures the coug biosphere, a most welcome addition. she cut me off like crazy to talk about all her crazy things it was funny. the most unattractive facial expressions i have on are when i’m chewing and trying to pull faces at her blabbering. backfire. you win this round gloria.
taking orders. my server helper could not read my chicken scratch. maybe if she’s nicer to me next time i’ll write more legibly.
there’s a tv up there so if you’re bored out of your mind next time at my boom party then you can look at it in-between being cougar prey and made fun of.
gloria had her own purse hook. of course she did.
that hot hunchback over there would be your darling hero.
what am i making? who knows.
goin’ zen.
i belong in a parisian patisserie, non? i would also like to highlight how much of a team player i am.
i said to muffy whilst motioning at a customer in a banquette booth, i slept with that guy and then steven (cameraman) busted up laughing, caught it over the mic. we pretended not to recognize one another. he was with a younger girl, also, he is bat shit crazy.
all day all night long every time someone learned she was my mom they were delighted and melted. i used mom as a shield to make colombia be nicer to me. you can’t be mean to a kid in front of the mother bear. my mom would throw down for sure.
this was a very fun day. some days you aren’t sure about, you may take for granted how severely fun they are, then one by one everyone trickles in their feedback. overwhelming consensus is once a month coug crawl. next time there will be an army of us and it will hopefully be warmer.
there’s billions of back and forth chatter on my mom’s facebook regarding all these photos and the night out i wouldn’t even know where to begin selecting what to post here. the guys we met later on said it was hands down the most fun night they’ve had in toronto in the entire year being here for work.
why does my mom get to have a tinier head than me? is it because your head shrinks as you age? her face is bigger and wider than mine, hers is square-shaped mine is heart-shaped. yes it is a competition. she is 5’7 i am 5’8.
do not forget to inform your cashier at any three BOOM LOCATIONS about the RAYMI D(iscount) List. lemme cover your tax. also you can follow BOOM and tweet about your brunch and they will tweet right back atcha if you were requiring attention for some reason or other (hey, we all do).
