the following is partial-satire so don’t lose your cool ok.
Dear Raymi, you stung me a little bit. I just wanted to know why and how come I found out via your blog you were finished with me?
Now if you know who I am and who I hold court with you can get any and all ideas of which posse members I am referring to when I say about a month ago i piledrove a friend of mine like she was a cat in heat and I have never seen a fountain like that before, though I’ve never been to DisneyWorld so. Err, this is a little hard to write because it’s going against the conservative Toronto grain. I just don’t know what happened or when, but, it seems people are mellowing out and getting it on all around you. With each other!
When we go out for a night, I know that without a doubt, I must come out on top if I want to get laid this evening. I must dress better, look better, and be on my game.
Women beat men population-wise so we have more competition. This fact is made apparent when we go out at night. Suitable men we’d consider giving it to are few and far between and what’s more is they don’t fucking approach you. I am going to start referring to myself as butch aggressor because that’s how I feel when I speak to men. I am a completely different person now that I’m not engaged anymore. When I moved back to the city I would pick up a dude, a fucking stud top notch, DAILY. A new breed of woman is on the rise, men.
Not yet named but, for now we’ll call us “girl players”. I, am one of these prizes. A girl player is a mid-twenties urban force to be reckoned with, she is successful, coveted by marketers, parties, pr, events all that stupid fucking garbage. She’s fucked someone you love, someone with influence, money. She doesn’t fall in love because she has no feelings. Her real relationship is her career. She is focused and determined to beat you other women, and men, without question. It was a man’s world until we ate most of you and the other contender big players out there in our peer group, achieving as much as we do, do not exist because they followed the rock dream or make peanuts in whatever plebian creative field they went after. sorry.
I started feeling crazy by the tenth dude, a total ten, I picked up and was trying to juggle/manage along with the famous rock and roller with the enormous wang, the hot teacher, the hot famous indie professional, and so on, it was just, too much. I realized these semi-relationship entanglements were getting in the way of true love, destroying my perception of it. I was trying to pin down man players, multiples of them, at the same time. My ego knows no bounds.
So I lost my game or something and one by one I let them all fizzle out. I became human again. I focused on myself and my work instead, then I became a fucking animal about that.
Sometimes I forget that part of my career is hugely focused on being hot, being a parody of a person, with lots of platinum hair white teeth and sex. There are others like me, we hang out. When we go out, we get to use our notoriety to do whatever we please. It’s ridiculous. We never admit to competing in the business world together but in man world, in the jungles and dancehalls, after a long fucking bastard work week, I am going to fuck everything in sight and blow off steam all over that prey. If I can snag it first.
weird bubble day. snow shuts it all down. the night before it like christmas eve. we went to mitzi’s and we drank. i cannot wait for winter to be over and to blame everything on something new.
the chicken rotisserie at easy, on spelt. we loved this spelt. soon i’ll be getting my hands on some spelt bread at shasha for the family day tour of the factory. oh and before i forget/unrelated, erica come to saturday boot camp with me. it’s $25 bones. anyone else game let me know. i missed my session today and james got wicked pissed at me for it though i thought my colleague canceled it for me. he did not. tell me, when someone says to you in text at 8am “i canceled the gym today” do you interpret that to mean FOR YOU or “i took care of it” ? yes. me too. thanks for agreeing with me. if i get in shit from one more fucking person i am going to take up monster truck racing (passengering) and ride over garbage and houses be totally destructive until my contact rage passes.
did i tell you we are naming all of the rooms in advhaus yet? i’m telling you this because we haven’t named the dining room yet. the hallway is called amazon river.
it’s windy like a river and long and scary and things might bite you and pull you under (down the stairs) i wonder if our cheese boutique platter will be ready in time for this saturday night (our jambo at salvador darling) please do come, it will be the first of a monthly series of adventurehouse on the road parties. my room is called tickle trunk grove. the livingroom is partially known as curtains place. FACEBOOK INVITATION LINK
you are seriously mistaken if you think it’s not going to be slammed. no one’s shouted out a dress theme yet but you know me, i like to bring it in the attire department and don’t you know melodiva also likes to kick it. ooh maybe she’ll go as jenean, the mean babysitter. super mean.
oui oui. ok i just figured it out, it’s lady night a la revolutionary road and if you make one mad men reference you can fucking forget about it right now. real life shit only.
look it’s me hi i am cute it’s true, we can talk about it. i’m open. sometimes i feel bad for people who get conned into looking deep into my scandinavian wood wife good looks i know it’s coming and then SLAM right in the face what a eye scoop. i know it should be an eye scoop but i’m really trying to drive the stupidity personae today. then steer it right into tomboy jerkoff. they’re pretty tied.
home made thai curry made just for me by a special buddy. what is the male equivalent to the saying special lady friend? hahaha. very nice evening. watched the sag awards was utterly confused by it the entire time. betty white you my girl, ho. fo sho.
look what i did. i enjoy obsessively tidying up after myself killing time until the next task. a lot of a type personalities are like this. total sickness. don’t worry i do not make a habit of this shit. feeling the need to clean up psychotically to make your partner love you more is desperate and sad. guess how many times i used to do it all the time. cleanliness is a buffer.
i was proud of this. the american runs the dishwasher for like three cups and a bowl. madness. typical american. i had three cups of those instant starbucks jobbies. i like them. very easy. will start doing that now and kill the planet until starbucks is synonamous with wal*mart.
jesus so angry. kind of scary in a psychic’s crystal ball reading of my valentine’s day future if it doesn’t go the way i want i will be standing in my room staring into betty‘s eyes. they are very nice and soft to squeeze like a tension ball i can tell the foam core is similar to some orthopedic pillow stuffing.
dude relax! ok here’s what the cute and clever copy on the tags read:
a monster named betty
when watching sentimental movies with her friends, betty is the only one who doesn’t cry. she’s a “realist”.
she’s made in toronto and is organic hippie nerd approved. alrighty i asked for two so i could give one away. so, who wants a betty? what sad bastard chick like me out there with anger problems and quite possibly other mental ailments needs a litle pick-me-up in the mail care of aunt raymi? ***tell me why in the comments i should send you a betty*** so we can be betty friends wow is this gay or what and you know what i’ll open it up to dudes, you have feelings too right? somewhere in there. say it don’t spray it. you have until saturday.
thought about going to the roundhouse saturday night but it was a $600 ticket for a japanese festival dinner of some sort. hmm, that’s a little out of my price range and i don’t care enough about it to make calls and make it happen. we went out for cheaper sushi elsewhere on queens quay.
dreary out there. i was warm up in a cloud smoking clouds the wifi was out (i unplugged the jack a bit oops) i obsessively cleaned the condo lovingly did the dishes worked on the bed took a lot of photos of myself, enjoyed the vitamin d from the sky and all the window light cos i know i don’t get enough of that, i’m a bit of a hermit and adventurehouse is also know as curtains place, swathed in weatherstripping i literally live in a bubble wrapped room. quite cozy though.
snow queen. i have no idea why people try to tell me they like my dark hair better like i asked (please shut up already or write it in your nerd journals i’m fucking busy)(this guy de-friended me over it! he’s the one who started it and got rude then personally attacked me).
taking photos like this is a trip, back to the old school. is it good? we soon shall see. it has actually re-ignited my fondness of photography and if these are in fact any good then we know i am skilled.
skilled and beautiful. i have my poses down pat. melodie said she doesn’t pose, jokingly as i was taking her photo and she was posing and i said well do you want to look good in a picture or not? up to you.
this part of my outfit is the hunter from red riding hood and robin hood. did robin even wear a hood? no he didn’t he wore a stupid fucking peter pan hat. get it straight dickheads. we’re now in denis leary stand up phase. speaking of stand up wait’ll you get a load of what happened at the rivoli monday night.
these cups aren’t big enough for the insta brew. i drink my coffee in this big cup melodie and lucas got at her brother’s wedding (congratulations adam and olga june 20 2010 thanks for the mug i get more out of it than those kids do) as well as a cheers pint from boston.
i wore oatmeal aa tights over my brown leggings and my big drapey sail shirt. steph loves the story about me wearing it on a windy day riding my bike up huron against the wind already battling up hill i was in hell it sucked then i blew super fast through the intersection like an actual fucking sail no one saw coming. it was hilarious. hell, then hilarious. that would be me.
the american almost punched out this piece of trash. we were a classier version of these drunken wastoids blabbering in the front row, those bottles on the table are their after-carnage, they were totally drinking all day long. then the last comic said i was really chatty during his set we wanted to leave for but stayed to be polite (how canadian) and i was like oh no you didn’t, i go, oh, are you calling me out? in a snarky sarcastic voice that makes you want to punch me in the face and it kind of ruined the rest of his set. whatever man the entire fucking night was a gong show everyone was loaded and intense, sloppy and genius. the guy also goes oh, YOU have a bottle of wine. ha yeah that’s right motherfucker we also had a half litre before it. (the american doesn’t know what a litre is).
so once the drunk girl said to the metro comedian that he likes to take it in the ass (ten times)(gay slag not cool) my rage boiled over and i said ok honey you are so trashy, that is SOOOO trashy and you! to the guy, your hair is too stupid for how mouthy you’re being right now and he goes i haven’t said ONE word (bullshit they were loud talking through the entire show, 4 comedians before that) aggressively towards me and then the american gets up to punch him and then it was a mob scene of people everywhere. wasn’t it great! i liked that i had my grandma’s rich girl kercheif on and smug bottle of wine on the table. i don’t normally go classist but if you hate slur then you best be prepared to get put in check, bitch guy i will guttermouth you in to next week. then i was worked in to various comedian’s acts then it was all downhill from there and i was “talking too much” hero to zero, that’s how i did.
prior to that everyone in the room took turns telling them to shut the fuck up, fuck off, be quiet, super yelly too. everyone knew it was coming it was just a matter of who would claim the prize. your hero did not disappoint guys.
i had the quinoa salad, we shared the chicken curry roti (still the best) as the wookie balls. i decided on everything because i am controlling like that and know how to do everything the right way. it’s not bossy really i just feel that if you’re going to experience a place you’ve never tried before, have the best of what it has to offer. have the best experience always. why settle for less? i am not a settler. this is why i am going to die alone on toronto island in my crazy lady garden with long white gandalf hair pretending i’m the spaced out chick from the robber bride. she hugged her lover with an egg in her pajama pocket from her henhouse and it crushed, she was going to make it for him for breakfast. um, darling much?
i look like a quebecois countryside apple farm family restaurant danseur. yes they actually exist, culled from personal experience here. you’re welcome for the schooling. this post is super longgggg ughhh.
i hate that i missed my tmr today. they have me by the nards. i’ll post my assessment pictures soon. i look visibly upset in them. it was the day i cried about learning my weight. how can i look like this yet weigh so much?
the jerk store called and said they were running out of me so i gotta go now. to burnoutington. to grab my longboard. i am requested for an audition. they need another queen west skater girl. if i get it i go to chile to film the commercial. so this means i have to get my passport photo taken whilst in the west i’ll go to the same place i went to last time and go have a tan while they’re being developed like last time and i’ll scowl like last time, my hair is the same length i can totally look like me 5 years ago except skinnier in the face.
i’m such a priss i use baby wipes for my no no place.
tony says he gets goosebumps when he reads my blog.
can you see the raymi?
wearing that kerchief was a dumb idea. made my head all fat. meh.
what is this shit, a sitcom? yeah, pretty much. ok i think i am retiring “pretty much”. say good bye.
mom you so obviously do not cook anymore, this is how you tie an apron?
A for effort.
posh takes over.
trying to get through to my mom is like trying to talk to a brick wall sometimes. she has severe ADD.
firecracker gloria punctures the coug biosphere, a most welcome addition. she cut me off like crazy to talk about all her crazy things it was funny. the most unattractive facial expressions i have on are when i’m chewing and trying to pull faces at her blabbering. backfire. you win this round gloria.
taking orders. my server helper could not read my chicken scratch. maybe if she’s nicer to me next time i’ll write more legibly.
there’s a tv up there so if you’re bored out of your mind next time at my boom party then you can look at it in-between being cougar prey and made fun of.
gloria had her own purse hook. of course she did.
that hot hunchback over there would be your darling hero.
what am i making? who knows.
goin’ zen.
i belong in a parisian patisserie, non? i would also like to highlight how much of a team player i am.
i said to muffy whilst motioning at a customer in a banquette booth, i slept with that guy and then steven (cameraman) busted up laughing, caught it over the mic. we pretended not to recognize one another. he was with a younger girl, also, he is bat shit crazy.
all day all night long every time someone learned she was my mom they were delighted and melted. i used mom as a shield to make colombia be nicer to me. you can’t be mean to a kid in front of the mother bear. my mom would throw down for sure.
this was a very fun day. some days you aren’t sure about, you may take for granted how severely fun they are, then one by one everyone trickles in their feedback. overwhelming consensus is once a month coug crawl. next time there will be an army of us and it will hopefully be warmer.
there’s billions of back and forth chatter on my mom’s facebook regarding all these photos and the night out i wouldn’t even know where to begin selecting what to post here. the guys we met later on said it was hands down the most fun night they’ve had in toronto in the entire year being here for work.
why does my mom get to have a tinier head than me? is it because your head shrinks as you age? her face is bigger and wider than mine, hers is square-shaped mine is heart-shaped. yes it is a competition. she is 5’7 i am 5’8.
do not forget to inform your cashier at any three BOOM LOCATIONS about the RAYMI D(iscount) List. lemme cover your tax. also you can follow BOOM and tweet about your brunch and they will tweet right back atcha if you were requiring attention for some reason or other (hey, we all do).
who likes sex? who liked sex ed? how un-fun was that? imagine going back in time and discussing all the shit you wish your secret whore teacher would say to you in grade seven. my teacher was italian and unwed at thirty. i hope to god she was not a virgin.
this was the first time i ever got my hands on that infamous pussy buffer and it almost sanded my pants off, those costa blanca jeans are already paper thin as is the magic wand brought them pretty close to sayonara town.
it’s actually a back massager then one day a frisky chick decided to take matters into her own hands because her husband sucked at getting her off. i am just kidding i have no idea who the first woman in history to masturbate with a power tool was but she gets my salute and clit at full mast.
look, lets be honest here. i am not even going to pretend anymore it is quite possible that i have a sex addiction slash problem. i don’t see it as a problem, it’s healthy i think, but what i mean is for the sake of this feature i’m not going to pretend that i am not a giant pig who could put the most disgusting perverted player asshole to shame if it came down to it.
lipstick vibe with a purple light. so darling. yeah you can borrow my lipstick my makeup bag is in my purse. i hope you have dental insurance for all the teeth you cracked using my horny-to-go lipstick.
meet Carlyle Jansen. i have never seen anyone suck a cock so cavalierly and without a hint of sheepishness before it was as seedy as folding laundry in the summertime sunshine in a whimsical meadow.
the rabbit. that thing has so many bells and whistles. one day i will have an arsenal of toys. for now it’s ole neutrogena facial scrubber massager that’s powerful enough to buff out car dents and um, i really hope my dad doesn’t read this post.
the focus of this workshop was sex toys and carlyle kept it pretty tame, she did combine a little bit of head 101 nearing the end which was awesome and greatly appreciated. i want to go to the full on raunchy S&M workshop so i can maybe become a dominatrix and make a shit ton of money before i become old and busted seahag looking. my body is my business tool. why the hell do you think i work out 3/4 times weekly?
you’re supposed to let the rotating beads do their work and not grind them down so the motor shorts out and let the rabbit ears tickle your little man in the boat oh wicked i get to use all the funny clit terminology i’ve accumulated in life. this is a great ah-ha as well as HA HA moment. doing geometry or learning about magnets in school oh miss teacher how will i ever need to know about isosceles triangles when i’m out buying green peppers at the supermarket as a mother? i seriously asked a question like this once during math class which was met with a you’ll see, it WILL be useful to you one day lauren and i 100% get to call bullshit on that because i spent my early friday night evening watching a woman teach me how to fuck myself with various household objects for my career and not once did we discuss isosceles triangles. not once.
when someone comes at you with a vibrating dildo like this i think they mean business. it’s $90 straight if you come in there with your RAYMI15 discount so no tax. i am going to obsessively pore over all the toys when i’m finished this post and select my favourite, if you have any recommendations put them in the comments and we can sext each other about it.
i tested the motor of every single toy passed around on my crotch and yes i lined it up. i don’t think visiting a sex shop on the fly and doing that with all toys on display would be appreciated much less allowed so when you go to your workshop party with your gal friends make sure you do as i do, as well as what i say. in fact, you should probably stop whatever independent thought you may have left and just leave it all up to me for how you should live your life from now on. casie so wants to fuck me in this picture.
melodie had the best outfit on, she had this baby green (that’s why i love it so much it’s a baby colour hue) sweater cardigan. i just texted her and said i am thinking about her and her lady outfit she wore friday night and she was basically a sexy tree and now that’s my new term until i next forget it. i’ll tell you what i am thinking at the time of holding this and the photo being taken and what i am thinking is wow i really want to put this inside me.
this one is amazing it looks like a computer mouse and it has various vibrating rhythms like the shiatsu chair at the mall with those balls that go up and down your spine except this is for your clit and labia area.
i pointed out how much i loved that the purple rabbit matched tara’s purple outfit. she has great style. it’s nice that the placard on the wall also is purple-toned. there was a purple water bottle across the room i kinda wanted to add to the shot because i am anal like that. guess who is wearing a purple shirt right now writing this post. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEEEAN!? (i also just used the word anal in a non-sexual way in a post about a sex workshop).
sex sponge for when you’re on the rag. ew “on the rag” but yeah haha i asked if you could just go to dollarama and cut up a big sponge. carlyle poo-poo’d that one. i couldn’t tell the difference between the types of sponges though it’s probably super hygienic and safer to use these guys though personally when i do it on my red tide i like it to look like a massacre when i’m done, crime scene nightmare. i keeps it real.
if you have a loose pussy put this thing inside you. wear it all day and practice your kegals, squeezing it. there’s a weight in it too that counter-balances your movements and bounces up and down within and you get tighter the more you do this, more control of your muscles and then you can have drunk sex with all the sloppy tiny limp dicks you want because you’ll be able to grip city. not to brag or anything but i’m wicked tight already so i don’t need this. maybe once i have a kid i’ll need it. insert hot dog down a hallway joke. ps. carlyle has an amazing finger tat, see? she is cool man.
then carlyle drew a star trek spaceship looking vagina diagram beginning with the dots. we have three holes. the pee one and the um, fuck i forget already good thing i took a to-go diagram. melodie didn’t even know that we had three holes down there and she knows everything.
then we watched the most graphic up close video footage of a chick having a mind blowing orgasm, we saw her cum and gush and wow, i forget what the terminology is because i was too busy making many disgustingly hilarious jokes at the time. she came this oozy white substance as well as trickle gushed dad PLEASE STOP READING THIS IF YOU ARE ahaa.
there was like a village of people working on her it seemed. i asked if we got to see her face. i think it’s safe to say i was the most immature and vocal person in the room.
she makes it look so easy. melodie looks like a stunned little boy. tara is straight loving it. i wonder if any of these chicks were secretly turned on by all this.
so limber. i bet she fucks like a perfectionist and you’re left afterward in your sweat and tears of euphoria and she is like, ok next. or you’re having trouble climaxing and she comes back with this completely technical explanation of why you can’t achieve orgasm YOU’RE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HEAD FOCUS ON THE RELEASE GOOD GOOD NOW KEEP GOING and so on.
oh my god ok are you ready for this? everyone choose your favourite flavour. mel and i chose cola, everyone else chose strawberry though i don’t know what tara chose i will ask her on facebook and come back here with the answer when i have it. it’s important. i take this shit very seriously.
that is how far i could deep throat my condom down the shaft. disaster. unacceptable. i assure you my deep throating skills are way better than this on a real dick cos you can thrust in flesh cock way easier especially when you aren’t in a room full of your friends. casie got hers down all the way also red condom looks way sexier than my gross clinical beige looking dome. hahaha one of my friends has a fetish for brown pantyhose on women i bet he is hard as a rock right now looking at my sad deflated looking masterpiece.
i have zero clue what this was about. carlyle taught us how to put a condom on with our mouths. they don’t teach that in sex ed therefore you know it’s a super slutty skill.
no matter the girlish squealy commentary i was screaming out at the time of this knob licking, carlyle didn’t once break form. do you know what it’s like making eye contact with someone while they perform “the dolphin”?
i think you really need to experience it for yourself. i bragged about my deep throating expertise and carlyle was like tell me it, so i did, then melodie was like mmhmm sister and offered up her wisdoms on how to take it.
so pretty and housewifey and smiley and ladylike haha. now all you have to do is just keep smiling and be obedient and you will be able to please your man like so. there’s gotta be an eating pussy workshop i think all men should be forced to take one.
and if you don’t want to swallow that spunk you perform a technique called the harmonica and just let it fly out like a supersonic projectile arc of love sauce willy nilly wherever you like. some people in the room said they enjoyed swallowing. i said fuckin’ no way i spit that shit back out onto their stomachs hahahah. swallowing is earned. if they’re about to cum i just time it so it fires up their nose HAhahaahabhahahaa then walk away and light up a doob. alright already hurry the fuck up i got shit to do.
you become comfortable in this uber welcoming space super fast and all the tits and cocks become no big deal. it’s really an ideal precursor to a fun girls night out of debauch and take it to the grave activities.
the boutique downstairs and we were totally kids in a candy store except chicks in a dick store. i bought liquid silk and these. my weekend companion said they were the best underwear he has EVER seen and most favourite underwear he’s ever seen. ever.
ok brosephs thanks for staring. if you want me to come along for comedic relief with your gaggle of slutty friends to a workshop someday i am more than game. if you don’t need me, and you don’t, then go try one of the other workshops, there’s many to choose from. i can only imagine what it would be like to sit in with the cougs for a workshop. i would die. absolutely die. also, don’t forget you have all of february to use your RAYMI15 discount on any and all merchandise for sale in the store, we all know how expensive sex toys are across the board so this is a really sweet hook-up. let me know if you buy anything so i can add it to my future bragging list (you know i will) that i’ll one day drunkenly use to my advantage whilst networking with someone i am trying to convince to advertise on my blog or sleep with. same thing pretty much ahahhaa.
good for her was founded in 1997 and i know they’re the real deal amazing because in 2000, the same time i started my blog, i was interning at a quarterly women’s magazine and GFH placed an ad in every issue and i was always mesmerized by this cult-like seeming body of women in our city and they inspired and empowered me to BE raymi the minx on those messageboards and be proud of this brazen big mouth ray of sunshine that i am and passing GFH on harbord there’s just this cosmic hippie annex-type of energy the structure emits, it is special and it is good and carlyle does a lot of good for people and i think that’s a solid and should be applauded. she’s in a league with sue johanson absolutely. anyway, that’s my little personal gfh-related anecdote not to be all feminist lesbo about it (actually, FULLY to be femilezi about it). ps. carlyle called it good for her to avoid the whole WOMYN/WOMEN fiasco that feminists started. i asked if it was for when a chick snaps one out really good someone points and says GOOD FOR HER! carlyle was like um, no. what can i say, all me all the time.
these are perfect housewife dish gloves i will buy britt a pair. my brain was overwhelmed by blue banana it was like shopping inside my brain. mecca. i am bringing my niece here.
almost bought one of these for adventurehouse though would probably hang way too low in the hallway and i’d want pink and they might not like me turning this place into a hello kitty palace.
the underwear i bought received approval. butt cleave to the max. if you go to good for her to buy yourself a toy or anything really, books, so many goodies to choose from via my RAYMI15 coupon code you get a 15% discount. that post is coming up tomorrow and i cannot wait to go through the photos. monday sex toy read how nice am i for getting you off? i booked it out of there as fast as i could i was um, do my homework.
ears pierced. white gold guy. little girls were laughing at me in claire’s. i was clutching the bear and sweating profusely. melodie said aw you’re a grown up now. yes, yes i am.
and these are scattered too. one is neither more or less important than the other no matter how skinny and cute i look in most. my mom looks like a little kid eh, that’s my thumper vest. it was a hit last night. thumper deked through the urban forest posing as prey, never slayed. oh man this is gonna be one of those posts i can already tell. i hope my computer doesn’t heat up and die before i’m through.
we held it down at the keg. i snagged an optimum spot dead center of the bar. then the place filled up. we held court. i might repeat that we held court many more times so sorry in advance. that’s my new diamond necklace. i go through so many so fast. my secret spot is shoppers. yep. i think i’m going to splurge on a new swarovski hello kitty necklace. why the fuck not right? exactly.
from left to right, lois, sylvia, tracey. the placement of the po po cruiser is amusing to me. guess how many hooker jokes i made last night about those two white coats. ten.
this picture is amazing. the cougs came by convoy. how awesome. the coug council decided that it’s going to do this once a month. let that be rule. bangs gavel.
i knew my mom would take a photo of these. we have the same taste. she loves all of boom’s decor. she’s a secret martha stewart home decorating nerd. don’t get me started on being dragged to the design center or home show, marilyn dennis on round the clock even went to a taping of the show when i was really young. she made me ask a question on tv and they aired it and we have it on tape i always started crying and ran away shyly to my room when they’d put it on the vcr at home noooooooooooo! i have never been able to sit through my valedictorian speech either i fumed in the basement of cedar grove with my fingers jammed in my ears while the entire family viewed it in the tv room. some celebrities cannot stand seeing themselves on film, not saying i am a celebrity but i kind of fully get why i might make you cringe.
haitham aka coug prey oh man was he ever a hit. this one regular boom custie slut named gloria (who’s like 80?) was all about him. you’ll see pics of her later she is an awesome woman and obviously i am joking about the slut thing but she did front like she was a player back in the day. we got her ripped on a mimosa with us and then she emailed me by the time she got home and we were out man cruising. gloria you are amazing and i hope i bump into you again soon.
cheers chicks. see there’s gloria on the end there. every time we ambush boom and film cook it all the custmers become exceptionally curious, get in on it, or shyly watch me.
lois had the threesome. i said it was too early for dick. posh said it’s eleven somewhere. i laughed. then i laughed like hell and we huddled cackling together. man yesterday was so fucking fun.
i accidentally referred to steve as sideshow bob in an email exchange, well it was intentional, the accidental part was forwarding that exchange to him and probably re-mentioning it now. he was cool about it and forever signs his emails as sideshow bob. we did a lot of talk before in the past for his weekend pictures thesis or whatever that was. you can see me calm cool and collecticated (and smart) on those blast from the past vids shot at green room and i have black hair.
he also has three hours of my blythe tattoo footage. we’re filming on a barter system. every time i need him for something i will then owe him 24 hours access of filming me. raymi documentary. yah guy.
christine dropped in. lured into our coug den. she saw my mom and i interacting before she left and i was like THIS is the reality show and she goes it really fucking is, i see that. what were we even arguing about? oh i told her not to fucking tell me how to pick up men. mom ruined my game numerous times last night. those guys went PHOTO BOMB behind my head and i was like, ok fine it’s still ok to say that but pretty close to being dead.
here i am telling posh that yes i will be cooking her brunch she was a hard-sell on that one so i hit her where it hurts, wallet. if i don’t cook then you’re paying for your lunch.
i’m pissed off about something here. my stupid fucking blackberry. text me how to get my email icon back i’d say email me the instructions but then i wouldn’t be able to open the email. also hilarious if i lost my email icon last nite. here is my card, you can’t call me nor is emailing me going to help. so old school. i stopped existing. also my laptop DID overheat and died on me. i was fuming. so i took a bath.
holy shit i look like my dad. he has the vacant emo smug above it look in all his highschool photos. cool surfer stoner vibe. uh dude what, you talking to me? go easy.
i was too hyper and impatient to bother going down to the bathroom to look in the mirror to get my apron tv-ready so i got posh the perfectionist to dress me while my nails dried. it takes a village to raise a raymi.
i guess i coulda been a model eh. i photograph tall. good one mom. this one guy at astors thought we were all gold diggers. fyi these chicks are all independently wealthy but anyway as my mom and i were up at the bar and i was arguing with her about how ADD she is this guy goes uh oh the russian gold diggers are here ahahah as we were all swathed in furs and glitz. those guys were yanks and they joined our gaggle, in withdrawal of chatty social butterfly good time types.
karly tweeted that she eye-spied raymi i would have retweeted it but my stupid blackberry dilemma. it was also kind of nice to have a break from that a bit but uberly more frustrating to not be able to text back properly and 24 hours of it is actually totally having an affect on how i write here argggh. not posting the photo of us cos i look stupid in it. we’ll have a do-over.
planned photo pose by the fire so we could talk to these dudes. mission accomplished. here is how the play went down. things happen very quickly in meat market bar pick up world you have to be very impulsive before you lose your nards. i go out for a toke and see my target(s) go back to wing girl one and wing girl two, mom and lois, i say to lois ok grab some of my cards i don’t have pockets we’re taking a photo by the fire, mom, you follow us (already waiting camera-in tow) we single file two chevron spaced apart me leading, i let lois by-pass and whisper to my mom to pose with me and give lois the camera. it was seamless. immediately the men offer to take a photo of the three of us, the one you are looking at above and then the conversation flows. they all get my card and while that play is going down another one is in the making because there’s a cluster of other men i need to infiltrate. i do and thanks for the drink boys we’ll talk. ps. yes i look like a total penis in this photo.
there’s always a few latch key dudes but that’s cool cos they hover your stuff and babysit it while you get hit on by other hotter men and then they take photos of you which attracts the other men. this is all very orchestrated and very much so intentional. one duo of men in particular were watching it all go down, could not at all accept that my mom was my mom and then pretended to have seen me at some speed dating event. no you did not. most of all he was beguiled by why all of us were even there i started to explain boom and how these girls go out together all the time and then i just simply said fuck it we are here doing the exact same thing all you men are doing except we’re more organized about it. he was struck dumb and impressed. i said we’re beating you at your game and he nodded, in thorough agreement. we killed last night. then we went to jack astors and then the library bar at the royal york. next month i vote jack astors first then maybe ki.
ha ha. my mom said she watched the kardashians for the first time the other night and said if it wasn’t for these two dudes fighting on it the show is boring. we are way more interesting. but they have more money mom.
i bbm’d this to my mom’s friend there is no chance he’d think it was her she would have spelled it all wrong. it’s a quote from devil’s advocate, pacino says it to keanu in the end. this guy is asking about her recent past being sickness. as if he cares he just wants to know what the girls are up to.
ok time to beautify. we’re going to good for her in a couple hours for a sex toy workshop i have many ladies on board i feel like kristi of the babysitters club except i hated her the most cos she was a jock bossy nerd. these are my sex toy posse ladies: tara melodie britt casie alicia christine beverly me. i hope i get a good toy for the road.
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unsolicited advice award of the day goes to nathaniel anderson:
Hi Raymi,
The secret to your personal well being lies in becoming a nerd. The people you hang with are too cool and it is hurting you on a deep level. I can see it in your eyes.
enough dick’n around i have to get a boom apropes outfit together that will also be queen bee alpha bait. i’m sure i’ll come up with a good one. come by or send someone my way today 808 COLLEGE STREET 2PM and see me do my thing. i might be less in the kitchen today so i can gab with the girls more. i am so excited to see them i haven’t gone out their way in too long (like two weeks? i am a baby) and i like that they’re coming to my turf. my mom already broadcasted on facebook that her outfit was boots and jeans. um, right. we’re filming again today so if you want your face involved for your own selfish-promotional purposes i will gladly share the stage with you. then thundersteal it back. as always.
i also am stupendously irritated by my blackberry biting the dust. when one thing goes wrong, everything does. if i type u a message missing ‘e’ all over it please try to be a good message decoder, also, don’t make fun of how i am writing to you like a shakespearean asshole, instead of saying ME i have to say I AM. so in lieu of “come to me” or something i have to say “i am coming, to you i am”. you’re like uhhh what? exactly. i can’t type the word email or email me. (throws phone into sun).
