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The EMOtional Room

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5410708155/

this is what i look like after crying. this is defeatism. only pussies cry. am i a pussy? no!

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i reduced my overall body fat by almost 3%. i was like aww that isn’t very good at all and james goes what are you talking about that’s incredible! my arms are actually trimmer too and today as i write this i am even thinner than these pictures of me where i think i look kinda fat. everyone at The Motion Room makes fun of how i dress. james says some things i wear make me look way bigger. ok you’re a fashion expert too now?

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moment of truth.

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i was trying to keep it together, i wouldn’t have cried if everyone in the room didn’t get all dotey and put me in the position where i could get away with crying and soak up some pity party like the diva people think i am. i sweat off makeup profusely enough as is on camera i cannot afford to cry on top of that.

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i do look more fit though right. this was awkward. poor james had to keep it cool while i wept. see how people get head fucked about fitness and their bodies? GO LIFE!

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that shirt is wicked tight tensor-esque so i bet i was way smaller in the chest speaking of, WHAT chest?

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i despise my arms so much. they got smaller. i forget how much but i’ll ask.

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i look like a potato.

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i had to excuse myself to go have an actual diva freak out in the changeroom.

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i sat there like a pathetic turd and then james came in to give me a pep talk, said never weigh yourself (at my dad’s i’m ten pounds lighter on that scale) and then i just erupted in micromachine man speed delivery I WORK OUT 3 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK, LATELY 4 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK! AND I GAINED FIVE POUNDS WHAT THE FUCK JESUS CHRIST and so on. then just sat there with my fists in my eyes. total tantrum. how was that moment for you james?

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immediately followed by the world’s most awkward ultrasound haha. hey can you do that to my uterus next time to get a head’s up on my cycle?

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emoface. i asked my colleague if i looked like shit or like i had been crying in the photos (i am very, extremely, exceptionally, neurotic) and he said no but i looked upset.

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my red towel red pants ensemble makes this look even weirder. confusing. that’s gel on my body.

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your personal trainer becomes your therapist and confidant. kash said sometimes it’s the only physical contact people ever get for days on end or ever when i said oh you must get people telling you all sorts of shit. a client like me is ideal, as i am a motor mouth.

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lovely lovely i cannot wait to get my roots done next week.

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today on the elliptical before my weights and twenty pound jacket that looks like a riot vest, i was thinking, all this stress i battle daily, my looks, my writing, striving for perfection so that i can get more money by landing more and bigger deals, to make lots of money, will i be happy then? what the hell am i going to do with a lot of money? someone i know was told to prepare themselves for one day becoming very wildly rich. can you imagine doing that? so as i was motoring around on my torture device i thought yes it is worth it i know that these lies of society are horrible things but in the end i will be milling around some third world country with money to spend and time to be away from the internet and modern day bullshit. that is my goal. to become the exact opposite of everything i am doing right now (i’ll hang on to the physique though) to be a better charitable person with zero stress. i’d like to see the world.

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jury’s out on who is right about what and where the fat is on this thing. i thought it was the top layer, which has shrunken since my initial assessment.

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it was thicker before. my fat arms. sigh.

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what a little goon.

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i killed this. i beat everything i did, everything matched and topped. megatime.

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right near a shoppers. one of my top ten fave haunts.

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wicked chin. if you are a competitive person in any way shape or form you will love this shit.

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good way to release all my toxins. there’s tons of them. thrice weekly.

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i improved here too but i was in mega torture after the bike. do you like how i was able to escape from the north pole like that on such short notice?

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also if you like feeling euphoric well, giddy-uppa.

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it’s true, gym rats get buzzed on adrenaline. jeff and i finished more or less about the same time, you kind of lose the ability to give a shit about stuff for a half hour it’s great. has done wonders for my depression.

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weird pear shape body i have never seen it look like that before. the tensor shirt and looser pants, i dunno. i have no explanation. what did i do the night before, more like ,what bar did i drink?

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in my fat person’s version of brad pitt in fight club torso definition line you can see my longboard bail scar.

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sucking it in here.

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here go nuts i have no idea what any of this means and i don’t want to know i am still scarred. thank christ it’s a skinny day today or i’d blow some shit up.

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turkey necked but more or less cute enough.

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when i get upset i pick at my ears and go into la la lad. i really am borderline retarded, i honestly think so.

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i reuse these all the time. buy one fancy water and pose like you are an elitist, be amazed by the results!

ok skid rats i need to sort out who i’m taking to the medieval fair ball. everyone seems to be irrevocably useless tonight. if i bring a dude will that be annoying? why bring sand to a desert. hmmm. i will be wandering around like donnie darko with my NOLA cat mask wearing all black, actually way more like creepy tom cruise in eyes wide shut. amazing. yes i am. i need a cape. no way only nerd virgins wear capes. should i bring it and shell out on a major major dress?

tomorrow is another tear at the motion room i heard casie is bringing four people. insanity.

buuuuuuuuhyyyyyyyye!

24 thoughts on “The EMOtional Room

  1. You look awesome, and that’s not meant to be patronizing, it’s hard to see from your own perspective cause you’re so hard on yourself, but I am actually inspired by your success and hope I can look that good someday!

  2. super fit, super blond, super cool. ppl hate because you are better then them. do not get obsessive, accept how awesome you are.

  3. yes you are super hard on yourself, like most perfectionists are
    You know how when people see a shrink, they want to stop going because they run out of things to say…
    Well I think you should have a field day on your next session
    about perfection and body image issues
    give him the goods and let him work for it giving you some solutions.

  4. 3% body fat reduction is amazing. I am not patronizing you. You’re doing awesome. I am inspired by your progress.

    I agree with your mom about talking about body image issues. I’m sure they see it all the time and probably have some advice/suggestions that might help. I know it’s not easy to work on body image issues. For sure we are all our own worst critics.

    I think if you do weigh more it’s just because of the muscle gain. All those super toned/ muscular people probably weigh a lot more than you’d guess.

  5. Lady, I should send you a picture of my fat ass and you will instantly feel like a glamazon… seriously. I am verging on Biggest Loser territory here and it’s mildly embarrassing (it’s really embarrassing). I’ve been seeing a trainer three times a week since October and doing cardio the rest of the days (if I’m good) but I’ve only gone down 20lbs (I have to do this a million more times) and my trainer makes me feel like a giant fail on a regular basis, but I’m pretty sure my metabolism is dead. I have to agree that I would have a shitflip if I had to be measured like that on a regular basis so your diva moments are totally justified!

  6. When do you lift weights? I see no pics of squats/deads/press/curls/rows/

    you look great from here…

  7. Raymi, you look bangin’! & you can visit me anytime in the 3rd world…although even being here I can’t ever rip myself away from the internet…addddicctttteddddd!

  8. I always gain weight when I work out! It blows but muscle weighs more than fat and you’re super fit so own it. I hesitated to buy a scale yesterday and realized it wasn’t worth the tears.

  9. those days i look gross ill get my colleague to come on a weights day then. i work out 3/4 days a week we can’t shoot them all this blog would die an instant mega redundancy death.

    today after eating a castle i woke up to a six pack. magical six pack lined with bread pudding and negronis. mmm. go tmr.

  10. No one is perfect, even the airbrushed models we glamorize. The more we worry about our weight and stress about our imperfections, the more reserved we become sexually and the less beautiful we feel. Opening up your imperfect self to another is the first step to true intimacy and acceptance.

  11. everyone always says “muscle weighs more than fat!”, but I’m like you and obsess over the actual #s. Not healthy, not healthy, but sheeeeyit I’m obsessive too. blerf.

    that said, losing 3% fat is REALLY good! our scale at home has a built-in fat % calculator, it’s cruel.

  12. Long ass comment:

    Raymi,

    You seem to be mimicking my life when I was your age. (I’m guessing your in your late twenties based on how experienced you seem, but don’t take that as an insult since you look not a day over 24. I have no idea really.) I’ll be 42 in three weeks. I can hardly believe it. I’ve never mentally aged past 25, although I think I’m wiser thank god, since I too, am neurotic. Especially about my body and looks. Recently I got a gig writing and coaching for a friend that started a company (I’m no longer working for them, but helped them with their initial beta program. http://www.setweight4life.com) It’s kind of gay, but the point is that I learned A TON about weight gain that no trainer and no weight loss book really covers.

    I dated a trainer at a gym when I was 25 and I was a competitive rock climber for 10 years, so I had to take care of my body. However, as I got older (30 – 35) I was drinking more and had been a boozer most of my life, and noticed that I was gaining weight instead of slimming down no matter what I did. I figured it was age. Then I learned that as you age your liver gets “sluggish” and stops removing fat as easily from your body. Basically your gall bladder/liver/ and stomach bile are out of whack and no matter how little you eat, or how much you work out, or well you eat, you don’t lose weight much. It also has a lot to do with stress and brain activity.

    As I learned to relax (more yoga, less hard core cardio) and drank less (a difficult thing for a girl who loves her whiskey) I lost about 15 pounds like it was nothing. Since then I gain about 5 pounds here and there when I get stressed out or start drinking alot, but as long as I monitor my stress levels, drink less, do more yoga .. I slim down again.

    And just so you know: I WAS A HUGE KID….I’ll dig up my fat pictures just for you and blog them (give me a week to scan them all) …. I was 5’5″ and weight 140 pounds. I’ve worked hard to get down to 120 – 125. I seem smaller than I am in pictures, but I have a very round belly that sticks out and men comment that I am “not as small as I seem in pictures” (to which I reply thank you very much and fuck you.)

    As for arms – I HATED MY ARMS FOR YEARS!! It wasn’t until I was about 27 that my arms finally got muscular, but I did a lot of work with weights and one day the muscles popped, so keep up the arm work! It will pay off.

    If you have the money/time/access….the best thing to do is go to a Natureopath and ask about “sluggish” liver, and find out about your cortisol levels (stress hormone that is in your spit, they do a spit test,) If your Cortisol levels are normal that’s awesome, but I’ll bet they are a little out of whack.

    The idea is to get your body to believe (in your brain) that you are not in “fight or flight mode” meaning when the body gets stressed out it things it’s being chased by a saber tooth tiger, when it’s not. The brain cannot decipher between perceived stress (in your head, or working out too much) and the stress from a threat on your life. Which means it will hold onto weight as a defense mechanism.

    It’s crazy. When I learned this and started to do less hard core workouts, and more workouts that calmed my body (walking instead of running, and yoga instead of all weights) I started losing weight and to this day I can monitor my stress and get my body to shed.

    however – I still think weights are important for a woman, especially as we age. The more muscle you can build the better your body will lOkay – kiddo – I think your the bees knees. You’ll get your money and you’ll be on that island someday. keep thinking about what you want (not what you don’t want) try your best to keep that eye on the carrot. Little steps to success pay off.

    ook at my age. I kept a ton of “muscle memory” so it’s easier for me to stay in shape, while all my friends get fat. (poor things)

    Okay – I’ll stop bugging you with this stuff, but if I were you I would take a deep happy breath, know that you are gorgeous (and really, you are looking fine fine fine) …. and once you find a way to calm that mind, you will see your body react in a positive way and shed those pounds.

    Love and hugs. zz

  13. @zigzag– i so want to love yoga because i want to get more flexible but i love high impact stuff more. i have recently been trying yogilates (pilates and yoga combo) as a way of working in some yoga. we shall see if i ever “convert” to yoga.

    that is interesting about sluggish liver. eventually under enough stress the adrenals do give out. i had high cortisol for years (from dealing with chronic insomnia and other health issues) and didn’t know my cortisol was messed. my cortisol levels then dropped so low i had to go on replacement dose cortisol which i still take now. eventually i will wean off it when my adrenals recover.

    you only really hear about cortisol as being the “fat” hormone that makes it hard or impossible to shed abdominal fat. you don’t really hear much about adrenal exhaustion. exhaustion is totally inevitable if you’ve had high cortisol for years.

    i can’t relate to the drinking because i don’t drink at all for health reasons but unfortunately at this stage i am on meds that have weight gain as a side-effect. so i have to burn — get this– 800 to 1,100 calories per day (6 days per week) just to maintain my weight. it’s nuts. i like cardio but c’mon that’s brutal.

    can’t wait to get fully better and get off the meds.

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