Don’t put diesel in a Ferrari
my new friends BOOM invited me over to their St. Clair hood for breakfast the other day. i never eat breakfast, come brunch i am having a jogging pants party alone on the couch knee-deep in internet and a bodum of organic coffee (the only stuff adventurehousehold allows to be ground round these parts) which i am actually doing right this very second.
so naturally i was a bit ughhhhh a sober food review in the day. awesome. whatever man i’m british and when we british eat, we drink, which is probably why i don’t eat during the day. colleague was all, so this is going to be the first sober meal i said not exactly i’m stoned. no guilt here, i’m an artist, that’s how we do.
they have a bar afterall. i don’t drink during the day i am a go-getting businesswoman always hustlin’ so if i be cocked then that day, one less savvy email necessary writ will not be and i get further behind in the never ending rat race. funny how i said i was an artist and a businesswoman. i am both. i am the creative and the HR and the intern.
you need to eat during the day if you’re gonna build your empire.
part of my raymi voodoo is my gift of gab. right now i’m being my dad here. i reference him a lot (mom don’t get jealous!) when i have meeting of the minds visionary meals. i know i give a lot of secrets and tips away, i don’t feel like anyone would ever put them to practice anyway.
if i were to describe “the personae” of what is raymi, her traits and attributes (and shortcomings) obviously mirror my own, all the negative stuff like always being right and having the last word. raymi is always right, you think you’re right but you’re wrong, look at the comments. people can rely on that. multiply it by ten years then people start to get it.
tony is owner of another well-known breakfast diner all you hipster skid nerds know about. he wanted something, something for his own crowd, baby boomers. discussed it with someone and said what if i called it boomer (i love that idea) and they said what about boom? also good. when i learned this i said omg my dad would love that. see a void and fill it, build the niche and they will come.
here i am being pissed off about something. what did you do???
everyone in my comments is getting crotchety about my having a photographer in-tow to these things. guys, do you think i am going to fucking sit there extending my arm out while eating elk tartar and lobster all nite long like an idiot in a restaurant alone? do you want to see this experience or not? sometimes i bring a date sometimes i get the busboy to dine with me because i am a loser. if you believe that then you must not think very much of me. thanks for hurting my feelings see what you did?
and it doesn’t matter who it is does it? maybe the mystery allure is part of the scheme YES BECAUSE I AM SCHEMING YOU DONT LOOK DOWN NOW AND SEE ME PULLING THE CARPET OUT FROM UNDER YOU OMFG RAYMI GOT US AGAIN! that’s what a few of you whiners sound like all the time. i am babysitting whiners day in day out over here jesus people give me a break stop busting my balls.
tony asked me if i was jewish and refused to believe that i wasn’t. maybe it was the messy bun and the diamonds and the mannerisms. he was not coached at all. i couldn’t even respond i found it so funny. my mouth was a breathless O for fifteen seconds.
no, i am french canadian and british and recently learned some possible scandinavian which explains my dad’s blonde hair and mine. i was born blonde.
no idea what the punchline of this is. i will ask if no one can figure it out.
i just had a vision of myself in the kitchen there cooking. i think i could hack it. tony offered during breakfast rush are you kidding? i said i was a terrible server and he said yeah i can tell that you weren’t meant to serve. i said tony would fire me in a heartbeat. not true, i am pretty good but after awhile not really. boom’s philosophy is we are here to serve you. simple. which is all you need in breakfast culture. it’s not about them, it’s about you. tony has a lot of sage business wisdoms i memorized everything he said.
he tells all employees that they are coming into his dream so you can basically get lost if you think about comin’ in there with diva’tude. yeah there is no chance in hell i could ever work there haha.
i said i would hit the kitchen or bring water that’s that. maybe take orders. i am never carrying trays no way my arms are too jittery and shaky, i refuse to learn cirque du soleil stacking tricks i am not a mule. which makes service take longer then everyone hates you because you’re not rushing like a slave. this is why i quit central. my fancy little daddy pants (in my family we rip each other in patronizing funny voices) said about me working at central that “it’s not for you” as in i am a little elitist princess. ok i miss my dad now i am going to b-town to give’r tonite.
i look like garbage. i figured dressing up dinner styles extravagantly for breakfast would be too outrageous. next time though i have a funny idea. so i guess this is me “keeping it real”. diet coke in a glass bottle tastes worse. regular coke in a glass bottle tastes better. strange.
as you may know, raymi the minx began in the forums of vice magazine back in the year 1999. you’d think that would be a nerdy thing or something but no. disagree. what were YOU doing exactly in 1999? dancing to jennifer lopez? bahaha.
sidenote, tony has high ambition for the boom rooster logo to be as big as the playboy bunny logo. i said put the waitresses in playboy outfits then, timed it for when one of our waitresses came with something to our table. she was stunned. i said i could sexually harass all the servers if i wanted to THAT’S WHAT RAYMI DOES.
when rob talks shit about vancouver he does it as mr. toronto so people get mad at that guy instead of rob when those are actually rob’s opinions coming out, not mr. toronto’s. smart. raymi is accountable for all the stupid things lauren white says and does. amazing. brilliant. i shoulda made myself more aware of this online personae monster i created years ago.
this cup is backwards, or it’s a left handed mug. the print should be facing outward like so but the handle is on the left. here i am trying to maneuver this awkward situation. i pulled through but only by a hair. i had a lot of help, it was difficult, but i persevered in the end. tiniest handles ever. delicious coffee by the way thank god i haaaaaaaate bad coffee sometimes it’s the only thing i’ll stubbornly consume for hours. a bad cup of coffee can ruin your entire day like the morning i woke up in deep river ugh (wait’ll you read that bomb next week on street carnage) but anyway i had two double americanos WITH SOY and they were delicious. this pleased me. big thumbs up.
photographer’s gotta eat too.
looks like someone is fallin’ in love over there. how terrible for him. ha that is one of my catch phrases. this is my bill clinton visits the front lines of mcdonald’s impression. guy at the bar behind me (boom bar start marketing that tony) laughed like crazy when i said that. he was having a beer watching the teev kinda ignoring what was taking place all around him (raymi happening).
i bring up vice magazine cos gavin (one of the founders) always harped on boomers, how they ruined the world with all their selfishness and now my generation is paying for it essentially and now boomers are doing this forever young thing so they will never go away they’re holding on for dear liiiiife. as much as it stings he’s right. tony is the same age as my dad, borderline boomer. my dad got really mad when i pretty much verbatim told him what gavin thinks about boomers.
my family is going to have to get used to me referencing them. osler said a quote about how when a writer is born into a family that is the end of that family. i said that to my dad and he laughed, agreed. i think they should just look at it from a stand-up comedian perspective always telling little stories about their lives and kids and girlfriends, whether it is true or not, usually is, they’re not dogging their parents just highlighting the funny bits about these people right? it is hysterical because it’s relatable.
i’m eating the Niçoise salad fyi (the menu is incredible, varying, lots of healthy choices too and very appealing for kids) – albacore white tuna, asparagus, olives, sweet potato and hard-boiled egg in a balsamic dressing. don’t put diesel in a ferrari. only healthy food should exist in the world eh? take away fast food, un-invent it and humans can start living longer again, healthier. if people are going to crave healthy food you have to make it good and appealing. i’ve had a few crappy Niçoise salads in my past, you know it’s going to be sub-par fare in a pub when everyone around you is ordering deep fried fish n chips, roast beef au jus, glistening thick cut french fries mmmm but then your shitty salad comes out and there’s a gross green ring around the hard boiled egg yolk, rusty mesclun, raw vegetables, just curbs absolutely nothing and makes you grouchy the rest of the day and you end up picking at other people’s grease anyway. food fail.
that salad was amazing. the nicest freshest hard boiled egg still warm! that has never happened before. there is always a green ring and weird shit everywhere. the albacore tuna was high quality too. the sweet potatos thick match-sticked.
this guy was feeling the raymi energy check that balancing act.
you’re all on RAYMI’S D LIST (discount, they’re even going to make a special button) make sure you tell your server at any location 808 College Street, 1036 St Clair Ave W, 174 Eglinton Ave W that you’re on raymi’s D list and if you’re not an a-hole and tony’s around you might get some special treatment too READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
so bill clinton replete with sweat stains. i asked if you could get a tan through a window, they’re like yeah duh i said i am bringing my bikini next time then. seriously my face is darker today cos of that hour. check hairdo at the bar, he’s keeping the dream alive.
tony gave me a sixer of cokes so nice and he’s also really funny and maybe borderline kooky, you kind of have to be to be an inventor of something right? you have to not only convince yourself that the thing will sell but everyone around you. every product out there has a team of people around it living eating dreaming that product like its own cult, that certainly makes you crazy after awhile. you’re a guru, one of those evangelists, a christian rip off artist. anyway you know what i mean, you have to be kooky to be a success. the straight and narrow there is nothing to be enticed by.
i always magically match my surroundings. toms shoes emailed me i would die if they gave me shoes for my party, for all of you. i feel like oprah’s favourite things episode when people lose their minds haha so disgusting and cannot look away.
note taking. maybe i will auction this off, are people into that stuff am i famous enough for that yet? i have sold underwear before.
weird but good. kind of hurts and confuses my eyeballs.
lets have a toast for the douche bags.
i could call orders. omg a stress jolt just seared through me. i still get stress reactions when i think about central. healthy much?
i picked up tony and carried him ten yards. hahaha kidding. no i’m not. just kidding. i don’t even know anymore.
i like this. circular logos are inviting and comforting. some restaurant marketing guru freak must have looked into that. i guess that restaurant marketing guru (consultant!) might be, me? i mean, i am totally going to die alone eating in a bar anyway. i texted that to five hundred friends yesterday while eating alone in a bar. in-between meeting up with some people.
filling but not overly. i ate it all because i am filling the void.
why am i eating like a hunched over orphan?
tony said to be like the fish mongers in seattle (they wrote a book, one of them did anyway). i interpreted it to mean like in kensington market all the fish guys yelling at you to buy their fish, competition down the street, be the better fish monger. tony actually meant that they ARE the best and they do a whole show, throwing the fish to one another while singing and chanting, very dramatic, skilled. efficient. all that. so be that. be the best.
quite a motivational lunch and STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ME FROM BELOW OR I AM FIRING YOU.
tony wanted to make it clear that he feels 27 even though he is 50. i believe him and what a coincidence, i’m 27 yet feel 50.
i read tony some of my hater comments and dropped some of my philosophies which boiled down to raymi is always right. someone slagged boom in a blogto thread something like i dunno why people would line up for that place (boom has lineups, lineups means good business, good food, all of that no brainer shit) all snarky jealous like, so it must be competition posing as a customer or worse, if it’s actually some nobody troll that is pretty sad. you went out of your way to say that? uhm, do you not have a life guy?
i made the bunny costume comment in front of that chick. what, i got central to wear bunny costumes too.
i look pretty diner eh.
HIPSTER BRUNCH DREAM WIFE WHEN WE’RE DONE WE CAN RENT MOVIES FOR AFTER PUB PINTS AND A WALK THROUGH BELLWOODS OR MAYBE WE’LL HIT SOUNDSCAPES AND I WILL PRETEND NOT TO BE BORED OUT OF MY MIND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU IGNORE ME AND ARE OBSESSED WITH VINTAGE ADIDAS TENNIS SHIRTS.
my pics now. emilio sad this in my flickr stream about this photo Love it! Thank god there are people with an eye for design in the world. Wish that I had that kind of talent. he is a certified genius and totally one of those modern metro designy guys you know. you can tell by his glasses. therefore this comment is certifiable fact. he also plays the trumpet in a jazz band, or some other weird brass instrument. i just play the skin flute.
those are some good floors in there.
i forgot to ask if tony had these designed or if he found them at an antique store or something.
bathroom televisions very good, it’s the extras that impress. i can see employees gettin’ in crap for hanging around the bathroom too long.
however these were sourced they are brilliant. the era of this style of cartoon would be when boomers were babies. nostalgic. boom!
clever goes a long way with me it almost makes up for horrible physical deformities. almost.
don’t cry over spilled soy and no i didn’t do it. for once. i only break mirrors.
duuuudes meet you at like 3 ok i gotta party on skate forums for a few.
i can’t remember what it was i said but tony was like i have absolutely no idea what you are talking about and that is GREAT because that means there is an entire demographic subset of people you can put me in touch with that he had no idea existed. an entire culture, world, this world i call it, social media which unfortunately is a necessary nerdy evil.
crack it baby.
this was wolfed down before i even had a chance to steal a bite. i’m kinda thankful but also kinda mad.
tony’s greek salad wrap. i asked if he was ordering off menu. he was. diva.
tony’s giving me beautiful gift cards for my swag bags you’re welcome guys. on top of raymi’s d list.
i have no idea what is so jewy about me you’re the one with the business on st. clair guy. i asked if tony was jewish he said no, italian. i said oh no doubt wops and wasps work very well together. i think he’s going to steal that one maybe.
yeah i definitely need new glasses.
great scene. modern retro, dick tracy.
oh hi. friendly chap not the slightest bit pretentious or phony, i’m a quick study and generally have a good read on people.
are nonna’s in mourning forever or do they just really like black?
how adorably placed beside that cupcake joint. convenient. i can put in an order for something next time i go, everyone loves cupcakes and they are a dream to photograph.
that’s a wrap, boys.
YOU MAY NOW PRE-PURCHASE TICKETS TO MY PARTY ONLINE get ‘em now to reserve attendance. media guest list requests email: firstname.lastname@example.org