last night i went out as turbo lesbo. i was practising for tonight, which will be an epic shit show no doubt. we are going VVIP to the sound academy for CSS and sleighbells. i hope i don’t dance right over the balcony. why do i feel deaf already? toronto’s penny lane will have quite the interesting adventure post for you tomorrow. if only i had a crystal ball. taking teacher lisa courtney and her brother.
i want cheese so much right now. teacher wouldn’t stop talking about cheese for the rest of the night. after our failure of a meal at harlem underground we left feeling a lot better about ourselves and life in general after all the cheese we had at the drake thanks to my foodie jump rope ties.
cheese off. cheese masters. afrim, cole, michael. afrim was knighted by france re: his cheesexpertise so i think he wins here, just in showing up. however, maybe cole wins because he said his wife knows everything about me, that my name is in their household daily. YOU WIN I DON’T CARE HOW WRONG YOU (if by chance) WERE. then again, michael could win cos he makes great grilled cheese sandwiches (mid-post) but afrim builds cheese adventurehouses, tough call.
he was able to do it based on melodie’s meticulous (incredibly detailed) floor plan of adventurehouse. he said he almost gave up 4 times, it drove him to madness. guy try LIVING in it LOL.
teacher is staring at me like a lovesick puppy in many photos. he had a mysterious groupie somewhere in the room last night who we think we figured out and was kind of dismissive to me (WHAT F–ING ELSE IS NEW WORLD!)(mean girls who are mean because i look like a cupcake are predictably dour i’m sorry the teacher likes cupcakes!)(no i am not) but on twitter was fan-girling over him. SO bizarre. yet again will never link his twitter, been there, done that!
speaking of fan girling see mine here, but i am fan girling them (or just checking in saying hi whatever) but you see how mutual shyness ruins everything or we are all just spread out cuckoo equally? i know afrim is, that guy is awesome. i think i drank too much x-bold coffee (a pot!) today i can’t control what my fingers are typing anymore aggh.
what he didn’t know was that colleague had already thrown him under the bus when he mentioned raymi was coming. i think it’s fair though as i’m always at a disadvantage cos everyone knows me before i know them, or they hide that they know me then i go and talk to them like a regular person all insecure and shit.
today i am washing my hair for the first time since friday’s hair appointment. pretty good. pretty crimpy too. like this cabbage patch doll i used to have. did you know i was born the same year cabbage patch kids were invented? 1983. also same year as the chicken mcnugget. billie jean was the number one song. what am i a category in jeopardy? (yes).
this reminds me of the secret game we play blindfolded, then tell a deep dark (dirty) secret while everyone laughs at you at 4 in the morning ahahhaha.
that’s ivy knight hosting. she liked my outfit (dismissed me). i wore it specifically for her actually. truth. ahahaha. she is an old school foodist. respect.
THIS IS WHAT WORKING LOOKS LIKE. it’s funny following foodies on twitter, shit about wine tastings at 1, luncheons at 3, go life. i knew the cheese was cow’s milk and therefore could use the bovine but first an elusive beautiful nod to our irish temper buddies, emerald will suffice. i call this pairing of jamesons and 3 year aged cheddar EMERALD BOVINE. delicious. i know hockey players for some reason are into jamesons and pickle juice, the only time of which i’ve tried it i was already gassed so i’m none too sure if it’s any good, is it?
nice one. i was propositioned in this lounge last summer. had no idea until i blogged it. fool. i could have made some money hahahaha. lordy knows girl done give that shit away fo free howdy doo!
tyler got an introduction to my hell at The Motion Room and tomorrow we work out together. i get to exercise with a barenaked lady, i think that means i have arrived? nahh we friends, he lives in the naybe of TMR (the junction) all the cosmos have aligned everybody wins. happy times.
i know how hard this is (the worst ten minutes of your life, not as bad as inclined treadmill ugh) so i am very proud. guy is going to inspire so many. lives the good life like a king, i say you’re a celebrity you need a personal trainer so come get sculpted raymbo styles and he’s all, game on wayne (rayme).
i better watch myself tonight then, i remember what boozebag work outs are like, no fun.
ya let me see what you (though you probably have eyebrows unlike me now) look like after andrew is done with you. the uglier you come out of the trenches, the more alien-like sculpted your torso shall be.
can you talk about your BLOG VOICE as an alt to associate press boring normative journalism voice that we read daily in those subway papers, now, eye etc.
absolutely. i am queen of the one liner soundbyte and my insights, when i bother making them, are succinct and jarring. i eminem that shit. my tone is such that i kind of bully my opinion as fact and my illogic takes you on a magical carpet ride into didn’t see that coming territory. it’s escapist, absurdist and addictive. i feel wholely that my brain is cracked, it’s not right, well, it is it’s just missing a filtration skin that everybody else has and people like me can only exist by fluke creation, she says dumb shit but she’s smart, and ballsy. so what we have here is an idiot who does the thing, that nobody else is doing, then she writes about it. two actions are necessary for this BLOG VOICE.
the trick is though, when people think i am doing blog voice, i’m not. i’m actually doing book voice. i have spoken to myself in literary narration since i stopped watching lamb chops play-along (i watched it longer than one is ought to). i’m carrying toronto snotty urbanite affectation into the blog arena and unfortunately it comes across a little poisonously.
i made notoriety out of having relationships, various difficult entanglements with men, exploiting my life, feeling a compulsion and demand to do so. i can’t change who or what i am or what i want. i’m no more shallow than any of you, i just go for it and see how much i can get. do i not deserve it? sure. do you? totally. am i stopping you?
i am a mirror, i could be things you are not but want. teacher says i am beautiful and people make me out to be a monster in order to handle the reflection of their own monstrosity that they project on to me, so their shittiness broadcast then becomes my shittiness. i can’t tell you how many times battles come my way, they occur, not of my doing, it’s like i am a fight magnet.
i carry this all with me when i am writing. i write angry and i write hurt. it’s a bizarre thing i made of my life. i am surrounded by idiots constantly hahah just kidding. i’m looking down on the bk parking lot and i see morons trying to park all day long and when they slam into the curbs it’s hysterically awesome.
ok i will actually try and answer the question now.
the day i have to start ripping off other people to get attention will be the day i stop writing. my writing is its own art form, it’s gabliddy gook and i took (used) my brain then painted a destroyed bombshell portrait to look at while reading this je ne sais wtf? it’s only natural for the story to continue. we all need villains and something to aspire to. i am addicted to being driven and people are holding on tight along with me.
after these were taken we went out and had pasta. a lot. well, for me it was, as i never have pasta. teacher says it paw-stuh. ugh annoying. i think steph says it like that too and rye makes fun of her for it. rightly so sir! i told her i am in a marriage race with her haha lol. she is already engaged so, you know, i better step it up.
why do i land guys with a billion fucking animals always? suh-igh. there’s like a fucking castle of animals over there behind me. it’s fine. they all worship me anyway.
eating pasta isn’t worth it, i was in a full on carb coma while watching survivor. during though, it’s always worth it. dilemma. watching a j date go down was fucking best. dessert wasn’t necessary. we went to metro for whoppers (chocolate malt balls, bulk, bin# 10105, expensive!) and these no-bake peanut butter oat cookie things. we almost bought a nanaimo bar medley but realized we were turning into a cathy comic nightmare so we gave it a rest.
i am too afraid to move that pile of blankets crap over there cos of all the animal hair contained. maybe i am developing chest cough cos of all of it? my mom said she had this cough her last go around of illness and was prescribed a puffer, of which she never filled cos the cough went away. i told this to the teacher and he’s like, bubbye cats! NO! sighh speed faint down the stairs in eternal dramatic emotional empathetic sadness. the grey one is my friend. i’m like, who did THAT!? upon discovering puke on something, teacher goes, it was your friend. she cozies up to me ‘n shit. i like it. the other one, lady garbage, jury’s out on her. i mean, i like her skeletal frame come sacrifice when i pick her up but she looks like mangy cats i drunk cuddled in mexico riddled with fleas and eye snot. gross. ok this is not turning into animal blog again. not until i live on a farm at least.
hangover blogging looks like this. this was the art nude vision i had in mind when i first finally began topless photos on my blog, i was 19 (after having been blogging for two years). nerve.com (an AMAZING network) was how it all went down, early adopters of cool type shit, taschen (back when publishing meant anything), digital diaries, also back in disinfo days (i know people who started these dinosaurs). this is the shit that really paved the way on le web. outsider counter-culture documentation. making underground mainstream, total uphill battle. yeah guys i am hella oldschool you do not even know. people who pre-date twitter who are and always will be cooler than you still exist, do exist. they clash with social media storming their scene to date, i see it all the time and field it quite a bit. it’s frustrating for me personally because i am one and the same, yet i gotta dip my toes in both worlds but i certainly pledge my allegiance to one side more than the other.
it’s sad how far we’ve apparently come (yet haven’t) and are still so conservative (in toronto, canada). i get so many snarky remarks, from my own fucking friends, frenemies rather, about my nudity or using my sexuality as a marketable tool. it’s tame if you ask me, but because i for some reason seem to be still the only one still doing it (yawnbusters) i still have the tarnish. so silly. they tell you to play nice and appease corporate and i have done nothing but go against the grain for, years. over a decade and we’re all on the same page right now. so you decide who to go with. the cult icon or the sprinkling of start-ups, green around the ears guys, yeah you may have come from another line or gig or fuck whatever, but, you are not a trailblazer here, not an originator. sorry. firstsies! lulz.
look at that hair. good for it. say so long to that junky table it’s getting pitched. so sayeth the princess. help me decide on a new one on ikea’s site if you’re bored. not that i will listen. lisa says oval. i don’t want it too big to get in the way of dancing.
someone was pulling for a bumblebee outfit, the store owner was suggesting ladybug, but i liked raggedy anne best. it’s more disney-snow white like, princess innocent plus i saw a girl in a bee costume on halloween in burnoutington with black hair so it’s (bee) sullied now. this comes with a bonnet and red/white striped thigh highs. fuh-un. it’s a small and i’m wearing pants beneath it. go cleanse go.
public butter is gonna make a lot of money off teacher if he insists on slum drunking it at the caddy all the time (they be naybes). his wallet’s funeral. eye’s delight though.
now you know what my writing voice sounds like. trying to help you navigate the phrase craze maze. i am nice like that. i don’t always sound like a dinkhead like this. just most of the time. i say words funny and with weird accents, dialects, sometimes i go newf. most times i go awesome.
now we get to tumble back through it again fancy photo styles. brain think THINK how do we reinvent the wheel again, can it be done? it shall be done. nothing like a fancy lady day in photos on blogs while it’s raining out your office windows, wah.
a very important quiz right off the bat, i didn’t know there’d be a test! don’t worry i am a genius and prepare for stuff never. i got this. it was fun questions like, what’s your favourite pair, pbj or bangers n mash, fave twins? obvs i chose olsen twins and they WON the majority and i cheered my balls off.
time to get slizzard. their signature cocktail was acai berry juice and sprite-based (it’s fragrant like a bathroom candle tasting drink i made by accident once that everyone won’t stop making fun of me for). my second i asked for soda water in lieu of sprite, just like momraymi make’s at home! i can photograph recipes with my mind i quite literally am a savant in copious various ways not to horn toot but, i dunno, meet foodie bloggers all the time, one practically clothes-lined hawaii then Nus trying to get her way to my colleague (cb-ties) and i know they take one look at me like i know nothing about food and have no right in it which is infuriating as i am (persecution complex city) blasted by cuisine nerds time and again for my audacious enterprising resto features (the root complaint is that i am biased, we’ve gone over this before) the point is, i can replicate anything i see, taste, drink, with little effort. i AM a foodiexpert, but only because of my memory, not my palette. it’s because i know how to break it down mathematically and i know ok, that’s not true, my palette gets a little more credit here cos i can eat hot garbage and like it a la anthony bourdain in a shanty third world hovel. anywho…
i gave two pots of these to lisa, i noticed the one for dry skin had hardened and solidified (absence of hot lights?) but no it’s just that the texture of the lotion for dry skin is such that yeah, she got dry skin requires thicker product and your skin just soaks it up into nothing. the yang on the right is for dry skin. the yin is for normal. i guess in this circumstance one would want to be normal. oh snap.
they finish each other’s sentences he said. that’s cute. i always wondered if ice partners got down, i think the beginning of their speech was all about clearing that up, the rumours, i couldn’t hear it all though.
i spy Nus too. who is looking fit and hot like a sexy 80’s children’s book author, bit of robert munsch there maybe a sprinkling of fred penner too? am i wrong? i don’t know why i am into that weird big beard what is happening to me right now?
how can i be so down for mondays? i mean not down blah case of the mondays down(er) just, “ok” that it’s monday? i must be happy with life or something boring like that. yay.
