now we get to tumble back through it again fancy photo styles. brain think THINK how do we reinvent the wheel again, can it be done? it shall be done. nothing like a fancy lady day in photos on blogs while it’s raining out your office windows, wah.
a very important quiz right off the bat, i didn’t know there’d be a test! don’t worry i am a genius and prepare for stuff never. i got this. it was fun questions like, what’s your favourite pair, pbj or bangers n mash, fave twins? obvs i chose olsen twins and they WON the majority and i cheered my balls off.
time to get slizzard. their signature cocktail was acai berry juice and sprite-based (it’s fragrant like a bathroom candle tasting drink i made by accident once that everyone won’t stop making fun of me for). my second i asked for soda water in lieu of sprite, just like momraymi make’s at home! i can photograph recipes with my mind i quite literally am a savant in copious various ways not to horn toot but, i dunno, meet foodie bloggers all the time, one practically clothes-lined hawaii then Nus trying to get her way to my colleague (cb-ties) and i know they take one look at me like i know nothing about food and have no right in it which is infuriating as i am (persecution complex city) blasted by cuisine nerds time and again for my audacious enterprising resto features (the root complaint is that i am biased, we’ve gone over this before) the point is, i can replicate anything i see, taste, drink, with little effort. i AM a foodiexpert, but only because of my memory, not my palette. it’s because i know how to break it down mathematically and i know ok, that’s not true, my palette gets a little more credit here cos i can eat hot garbage and like it a la anthony bourdain in a shanty third world hovel. anywho…
i gave two pots of these to lisa, i noticed the one for dry skin had hardened and solidified (absence of hot lights?) but no it’s just that the texture of the lotion for dry skin is such that yeah, she got dry skin requires thicker product and your skin just soaks it up into nothing. the yang on the right is for dry skin. the yin is for normal. i guess in this circumstance one would want to be normal. oh snap.
they finish each other’s sentences he said. that’s cute. i always wondered if ice partners got down, i think the beginning of their speech was all about clearing that up, the rumours, i couldn’t hear it all though.
i spy Nus too. who is looking fit and hot like a sexy 80’s children’s book author, bit of robert munsch there maybe a sprinkling of fred penner too? am i wrong? i don’t know why i am into that weird big beard what is happening to me right now?
how can i be so down for mondays? i mean not down blah case of the mondays down(er) just, “ok” that it’s monday? i must be happy with life or something boring like that. yay.
woah hold up moon beams (under-eyes) what is this greenpoint? (brooklyn joke)(you wouldn’t understand, you aren’t very cool, it’s ok though)(no it’s not)(()()()help i can’t stop doing brackets. lisa disappeared into public butter after our disaster hangover cadillac drunk lunch afternoon appointment. we sat in sopping wet clothes progressively becoming more and more retarded (it was really fun)(we think?) and lisa described everyone’s outfits in the room and gave them appropriate celeb-ties, i think we had a mae west? i forget.
we lit the hello kitty candles. if i can’t live in the hello kitty mansion then i can build my fucking own. lisa was like, those are awesome. after i go i know, he’s so whipped right? she collapsed into the cadillac booth. the teacher thinks i am an eleven. pfffft haha.
the rain made my newly processed hair (toned) crimpy. i was full on skid revival yesterday bab-ay. hey raymi nice givin’er with ya is what terry put in my fubar book. le sigh. then i recited a passage about benders to teacher as we were walking back to the tower from a booze run. the second walk in the rain yesterday. it would be an insult to degenerates if i said that was what we were yesterday. i am starting to have blog stress nightmares now so i think one piss-up on a saturday is allotted no? after a cleanse? i feel tons better today, we went to bed early ok where was i was about to say my part about benders.
how long is a bender? how long is a piece of string? depends who’s fuckin ‘cuttin it. BAAHAHA. i interpret this to mean, if you’re a good pisstank or not. i know i am. too good. which is why i got to cut it the fuck out.
shitty weather weekend. great weekend to get loungers though cos once it’s finally good and solid summer gold you will all be screwed. i am pumped to have a summer buddy this summer. a teacher, no work til september. i said he is going to have the best summer ever. summer bloggins. he’s going to be my bitch intern. ha kidding. well he sort of already is. he doesn’t know any of this yet.
lisa’s like, what are you an easter bunny gangster? yes. i am. we died laughing at that, i know it’s so fucking wussy. i’m all yeah what’s up gobble gobble, trick or treat muh-fuckers! the easter bunny has zero sayings. ps i am in an easter bunny movie, that hank and mike one. i am fat and brunette in it.
you’re not supposed to have people over and have them see burnt wicks so you have to go around lighting those candles, it’s rude if they see them, i guess it’s cos like, oh, you started without me or had other people here? in etiquette world you can’t cheat on your guests with other guests you have to make them feel special like at the spoke club when the dude shows up with his wife even though he was there the night prior with his mistress, you greet him like you didn’t see that to blow his cover to the wife.
stole a bag by mistake. whatever. these things are just annoying to use anyway i tied one of the loops into an impossbile knot it has all my cds contained like a big clusterfuck pile scatter in there i want to just pitch it in the garbage entirely.
can you tell i am in a desperate housewives competition yet? is there a liberty village show like this yet? ding ding ding! lisa and i were strolling in the rain for the second time to get brews and i gestured to the houses all perfect and said what my colleague said from a friend’s father about the perfect trees planted in the perfect front yard plots, that god had so totally meant and intended for these trees to be planted right HERE and there. we agreed that i totally fit in or am taken for one who does, total phony person implant meanwhile if they only knew. fools. ha ha.
i need a tea room before all these girlish things can be collected. i started creating a huge bouqet of their faux flowers but thought better. get the big pieces first. how many are wondering if i am moving in.
i am letting it play out on its own and not doing it stupid this time around. eventually it will reach a point where sexy decisions will have to be made. WILL HE GET THE GIRL BEFORE SHE BREAKS OUT. bitch why i always got the mad dramz like dat?
art piece idea to be stolen by ikea: motorhome a crew to ikea to get drunk then drunk shop and decorate motorhome’s interior. dueling teams for the better space. motorhome necessary so everyone can get blasted and not have to drive drunk, save for driver who does not get to be involved in decorating decisions because will be sober, but can be used for decorating. the team who is the most drunk with the best motorhome decor to make it back to toronto (from the etobicoke ikea) for some whatever ridiculous event wins. there i just wrote your entire campaign you can drag out for as long as you like.
uncurled it and it looked like a cassette tape. i wanted to walk out of there with one looong plastic band and then ultimately (hopefully) have the bottle clank off the table to the floor dragging behind me a la napoleon dynamite in the back of the bus but fucking LISA cut it off.
duck quesadillas. teacher doesn’t like eating duck, the idea of duck (totally against foie gras) i say whatever. it’s linked to royalty and we all know i wanna bone a knight super bad so bring on le canard.
sent this monstrosity back. grilled caesar. you can’t do high-end because when people go to the caddy they’re going there to slum it and i was not in the mood to saw through lettuce, plus they went too heavy on the anchovy. i was like they must read my blog cos i can detect every single component in this dressing, it’s my exact recipe. anyway, i would eat that meal anorexic style (copiously, like make it the only thing i ate, once, daily) but not saturday disaster style and then even then if i was in the mood for a high end salad like this, it would not be at the cadillac, it’d be at the royal york’s epic, or bar mercurio. in summation, verdict’s still out. there’s burnt cheese and two pieces of bacon but the bread is rock hard and confusing ok this is pedantic bitchy and boring lets move on.
working on how intense he looks in photos, he’ll look good and i’ll go to shoot him and then he does blue steel or gets fidgety. it’s cute but all wrong. see how the chairs are all stacked. totally last shoppers.
i am getting a lot of mileage out of that one blue thumbnail. i should go get that bottle and other shades there’s new nail polish colours out now finally.
i came out and said not so ugly am i now eh! as before we were catching some air and i had a towel on my head and no eyebrows or make up and it was a little bit scary fugly.
i am never running to brennen ever again. bad idea. dumb idea. but, i learned i love running. crazy people run. who runs? lets run! brennen runs by the lake he said in the mornings so maybe we will run together. i ran with my purse in one hand and a vitamin water in the other listening to tunes. i ran by a homeless guy holding a cup out i visualized grabbing it marathon styles and raining coins down on my head. where is zach galifianakis when you need him? oh and yesterday alicia bbm’d me abut this tweet and said to write this shit down already and do stand up. OK ALREADY FINE! don’t worry i corrected myself afterward. what’s a sower?
have no idea what he puts in it (kind of do?) but it’s soft as feathers every time all over again. he wants to give me a trim. not ready for that yet. next time.
sorry i am your most disgusting client. brennen loves trashy girls so, i’m pretty much fine. i was sweating and beet red when i got there (i ran from dufferin) and my hair was hilarious (pebbles cute with roots) and he goes you are SO trashy. haha what? he means it as a compliment. i think. i hope.
haha check holmeslice behind me all cashed out in the delivery area, totally. everyone was all stress licking on their ice creams while waiting in line i provided far-away narration for all the normies om nom nom om nom NOM! keep licking and you won’t explode in rage. i introduced the teacher to the cafeteria and to my friend, heineken aka drunk shopping. he was all whaaaaaaaaat? oh yeah oh YEAH. my brother and i preach drunk christmas shopping like no other. mad mall anxiety yo. i was speed walking through ikea and teacher was like please can we slow this down a notch. NOPE. i’m a sprinter. WE MUST WIN.
i had showroom hair. price is right hair. the meatball lady was scary and yelling, super intense, i had low blood sugar and was shaking, pretty weak. i haven’t been eating. i think i am a little bit insane right now. i RAN to my hair appointment yesterday, also of which was a work out day.
haahahahaha they were almost out of food i cannot even tell you the tornado of meltdown that would have occurred had we been on the other side of the cut off for food point. it was very concentration campy, hostile. i turned to teacher (whoops i almost typed his name) and natasha came up behind me and started barking at people about meatballs and gravy and fries and i JUMPED OUT OF MY SKIN and then we erupted in nervous laughter. nice first impression to the food area. once i asked for heinekens after thankfully spying the sign for beer she liked us more. we had everything on offer, full on bulimia/survivor reward challenge meal times. i was so shaky i couldn’t carry my tray without it shaking and teetering the beers. that and my mom hair outfit, quite the spectacle.
GIVE ME EVERYTHING AND PUT GRAVY ON EVERYTHING. i had medallions cauliflower cheese puke in sphere cube form, two of them, spinach crepes (ew) and the lingonberry meatball mess hall slop dream dish mmmmm.
look how much i am a lady when i’m done i put my cutlery down to tell the waiter, sir, i am done. even though there are no waiters here. i learned that from a feature on etiquette i saw once. i know it all. you should not ever touch your face once while at the table, hair, teeth, no mirrors. basically be a statue of perfection and grace. of course, no elbows either.
oh my god. no words ha. my brains feel like they got run over by a dump truck, we stayed up late on adrenaline and crazy and new house things glee. i feel like i was put through a magnificent bender. no wonder perfectionists are always on edge and insane, building perfection is grueling and tiring and stressful. but it MUST be done. why? i dunno, to die of a heart attack and high blood pressure. wicked cool.
i belong on the price is right. man has that show ever gone down the tubes why can’t they just kill it? it’s so painful. we got two of these loungers with blue/white navy striped cushions.
this part was scary. apparently teacher got in a fight with someone over cart maneuvering while i was scanning candles. a guy was all, you don’t know who i am. yipes.
