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this post is going to be a retarded mad scramble of retarded. buckle up. you will get a taste of what it was like being me yesterday with ma moms. i brought her to her first event, raymbo styles. we made it out alive. in the picture above i am cruising around 9/10 of bitchiness. we stayed at the keg a little too long. i am done with my yuppie crushing.

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at le spoke club for the body shop duo new product launch. mom is a body shop slut, her beautiful young skin is proof so i definitely needed to get her in to this, was going to bring lois too but she couldn’t make it so i transferred her plus one to colleague’s name.

(if you want us to come cover your event fancy times email: alex at raymitheminx.com)

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i managed to not eat one cupcake, not a one.

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i started off on a bitchy note cos the tower is in a disarray and i had to get mom from ex go station and time it so she arrived a few minutes after my cab would meanwhile two long ass blog posts, no idea what to wear, gahhhhh. in the end i settled on a mime outfit with no underwear and a scarf for a coat, i knew i’d be sweating all over the place.

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everyone was uber lovely to me yesterday. i love SO pr those dudes bankrolled my (and my entourage’s) ass for new years eve weekend in montreal. holla at your girl.

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mom why do you post photos in this ridiculous order on facebook? do we have to look crazy in every avenue/outlet that there is? fine. more importantly, check me being checked out. i’m so shy, i see dudes coming eyeing me up from a mile away and my game is to look away at the exact moment where magic could happen, not that i was looking for it but all suits are the same to me after my keg experience i am over them. all married douchebags. yawn.

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i sent shawn and his date to sharon jones and the dap kings last night at sound academy (did you get vvip?) even though i love sharon jones myself a lot, i’m just, spread so thin like marmalade, i can’t do it all. while at the keg i was like this is bullshit we could be at the roosevelt room dranking it for free but noooooo mom has to hold court at the keg lol. agh whatever you won’t stop being socially relevant if you miss an event or two or three or four. if you sell out all the way then your blog just becomes a snooze show off of bullshit. where’s the story? you must keep it real, keep some real.

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these dudes (Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir) were so nice and pleasant. i walked away with my their medal on still. lots of people did. too funny. oh here you go, while passing my paper name card medal over haha.

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mom’s first time at the spoke club. i knew she’d dig that phone.

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love these. have tons now. we were so greased up (it’s not greasy it’s just, you put on too much at an event you don’t want it on your clothes) for the rest of the night and smelling great.

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walking to jack astor’s. it was shocking to me how light it still was this late. spring has sprang and sprung finally.

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i bitched out an alpha female yuppie at the bar here (totally deserved it) twice. i had had enough. mom said toronto people are mean. no they’re not mean they’re just fucking assholes and everyone is a touch more mental come spring i think. this woman though, ugh, she’s a regular at astors and i wouldn’t mind having another showdown cos i am psycho like that. i am addicted to teaching people lessons.

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guess which one i liked best.

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cupcakes are so hot right meow. what will the next foodie trend be, something simple and pretty and easy to mass-produce. cookies maybe?

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my mom is addicted to the financial district and photos all up in it.

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i think i need to be exorcised.

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my mom said the woman’s ass on the right, the difference between her ass and our ass is ours doesn’t fold/buckle like that when we walk. mean girl mom much?

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shawn and i made out in the street in front of my mom cos we don’t give a!

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kay see the woman at the bar there? after my mom and i’s bitchy walk over from the keg we sit down at this corner here and she’s all ooh oooh in this voice meaning, don’t fucking sit here, all passive aggressive like i’m going to sweetly chime in and say oops sorry i’ll move, you know in that voice that pressures someone else to give them what they want. raymi don’t play that. she was sitting closer to me when it happened and there was a dude, in her pack of friends that was sitting beside my mom, a row of four empty chairs none spoken for, so she didn’t like that these two cute blonds were separating her hoarding of space. i look at her and say I’M. NOT. MOVING. then turn back to my mom. alpha woman goes, ooooh, scary. you broke up a party. we ignore her, it’s NOT a big deal but she has some of the wind taken from her sail cos obviously nobody ever steps to this bitch prior to miss white showing up to throw down. so she moves away and her friend is grimacing at the awkward and kind of apologetic to us and i say you know, we just walked from the other side of town and all we want to do is sit. period. friend is down with that. THEN. twenty minutes later she comes back and i’m thinking cool an olive branch. not so much. she’s all, look, now (in teacher condescension voice) you don’t have to do this (oh really we don’t? you mean we have free will!?) but, this is ONLY a suggestion, there’s two chairs down the way over there (pointing to end of bar) now if you want to move over there you can… mom and i are looking at each other silently, poker face city…. we have more friends coming….she continues.

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i let the lady finish her bullshit, draw in a breath then say,

YOU NEED TO RELAX. YOU ARE VERY CONTROLLING, YOUR FRIENDS CAN MOVE AROUND US WE ARE LEAVING IN HALF AN HOUR! NOW GO AWAY!

she was stunned fully into shutting the fuck up and beat it.

my mom went wooooooow. LOLOLOLLOLLOL! i had had e-fuckingnough by this point. my mom drove me bananas all goddamn day (love you!) and seriously we’re like basically at the go station we have very little time here and this fucking alpha beast is hassling us. twice. you do not own this corner of front street, you may be a bar fly wine slut regular and be important at your stupid company but you are not the boss of everyone in the real world so deal with it. my mom read that women are like this to other women all the time, controlling and competitive and they won’t stop and they don’t care which was fuel for me to rip it to her good. in another universe if she didn’t try a stunt like that we’d be networking and i’d have said something smart to her when she was talking stupidly about twitter (wrong) and given her my card and maybe kissed her ass to see if i could get a deal out of her.

then a guy in her party (not an actual party, they had a boardroom meeting. HUGE!) started flirting with me from across the bar and her eyes turned into little burnt out raisins of rage. he asked about the things floating in my drink, mom pinched me and i said in sing song alice in wonderland princess voice, oh it’s a razzmopolitan, it’s on the menu, it’s reeeeally good (making eye contact with alpha woman) he’s all nodding and she’s strangling her wine stem to stop herself from exploding. then i go, what’s your button? pointing to his green do-hicky flare, he’s all oh we’re green development or something, then some layman’s term crap i don’t listen to and i say yeah i get it, you give a shit. excuse me? he asks. you’re eth-i-cal. then we stop talking.

more passive aggressive awkward ignoring each other stares go down i’ll skip it but anyway when we leave i go mom, i am SO making a huge deal of giving her these chairs. mom’s like groaaaaaan. but also two dudes come in, so i’m like mom what’s a better burn, giving the chairs to the dudes or going up to her and making her look more stupid?

if this was choose your own adventure what option would you select?

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how does it feel getting told off by this when you look and sound like a bird and then it blows up in your face? i really want to read her side of the story on her blog!

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and so, your heroic idol walks up to her a little ways down the bar, as mom is collecting her mom things, i tap her on her right shoulder blazer, she turns, dude to her right, the one who was beside her when i ripped her the second time looks at me like, basically all of her friends were silently cheering me on. of course i was drunkish and did’nae give-a care by this point. when was the last time i got in a bar fight? too long! anyway so i say, YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIRS NOW and she does this phony bow of worship like, oh, it’s “her” you know, like i am the asshole here (i totally am but she started it) and then i say, I SAVED IT FROM TWO MEN then hook my thumb over my shoulder and she skidaddles over to it.

the end.

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ugh that exhausted me but what also exhausts me is that i got in a confrontation BEFOREHAND at the keg with this dude. hilarious. he’s the one who bailed on me last friday for a cab so i had to teach him a lesson sorry dude you’re being blogged. he’s an acquaintance i have no idea what his name is but he’s friends with my PBC people (parkdale boys club) and so i turn my back for three seconds and he’s gone, impatiently out of derek’s place in his own cab. selfish douchebag behaviour. i was waiting on the street in the scary junction alone at midnight, the gas station’s lights turned off in the ghost town desolate sketchiness surrounding me there, i am blond and hot and drunkish and nervous, total target. now i don’t care if he cares that he annoyed me, i didn’t want to bone him (likely part of why he was thinking i wanted a cab so hard, um no i wanted to get dropped off at my fucking house to grab shit and then go to adventurehouse party, it would not have been out of his way to do that) i just wanted to save time cos i know not many cabs would be out cruising on a lark like that, i normally call for one, derek’s building is retarded to navigate in and out of, basically i am a princess.

ok i’ll get to the showdown. i see him talking to a dude at the keg, two dudes actually. i wanted to stop myself but i couldn’t. champagne and whatever those drinks from the spoke club were coursing through me, a drug addict woman would not leave my mom and i alone at the bar, i needed to abuse something or someone. i didn’t even text derek back saying you’re welcome for the bottle of jamesons (i have class)(sometimes) cos i am mad at everyone and thing right now and i’m taking you all down with me ha ha. all i texted derek was tell your tall assholic friend thanks for bailing on me in the junction blablal blah he got that message, and so i walk up to him and say hi, he goes hiiii i say you know i’m really mad at you. he’s all whaaa? his friend is like woah slow up crazy woman basically i put my hand up and go no your friend here, is an asshole. do you do that to girls on a regular basis? (probably) well let me tell you, you’re NOT a gentleman and you are NOT a man. telling off a giant is kind of fucking hard but i did it. i made it super duper awkward (my specialty) and then drug addict chick comes up behind me and is all what’s going on/trying to have my back and shit and i’m like girl fuck off! (in my head) and tall guy has no idea what is going on so i have to continue blasticating him and then other dude is like ok ok let us buy you a drink and i’m all no i don’t WANT a drink i just want to teach him a lesson. ughhhhhhhh if that crackhead didn’t fucking sidle up to me this confrontation would have ended a lot cleaner and smoother and faster, but she hears free drink and goes in for one which mega-time pissed me off. i come from class honour pride i was probably married to a knight in another lifetime i will put myself through the dumbest of instances just to “win” or prove something. yes it’s like that. anyway he apologized, i brought him over to my mom, he said hi, then for the rest of the evening hung out on the patio because i ruined his night. i knew i would never see him again or have any contact and a real life message delivery will always trump a psychotic text message of rage. i just wanted a guy who clearly only looks out for himself to think twice next time and be a little more chivalrous. god i am so larry david it’s disgusting.

ps. i am still in the throws of “the confrontation” anger that i am making an angry face here and did not want this picture to happen. i am a child.

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anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaay mom liked this one best lulz.

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floating raspberries drink.

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how were these mom?

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drunk bravery. i do not like drinking anymore. okay that’s not true, what i don’t like is marathon drinking, all day drinking.

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tracey finally got her coveted tracey boots.

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we began at bier markt shared a salad and a kronenburg.

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i didn’t want to pose by this but mom liked the flowers. i don’t like free blogvertising.

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showed her the upstairs bathrooms. i hissed NO PHOTOS as we walked through the dining room.

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what would our reality show be called? becoming tracey? ahahahha!

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blaha mom blinked.

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got another one.

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she was gonna crash but we didn’t have any booze she wanted lol. good to know. she was pumped and surprised about how close we are to the go train out here i suspect she might be making more visits now.

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when i finally pulled these out to give them to her she so did not give a shit. i almost had a seizure. do you know how many times she has nagged begged pestered, tried to make deals with me for these things! unreal. unbelievable. it’s true, the kerouac women drive everybody around them absolutely insane. but they’re oh so lovable you just keep going back for more.

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and then, as predicted, i was mistook for a keg employee (wearing all black) in the bathroom when i shoulder-checked a woman plowing into the bathroom right into me, i said oh whoops wow and she goes oh sorr…eeee in this tone like, KNOW YOUR PLACE, SERVANT. she’s lucky i had momentum and was already on my way out of there.

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oh my my do straight jackets come in pink? my side pony learned me that my hair is uber long now. i think it made the teacher a little nutso when i came back, like, uh oh she IS blazing hot. what do i do? dude you don’t even know how hot i am with long hair it’s almost mean how hot i am.

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mom popped one in her mouth and almost gagged, she cannot handle heat, this is sweet pea and wasabi something or other.

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i asked the dude to do a jump and if i had one more bev in me i’d have shown him the one figure skating move i know. there were too many glass tables and i did not want to pull a mary katherine gallagher.

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go mom go mom go mom (picture me doing the running man. i will perform it for my brother next i see him hahaha)(it will be filmed).

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so cute. makes me want babies.

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shawn spells is name the same way my brother’s is so this means we are family.

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mom’s flash on the salad makes it look like a heat lamp. ew. overpriced/not worth it. as uje. server was nice.

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mine!

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if i didn’t look like this i’m pretty sure i’d be a lot nicer but i do, so i’m not.

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legs to kill, mom.

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what a little diva.

roots day!

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