Hi everyone! Hi Dad. Here’s my latest Playboy feature, I’m doing viral internet goodies now which will most likely resolute in a weekly feature cos there’s so much murterial on les webs where I spend the majority of my time anyway, we figured why not do that PLUS I find things first what with this accelerated time zone 6 hour lead.
Here’s one to kick off with.
Undercover commercials (if authentic) are the best because you typically get a square swearing his fucking guts out then the viewer is sucked in to see where this is going even though you know it’s an advertisement for a soft drink and has dang all to do with the beverage, sneaky marketers but anyway undercover professional stock car racer Jeff Gordon takes a bad assly powerful Chevy for a test spin with an unsuspecting car dealer wherein predictably hilarity ensues as 4 times NASCAR series winning Gordon goes apeshit on the gas, burn outs fish tails you name it we’d say it’s priceless but there was definitely a price tag for this advertisement. The reaction is cut a bit short because it seems like the dealer was extremely overwhelmed which makes for bad television reaction for Pepsi but he then recovers quickly by saying wanna do it again? When Jeff Gordon says I’m Jeff Gordon I’d be like who?
Before I move on with more of my perpetual garbage I have to blog some pics I’ve already uploaded or the neurotic gods will will furrow their uni-brows at me for days until I do. It seems stupid cos I’ve still a batch more of pictures to go through and upload from Amsterdam and this is just a little handful however I’ve also got a bit of Germany pictures to finish off too so combined, we have ourselves something of a post.
That dude is chilling with a beer see? That’s so Raymi. It’s also the doppleganger of a guy from Oakvegas I used to know if I told a couple of bar flys they would laugh their lush asses off so hard at that one.
Sneak attack pictures typically turn out blurry on account of the sneaking and shaking from the treasure you have spotted.
Corner pocket hang out of a hotel.
It says porto fino over there, Italian restaurant. Thanks to Dirty rotten scoundrels that’s one of my favourite things to say and places I want to go. Add that tidbit to your Raymi 101 notage.
Dreamy.
Oh you again. Window peeking in Amsterdam is easy cos it’s all eye level, it’s a tall nation so I guess it makes sense. I love watching people most over-said thing by everyone ever BUT what I really love is watching people be normal in their homes, high intrigue factor there. I watched a guy at his computer guying out all normal and shit IT BLEW MY MIND. Then we watched two ladies on their laptop with a bottle of wine watching something on youtube. Then there’s all the basement apartment dwellers, one guy’s stoner cave was epic and he was watching Charlies Angels 2 on big screen with piled garbage on either side of the tv. What’s with me? Is it an I feel like a specimen thing or watching people before they watch you watch out. Omg can you imagine if I saw someone eating Cheerios I’d be blown backwards through tiiiiiiime. End bit.
These ones have Instagram porn all over ‘em no filter omg shut up. I saw a lady whining about “#nofilter” and it was so something her demo would whine about it took a lot to restrain mouthing off about it on twitter. I lasted 2 days (at least) I think.
Reminds me of Lower East Side these downstairs doors. A great band name btw.
Whimsical dusted streets.
Yeah yeah just keep going with it.
It reeked of weed here. It Eurekeda. If jokes just magically appear to you all of the time does that mean you are a wizard of comedy? Yes I definitely have the crazy genes but I’m also crazy smart and crazy funny. I’m not apologizing for this I am owning this.
But guess why it reeked of weed because a college aged Italian tourist was feeding this bird cheese and talking to his buddy hanging out of a window up above in the hotel.
She only eats cheese he said. Sure guy you’re so baked right now I bet you eat shoe laces.
This was hilarious to us but now that I have seen every bird ever and always it’s kind of no big deal now but at the time it was like this bird is so out of place here, she’s the pet that they feed cheese to. Amsterdam is a wacky place.
I don’t know what that means but the speed limit is not fifty in this neighbourhood enclave it’s the age you turn when you get publicly mortified by it. Kinda like my mom forever fifty. Can pass for mid 40’s though for sure. Am I dead for that one? Don’t care I’ve been up since 6am when we got the call.
God can you at least make my dummy look like a unicorn or a hello kitty princess and not something I’d shit my pants to having a clown nightmare about in the middle of the night and not be able not get back to sleep thanks. Props on using the authentic clothes though that’s why it’s so creepy because it is too real. You can use my clothes though because it will be more hilarious but if you make it look old I will trash it. At a traditional Swiss Chalet family dinner we’d take turns drawing each other on the place mats and make one another look haggard, old, they’d always give me bee sting tits (assholes) and dad would have crazy bacon and eggs hair and mom’s hair would be HUGE with cats all around her and Shawn would draw himself all cool and smoking and I’d have troll dolls and other embarrassing teenagery girlish shit.
Fast forward through then we were done with Amsterdam, had Irish coffees and left. I’ll post the rest another time.
On to Germany now. This is about the time it started warming up over here.
Green yeah yeah blah blah gorgeous view.
This feels like a long time ago now.
Go again please, I guess I should actually frame something next time instead of hyper-focusing on getting the heart right.
BF loves my new hair colour. The darker my hair the more power I have. Is what I learned yesterday. It makes him like me more, more likes more power. Kinda like Facebook. Fwaha life imitating internet. God that is so totally a thing.
I guess I own prancercising pants.
I am cry laughing at this right now. And the music too AHAHHAHAHa.
I wanna fly over you Lost Boys style.
So German of you.
Duck Face and Nana Lips are pretty similar looks.
This was our 2 month mark.
Thirsty. Yesterday was sober day and the day before too. I’m kinda over drinking, okay that’s a lie but I don’t freak out if we don’t drink or get moody or die of boredom, so, that’s good.
The service here is awful, can’t fault ‘em cos who is going to stare out the window and check up on the patio every four seconds? Not very superior that though? We saw others arrive sit and wait forever based on the assumption service would come on account of our beverages however we walked our asses in and announced ourselves first cos we’re smart and knew we’d wait 20 minutes and be pissed off which is what another couple did. I wanted to tell them to go in and get served but we didn’t, if it was in Canada I would have but I didn’t want to yell in English on the patio. Besides, do I have to worry about everyone else all the time and be so fucking Canadian? They’re grown-ups right? Why am I racked with Canadian guilt about it still? I feel responsible because of our drinks meanwhile my bf is like screw them hahaha.
What flag is that it’s missing the black stripe if it’s supposed to be Germanic.
The little town we went to on Friday.
She always looks like she’s flipping you off bonus to the sign that makes me think of Blow me when I see it back there.
I like. Assumed bottle imprints sand-washed I think then illuminated in differing colours.
Hey what’re you doing over there now?
Swoon swoon hot air balloon.
They’ve seen you before but close up spotty. After watching the top ten greatest moments of Toddlers & Tiaras the other day I have day dreams of food colour bottle spray decorating horses. I’m pretty sure the consequence isn’t worth it but come on if you sprayed all your sheep and shetland ponies one day you’d creating such a spectacle here I bet it would make the news. Definitely. I would do that and then cool shit might happen. That’s going in the dream journal.
Friday was super duper hot so we split house and headed out for some nature after visiting gma.
One of our favourite parks.
Each plot of flowers has a plaque saying where that flower comes from and name in English and dutch and the country it comes from, not that I ever read them but I like that they are there. It’s kind of like a flower museum.
The short cut field erupted in wild daisies you know what that means someone’s about to get her pose on.
Took more pics here just now in different wardrobe.
Oh ma gad I am gonna dye the hell out of my hair today.
Seriously, flowers heaven. We are old people. We go on walks and hang out with ducks a lot, feed them. It’s nice. Like something an old fart would say but it’s a charming little idyllic lifestyle and simple. We’ll be in the city again soon enough.
Honey suckles. Sucked on some. That’s what we did at recess in elem school.
What’s over there, more park art? Oh it’s finally ready?
It appears so.
My favourite bitchy duck has babies now.
Our fish are getting bigger. We just went for another walk here and the park is teeming with fogies cos it’s Sunday. I also learned that neon orange in the sun in pictures make me look nude. You’ll see and good to know. My bf has back issues so we have to walk him a lot. Between that and my fucked ankle we are a couple of crips.
Freak in a field.
There were four storks.
Love sunshine country drives around here it’s a total labyrinth.
Time to hit a patio.
I loved this sauvignon. Bad white wine is awful, good white wine is a game changer. Especially sitting in the sun.
All your postcards are in here then I had to buy more because I forgot some of you. I swear I’m mailing them today. Snail mail is fail mail what get off me that’s why people don’t anymore.
Party going down on the other side of that bridge lots of security cop stand-ins.
Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen.
There’s the party. SIGH. It would have taken a lot of drugs to reach the stamina required for that circus I was already bagged from the road voyage, stopping off at towns along the way. Why would we spend our whole time at a festival when we didn’t go to the one going on back home? I super want to experience one before we go though.
I think my idea for a science fiction bikes come alive at night and wreak havoc on the city movie should be filmed here. Piles of shoddy cgi bikes roving the streets and being ghost ridden down stairs and off canal bridges. I am not letting this idea go.
Of course arty farty shots a blogger’s legacy I so photo right now.
Blurry cos we did two drives through the city before parking the car. It’s a bike city because it’s the highest cost of parking in all of Europe and the clock starts once you ditch that thing.
The outskirts action is the garish bright city lights tourist trap and all the cooler stuff is contained down side streets tucked behind within, kind of french quarter style. But multiples thereof.
Everything gets cheaper the further in you venture cos all the lazy dumb asses stay on the outsides.
I loved him. Stressed out hair guy then there’s ear spacers guy for a close second.
The original apple. JOKES.
Got ya.
Drag queen and a chick in super scary high heels for cobblestones.
At least it wasn’t raining.
Tourist outskirts.
Spadina Ave style.
Now without chicks in the way.
It moves.
Testing out my new legs.
Okay now where.
To the cool stuff. Making our way in.
I would.
This looks like a good start.
I encounter many spiral staircases over here. I like them.
Older buildings w/o elevators make for a skinnier nation.
Don’t ask me what this place is called I’m sure you can find it.
Dutch for you can’t sit with us.
People watching here was great, one by one each table was filled with new curiosities of various kind.
Studying this COFFEE ONLY date was, awkward. Bf said she knew we were watching but like you’re in our line of sight we tried not to stare too hard but I quickly figured out exactly what was going on. Her protecting-self body language coffee cup barrier was screaming out loud for all to hear, you guys are dressed up way too nice for coffee in a place like this on a Sunday, the following day being a holiday. Definitely a date. Coffee means I don’t like you and he was well finished his plus another reason they were not a couple was how much smiling was going on while making mundane chit chat, you so do not smile when you you’re talking about bullshit. Do I grin when I tell elaborate and brief accounts of the history of my life and do you smile back when you hear that? Only if you have to if we’re on a fucking date!
Then we got a bit buzzed and stopped being so self conscious about talking like we’re here too okay is that fucking ok with you? Plus in English there’s a chance no one can understand anyway and whispering is a catty tell-tale gossiping give-away, just bounce your crap off the room and stop trying to be so polite to the world all the time no matter how nice you are people are always going to be annoyed, take a little you time and calls it likes ya sees it why not.
Shark mouth.
Bartender guy was laserbeaming me fine if you’re not going to stop staring then you’re gettin’ captured that’s how these things (cameras) work buddy. He was nbd about it. I like that bar set-up.
Gotta go spread ourselves around. Downstairs and outside for some food. Food btw is one English word I get imitated by, apparently I say it like how Americans think Canadians say a-boot. But how he imitates me is no way how I actually say FOOD so now it’s just a running stupid gag. It’s funny how just saying a word stupidly can be funny. Small things, big minds. Oh and yesterday the sister asked why Americans hate Canadians. Then I explained that for ten minutes.
All the patios have heat lamps under the tents and blankets on offer. We got our table we wanted to switch to cos we were in a cold pocket stolen by German chicks (bitches) and then I compromised and took one of the abandoned blankets from it like fuck you take our table AND the blankets too? No way. Then they gave slit eye glances at us until we left and THEN they felt like assholes when I offered them the blanket and not someone else. Patio politics.
Someone always orders carpaccio.
Soy sauce in gelatin form how bizarre, novel and delicious think it was infused with wasabi too.
Nice place I have the matchbook of it I’ll check out on the web after/never.
Tulips of course.
Cheese country.
And naughty city.
Three hundred euro love doll.
The new fives.
Lube.
So when you screw up drawing a pin-up’s legs just turn her into a mermaid.
Hate to say it but to be continued… POST TITLE CREDIT GOES TO BLAYNE! Big lover of Amsterdam, has been many times and now I have a list of bars to go to for next visit. Solid.
Omg no more for today. We did every song, gangnam style, I love you like a love song baby, others actually standing up though we can’t even remember the rest, duck sauce? We are going crazy by this point. Enjoy. Her performance is tomorrow lol.
Borderline duck face? Okay fine then do you prefer this face?
One of our family classic fuck faces. You do it behind someone’s back at them when they’re going on a rant. My family is hilarious
Hi Shawny!
So emo core.
Evidence of Europe my gizzards!
I look like Hell? Hell is hot. Just like me.
This is a fat day. Oh no wait skinny is fat days now, that’s going to suck. Did a lot of yard work today, trimmed the hedges like Edward Scissorhands dressed like this. The neighbours peep me hardcore cos they NEVER see me I’m like a mirage, then they hear me and bf chirping and are probs like holy meant for each other.
Sister is coming over to do all our laundry now fuck yeah. Just kidding. This is her in Volendam the weekend before we went. She pulled a Gaga. Omg do you beat your laundry with a stick? HAhah ILHer cos I can say all the shitty things I need to say and she laughs harder than I would laugh at them it’s like constant affirmation of the monstrously funny person that I am. I ran through new stand-up material last night in bed and was like zzz wake up write that down please for the love of god but no need I remember both stories cos I’m ripping them off from a friend who can’t be my friend anymore cos of his wife, long story, gotta come hear it IRL don’t ya now. I did a secret stand-up set I wouldn’t let anybody come to and I was pretty good. I can be raunchier doing stand-up.
Our motel owner was a baller once dog! He comped us a night cos we gave no guff til we signed out and I had to play a priss. With good reason we heard gunshots out of our window it wasn’t fucking Compton in the 90’s plus you gave us one roll of toilet paper at a time and towel wtf? Anyway it was a good time because we fell in love Rihana hopeless place style. We didn’t make breakfast once and you think we were saved it once? No. Who makes breakfast for one half hour only between 9:30-10am? I’ll tell you. Someone who doesn’t want to press down on a toaster because he knows we aren’t showing up. We were the only guests. This was some Rose McGowan in a diner and the highways are shut down level creepy bullshit we saw every key in the cubbies sitting like gravestones behind his head as he berated us for fibbing on how many nights we stayed cos he wasn’t around for some of them and the lackey miscalculated, we were the only people keeping the week afloat and it got expensive Jesus, I was supposed to be with Lois and Mom and he was supposed to go to Cuba and Panama.
I couldn’t resist. Killing time til Sis comes over again cos I’m helping her memorize this dance. I have videos of us doing it that while I’d like to share but I don’t want you to have an Aneurysm laughing at us.
Womanizer played in my head all night long subconsciously ughhhhhhh it happened to me when it first came out too seriously. Made me sick. My friend had my ding-a-ling stuck in his head til he was almost sick and dizzy when he was a kid so it can happen. Poor guy ahhaha. Long story short she owes me for Womanizer. Ps. speaking of Napoleon, he did some historical things in Holland too. It’s raining History bye, everybody dance now! Omg she came in through the window. So Beatles.
