Omg no more for today. We did every song, gangnam style, I love you like a love song baby, others actually standing up though we can’t even remember the rest, duck sauce? We are going crazy by this point. Enjoy. Her performance is tomorrow lol.
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Napoleon Complex bloggers
Borderline duck face? Okay fine then do you prefer this face?
One of our family classic fuck faces. You do it behind someone’s back at them when they’re going on a rant. My family is hilarious
Hi Shawny!
So emo core.
Evidence of Europe my gizzards!
I look like Hell? Hell is hot. Just like me.
This is a fat day. Oh no wait skinny is fat days now, that’s going to suck. Did a lot of yard work today, trimmed the hedges like Edward Scissorhands dressed like this. The neighbours peep me hardcore cos they NEVER see me I’m like a mirage, then they hear me and bf chirping and are probs like holy meant for each other.
Sister is coming over to do all our laundry now fuck yeah. Just kidding. This is her in Volendam the weekend before we went. She pulled a Gaga. Omg do you beat your laundry with a stick? HAhah ILHer cos I can say all the shitty things I need to say and she laughs harder than I would laugh at them it’s like constant affirmation of the monstrously funny person that I am. I ran through new stand-up material last night in bed and was like zzz wake up write that down please for the love of god but no need I remember both stories cos I’m ripping them off from a friend who can’t be my friend anymore cos of his wife, long story, gotta come hear it IRL don’t ya now. I did a secret stand-up set I wouldn’t let anybody come to and I was pretty good. I can be raunchier doing stand-up.
Our motel owner was a baller once dog! He comped us a night cos we gave no guff til we signed out and I had to play a priss. With good reason we heard gunshots out of our window it wasn’t fucking Compton in the 90’s plus you gave us one roll of toilet paper at a time and towel wtf? Anyway it was a good time because we fell in love Rihana hopeless place style. We didn’t make breakfast once and you think we were saved it once? No. Who makes breakfast for one half hour only between 9:30-10am? I’ll tell you. Someone who doesn’t want to press down on a toaster because he knows we aren’t showing up. We were the only guests. This was some Rose McGowan in a diner and the highways are shut down level creepy bullshit we saw every key in the cubbies sitting like gravestones behind his head as he berated us for fibbing on how many nights we stayed cos he wasn’t around for some of them and the lackey miscalculated, we were the only people keeping the week afloat and it got expensive Jesus, I was supposed to be with Lois and Mom and he was supposed to go to Cuba and Panama.
I couldn’t resist. Killing time til Sis comes over again cos I’m helping her memorize this dance. I have videos of us doing it that while I’d like to share but I don’t want you to have an Aneurysm laughing at us.
Womanizer played in my head all night long subconsciously ughhhhhhh it happened to me when it first came out too seriously. Made me sick. My friend had my ding-a-ling stuck in his head til he was almost sick and dizzy when he was a kid so it can happen. Poor guy ahhaha. Long story short she owes me for Womanizer. Ps. speaking of Napoleon, he did some historical things in Holland too. It’s raining History bye, everybody dance now! Omg she came in through the window. So Beatles.
Where there’s smoke there’s fire
Jesus. oh and we bought some bread after this because the fire reminded me.
A bread factory inferno started at a 1 then raged for three hours into a grip2 which is Dutch measuring increments for GTFO. Naturally we chased it for a closer look. The name of the company is Pré Pain, that’s for sure. I guess the bread is toast now lol.
You could see it from many vantage points.
Hope everyone got out ok.
It just kept burning.
I have videos too of course.
What’s up RTL TV TEAM.
Black smoke bad.
Totally brought back 9/11 chills. You cannot unlearn those feelings.
Alright slipping at least one selfie in here.
It started at 12:30 and went til about 3:30.
Hello environment.
And life goes on. I’ll let you know the cause when I find out.
The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise
So cute. Too bad I wimp out on holding them. I don’t enjoy love bites from exotic animals seen?
Adding lots of videos today so keep coming back for more.
Monkey Business
Hiya internet. Hope you like monkeys and sensible zoo outfits plus my party hat nip-ons (the shade is brrrrr) cos yesterday we went to a zoo that was actually a “park” dedicated to every single monkey species you can think of and the little ones, HUNDREDS of them, walk all over you. Great idea for a hangover right?
Let me get rid of these first. The day before we had drinks and dinner with bf’s friend in the city, fun times. I wore my new wedges and I didn’t fall once I just walked really slow.
This annoying couple turned up our last day in Aruba at the pool so no more hot tub blasting for us though bf did a cannon ball to announce our presence. The old guy sat on his laptop for a couple hours under the umbrella, cool vacation bro! I smiled at the lady when we passed each other doing pool laps but she was not feeling us until an hour later when she realized her husband was gonna be hardcore ignoring her for hours.
Aruba is a magical place.
See! We went through all the pics on my phone and videos the other night we haven’t even looked at and were catapulted right back into our honeymooning blissdom. Pictures are addictive, a healthy addiction IMO but totally can be overdone if you’re OCD snapping at everything and missing out on the IRL experience.
Me and my jumpsuit I was wearing the night we met. It’s from H&M.
Irish writer dudes in Amsterdam. We had Irish coffees here then split town.
On with de show now. These are all taken with his other camera, the camera I used has all the videos and close-ups on it. Just too much but lots of goodies. It’s hard to narrow it down from 1000 photos. I don’t have the attention span nor patience to discern which picture of a monkey is better than the others, aside from facial expressions and funny things they’re doing but if you get one posing nicely on a flower tree you tend to take 40 pictures of that moment and then when you sit down to go through them it’s like wtf is wrong with me?
Quickly realized I wore the wrong bra, I had to use bf as a shield a lot. Had a few Grandpa groupies at various junctures, women eyeing me up and down pissed off too oh whatever if I could go back in time and wear something with more padding I would have.
Love the design here.
We got in for the price of one cos an old guy came up to us before the entrance with internet print-out tickets, his wife can’t walk anymore. Being avid watchers of scam city I was a little worried but the man had an honest face and the tickets were legit wuhoo savings!!!!!!
If you want to borrow these zipper bags for the day you can, some monkeys are a little grabby. If they were gypsy monkeys we would be ripped off for sure.
I feel bad for turkeys, they’re so fugly with that shit hanging off their beaks like God made a mistake and put ball sack on their nose instead whoops too late.
Wearing flips flops on long walks is a risk. By the end of the afternoon I was beat.
At this point it dawned on me that if I was going to speak baby talk to the animals they’re not going to understand English cos they’re all Dutch animals ah duhhhhhhhh. Saying hello in a cooing voice works internationally also having animal aura which I possess, most morons do. It’s like a come to me competitive wizardry.
Don’t interrupt while I’m minxing yo.
It is overwhelming in the cutest way to enter this area, they’re just everywhere playing about and interacting with people it’s the best therapy ever.
Having “monkey” as my nickname at a place literally crawling with monkeys was funny too, good thing no one speaks English. The zoo staff did though and found our running commentary quite hilarious and how nervous and skittish I was around the monkeys. They bite and when you’re spooked easy your overactive imagination gets the better of you. Have you seen the movie Outbreak?
Branches obscuring me, hot look.
Baby monkey brain asplosion awwwwwww.
Their little faces blew me through a wall aghhhhhh. They climbed all over my bf it was adorablah, bit his camera and hands god it was so amazing.
They’re so human looking, the ape I captured on film later on was spectacularly human I could watch all day.
Curious little guy.
I didn’t have the balls to hold one, I didn’t want to be bitten.
We went back at the end of the day to steal one but were too late lol.
I’m making the weirdest noises while going through these right meow.
You are my favourite littlest people ever.
Blaha.
Driving Miss Craymi
This guy was fun to chase.
Tot Ziens making soup! From scratch! Spicy meatball Italian soup.
Do you want to be my toyfriend?
Hi buddies. Happy hump day. Put my Flinstoner dress on yesterday then hit the road for some fun in the sun. The last and only time I ever wore this thing was Christmas. A girl goth eyed me up and down in it and I told bf this is like a prom dress to a goth for sure definitely, combined with my tattoos she could not stop staring a hole through me to think if I opened my mouth and said something in Canadian I bet she would have asploded into goth poetry. My heart has a bleed-on for summer time goths cos my inner emo kinda is one. If I could have given her this dress I would have kinda thing and I wasn’t even drunk, just thirsty. Sometimes I think I am like so nice like look out everyone NICE JUST ARRIVED floor it!
Amsterdam picture of the day. I’m going to do a dedicated Amsterdam post yet don’t worry (worry) instead of just farting them out hither and yon instagrammish. This street and there are many is a little Champs Elysees.
An upcoming set (within this post) of me trying to climb a sand dune hill. Wow, imposs. Lots more healing to do.
Those are Wisteria flowers. Gorgeous. This photo is being spread around tumblr yay original content for once.
Happy a kid’s swing set can support me no problem.
Before walking through the forest to the watering hole, an actual watering hole not a bar euphemism for once, had to take some field shots. This is in Holland. Needs to be said I feel cos we go to Germany so often. Kinda makes me think of Inglorious Basterds a little. Shosanna! Love her.
Minus the running for my life.
He wanted to line my head up with the windmills but it didn’t work out. I mooned the camera in one photo but it has been so long since I posted a nude I don’t think I could handle the backlash and nasty remarks from angry mean people anymore, I mean I can handle it but it’s super annoying like really? From all the nudity and saucy stuff on the web you have to hyper focus on me still? Thank you for ruining good times always.
One of our regular places to go for a stroll when we get stir cray. There’s a path all along the swamp whatever. Bit of a land locked country, where we are at least so not much water for the Dutch to enjoy which makes me chuckle cos in Canada we are spoiled by bodies of water.
Not only was the water brown it was cold not that I walked all the way down to it f that. Wish I knew we were going here I’d have brought a bikini.
It’s pretty steep. Not the wisest place for a stroll. I had numerous visions of rolling down the hill and falling in. Uneven sandy terrain and my ankle don’t mix but I’m not going to not try.
Glad it was pretty deserted otherwise lots of crack for one and all to see. Pretty sure a man and his dog peeped my butt when I was sitting down in the sand on bf’s shirt with my dress hiked up so as not to get it sandy. Free candy!
He was laughing at my plight then started capturing my slow mo ascent for you guys. Aw my crab, my monkey. Monkey is my nickname btw cos we climb each other like monkies.
Yesterday I learned that limping uphill is hard shit.
And that I haven’t a clue how to do it gracefully.
Shut up I hate you no fair.
At least my hair is getting cuter.
Omg this sucks look I have three fingers.
Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh guhh.
Lefty is the bad foot. Guess I’m takin’ a T-O here?
Adoraburps
Hi Booberdoobers, also, goobers. Yesterday we drove to Germany cos it was so nice out.
Today is even nicer so I’m going to tippity type this blog post as fast as I can so I can finish my homework then sit in the sun. We just cut the grass, which is a big deal cos we have that house with the cray english garden that all the neighbour’s hate. I bet someone was slow-clapping in their kitchen at the sight of us. Ha. Or thought they were seeing a mirage. As you can see I did not wash my hair before going out, I likes to keep it low maintenance.
I have a lot of photos of this castle but this is the first time the sky was bright sunny blue. Sorry for the windshield crap.
Patio doggy.
The Hoff’s bench? He is huge in Germany after all. I had a Berlin friend when I was 19 and her bf, also my friend said she had a David Hasselhoff poster on her wall which we found endlessly hilarious. Wonder if she’s still in Berlin. I also met a girl from Holland when I was a teenager in Sauble Beach and we were pen pals way back when I wonder how much her mind would be blown to hear from me now. I have no idea what her name is I’d have to look in my journal lol. My bro had the hots for her.
Floor score shirt, pretty nice. It was brand new in its shopping bag. No shame all fame. First time wearing it. I am becoming one with my Euro cheesiness.
Cute little nook of a patio. All the other places were closed, it was Monday after all but still I’d ring up my little lazy German rascal staff and scream them in to work cos it was patio weather which we’ve been waiting for forever.
Sheep’s cheese olives onions peppers. Trying to read German is more impossible than Dutch. I totally give the fuck up. As a foodie it is infuriating. I’m like just whatever make sure there is cheese and salt. This was really good.
The carpaccio was really good too. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, note to self do not order a main after appetizers in Germany cos the portions are gigantic. The mixed grill was a supreme disappointment after these, plus the fucking hair on one of the pieces of pork. It’s not a complaining about your food kind of nation either (womp womp complaining is my favourite lol) it’s more of a pull it off your meat shut up and like it. It was such a long black gross wiry hair too, lost appetite after that.
Everything is so cute. Hi are the Three little bears home? This is the side of the restaurant.
Turtles!
Mini turtle catching a lift! This is in the swamp beside the castle.
That one. After driving to this town several times we finally investigated it. Bf has seen it before of course but now it’s a full blown Raymi experience. You have not lived before you have experienced Raymbo. Also two months ago today was my foot accident in Aruba so yesterday was our two month Raymiversary.
Within 24 hours of meeting the dude I was in the hospital baha. #soulmate. He actually adores my clumsiness I’m like for real why? No seriously why?? He’s like I dunno I just do it’s cute and, you. I don’t care how much haters think I’m hateable I’m really not and you’re wasting your time on the dark side. His sister loves me too and said I’m really nice. omgaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
At least I dressed like a cyclist.
It wasn’t warm enough to wear shorts but just about.
Sexy mom times blaha. Now I don’t care what this castle’s name is or what year it was built or any of that crap, I had an ex who exhausted the shit out of this stuff and it made sightseeing uber boring basically all I know is everyone and anyone who ever had to do with this place is dead now, bye bye. Okay, what I mean is I have zero attention span plus I can’t read German we’re more concerned with photographing the grounds for the internet. You’re welcome.
Besides I think I blogged a line or two from wikipedia about this place in my Medieval fair posts.
I think some of you would enjoy seeing how I maneuver up cobblestones these days. Like a crab. Or a drunk. I am a walking ‘nother accident waiting to happen.
Why does my head look like a teeny little acorn when I cock it like this. Yes I said cock.
Bet some bad ass shit went down here back in the day though.
Purty. Wish I knew flower names, wish I knew lotsa things.
A blond couple (version of us) walked over to that wall to take pics and spark a doobie. The dude looked at me a lot. Probably because I exclaimed that I was bored in English cos my bf was hogging the camera and German pothead was like WTF is that American saying now? People get whiplash when they hear me open my mouth. When I don’t feel like the attention I just nod and smile at people silently, silent smiles go a long way.
We’ve hung out down there before.
People park there for the weekend, plug in to get electricity then parking lot hang.
Clean energy.
Something about the stairs.
gates on tower windows make me nervous.
Ha. I’d say next time I’ll dress better but nope, I won’t. I told my bf he dresses like a five year old and he forever quotes that but says 2 year old and I said no, five, or four. It’s not about what you wear to the places you go it’s about going to them at all.
Should we go over there?
I’m going on this swing and you can’t stop me.
“Whee” as they say.
Okay I’ll brb I’m being summoned to head out cos it’s gorgeous and I concur. Tomorrow it’s going to rain cats and dogs. Be back sooners.
