Hey bae, I got all these ideas man lets discuss!

Idea 1: Raymi the minx APP. Lets take my blog which I sporadically write on and throw it into your phone, put all this work and effort into it so you can see like one extra picture I would have instagrammed anyway? I am nowhere successful or famous enough to warrant an APP. Maybe if I was on speed (coffee) and churning out one-liners like crazy (could do) around the clock and my APP just blasts those out to you or I dunno, some kind of insane and fun Raymi the Minx APP with exclusive content pop culture musings that I of course would write. That was an “idea” put on the shelf like a year ago. RAYMITHEMINX APP could have like one crazy useful viral feature like a daily thing to doodle or puzzle to solve…

THEN I wanted to audition for Dragon’s Den because those auditions are happening this month in Toronto. Knowing I would be destroyed and laughed at, plus insulted (nothing new there) the object is to get the 15 minutes of exposure. All I have to do is write an epic pitch with my hallmark blend of drink my koolaid Raymisms and motivational statements regarding my staying power, blabbity blah but I will slack on this wish, miss the audition date and just not do it. I do have a lot of compelling arguments and I am a very good debater. Then I was like, I could just take my me-investment speech to other venture capitalists yet those guys (D’s Den) already have a pretty organized system in place just do it and go to them. I have a special little anecdote about bartending the 18th hole of the VIP tent at the Canadian Open and one of the sections belonged to one of the Dragon’s Den’s guy, I was planning to appeal to the emotional side of shit and being like, I watched you off and on for four days looking all rich as fuck and I was completely invisible to you, then I’d go off on a tangent like a hard done by artist and try to manipulate something out of that experience which I would only write about more in length if I actually went ahead with this. I picture the redheaded women gasping and then siding with me and then we would fly away together on a unicorn to my new expensive condo they bought for me hahaha.

Anyway, just sharing some hairbrained schemes cos you love it.

If I am about to be on tv/web again doing silly things should I feel silly about posting a webcam video of me dancing in my bedroom? If It’s okay to do that and enough vomments come in supporting this then I will gladly share some Raymaerobics and was actually thinking about showing you guys how I do my work out and how I got chiseled and more cut in just two weeks. Your diet is important in reduction of course. I’ve lost 8 pounds. Well it varies from scale to scale as long as I remember what my before weight was before. I do a run on the spot for 1-2 minutes a few times in a row. Lots of free weights moves. Does anybody even care are you listening? If ths is boring tell me I will totally be able to talk about other shit pertaining to me that you wanna know. Except for what you wanna know I don’t wanna discuss that yet actually back off nevermind ahahha.

Okay back to my mega ideas!

Art photography installation entitled WALK OF SHAME comprised of images you have taken on your walk of shame home but to everyone else it’s just a nice garden or fence weird street urban setting thing but you sleep around a lot and you have a lot of city shots and then you make a whole exhibition about it. Yeah thank god for flickr I am going to rip off my own idea and do this.

I am replaying my screen test in my mind and all the funny shit I said to get a reaction knowing it would be used on tape and it was vey Sarah Silverman roasty in nature, epicly offensive and you can get away with it because it’s spoken word it is all out there and opinionated not written down on a blog that can turn into pages of flame war. Anyway, this is just me opening to a memory of something funny I said once that you didn’t hear about yet.

They also made me sing because I said I could sing so I sang and nailed it they were like, woah, you can sing. Then after I said my hugely offensive funny anecdote about boylord I excused myself by saying I was also a comedian (because I did stand-up a few times but also I feel like I write and live comedy every day) so they put me on the spot again and said okay tell us some jokes.

I blanked.

I remembered two jokes.

My one about shaving your pussy and the other one about spiders being scary that no one laughs at.

I was naked for this entire experience by the way. THAT is why I am getting into shape and I am 100% deleting this sentence when my mom finds out. I am hiding a gigantic secret out in the open now I feel like I am sitting on a fucking volcano. I have to move in a month too. If we could do an oculus rift from what the inside of my mind looks like right now you would BARF from the ups and downs but probably masturbate furiously to a lot of sequences ahaha.

Okay I am gonna leave you with that, y’all enjoy now Raymi out.

Hi it’s me again having a good day? The sky is raining snow at mach ten right now. I just heard a multitude of ducks quacking like bananas down on the water while I let Rocky chew on the dry dead grass plant that has been his bff since autumn/all season long and it’s thirsty throwback Thursday holla!

I googled “ooh ooh jock .gif” to get that one. I was hoping to somehow find a particular gif (with noise like that is even real haha you are dreaming) of when you go, “ooh ooh” but not sex ooh ooh ugh nevermind!!!! I will just have to record it sometime never.

I did laundry and could not resist trying these on all folded crisp and tiny like. I was glum yesterday and told myself once I shower do my hair paint my face you will get into these tiny fucking shorts and take ass selfies to cheer yourself up.

Haha diaperish. I was bigger when I got these while in Aruba. I went to Aruba twice in my life, the first time as a beanpole the second time MEGA JUICY.

I am not eating or sleeping right now so I am looking hella tired and not eating affects my over all well being mentally, but I just don’t have an appetite which happens when I am consumed by stress. I was born looking hella tired. Actually one day last week I actually looked good I think. I don’t think I will ever accept or embrace the french girl dark under eye shadow. I read an awful comment about me the other day that was half totally untrue and extremely extremely bashing of my looks. That’s why I cringe when people attack what’s her face from Sex and the City, SJP. “Horseface”?? How dare you. Not true. Sure it blew my mind with mystery when I saw her in that Vegas movie many years ago and truly gave me hope because of her fucked up nose because I have a fucked up nose but guess what!? Fucked up nosese are nice, people! That Chelsea chick from Brooklyn 99 has one too. I knew a girl who had a crazy nose back when I was in Brooklyn who reminds me of Brooklyn 99 chick and she made me seethingly jealous because when I came onto the scene this particular big nosed chick became extra nice to my older boyfriend whom she had fucked a month or so before me so in girl older woman world, she owned him more. Anyway, anyway, hella big nose love over here and if you have a fucked up nose you are totally welcome here too. You would not even believe the extremely racist nickname my Uncle had in highschool because of his nose. I am more concerned with under eye bags than noses though. Your nose and ears keep growing as you age so we are all fucked anyway.

End of nose rant.

I bought this blue shirt on Sunday. The beige cardi is a more expensive version of a cardigan I already own but is kinda dingey now. People always repeat buy the same things for years and years.

Sorry for being a downer. Exercising and socialization always helps. I remember when I never exercised and always complained on my blog about how fat I was but did nothing about it. Some people never get it and never learn. You have ot take charge of your shit.

My throwback contribution. I was thinking I liked how I looked and I was proud of it but I can’t show my nipples here it’s just too much too improper to people who think they’re super fucking proper but no matter what I’ll get slagged for daring to be narcissistic. It’s not about being nude it’s about being preened and proud that makes people irate. I can picture several women I knew in irl, one in particular actually who was always a mega hater of me, super bitchy to all women in fact and is notorious for how nasty she was to other women and she was always super passive aggressive toward me. She obsessively read my blog too. God my blood is boiling now thinking about all of this and I bet hers sure as shit is. I bet she would fight me in a cage she hates me so goddamn much God it’s great to let this all out. Why should I be afraid to? I don’t know. You don’t know which person I’m talking about so whatever I am dead to that entire circle anyway once I split with my ex. Poof.

I was younger than all those guys anyway too and I know I am “not young” now, but I’m still younger so I can still post bedroom selfies because it’s my bedroom and not a succession of men’s bedrooms. Also I will be moving soon. News bomb. I will miss my room and my epic view of the lake from it. Time to slowly make my move back toward Toronto.

New buddy!

Had all you can eat and was stuffed after the first round we ordered. Bf got a new job, we will be seeing less of each other which is likely the key to bumming me out. Well it’s part of it.

Never a dull moment which is likely the problem!

Spiritually and habitually yours, RLW.

Party on ello!

Hey guys!

Sorry but yesterday I just “couldn’t even” and today I kinda feel the same but that’s fine because I bet a lot of people can’t even with my blog somedays anyway.

(I came up with that joke in the kitchen a billion hours ago).

I always feel like sharing negative news with the world is damaging because it bums people out, literally, twitter followers reduce because THEY CANNOT DEAL #feelings.

Which sucks for the sufferer because there is no outlet, no relief gasket, or pea trap (you like that one?) but if you let it out you just feel even worse because there it is staring you in the face.

Although I do enjoy getting sympathy greedily from others no matter how much it makes me look like a baby, well, I do not like that. I like to look about 20 years old tbh.

Speaking of, hi mtv kids it’s like 3 years since I was on that broadcast of Creeps and I look like this now.

Jk obvi. is that mean? Can you be mean anymore? If it’s just pretend for like 2 seconds (for forever on the internet).

A fullblown cougar is what I actually look like that’s right watch out.

FUCK I wrote all this before my blog got wiped out (host, server, something) and then I really almost lost it there so I am going to just hit publish now and go eat lunch before I have a meltdown with my new lady friend who lives in Burlington and has for all this time, local people for the win!

ps. I am still OCD on ello don’t forget like I’d let ya.

Hey guys. Sorry for sounding like an idiot yesterday. I am only apologizing for yesterday and not for any other day I was an idiot, take what you can get.

Jules came over and my other friend came over and we were blabberfaces seriously non-stop from the moment she walked in til the moment she left I don’t even recall if I took a breath once holy hyperactive. When friend 3 arrived with some Coronas it was all over from that point. Yeah yeah I drank. It sucks when social things appear and all you want is beer. The upside is I am a wastecase after only one and there is no chance in Hell I can go back to drinking like I used to. It’s out of my system again so I doubt I’ll drink again for at least 2 more weeks yet. Yes. Two whole new weeks of boozefree day ___ status updates that make you want to rip your (or my) hair out! Don’t like it don’t read it ya silly goose. If you can’t stand me anymore, why are you here still ding dong? Something Little Raymis have been wondering for more than a decade now.

Be enthralled that I blog here at all anymore cos I don’t want to be wasting precious ello moments responding to people I don’t know with smiley faces and “I know right’s” I was worried I blew it by mentioning it too much cos the follow numbers started slowing down yesterday and leveling off but I guess people need to sleep at some point no.

You know when you see your out of town friend when they’re in town and then that’s it? You did your friend duty? But then you hang and you both agree you need to do that again before they leave? That is known as a friendship success!

No matter the 8 year age difference between us we are exactly the same maturity level. I’m gonna have to make some new younger friends from the mall food court once she leaves ew how creepy is that haha. See how profile pics have a weird grey line down the side of my photos? That’s fom my phone. Time to start using my real camera. Habits are hard to break.

This Kid Rock looking guy who was serenading Emma’s last night chose ME to stare and fixate on during his whole set, I mean, bubbly loud Jules certainly helped with that but I was like at the point of fullblown conceit from the attention and needed to check out my face situation. I think Kid Rock likes girls in long hair with hats. Guys are pretty simple like that.

It would be nice if that mirror was clean and the garbage wasn’t there.

I don’t know what it is but sometimes I really enjoy looking melancholy. Except for when I truly AM melancholy I do not like the world to know at all.

This is my I’m a big masculine looking stud face. You know you would. Make use of what the good Lord gave ya.

Almost killed myself yesterday from eating an undercooked egg. The soft boiling of an egg is a delicate procedure when you are a Raymi Lauren.

I have the face of a villain. I am destined to play one someday. I was cast as Scrooge when I was in elem school. I play a good yelly boss asshole type everyone who knows me and can’t stand my bitchy shrill voice IRL would agree. I think that’s why I’m a born leader because I can project my voice and out bulldog someone else who is also an alpha. When I hear stories about people not sticking up for themselves because they have nice gentle shy meek voices it makes my blood boil like I need to fiercely fight their battle for them and get them what they want/deserve out of life because some tyrant or other is taking advantage.

At 5am I had a jerk chicken bathroom issue. Normally my body metabolizes and proces spice better but not this time. I think with beer nothing sticks to you it’s all fire and reckoning ahh gadd that sucked haha.

I kept saying omg doesn’t it look like me at first glance. No one agreed once but it didn’t stop me from pointing it out ten more times at least more like yeah I wish I looked like that. Being a mature adult person is being able to admit that you are not the hottest. That’s why when I lived in Holland one of my favourite shows was HOTTER THAN MY DAUGHTER. Gahah can you believe that, what an awful mother right however, the concept was the daughters actually dress like garbage trash slobs which automatically make the moms hotter. Sometimes though it gets a little Maury Povich. Dutch sister would have to translate for me the whole time though.

I made fun of Jules’ busted docs and she made fun of mine. Fair is fair.

She put on all my hats, looked like Chef Boyardee and woke up like that with her curls.

My thumbnail is torn off now. Back to the drawingboard.

I don’t think I posted this normal version one yet there enjoy.

This was the day those nails went to shit.

This was the day I gave Erykah Badu a run for the money.

Back to innapropes! God I need a life. No wait I have one it’s sepdning time hunched over a laptop curating pop culture insanity.

Just weighed myself on my home scale and am lighter than have ever seen. The scale at my place and my bf’s has a differnce of ten pounds.

Okay I am tired of this now. Jared’s coming over today for a Boylord afternoon.

This is how I typically look before instagram filtration has its way with me.

See you around cool guys!

Love this song right now.

HI I’m blowing up on Ello that is all! Hard work pays off! When you sign up for ello I’m one of the suggested profiles to follow. I hope this gets me hired somewhere. I only talk about it incessantly because it FEELS GOOD BRUH. Like this tiny pocket of glitter and sprinkles and smiling faces at you when everyone else is so what these people are like GIVE ME MORE. New audience! Dutch ex bf said if I hit over 10,000 that’s when things happen. Product seeding? F yeah! Here is how I won the internet a little,

Open up say awwwwwww!

Also I am still body obsessed working out. In one month you will see why.

Jules is over too!

TGIF!